A Reflection

[Nic]

I am sitting in my living room, home for the holiday, and typing on my computer I have hooked up to the big screen; another late night of insomnia and anxiety, bring me back here.

I peruse the forums I have neglected and somehow, instead of feeling better, I feel worse. Identifying with people like me should give me comfort in knowing that I am not alone. They only make me dwell on myself; and I reflect upon the flaws I've come to see in myself. I accept them, because they are a part of me, but I still hate them, because I place so much blame upon their existence.

Thanksgiving. Another meal down, another forgettable "family" gathering. Dead immediate members and distant ones keep our numbers small. Just my mother, father, and sister. Mom and Dad should be divorced, but Mom won't sign the papers. Dad is seeing another women and no longer bears his wedding band. Mom believes Dad will come back, my sister is too dumbfounded to care. I hate them for pretending that nothing is the matter. I envy those happy families, those proud to announce their anniversary, and those with happy children. My family is a circus of actors pretending to be happy.

Mom always identified with my sister. Always gave her the extra attention; sheltered her. I would always fend for myself, because I was the man of the house, a job I never wanted. "Do it yourself" she said, "why do you need me?" she said. Yet she could never say "no" to my sister when she asked the same.

Dad prefers work to spending time with his son. Buy him a gift now and then to make him happy, send him money to please himself with. Give him a title to the sports car he fancied. Give him material things to keep him happy, because I won't be there.

Could anyone do something beyond the physical? Could anyone appeal to my soul? Could I hear those three words for the first time in my life!!?? Could anyone say "I love you" in sincerity and honesty!!?? OF COURSE NOT! I am trying very hard to remember what those words sound like. But I can not recall; the memory doesn't exist. No one has ever said that to me.

I dream of meeting someone who would have the courage to say those three words to me. I dream of what they sound like, and the gleam in their eye when spoken. I want that dream to end, to soothe my aching heart; to save me from myself.

But I am stuck. I cannot escape my own misery. How can I reach out to someone when I am stuck clutching my chest? This paradox is my undoing, and my greatest sorrow. I want to know what love is. I want to know the warmth of another against my body. Love is something that I want so badly, and try so hard to obtain, but always fall short of obtaining. I want to feel love for the first time in my life.

I dream of her, even though I have no idea who she is. I dream of escaping my past to her, to be held by her. I want to meet her, but she never manifests herself. She is but a dream, created in my sorrowful mind, she is a nonexistent entity.

I wish I had courage; the backbone to say something to "that girl", but I fear rejection. I cannot meet her because I do not possess courage, and I am at a loss for words. I imagine the "what if's". What she admired me, would she return my gesture? Or would I embarrass myself? I am stuck thinking like this, and when I come to my senses, my apparent opportunity is gone, and I will never see that girl again. Because I hesitated, because I had no courage.

I fear being alone for much longer, it already hurts so much. The few friends I have do not understand my true pain, or my troubles. I fear they are drifting away from me, losing their interest. No one admires the gloomy gus, or the sadistic dreamer. New friends are not appearing, and I am the one to blame. I never leave my quarters, I never act outgoing. I never say hello to people I met briefly. I never make eye contact, because I fear the look of others.

I was not always like this. I was happy once, I knew how to smile with all my heart. Where has happiness escaped me? Why can't I over come these fears? Why can't I change?

I used to be someone to look up to. I used to be a strong, outgoing individual with ambition. I was someone people went to for wisdom. I hated acting outgoing but I did it anyway, but I can't do that any more. I can't put aside my fears and conquer them. Fears that I defeated in the past. Why now am I failing!? Why now am I such a weak person?

I am mulling over my thoughts again, entering my vicious cycle of personal debate and sadness. I write this to put my thoughts down; to organize them. Maybe I will feel better expressing myself; to reflect upon what troubles me the most.

Thank You for Reading.
(Or just skipping to the bottom to see how long I could ramble on.)

 

[grundel70]

That was very well put if I may say so.

I see so much of myself in the things you have written.

My friend, if you don't mind I would like to offer a bit of constructive criticism. You have expressed alot in this post, but the one reoccuring thing you have said is 'fear'. I know what fear is. It is something we all face. The only way we are going to overcome our fear is to face it. When we do, we notice they are are only shadows on our mind...when we shine some light there to find them they disapear. If you are afraid to approach a young lady, then do it. If you fail then so be it. Move on.

You said that you are too weak to overcome your fears. If this is indeed true, then build up strength! In the physical world if we are weak, we lift weights. We may have to start at a very light weight...but eventually if we keep at it the weight gets heavier and heavier as our strength increases. The same things goes for our soul and character. Just minor things like smiling, or just saying 'hi' to someone may be hard for us to do...but the more 'reps' we do, the stronger we get. Then we slap on more proverbial 'weight' and then start talking more.

As far as love...well that is something we all seek. I am an older man, close to 40. I have learned a lesson that you cannot make anyone love you. All you can do is try and love others that you deem worthy of this precious gift. If there is enough love in your heart, then it will find a way to you.

You mentioned that you can't look anyone in the eyes for you fear the look of others. Well my friend...as long as you allow that fear to dominate your life, you will feel like this for a long time. I know you can do it! Look up, and look at them dead in the eyes. As hard as it may be, do it. They say the eyes are the windows to your soul. If you keep your blinds closed all the time, then no one can see how beautiful it really is. There is nothing easier that someone can do to make others smile, or give yourself confidence,than to simply look someone in the eyes.

I don't know how old you may be, but I see so much of myself in what you post. I remember when I was around 20 I felt so much like that. Am I correct in guessing you are a younger man? Perhaps early 20's? Perhaps younger?

We all can change. We all can conquer our fears. You are a leg up on everyone else as you have the clarity of thought to know what it is that holds you back. Then lets face them. YOu can do it! IF I can, anyone can.

If you ever need to talk, need advice, or just to hear a friendly 'voice', feel free to pm me.