O
oarivan
Guest
There's this place up on a mountaintop. I can't really see it but I know it's there. Well I hope it's there. I take a few steps up this slightly sloped path. Seems easy enough. A low hanging mist obscures much of my view. This doesn't deter me. Looking back all I see is darkness. There is no going back, only forward. Legs feel a bit heavy and the air is sticky with moisture. This isn't the most pleasurable experience.
I journey on for days, slipping and falling a little each time I venture more than a few meters. Sometimes I hear sounds and see things. Little glimpses into my life beyond the darkness from which I came. Some memories help give me the strength needed for this long journey while others haunt me everywhere I turn, sapping my energy and leaving me gasping for air on all fours. I look back. How odd that in those moments where I'm being haunted by vicious memories, my path travelled looks ever so short.
I keep trudging on. It's less of a walk now and more a climb. I grip slippery rocks and try to pull myself up. Sometimes I slip, losing my grip and falling on my back. I'm lucky the fall isn't too great. Sure it hurts but I'm still alive. As I climb higher, my body in some ironic twist gains energy. There is newfound strength in my arms. Full of optimism, I climb faster. Then suddenly out of nowhere, rocks above me start falling all around me. I'm feel a few slamming hard against my arms. I hold on for dear life. I can't fall now. Surely it would kill me. But these rocks, as if guided by some magical entity start to hit me dead on. My face smashed, I fall.
You'd think I'd be dead but no, I'm alive. The pain is excruciating but I'm alive. I rest a bit and try to gain enough courage to start again. Eventually I do but like before, I'm hit with falling rocks. Some so big they would surely kill me. But like before, I simply fall. Not yet healed from my last great drop, this time the pain is worse. Well great, I'm alive. Can't do anything but try again. Sometimes I climb so high I feel like I'm nearing the top but then a storm arrives soaking me and my environment. I would then lose my grip and fall. Other times, I grow tired, not gaining energy like before, but losing it tenfold. Not forgetting the rocks of course which continue their barrage.
I've been attempting to climb this **** mountain for more than 8 years now. I don't ever seem to reach the top. Instead I fall and I fall farther each time. I think all this damage is finally taking its toll on my body. I barely have the strength to stand up, let alone climb a mountain. Sometimes I feel like I should just run back towards the darkness. I don't know how much longer I can take this punishment.
If I believed in a God I'd ask for some help. I've seen others climbing similar mountains with the help of friends and I've seen some shivering in the cold with no energy to even stand. Occasionally I hear the words of an encouraging father but most of the time I can detect a hint of disappointment. I see the faces of people that came to my aid. Hands that seemed to push me up and hands that seemed to be accompanied by a baseball bat knocking me flat.
I'm tired now. So very tired.
---
This isn't the best metaphor for what I'm feeling but if you know me I think you can understand me. I am quite adept at stating the obvious. Brutally honest at times and this doesn't win me many friends. I know a lot of people are going through or have gone through something similar. Be it the loss of a friend or family member, unrequited love or non-existent love, alcohol and drug abuse, unemployment, physical and mental health problems or a loss of hope for the future. Some find the energy to help themselves while others find help in the arms of another. I am quite envious of such people. The warm touch of a lover, the embrace of a parent, the pat on a back you get from your best friend. I want such things but more than anything I want to not want them.
Can I find the strength to continue this journey on my own, dodging the rocks, facing the harsh weather and ridding myself of these haunting spectres?
Can I be content with what I don't have?
What does it look like for those that have reached the top?
I don't require an answer nor virtual hugs. No feigned sympathy please. I just felt the need to rant.
Thanks
hmm little did I know there's a diary section. I suppose this is better suited in there. For those with the power to make this happen, I'd appreciate the move.
I journey on for days, slipping and falling a little each time I venture more than a few meters. Sometimes I hear sounds and see things. Little glimpses into my life beyond the darkness from which I came. Some memories help give me the strength needed for this long journey while others haunt me everywhere I turn, sapping my energy and leaving me gasping for air on all fours. I look back. How odd that in those moments where I'm being haunted by vicious memories, my path travelled looks ever so short.
I keep trudging on. It's less of a walk now and more a climb. I grip slippery rocks and try to pull myself up. Sometimes I slip, losing my grip and falling on my back. I'm lucky the fall isn't too great. Sure it hurts but I'm still alive. As I climb higher, my body in some ironic twist gains energy. There is newfound strength in my arms. Full of optimism, I climb faster. Then suddenly out of nowhere, rocks above me start falling all around me. I'm feel a few slamming hard against my arms. I hold on for dear life. I can't fall now. Surely it would kill me. But these rocks, as if guided by some magical entity start to hit me dead on. My face smashed, I fall.
You'd think I'd be dead but no, I'm alive. The pain is excruciating but I'm alive. I rest a bit and try to gain enough courage to start again. Eventually I do but like before, I'm hit with falling rocks. Some so big they would surely kill me. But like before, I simply fall. Not yet healed from my last great drop, this time the pain is worse. Well great, I'm alive. Can't do anything but try again. Sometimes I climb so high I feel like I'm nearing the top but then a storm arrives soaking me and my environment. I would then lose my grip and fall. Other times, I grow tired, not gaining energy like before, but losing it tenfold. Not forgetting the rocks of course which continue their barrage.
I've been attempting to climb this **** mountain for more than 8 years now. I don't ever seem to reach the top. Instead I fall and I fall farther each time. I think all this damage is finally taking its toll on my body. I barely have the strength to stand up, let alone climb a mountain. Sometimes I feel like I should just run back towards the darkness. I don't know how much longer I can take this punishment.
If I believed in a God I'd ask for some help. I've seen others climbing similar mountains with the help of friends and I've seen some shivering in the cold with no energy to even stand. Occasionally I hear the words of an encouraging father but most of the time I can detect a hint of disappointment. I see the faces of people that came to my aid. Hands that seemed to push me up and hands that seemed to be accompanied by a baseball bat knocking me flat.
I'm tired now. So very tired.
---
This isn't the best metaphor for what I'm feeling but if you know me I think you can understand me. I am quite adept at stating the obvious. Brutally honest at times and this doesn't win me many friends. I know a lot of people are going through or have gone through something similar. Be it the loss of a friend or family member, unrequited love or non-existent love, alcohol and drug abuse, unemployment, physical and mental health problems or a loss of hope for the future. Some find the energy to help themselves while others find help in the arms of another. I am quite envious of such people. The warm touch of a lover, the embrace of a parent, the pat on a back you get from your best friend. I want such things but more than anything I want to not want them.
Can I find the strength to continue this journey on my own, dodging the rocks, facing the harsh weather and ridding myself of these haunting spectres?
Can I be content with what I don't have?
What does it look like for those that have reached the top?
I don't require an answer nor virtual hugs. No feigned sympathy please. I just felt the need to rant.
Thanks
hmm little did I know there's a diary section. I suppose this is better suited in there. For those with the power to make this happen, I'd appreciate the move.