A very interesting self-observation

[hye345]

In the past, AKA high school years, I didn't really have any friends to hang out with. Now, at age 23, I have several circles of friends that I regularly (or semi-regularly) see at least once a week (usually more), and I immensely enjoy their company. Having made this 360-degree turn in friendships, I have noticed a very interesting trend in being alone vs being lonely:

Back when I had few/no friends, I would usually spend my nights at home, on a computer. BUT, even though I was alone, I would rarely feel lonely! I would play video games, watch nostalgic movies, read certain Wikipedia articles out of interest, research career options, read books from time to time, and dabble in certain solitary hobbies/skills, such as programming, 3D-animation, and of course, think about the future glory of college years (at least that's how I thought it would turn out). All of these things would easily eat up a given night, and I wouldn't think about the lack of friends that much. In other words, I didn't need other people to feel fulfilled (though whether or not it was socially healthy is another matter entirely).

Fast forward to now: I have an ample number of friends, and depending on school/work schedule, I see (some of) them at least once a week. We usually do fun and memorable stuff together, and I have fun when I'm with them. But, when I am by myself, I get bored/restless/lose motivation/get mopey/etc much more quickly. Its gotten to the point where I check my phone/facebook/other social outlets for updates every 1 minute if I'm bored enough, which is kinda often these days when I'm not with friends.

I've been trying to come up with reasons as to why this ironic 360-degree turnaround took place, and here are some I came up with:

• Back in the high school years, I always had college to look forward to, so this may have brightened my overall outlook; then again, now I have grad school to look forward to, but the same excitement isn't there.
• Back in the high school years, I got really interested in various career routes, so this led to me taking up related hobbies on my own. Now, my career choice is fairly set, and its not something that I would really consider a 'hobby', in the sense of researching it in my free non-academic time.
• Finally, even though I have friends now, I'm still more or less lacking in sexual and romantic relationships... any developments here are usually a major source of my current ups and downs.

Can anyone else relate to any of this, or have any related epiphanies to add?

 

[jjam]

You are a true extrovert. I was going to say it's about a balance you hadn't found (time alone vs with friends) but there must be a reason why you don't gravitate towards having that balance, right? It's probably because you don't want it. You prefer the extreme end of hanging with friends to an in between or being alone. It's easy to say you love being alone when it would seem you have no choice, as incels seem to about forming romantic relationships. The true test is when you can love being alone even when you have friends to chill with. And of course if you truly loved it, you'd make the choice to engage in and enjoy being alone.

There have been multiple eras of my life where I had a circle of friends (people I hung out with) but I have always been my best friend. I never lost interest in having good amounts of alone time. I never found myself bored with myself or disinterested in my solitary hobbies, even while I had those friends. And I made efforts to have and enjoy that alone time.

I wish having a choice to spend time with friends came as easy for me as having the choice to be alone. I'd have that balance I crave. The problem is making friends is far more difficult for me at this stage of life than it has ever been. 30, been out of school for many years, and kind of... different. lol!

 

[hye345]

You are a true extrovert. I was going to say it's about a balance you hadn't found (time alone vs with friends) but there must be a reason why you don't gravitate towards having that balance, right? It's probably because you don't want it. You prefer the extreme end of hanging with friends to an in between or being alone. It's easy to say you love being alone when it would seem you have no choice, as incels seem to about forming romantic relationships. The true test is when you can love being alone even when you have friends to chill with. And of course if you truly loved it, you'd make the choice to engage in and enjoy being alone.

There have been multiple eras of my life where I had a circle of friends (people I hung out with) but I have always been my best friend. I never lost interest in having good amounts of alone time. I never found myself bored with myself or disinterested in my solitary hobbies, even while I had those friends. And I made efforts to have and enjoy that alone time.

I wish having a choice to spend time with friends came as easy for me as having the choice to be alone. I'd have that balance I crave. The problem is making friends is far more difficult for me at this stage of life than it has ever been. 30, been out of school for many years, and kind of... different. lol!

Interesting... its possible that when I had no friends, I made myself like being alone, sort of like a defense mechanism. In college, especially the first year, I did make an effort to come out of my shell, and be around people (even if they weren't my type, though I ignored that). After willing myself to be more social, I would still enjoy my solitary time. Although looking back, if I was ever by myself in the dorms, and I heard yelling/drinking/partying coming from my neighbors, it wouldn't matter what I was doing: it would always make me feel a bit down.

Nowadays, its a bit different: there have been times where I've turned down offers to hang out with friends, just because I wasn't 'feeling' it.

Maybe I just crave being invited, or being kept in contact with... or, maybe its because since a lot of my 'alone' time is spent 'killing time', rather than doing anything productive, I have more chances to think about my shortcomings... the psychological possibilities seem endless!

I have tried a few hobbies in the past: sketching, starting a collection, etc... the problem is, nowadays its hard to stay motivated with this stuff either. I guess its one of the problems of being the 'Facebook' generation: a very short attention span Its one of the reasons why I'm taking a beginner guitar course in the spring: maybe that will add some flavor to my "me" time.

 

[fuzzybutt]

Dude I hear you. I was basically the same in high school. My last 2 years I spent them basically alone after school (the first 2 also but I had a friend in my apartment complex that I would hang out with from time to time). I sat on the computer a lot, I watched tv alot, I made a lot of drawings and filled several sketchbooks.

I had a small circle of friends in school. But I rarely saw them after school. It was also due to my anxious nature. And no matter how big a crush I had on a girl, it wasn't enough to motivate me to be more social. I regret that.

When I started college I ended up hanging with some of those same friends from high school. I've been in college for like 4 years now and not once have I hanged out with a friend I've made from both colleges I've been too.

However, over time I stopped hanging out with these friends because it was too routine and I found their interests didn't interest me.

I am 22 now and I'm still at home a lot despite the fact that I have one female friend calling me every week and she lives like 15 mins away (and some high school buddies I talk to online almost everyday).

All I think about is hanging out with her (but that's another problem, she seems to be on another planet right now) or just trying to change a bit. It's interfering with my studies, my hobbies, and my motivation. I exercise. I go to the park to try and lift my mood but it only does so much.

My brother who is 16 is worse than me in some perspectives. I have never seen him depressed or anything but besides school, he doesn't leave the house for anything. He watches tv all day and uses the computer. He has no online chat program and at least hasn't even asked me to install one so he can talk to his high school friends.

It's a bad cycle that needs to end. I'm a bad role model too.

 

[Ak5]

I used to be happy being alone.

I've been homeschooled for almost two years now. My first year, I was happy being alone, all day inside, no friends or anything. For the start of my second year and up to now, its like a gnawing feeling every single day. I plan on not being homeschooled anymore and will rejoin school during my last two years of High School.

I, like you, look forward to college to make friends and make a girlfriend.