I wrote this as a letter to a friend to express why I behave like an ass.
I later read back on it and realised, 50% of it is fiction, But a damned good read!
"I wallow in my faeces and urine for days on end without bathing.
Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up every day of your life for as long as you can remember, soaked in your own piss?
Not to EVER have anything clean to wear or to sleep in?
And to keep all this secret from even your parents, who never seem to ask anyway.
I have been essentially wearing the same pair of clothes for the last 7 years of my life, albeit in different sizes.
My childhood was filled with anger and hate as every day my brother would assault me thus destroying all confidence in myself I would ever have.
Along with that the arguments between my father - mother, brother - father, brother - mother, myself - mother, were almost intolerable.
Not to mention moving between two equally run-down shitty miserable houses on a weekly basis (both of which had only 1 room for 4 people to sleep in) My whole life until about 2 years ago, I have had no privacy.
I have Suffered constant abuse from bullies and thugs who have always had the excuse that im weird or different as an oppurtunity to attack me, sometimes resulting in concussion, other times hospitalisation.
Heavy weed consumption gave me extreme hypochondria and paranoia in the area of health, and then led on to me abusing alcohol and cocaine in the extremes, thus destroying the last shred of normality, happiness, and humanity I had left in me.
Now Im just a creepy freak bound by fate to be either a mad man, a murderer, or some other grim mutilation of human intelligence
Just to stress how much this has affected me, I cannot, and will not wear anything but my own uniform clothing.
I cannot make casual conversation, for some reason it has become impossible for me. Instead I ramble about how much I hate the world, the people around me, and myself.
My only girlfreinds did not come about via any conceivable 'charm' or flirtation, rather that a bit too many drugs, and the cheapness of my relative good looks.
I did not know what to make of any of these relationships, which resulted in me screwing them up fantastically and driving my hatred for myself steadily towards what it has become. A beast.
I am a disgusting, self-absorbed peice of nothing. My only hope is that if I ever find a cure for my misery, I will start to see otherwise.
I am living like a mad man.
Smuthering myself in my own mind.
I'm awake for 20-30 hours at a time, I sleep for 17 hours at a time.
I have distrubing vivid nightmares about my current state.
I do not have the willpower, control, or discipline to go to my own therapy appointments that I worked so hard to get. Or to attend a doctors appointment for my own peace of mind.
Most people I have known or been friends with in the past 3 years, I never want to speak to again, for fear I have humiliated myself unforgiveably.
Its almost like im torturing myself, punishing myself, for all the honeysuckle I did to myself in the first place.
I have a constant war in my mind between the side of me that just wants to get better, and the side of me that Is angry for getting myself here. I never know whether to trust or beleive myself. Most of the time I just accept the fact that everything that crosses my mind is pure bullshit.
You may still say to yourself, This is teenage angst...
But half of my problems are as old as myself, and most of which I have memorys of making me just as miserable as this, only 10 years prior to this document. Well... Throughout most of my life for that matter.
Am I ill?
Or just depressed?
In the last few months, it has occured to me, that from now on.... Im officially messed up."
I later read back on it and realised, 50% of it is fiction, But a damned good read!
"I wallow in my faeces and urine for days on end without bathing.
Do you have any idea how it feels to wake up every day of your life for as long as you can remember, soaked in your own piss?
Not to EVER have anything clean to wear or to sleep in?
And to keep all this secret from even your parents, who never seem to ask anyway.
I have been essentially wearing the same pair of clothes for the last 7 years of my life, albeit in different sizes.
My childhood was filled with anger and hate as every day my brother would assault me thus destroying all confidence in myself I would ever have.
Along with that the arguments between my father - mother, brother - father, brother - mother, myself - mother, were almost intolerable.
Not to mention moving between two equally run-down shitty miserable houses on a weekly basis (both of which had only 1 room for 4 people to sleep in) My whole life until about 2 years ago, I have had no privacy.
I have Suffered constant abuse from bullies and thugs who have always had the excuse that im weird or different as an oppurtunity to attack me, sometimes resulting in concussion, other times hospitalisation.
Heavy weed consumption gave me extreme hypochondria and paranoia in the area of health, and then led on to me abusing alcohol and cocaine in the extremes, thus destroying the last shred of normality, happiness, and humanity I had left in me.
Now Im just a creepy freak bound by fate to be either a mad man, a murderer, or some other grim mutilation of human intelligence
Just to stress how much this has affected me, I cannot, and will not wear anything but my own uniform clothing.
I cannot make casual conversation, for some reason it has become impossible for me. Instead I ramble about how much I hate the world, the people around me, and myself.
My only girlfreinds did not come about via any conceivable 'charm' or flirtation, rather that a bit too many drugs, and the cheapness of my relative good looks.
I did not know what to make of any of these relationships, which resulted in me screwing them up fantastically and driving my hatred for myself steadily towards what it has become. A beast.
I am a disgusting, self-absorbed peice of nothing. My only hope is that if I ever find a cure for my misery, I will start to see otherwise.
I am living like a mad man.
Smuthering myself in my own mind.
I'm awake for 20-30 hours at a time, I sleep for 17 hours at a time.
I have distrubing vivid nightmares about my current state.
I do not have the willpower, control, or discipline to go to my own therapy appointments that I worked so hard to get. Or to attend a doctors appointment for my own peace of mind.
Most people I have known or been friends with in the past 3 years, I never want to speak to again, for fear I have humiliated myself unforgiveably.
Its almost like im torturing myself, punishing myself, for all the honeysuckle I did to myself in the first place.
I have a constant war in my mind between the side of me that just wants to get better, and the side of me that Is angry for getting myself here. I never know whether to trust or beleive myself. Most of the time I just accept the fact that everything that crosses my mind is pure bullshit.
You may still say to yourself, This is teenage angst...
But half of my problems are as old as myself, and most of which I have memorys of making me just as miserable as this, only 10 years prior to this document. Well... Throughout most of my life for that matter.
Am I ill?
Or just depressed?
In the last few months, it has occured to me, that from now on.... Im officially messed up."
