A bit of help would be greatly appreciated

[Lone Apothecary]

I'm sitting in my room, trying occupy myself as per usual. I had hope that things would get better a while ago. I was taking medication, seeing a psychologist, stopped cutting myself (although I only did it a few times), and was reaching out to a friend.

It's 3 weeks past the expected time for the medication to take effect, and I feel the same, even after doubling the dosage. I'll be seeing the doctor on Friday and getting on a different medication, but I find it hard to have any hope of it working.

I was hopeful at first that working with the psychologist would help me. I've been working through some stuff, and I felt as though it was helping at first, but now I find it hard to even sit down and read the sheets, let alone work through them.

I didn't cut myself in March, but lately I've been tempted to do it again. I feel crazy thinking about it, and even crazier for trying to rationalize it.

As for my friend, it doesn't seem like he's interested in talking to me. He had a problem with depression, and he confided in me, but I didn't do much to help him because I was depressed. I finally expressed my concern, and we talked a bit more than usual, but I always started the conversations, and I feel as though I'm just a bother, so I rarely even try talking to him now. I almost want to ask him to go do something some time, like get a coffee, but I don't know how, and I don't think he'd want to.

There's some of the details behind my current situation, so I suppose I should move on to the things I'd appreciate getting some help with. For starters, what would be a reasonable way to go about asking someone to go somewhere or do something with you? I feel silly just asking that, but I've never really asked anyone to go anywhere or do anything with me. I tagged along with my group of friends until everyone went their own way. I don't like alcohol or drugs, so I wouldn't go to parties, and eventually people just stopped asking me to go anywhere at all. Secondly, I have no idea how to deal with the emotions I'm feeling. I feel like I could cry, but it never happens. I've been feeling an urge to cut myself these past few nights in particular, especially when it's late and I can't sleep. I'll be meeting with the psychologist on Thursday, and I'd like to avoid cutting myself between now and then, so any advice on how to stave off the urge to injure myself would be greatly appreciated. Finally, and this is probably too broad, what can one do when things seem hopeless, when the situation continues to deteriorate, and when suicide becomes an increasingly viable option. Deep down, I don't really want a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I can still remember many times when things were better, but it's hard to tell where to draw the line and cut your losses.

This is probably pretty incoherent, as I'm not exactly having a good night. I'll probably end up calling a mental health crisis line if my mind keeps racing like it is, but I'd like to thank anyone who may happen to provide some assistance in advance.

 

[painter's radio]

Hi LA.

I know how this feels all too well, I go through it a lot. There really isn't much that can stop me from cutting, when I'm in that mood. If I'm going to do it, I'm going to do it. But some suggestions are: get a punchbag, or something punchable. It's exercise which may tire you out, it's a good way to get frustration out of you, and it can also hurt you physically, but in a much less unhealthy way, providing you're not breaking your wrists doing it! I know I would feel a lot less ashamed of myself for having a few bruised or split knuckles than I would these silly scars on my arms. Not to mention you can wear gloves

Aside from that though, which I don't actually do myself because I don't like to hit things, the only thing which has stopped me recently is making a promise to someone that cares about me that I wouldn't do it again. Do you have someone that cares about you, that knows you cut? Do they even need to care about you, or rather know you, or could it be someone from here? Anyone you can call a friend really, depending on what you're like with keeping your promises. I've had some rough nights recently but my promise to this person has helped me to control it. The urge is still there, but I HATE breaking my promises. Besides, when I cut, it hurts this person a lot more than it hurts myself, and that feels awful.

One day soon, your tears will flow. I remember starting medications and feeling the same need to cry but just couldn't. Perhaps it is a side effect from the meds, that doesn't really get talked about. But for me, it happens eventually. And boy, does it happen!

There's not much advice I can give you about your friend, other than just do it. Personally I would jokily message a friend and DEMAND they have coffee with me, possibly calling him an a-hole too! But I don't know you or your relationship, whether you're like that or not.

Have any hobbies or interests? Join a forum related to one of them and introduce yourself. Great way to meet like-minded peple.

Well that's all I can think of for now, just know you're not alone in feeling like this, I understand it.

 

[EveWasFramed]

It's 3 weeks past the expected time for the medication to take effect, and I feel the same, even after doubling the dosage. I'll be seeing the doctor on Friday and getting on a different medication, but I find it hard to have any hope of it working.

Just a brief note on the meds...
It may take trying several different types until you find one that helps a bit. Please don't give up on them and no, there's nothing wrong with reaching out to people. If you think they don't want to "talk" about things, then at least get out and enjoy the interaction with others. Sometimes that's enough to ward off the bad feelings for a little while.
Good luck.

 

[Veruca]

Hey LA,

I really hope you're better now.

I agree with Eve, it might take a few tries with different meds to find one that works. And I think its great that you're pushing yourself to see the psychologist despite all these feelings. Keep at it, especially if you think its useful and its just your lack of motivation that's kind of holding you back. Motivation is probably the biggest struggle with depression.

It might be difficult for your friend to reach out when he is depressed himself, so perhaps you should call him out. You may have to be the one to initiate things for awhile, but sadly that usually is the case with depressed friends. But you would be a better judge of whether its worth it or not, whether having this person in your life is a positive thing.

What helps me cry is to play sad music, think about the sad stuff and cry in the shower. It does help me and I feel better afterwards. Perhaps you could try that?

I can understand how it might be difficult to hang out with people without doing anything in particular. Like painter suggested, maybe try a hobby class? Or find out if any festivals or events or charity drives are happening in your town and ask someone to go with you? Volunteering is actually a really good way to meet people too, because even if you don't feel like initiating a conversation, you'd kind of get grouped into doing something and you can start talking about the task at hand and go from there.

Let us know how you're getting on okay? Hugs

 

[jzinsky]

but I always started the conversations, and I feel as though I'm just a bother, so I rarely even try talking to him now. I almost want to ask him to go do something some time, like get a coffee, but I don't know how, and I don't think he'd want to.

For starters, what would be a reasonable way to go about asking someone to go somewhere or do something with you? I feel silly just asking that, but I've never really asked anyone to go anywhere or do anything with me.

First point, it may feel like you're being a bother but I'm quite sure your guy would appreciate being asked. I've gone many years without initiating a conversation or anything, and no-one else bothered either (or probably felt like you do here)

So for second point, how about something like "Sup? Wanna go for a coffee?"

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Yikes, I rambled a bit more than usual, hahaha. I trimmed down the quotes for convenience.

Hi LA...

Hi to you too, Painter's Radio (interesting name, by the by, hahaha), and thank you for taking the time to reply.

It's almost bittersweet knowing that someone can relate. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else, but it's always reassuring to know there are others dealing with similar problems. I've only been in the sort of mood where I feel like cutting on a few occasions, and I'm a bit sad to say that I didn't fully resist this time, but I did stop after only a few scratches, luckily. I've yet to secure something punchable. Well, I suppose you could punch just about anything, but I mean something expressly meant for punching. I'm not exactly fond of hitting things either, but it's worth a shot, and it's not like it could hurt to get some exercise in general. I can't thank you enough for the second suggestion though. There is someone who cares a great deal about me who knows that I've cut before, and I care a great deal about them as well. I'd never officially promised not to, but just realizing that I would be hurting someone else and not just myself made me stop and reconsider. I can't say that I've had all that many promises to keep in the first place, but I'm not one for breaking the few the promises I did say I would keep, so I'm going to promise them that I won't do it.

I certainly hope so. I haven't often felt the need to cry, but I really don't know what to make of it when I feel like I need to but I just can't. I have cried since I started taking the medication, but I do believe that was earlier on, so perhaps the medication hadn't been affecting me then, and now it is. I'll just try to relax and give it time, rather than worrying about it.

I don't know about demanding or calling him an a-hole, but hey, whatever works, haha. I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill here, and it really couldn't hurt to just ask to go out for coffee.

I used to be active on 2 other forums. One got shut down, and I stopped posting on the other one which was about writing after joining a few smaller user groups on the site. The groups died out, and I haven't really returned to the forum, but I'm not sure why. I had met some interesting people on there before, but they always seem to disappear off the site eventually. That's a pretty nasty assumption now that I read it over. Not everyone will disappear, after all.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

Just a brief note on the meds...

Hello, Eve. Yeah, the doctor made it pretty clear that it may take a while to find something that works for me, so I have no intention of giving up on medication entirely, but I was trying to keep a good outlook to take advantage of the placebo effect and whatnot. I suppose I'm too skeptical for that though, haha. It certainly couldn't hurt to go out and enjoy a bit of casual interact at least, and I doubt anyone would strongly oppose casual conversation and a trip to a coffee shop, after all. Thanks. Good luck with whatever endeavors you may be undertaking as well, and thanks for taking the time to reply.

Hey LA...

Hey to you too, Veruca.

Thanks. I'm certainly feeling better than I did when I posted this, so that's a plus.

Yeah, I'd imagined it'd take a few tries, but at least I'm lucky enough to have insurance covering a good deal of the costs. Indeed, I've found visiting the psychologist to be beneficial in a few ways thus far. We actually discussed employment a bit today, something that has been worrying me to no end because I'm almost done my first year at college, and I'm not so convinced that I'll be a bum on the streets anymore, haha. Motivation does become quite a commodity when getting out of bed seems like a daunting task. Pretty much any motivation I can muster up is burned away on school work that I have very little personal interest in, so hopefully that'll change once I finish the program I'm currently enrolled in.

The odd thing about my friend is that I'm not really sure just how depressed he is. It seemed like he was pretty depressed last year, considering how much school he missed, but he seems to be doing better now. That said, I haven't really spent enough time with him to know for sure. I'd imagine I could handle initiating things for a while, or for as long as he feels like hanging out, really, but I'll probably cut my losses and leave him be if he repeatedly declines.

I often find myself listening to sad-ish music when I'm in a sour mood, but I've never really sat down, listened to sad music, and thought about sad things, so it's certainly worth a try whenever I get in that odd need-to-cry mood again.

The town seems surprisingly barren. Well, I say town, but I live in a small community 15 minutes from the nearest town, which makes me even less likely to hear about any such classes. I tried to start a writing group on campus, to no avail, and I've been volunteering at the SPCA, although that's only for an hour or so a week. Then again, there's nothing stopping me from getting more involved at the SPCA or asking around for other volunteering opportunities that interest me.

Thanks. Hugs. And thanks for taking the time to reply.

First point...

Hello, jzinsky. Hmm, now that you mention it, that's a possibility. I know I'd appreciate being asked if I was feeling crummy. Plus, he did seem to appreciate that I was concerned. I don't think anyone else in our old circle of friends really was.

Yeah, I can't imagine it would need to be anything more complicated than "Sup, wanna go do something?" or something along those lines. Again, as I said earlier, I think I'm making mountains out of molehills when elegant simplicity would do the trick. In any case, thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

[randomdude]

Well about medications in my case i've never noticed their effect at first but when i stopped using them for a week i've felt the slight difference in every part of my daily life. Meds are there just to slightly improve the way you feel and the actually problem solving thing is based on your actions. I've met lots of people that blame meds for not working while they won't leave their house, that won't work like that.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Hmm, I'll have to be on the lookout for any sort of changes if the doctor does end up switching me to a new medication. Both the doctor and the psychologist have stressed that the medication is just meant to help alleviate the symptoms of depression, and that the bulk of my improvement will come from me actually working to improve my situation. They seem fairly certain that my condition is less chemical, and more of a side-effect of my less-than-stellar situation and my bleak outlook. That said, even the doctor seems a bit disappointed that I haven't shown any sort of improvement at all. And, for the record, I'm working on leaving the house a bit more often, haha.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

I figured I'd post another reply here, as I'm feeling considerably better now.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I figured I'd post another reply here, as I'm feeling considerably better now.

That's wonderful news, LA. Thank you for the update and so happy to hear you're feeling better!

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Hmm, interesting. My internet went a little wonky there for a moment and only posted a bit of what I'd written.

In any case, I thought finishing my college program would be huge relief, but spending the first weekend after finishing my program alone nearly drove me over the edge. That's when I made this thread, and I'd like to thank everyone who replied again, as your replies certainly did help me. Losing my cat (who was older than me) in 2011, slogging through grade 12, and slogging through my college program really wore me down. Now, I'm happy to say that I'm doing far better. I'm no longer cutting, I'm no longer on antidepressants, I've bawled my eyes out a few times since I last posted on this thread (which is a big improvement over feeling numb and unable to cry), and I no longer feel depressed.

After spending a few weeks getting over my freak-out, I've been steadily getting better. I'm writing again, I'm getting back into visual arts, I've taken an interest in gardening (there are several pea plants sprouting on my windowsill), I'm looking for a job (I have a seven week position secured as long as the museum can get the funding to hire on a new worker), I'm exercising more and eating better, and I don't feel as if I'm simply stuck in a rut anymore.

So, once again, thank you for your replies, and here's hoping that more people can work their way out of their respective ruts.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Again, awesome, LA.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Aww that's great, LA! All the best to you.

 

[Lone Apothecary]

All the best to you.

Thanks. All the best to you as well.