QuietGuy
Well-known member
Tomorrow morning, I'm probably going to regret posting this, but right now, I need to post it, so here goes.
I seriously considered posting this in the diary forum, because I really don't need or want any replies. I just need to dump some of the toxic thoughts that are swirling around in my mind, before my brain gets too poisoned. My mind is currently twisted up pretty bad, and this is the only way I can think of to straighten it out. You're under no obligation to continue reading, and I should caution you that if you do continue reading, it won't be pleasant, happy, enjoyable, sensible, logical or rational. These words are not here for anyone to necessarily read. It just makes me feel better to know that they're out of my head and out there on the anonymous internet.
Introduction
I've been trying to figure out precisely what it is about being single for so many years (and continuing to be single) that fills me with such unbearable pain, such agonising heartache, such excruciating loneliness. And I think it's this: I feel I'm an abnormal and incomplete human being.
Abnormal
I'll put it simply: I'm 27, I've had precisely one relationship, when I was 21, which lasted for just 6 months, and I've now been single for the last 6 years. That's abnormal. The majority consider themselves normal, so to be in a minority is to be abnormal. The vast majority of guys in their 20s are having wonderful intimate experiences with girls, and I'm not. That's just ******* abnormal.
When I walk down the street (especially in the summer), and see lots of smiling couples holding hands, I look at them and think to myself: "You're normal. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, which is having fun with the opposite sex. I'm glad for you. I'm happy for you, because you're normal. But what the fresia is wrong with me? Why should I be the ******* abnormal one? The odd one out? What did I do to deserve this?"
Imagine a guy who never learned to walk when he was a baby. All he could do was crawl around on the floor. All through his childhood, teenage years, and adulthood, he never learned to walk. He's now a grown man, but he still crawls around on the floor. He doesn't walk along the pavement, he crawls along it. People would stare at him, and think: "What the fresia is wrong with this guy?? Why hasn't he learned to walk?? That's just ******* abnormal. What a ******* weirdo." That's exactly how I feel. Normal guys start dating girls in their mid teenage years, and lose their virginity between about 16 and 19. By the time they're 27, normal guys have had loads and loads of experience with girls. I feel that if normal people found out about my absurd ridiculous lack of relationships and experience with girls, they would feel the same utter incredulity as seeing a grown man crawling along the pavement. "What the fresia is wrong with this guy?? He's 27 and he's only had one 6-month relationship, SIX YEARS AGO?? That's just ******* abnormal. What a ******* weirdo."
I just feel like I'm disconnected from the entire world. I'm in the world, but not of the world. I'm not a normal human being. I must be some weird mutant from another planet.
Obviously, normal people are single from time to time, and that's fine. They use the time when they're temporarily single to enjoy their hobbies etc, confident in the fact that their next partner will arrive very soon. But I've been "enjoying my hobbies" for 6 painfully long years now, and I'm ******* FED UP of filling my time with my lonely hobbies. I want a ******* girlfriend, like every other normal guy on this planet.
Incomplete
Recently, a lot of my friends have got engaged or got married. I've attended their weddings, and I've listened to them while they go on and on about how insanely happy they are, about how meeting their partner is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to them in their entire life, about how they're currently dancing around in some ecstatic blissful euphoria, watched them actually start crying because they're so in love, etc, etc.
Now, of course, they're my friends, and I'm genuinely very happy for them. Everyone in this world deserves to find that kind of love, and I'm genuinely glad that they have.
But when I listen to them, I realise one horrifically painful thing - they feel so complete, and I feel so ******* incomplete. It's like someone's taken a carving knife, gruesomely stabbed me and cut out one of my lungs from my chest. A human being is not designed to exist with only one lung. A human being is not designed to live their life alone without a lover.
I'm so fed up with all this ******* philosophical bullshit about "you have to feel complete by yourself". No, I need to have a partner to feel complete. That's why the human race has two ******* genders. Male and female. Each is only half complete without the other. If someone's husband or wife died in a horrible accident, I wouldn't go dancing up to them and say: "Don't worry, you don't need them, you can feel complete by yourself!"
Chess requires two sets of 16 pieces, white and black. A chess set is useless if you only have the black pieces. I suppose you could find some random use for the black pieces on their own, but they're basically pointless unless there are white pieces for them to interact with. I feel like a set of black chess pieces, looking across the chessboard at the empty spaces where the white pieces should be. I have such a burning desire to play a wonderful rich game of chess, but instead I sit here, silent, motionless, alone.
I feel like an empty shell of a person. On the outside, I appear to be solid, happy and cheerful, but inside is nothing but emptiness. I'm like an empty glass. The purpose of a glass is to hold water. Having a glass is pointless if there's no water to fill it with. I need a lover to fill this horrible empty void in my existence.
Conclusion
I try so hard to be a good person, to do what I know is right. I don't indulge in alcohol, smoking, drugs, gambling, crime, or anything of the sort. I put so much effort into being the best person I can possibly be. All I ask in return is that, out of the 3 billion girls on this planet, I want just one to love me. I don't need all 3 billion girls to love me. Just one. One girl. That's all I ask.
A common piece of advice given to single people is: "Think of all the qualities you'd like to find in a partner, express those qualities yourself, and you will attract your ideal partner to you." I want a girlfriend who is unselfish, thoughtful of other people, caring, sensitive, grateful for all the good that she has, patient with other people, etc. So every day, I do my absolute best to express these qualities in my interactions with people in my everyday life. I've been doing this daily for 6 long years now. And I'm still ******* single. Great ******* advice, thanks.
Every time I meet a girl I'm genuinely sincerely attracted to, precisely the same outcome occurs. I'm so used to it now, it doesn't really surprise or disappoint me any more. I'll somehow let her know that I'm attracted to her, either through my ridiculous attempts at flirting, or simply telling her that I really like her, etc. And every time, there's some ******* excuse. She already has a boyfriend. She's not attracted to me. She's just been through a painful break-up, and won't be ready to begin dating again for a long time. But above all, she sees me as "just a nice guy". I'm so ******* fed up with being "just a nice guy".
As good old Robbie Williams says: "I got so much love, running through my veins, going to waste." I may be sadly mistaken, but I believe I have so much love running through my veins, and there must be a girl somewhere in the world who would appreciate the love I have to give her. And I'm not really talking about sex. I'm talking about the basic human need for love, comfort, tenderness, companionship. I believe I can offer a girl such wonderful tender love. I feel my heart radiating with so much potential love... and it's all just flowing away down the ******* drain.
OK, I'm done. If you really have read all the way here from the beginning, then I thank you. I think I'll go and lie on my bed now in the darkness, cry myself to sleep, and wake up tomorrow with my tiny microscopic little candle flame of hope still burning... but only just. "I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
Postlude
I'll leave you with the saddest music that has ever been composed. It makes me cry uncontrollable tears every single time I listen to it. It even makes me cry just thinking of the music, hearing it in my mind. It's the perfect soundtrack to my lonely life...
[youtube]amH5UUFtlc4[/youtube]
I seriously considered posting this in the diary forum, because I really don't need or want any replies. I just need to dump some of the toxic thoughts that are swirling around in my mind, before my brain gets too poisoned. My mind is currently twisted up pretty bad, and this is the only way I can think of to straighten it out. You're under no obligation to continue reading, and I should caution you that if you do continue reading, it won't be pleasant, happy, enjoyable, sensible, logical or rational. These words are not here for anyone to necessarily read. It just makes me feel better to know that they're out of my head and out there on the anonymous internet.
Introduction
I've been trying to figure out precisely what it is about being single for so many years (and continuing to be single) that fills me with such unbearable pain, such agonising heartache, such excruciating loneliness. And I think it's this: I feel I'm an abnormal and incomplete human being.
Abnormal
I'll put it simply: I'm 27, I've had precisely one relationship, when I was 21, which lasted for just 6 months, and I've now been single for the last 6 years. That's abnormal. The majority consider themselves normal, so to be in a minority is to be abnormal. The vast majority of guys in their 20s are having wonderful intimate experiences with girls, and I'm not. That's just ******* abnormal.
When I walk down the street (especially in the summer), and see lots of smiling couples holding hands, I look at them and think to myself: "You're normal. You're doing exactly what you should be doing, which is having fun with the opposite sex. I'm glad for you. I'm happy for you, because you're normal. But what the fresia is wrong with me? Why should I be the ******* abnormal one? The odd one out? What did I do to deserve this?"
Imagine a guy who never learned to walk when he was a baby. All he could do was crawl around on the floor. All through his childhood, teenage years, and adulthood, he never learned to walk. He's now a grown man, but he still crawls around on the floor. He doesn't walk along the pavement, he crawls along it. People would stare at him, and think: "What the fresia is wrong with this guy?? Why hasn't he learned to walk?? That's just ******* abnormal. What a ******* weirdo." That's exactly how I feel. Normal guys start dating girls in their mid teenage years, and lose their virginity between about 16 and 19. By the time they're 27, normal guys have had loads and loads of experience with girls. I feel that if normal people found out about my absurd ridiculous lack of relationships and experience with girls, they would feel the same utter incredulity as seeing a grown man crawling along the pavement. "What the fresia is wrong with this guy?? He's 27 and he's only had one 6-month relationship, SIX YEARS AGO?? That's just ******* abnormal. What a ******* weirdo."
I just feel like I'm disconnected from the entire world. I'm in the world, but not of the world. I'm not a normal human being. I must be some weird mutant from another planet.
Obviously, normal people are single from time to time, and that's fine. They use the time when they're temporarily single to enjoy their hobbies etc, confident in the fact that their next partner will arrive very soon. But I've been "enjoying my hobbies" for 6 painfully long years now, and I'm ******* FED UP of filling my time with my lonely hobbies. I want a ******* girlfriend, like every other normal guy on this planet.
Incomplete
Recently, a lot of my friends have got engaged or got married. I've attended their weddings, and I've listened to them while they go on and on about how insanely happy they are, about how meeting their partner is the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to them in their entire life, about how they're currently dancing around in some ecstatic blissful euphoria, watched them actually start crying because they're so in love, etc, etc.
Now, of course, they're my friends, and I'm genuinely very happy for them. Everyone in this world deserves to find that kind of love, and I'm genuinely glad that they have.
But when I listen to them, I realise one horrifically painful thing - they feel so complete, and I feel so ******* incomplete. It's like someone's taken a carving knife, gruesomely stabbed me and cut out one of my lungs from my chest. A human being is not designed to exist with only one lung. A human being is not designed to live their life alone without a lover.
I'm so fed up with all this ******* philosophical bullshit about "you have to feel complete by yourself". No, I need to have a partner to feel complete. That's why the human race has two ******* genders. Male and female. Each is only half complete without the other. If someone's husband or wife died in a horrible accident, I wouldn't go dancing up to them and say: "Don't worry, you don't need them, you can feel complete by yourself!"
Chess requires two sets of 16 pieces, white and black. A chess set is useless if you only have the black pieces. I suppose you could find some random use for the black pieces on their own, but they're basically pointless unless there are white pieces for them to interact with. I feel like a set of black chess pieces, looking across the chessboard at the empty spaces where the white pieces should be. I have such a burning desire to play a wonderful rich game of chess, but instead I sit here, silent, motionless, alone.
I feel like an empty shell of a person. On the outside, I appear to be solid, happy and cheerful, but inside is nothing but emptiness. I'm like an empty glass. The purpose of a glass is to hold water. Having a glass is pointless if there's no water to fill it with. I need a lover to fill this horrible empty void in my existence.
Conclusion
I try so hard to be a good person, to do what I know is right. I don't indulge in alcohol, smoking, drugs, gambling, crime, or anything of the sort. I put so much effort into being the best person I can possibly be. All I ask in return is that, out of the 3 billion girls on this planet, I want just one to love me. I don't need all 3 billion girls to love me. Just one. One girl. That's all I ask.
A common piece of advice given to single people is: "Think of all the qualities you'd like to find in a partner, express those qualities yourself, and you will attract your ideal partner to you." I want a girlfriend who is unselfish, thoughtful of other people, caring, sensitive, grateful for all the good that she has, patient with other people, etc. So every day, I do my absolute best to express these qualities in my interactions with people in my everyday life. I've been doing this daily for 6 long years now. And I'm still ******* single. Great ******* advice, thanks.
Every time I meet a girl I'm genuinely sincerely attracted to, precisely the same outcome occurs. I'm so used to it now, it doesn't really surprise or disappoint me any more. I'll somehow let her know that I'm attracted to her, either through my ridiculous attempts at flirting, or simply telling her that I really like her, etc. And every time, there's some ******* excuse. She already has a boyfriend. She's not attracted to me. She's just been through a painful break-up, and won't be ready to begin dating again for a long time. But above all, she sees me as "just a nice guy". I'm so ******* fed up with being "just a nice guy".
As good old Robbie Williams says: "I got so much love, running through my veins, going to waste." I may be sadly mistaken, but I believe I have so much love running through my veins, and there must be a girl somewhere in the world who would appreciate the love I have to give her. And I'm not really talking about sex. I'm talking about the basic human need for love, comfort, tenderness, companionship. I believe I can offer a girl such wonderful tender love. I feel my heart radiating with so much potential love... and it's all just flowing away down the ******* drain.
OK, I'm done. If you really have read all the way here from the beginning, then I thank you. I think I'll go and lie on my bed now in the darkness, cry myself to sleep, and wake up tomorrow with my tiny microscopic little candle flame of hope still burning... but only just. "I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
Postlude
I'll leave you with the saddest music that has ever been composed. It makes me cry uncontrollable tears every single time I listen to it. It even makes me cry just thinking of the music, hearing it in my mind. It's the perfect soundtrack to my lonely life...
[youtube]amH5UUFtlc4[/youtube]