A perpetual mountain climbing experience

[oarivan]

There's this place up on a mountaintop. I can't really see it but I know it's there. Well I hope it's there. I take a few steps up this slightly sloped path. Seems easy enough. A low hanging mist obscures much of my view. This doesn't deter me. Looking back all I see is darkness. There is no going back, only forward. Legs feel a bit heavy and the air is sticky with moisture. This isn't the most pleasurable experience.

I journey on for days, slipping and falling a little each time I venture more than a few meters. Sometimes I hear sounds and see things. Little glimpses into my life beyond the darkness from which I came. Some memories help give me the strength needed for this long journey while others haunt me everywhere I turn, sapping my energy and leaving me gasping for air on all fours. I look back. How odd that in those moments where I'm being haunted by vicious memories, my path travelled looks ever so short.

I keep trudging on. It's less of a walk now and more a climb. I grip slippery rocks and try to pull myself up. Sometimes I slip, losing my grip and falling on my back. I'm lucky the fall isn't too great. Sure it hurts but I'm still alive. As I climb higher, my body in some ironic twist gains energy. There is newfound strength in my arms. Full of optimism, I climb faster. Then suddenly out of nowhere, rocks above me start falling all around me. I'm feel a few slamming hard against my arms. I hold on for dear life. I can't fall now. Surely it would kill me. But these rocks, as if guided by some magical entity start to hit me dead on. My face smashed, I fall.

You'd think I'd be dead but no, I'm alive. The pain is excruciating but I'm alive. I rest a bit and try to gain enough courage to start again. Eventually I do but like before, I'm hit with falling rocks. Some so big they would surely kill me. But like before, I simply fall. Not yet healed from my last great drop, this time the pain is worse. Well great, I'm alive. Can't do anything but try again. Sometimes I climb so high I feel like I'm nearing the top but then a storm arrives soaking me and my environment. I would then lose my grip and fall. Other times, I grow tired, not gaining energy like before, but losing it tenfold. Not forgetting the rocks of course which continue their barrage.

I've been attempting to climb this **** mountain for more than 8 years now. I don't ever seem to reach the top. Instead I fall and I fall farther each time. I think all this damage is finally taking its toll on my body. I barely have the strength to stand up, let alone climb a mountain. Sometimes I feel like I should just run back towards the darkness. I don't know how much longer I can take this punishment.

If I believed in a God I'd ask for some help. I've seen others climbing similar mountains with the help of friends and I've seen some shivering in the cold with no energy to even stand. Occasionally I hear the words of an encouraging father but most of the time I can detect a hint of disappointment. I see the faces of people that came to my aid. Hands that seemed to push me up and hands that seemed to be accompanied by a baseball bat knocking me flat.

I'm tired now. So very tired.

---

This isn't the best metaphor for what I'm feeling but if you know me I think you can understand me. I am quite adept at stating the obvious. Brutally honest at times and this doesn't win me many friends. I know a lot of people are going through or have gone through something similar. Be it the loss of a friend or family member, unrequited love or non-existent love, alcohol and drug abuse, unemployment, physical and mental health problems or a loss of hope for the future. Some find the energy to help themselves while others find help in the arms of another. I am quite envious of such people. The warm touch of a lover, the embrace of a parent, the pat on a back you get from your best friend. I want such things but more than anything I want to not want them.

Can I find the strength to continue this journey on my own, dodging the rocks, facing the harsh weather and ridding myself of these haunting spectres?

Can I be content with what I don't have?

What does it look like for those that have reached the top?

I don't require an answer nor virtual hugs. No feigned sympathy please. I just felt the need to rant.

Thanks

---

hmm little did I know there's a diary section. I suppose this is better suited in there. For those with the power to make this happen, I'd appreciate the move.

 

[packyourbags]

There's this place up on a mountaintop. I can't really see it but I know it's there. Well I hope it's there. I take a few steps up this slightly sloped path. Seems easy enough. A low hanging mist obscures much of my view. This doesn't deter me. Looking back all I see is darkness. There is no going back, only forward. Legs feel a bit heavy and the air is sticky with moisture. This isn't the most pleasurable experience.

I journey on for days, slipping and falling a little each time I venture more than a few meters. Sometimes I hear sounds and see things. Little glimpses into my life beyond the darkness from which I came. Some memories help give me the strength needed for this long journey while others haunt me everywhere I turn, sapping my energy and leaving me gasping for air on all fours. I look back. How odd that in those moments where I'm being haunted by vicious memories, my path travelled looks ever so short.

I keep trudging on. It's less of a walk now and more a climb. I grip slippery rocks and try to pull myself up. Sometimes I slip, losing my grip and falling on my back. I'm lucky the fall isn't too great. Sure it hurts but I'm still alive. As I climb higher, my body in some ironic twist gains energy. There is newfound strength in my arms. Full of optimism, I climb faster. Then suddenly out of nowhere, rocks above me start falling all around me. I'm feel a few slamming hard against my arms. I hold on for dear life. I can't fall now. Surely it would kill me. But these rocks, as if guided by some magical entity start to hit me dead on. My face smashed, I fall.

You'd think I'd be dead but no, I'm alive. The pain is excruciating but I'm alive. I rest a bit and try to gain enough courage to start again. Eventually I do but like before, I'm hit with falling rocks. Some so big they would surely kill me. But like before, I simply fall. Not yet healed from my last great drop, this time the pain is worse. Well great, I'm alive. Can't do anything but try again. Sometimes I climb so high I feel like I'm nearing the top but then a storm arrives soaking me and my environment. I would then lose my grip and fall. Other times, I grow tired, not gaining energy like before, but losing it tenfold. Not forgetting the rocks of course which continue their barrage.

I've been attempting to climb this **** mountain for more than 8 years now. I don't ever seem to reach the top. Instead I fall and I fall farther each time. I think all this damage is finally taking its toll on my body. I barely have the strength to stand up, let alone climb a mountain. Sometimes I feel like I should just run back towards the darkness. I don't know how much longer I can take this punishment.

If I believed in a God I'd ask for some help. I've seen others climbing similar mountains with the help of friends and I've seen some shivering in the cold with no energy to even stand. Occasionally I hear the words of an encouraging father but most of the time I can detect a hint of disappointment. I see the faces of people that came to my aid. Hands that seemed to push me up and hands that seemed to be accompanied by a baseball bat knocking me flat.

I'm tired now. So very tired.

---

This isn't the best metaphor for what I'm feeling but if you know me I think you can understand me. I am quite adept at stating the obvious. Brutally honest at times and this doesn't win me many friends. I know a lot of people are going through or have gone through something similar. Be it the loss of a friend or family member, unrequited love or non-existent love, alcohol and drug abuse, unemployment, physical and mental health problems or a loss of hope for the future. Some find the energy to help themselves while others find help in the arms of another. I am quite envious of such people. The warm touch of a lover, the embrace of a parent, the pat on a back you get from your best friend. I want such things but more than anything I want to not want them.

Can I find the strength to continue this journey on my own, dodging the rocks, facing the harsh weather and ridding myself of these haunting spectres?

Can I be content with what I don't have?

What does it look like for those that have reached the top?

I don't require an answer nor virtual hugs. No feigned sympathy please. I just felt the need to rant.

Thanks

---

hmm little did I know there's a diary section. I suppose this is better suited in there. For those with the power to make this happen, I'd appreciate the move.

---

Hey Oarivan.

if you have read like... 2 posts of mine you will guess by now how hard it will be NOT to send any virtual hugs but that's ok it's kinda harder not say anything at all though so i'll just keep it short. (hrmph. fail )

(and no feigned sympathy. i mean what i say. i read a couple of your posts, and i really hope you do make it through. so just that )

i think, that your journey is your own, and no one can really be there with you when you are on the climb. in the end, at least for me, it is just you against whatever it is you face.

but. from all i have been through, while no one can be there with you while you climb, they can make you recover strength, and give some light to look out for in darkness. sometimes you know they climb beside you, in the darkness, and it helps to know you're not really alone.

in the end, i think that writing friendship off is cheating, in a way. kinda lying to myself. for me - painful as it may be, i guess i'll just have to throw myself in there again and again, and kinda hope that this time it will be different. at least this way i'm not honest with myself.

and as to the view from the top.
best of luck. i hope you'll make it. and tell me how things look from there, when you reach it. i'd die to know if it was worth it.

gah, fail at being short, but oh hell, whatev. i guess i'm just trying to say - hang in there. i hope you make it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

Oar I just want to say that I can identify with how you feel because I felt that way at one time, only I likened my experience to a hamster spinning around & around in his hamster wheel and getting no where. It was the most frustrating feeling in the world.

I also want to say that you write the most sensible things in your posts.

 

[DrunkenMonkey]

I wouldnt presume to send any false sentiment. Like yourself, im no good at being fake.

Though i do think your metaphor has alot of merit to it. Most people in the world could definately relate. Was intriguing to read and i definately feel the same way.

Regardless of what happens, we have to get up and start climbing again. There is no other choice, if we give up then we arent being fair to ourselves. We either make it to the top, or die TRYING! "Trying" being the key word.

 

[Danielle]

Oar... no fake-ness coming from me. You will make it. I know you will... keep climbing, keep pushing, and will see that the view from the top is breathtaking. Don't look at anything as a failure, just purely a small road block to have to manuver around. You will find what it is that you are looking for... I am trying not to hug you right now....

 

[Lonesome Crow]

When you get there...

You were never separated from god nor you lack the power within you or the god within you.

There's nowhere to climb nor nothing to earn. It is what it is...can you accept it.
Surely if can accept all the bullshit. You have the power within to accept truth.
What guilt ,shame, fears do you have to think that you don't have this power within you...Just stand up and wake the fresia up...
Errr..JC didn't use those exact words when he raised the dead...So are you going to get hung up becuase of wordings???

People, place and things might had told you that you have to earn thier love and accpetence. That some really sick behaviors.
Would it be any different if i said..."you're chasing the fucken cheese..." You get into a behavior of chasing..chasing chasing...
climbing...climbing...earn..earn.

Life was ment to be lived. An expression of love that extend out of you...Not seeking for approval nor being a vacumm.
You become a vacumm because it's in your belief that you're missing something, not whole, or incomplete.

You also have to power to Create....whatever your creations is...there it is.
I made my life that way it is today...True there's people that made a mess out of it...but I can simply let go or get over it,
move on with my life. I'm free to do so. I have to power within me to do so...
I chose to live my life this way at the moment...that's the truth.

Simply ask yourself thing simple question. Have god ever told you that you weren't good enough??
or was it other people or informations you got from other people....

 

[PoWer2tHePeOpLE]

why not pick up a bean bag, some really fresh doughnuts and a nice ice tea, plonk yourself down at the foot of the mountain and enjoy the spectacle of everyone else climbing..

whatever is 'enough' for you... hard to extricate the 'others' perception of what will make you happy and content from what you truly need and want..

i am not entirely sure what you are striving for.. ?? some things are simpler than others. if you are looking to build a career or buy a house in your lifetime, then you put energy into the steps required to have the best chance of attaining that goal, if that is what you want, you fight for it whilst realising that there are many things beyond your control (the rocks?).. you take the knocks and you try your best to keep going towards... whatever it is you imagine..

"don't worry about it when you give it your best,
one two, one two, this is just a test"

i try to 'do my best' and then let the rest go.. "you can't do everything" (a wise young person once said to me..)

if it's something more 'intangible' and complex.. er.. like 'true love'.. with.. 'someone'.. then, i don't really know.. that's a tough nut to crack.. but then, i am not even looking for the nut and i lost my nut cracker way back...

being blunt and direct i reckon can be refreshing when it cuts through some of the bullshit thats around.. but then, not everyone always wants to hear someone else's opinion or their version of the truth.. so i tend to believe that it's a good idea to balance it with a bit of respect and uninvolvement.. you don't always have to 'set someone right'.. there is a joy in discovering things for yourself, so i like to give people space to enjoy that discovery too..

and for the whole 'existential' feel to your metaphor, i particularly like the Smith's lyrics..

"stretch out and wait,
there's no debate.
stretch out and wait...'

"two steps forward.. three steps back" -- the strokes.. that's just how it is..

i don't really think about the mountain, or the climbing and striving.. i haven't got the right shoes anyway.. it's all right here.. right now.. this is it.. in darkness and in light, i'm just here to learn and do my best, one tired step in front of the other.. sometimes it's more like DRAGGING yourself from one day to the next.. but drag i will if that's what it takes..

don't beat yourself up..

 

[iwasaloverb4thiswar]

It's not about reaching the top, it's about teaching yourself to be a good climber. It's about learning how to spot solid footholds, and weak ones, how to fall without crashing all the way back down, how to bandage your own wounds. It's about the scars that the mountain leaves on you, and what you take from the mountain to strengthen you, the muscles you will need to scale steeper slopes in the future. It's about listening to your body, your wisdom. You will have weaknesses and pain, but believe that your vessel was built to get you where you need to be. It will not fail you if you really listen. The path never quite levels off, but every once in awhile the edge drops away and you can see all the way down, down to where you were before, the place you didn't even realize you had risen above.