Abusive Relationship. I think I need help.

[yai]

This is incredibly long. No one has to read it or anything. I'm just really upset right now and need to type everything out. I don't know. Sorry about it being so long and whiny and pathetic.

If anyone is in an abusive or verbally abusive relationship right now, or has gotten out of one, please pm me. I'm in desperate need of help.

I've been with my boyfriend 3 years. 3 years this has been going on. I can't really talk to a lot of people about it because people won't understand, or they'll think poorly of me for not leaving, or something.

I ******* hate myself. Everything he says to me, everything he does to me, I'm starting to believe I'm as worthless as he tells me.

There is so many things to say. So many things that I haven't really typed out before.. Our fights consist of me begging him to stop hurting me, to stop treating me so badly, to treat me like a person.. to stop treating me like a dog.. and he sits there and screams in my face, tells me I'm an idiot, that I'm messed up. I'm not messed up. I'm not messed up.

He's dragged me out of a car by my leg across gravel, when I got up he pushed me down screaming he hated me, that I was ******* worthless, that I meant nothing.. he's pulled his car into some unknown neighborhood sometimes hours away from my home and left me at 2, 4, 5 am by getting out of his car and running off. Just left me. In the freezing cold car. I called out to him, asking him to at least shut the window because it was so cold, he said "No, fresia you." I said how am I supposed to get home? He said ******* find your own way home.

He'd drive really fast in the car, slam on the breaks in the middle of the road, and drive really fast again.. if I told him to slow down he'd scream "shut your ******* mouth, just shut the fresia up, stop telling me what to ******* do".. He has screamed hateful things not even an inch from my face.. that no one liked me, that his family or friends didn't like me, that I was pathetic, that no one will ever like me.. that no one wants me..

I would beg him to just calm down. The only thing I'm ever mad at him for is how he treats me, how he lies, how he screams and hurts me so much and ignores me. He'd just get mad, ignore me for days, pick up the phone and scream at me and hang up again, when ALL he has to do is just text saying he's angry and needs to calm down and he'll talk to me later - and then I wouldn't contact him again until he wanted. But no, he just continues to ignore me, and I completely lose it and just try to work things out.. because he makes my life a living hell when he's angry.. says things like "I'm going to break up with you and you're not going to like it" "I ******* hate you and who you are" "You're a ******* idiot, you're stupid"..

Of course he spends one day with me with things being "calm" and he's back to normal, back to "I love you" "I'm so sorry I hurt you" "I'll never hurt you like that again..", all of those things. He's broken so many promises to me. He has sex with me, tells me he loves me, and then gets angry at something small 20 minutes later and says he ******* hates me and I'm nothing. I ask him "How can you say that when 20 minutes ago you said you loved me?" - He'll scream back "The past doesn't matter. That's your excuse every time."

He's thrown chairs across the room, pushed me into walls, grabbed my arm and twisted it, digging his fingernail as hard as he could into my skin.. the only scar I have. He's thrown extremely hot pizza all over me, burning my arms and hands really badly.. Sometimes I have to beg him to apologize because he feels he did nothing wrong. He said me getting burned was a consequence for being frustrating. He said "I ******* burned my hand too, you know, so stop complaining" - when he burned his hand because he picked up the pizza to throw at me! He's say "I had to walk back in the freezing cold too you know" when he was the one that left me in the car in below zero weather telling me to find my own way home.

He says I don't know how to argue. I don't say the right things. I don't "get" anything. I try my best to understand what I apparently don't "get" and he just says "it's been 3 ******* years, if you don't know by know you never will", or whenever I have a point or whenever I try to stick up for myself, he screams that he "doesn't want to deal with this honeysuckle anymore" and he's "tired of me and all our problems".. "You always have to ******* defend yourself. I wish you would just shut up." He says I can't handle anything. It's completely reversed. If I say anything that is wrong with how he handles things, he'll scream at me and hang up and ignore me for a few more days.. It's just so painful.

I just want things to always go back to everything being okay - he's a great guy when he's not angry, and the moment he gets irritated about something everything he ever felt for me just goes out the ******* window and he feels he can treat me however the hell he wants.

Yeah, I'm sensitive. I'm over-emotional. He's screamed at me "I don't care about your stupid ******* insignificant feelings".. "I could care less about you".

I know this is one sided.. but I swear, I don't do anything to deserve all of this. He's angry that I get angry at him for hurting me so much. For getting irritated with every little thing, for ignoring me and blowing me off, for lying to me, for refusing to discuss our problems.. He has it in his mind that I'm controlling him, when it's completely not like that at all - he thinks because I called him while he was with his friends (I didn't know he was with him) and asked if he wanted to hang out after they had to leave or whatever, he'd accuse me of trying to take him away from his friends - when I try to tell him it's not like that at all, he'll say "What the fresia ever, I'm sick of this honeysuckle" and hang up and the whole process of ignoring me, treating me like honeysuckle, etc, etc, until he calms down and spends 10 minutes with me, and all of a sudden he's back to loving and considerate and respectful. It's a cycle that he accuses me of starting all the time - I can't get it through to him that if he treated me with respect none of this would be happening!

I found out I was pregnant.. You know what he said? "I don't want you anymore", "You're ******* worthless".. I miscarried, which was ******* horrible. It was so goddamn horrible, no one has any idea. I needed someone - anyone to help me through it, but I was afraid to tell someone. I needed him the most. I needed him to be like how he is when he's fine - but he told me to go ******* deal with it myself. That he didn't care.

He told me that it was better off that it happened, because then that means he wouldn't have to be nice to me during the pregnancy.

20 minutes ago, on the ******* phone he said "You're a little ******* baby who cries all the ******* time. I should have left you years ago. All you do is ******* sob and whine whenever I hurt you like a stupid immature child. You don't get anything. You're a ******* idiot."

I begged him to stop putting me down, to just please stop, and he just kept insulting me and kept saying cruel, evil things.. One time, I flat out asked him "Why do you do these things to me when you're angry? Am I really so worthless to you? Do you just see me as trash or something?" and he looked at me, and said "yes, you are trash."

I'm not like that. I'm not trash, and I'm not an idiot. I'm really not an idiot. I'm not a ******* idiot. I'm not..

I'm so stuck. It doesn't matter what I say or do, it doesn't matter. He just keeps doing these things to me. He promises me he'll change, and then pulls the same honeysuckle over and over again. I have no ******* clue why I stay. I can't pull myself away - when he's great, he's one of the greatest guys ever. But when he gets angry, he's so goddamn hateful and cruel.. I don't understand it. I don't understand how someone can be that way.

He hit me last week for the first time. Actually just flat out hit me. We were driving, he got mad at whatever, stopped and pulled the car over, got out of it and ran off. I didn't know where I was.. I couldn't get out of the car.. and even if I did he'd just call me and be like "What the fresia is wrong with you? Where the hell are you?".. I get out once he is walking back to his car, I don't say a WORD and all of a sudden he screams at me and throws his phone down saying "Why are you the way you are? Why can't you just shut the fresia up for once? You just have to keep talking and whining about how much I hurt you".. For some.. bizarre reason I just calmly bent down and picked up his phone saying "you'll break this if you throw it" and he all of a sudden just hit me. He just flat out ******* hit me. He still hasn't apologized. If the topic comes up, he just breathes really heavily and gets irritated and says he doesn't want to ******* hear it.

I can't take this anymore. I have no idea what to do to stop him from doing these things. I can't get it through his head. I have tried leaving, he came crawling back and I gave him a second chance. I feel so attached to him - I care about him so much and it just ******* hurts so much that he does these things to me. I can't handle it.

I'm sorry. I needed to type this out somewhere. I know it's long, and you guys don't have to read it, but I needed to type it out nonetheless. I really just ******* hate everything he does to me. I just want it to stop.. I just want everything to be okay.. I hate this so much.

 

[SilentThinker]

Sorry to hear all these.I do have an abusive relationship with a friend.I do not know what I did to him that he treated me badly.Maybe I stopped playing the game he usually played or that I refused to leave the current group I am in because he wanted to move on to another group of friend.

I bought many prepaid cards to play the game he played but all I get is he intentionally ignored me and called me a leech in the group.At that period of time,leaving the relationship was kind of risky because I have no other friends but him.I eventually ended the relationship and things slowly began to turn out well.

 

[Vacuo]

I'll pm you my contact details.
I've been in an abusive relationship with the majority of guys i've been with. I thought that getting hit by a boyfriend was normal until i turned 16.

I take this honeysuckle very seriously, and want to help to the best of my ability. being on a psp, cant really message back and forth properly, unless it's im'ing honeysuckle.
I'll hear you out, nobody should have to deal with that honeysuckle. physical, or verbal.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

my last relationship turned very abusive.

While my ex-gf wanted to blame her alcoholism for her actions...
she's just writting it off...bascailly she pretends like of dead today.
She's yet to say a word to me about anything she's done.
she's still living in denial. She turned into a very abrassive violent drunk.

Yet the signs where always there from the get go.
She used to stalk me...when I was dating other people.
She used to say degrading things to me...but it was just a joke.
She used to physically hitted me...but I figure a girl couldn't hurt me
physically.
She used to throw my guitars or belongings around or tried to hit
me with it. She slashed the tires to my car...etc

She even cheated on me...and blamed me for it.
For a while i actaully thought it was all my fualt.
yeah...everytime I stand up for myself the **** table got turned on me...

I comb though everything...my actions with a fine tooth comb.
While i wasn't perfect..I started blaming myself for everything.

Yes..that day came...years later into the relationship..
it finally came out of her mouth...just like I read in many books.
" No one will love you as much as i love you"
" you can't fine anyone else"

Sometimes she'll threaten to kill herself over and over again
if I want to end the relationship.

She even went as far as breaking up a relationship I
had with someone else after we had broken up for over
6 months. After I wanted to move on with my life.
She used to break into my house all the time..and i
would bascailly find Goldie Locks sleeping in my bed.
Over and Over again.

she knew where i live, where i work.
My e-mail address. my work number, my phone number
my cell phone...and of course the different checking account #.

Even the informations or knowelge of that...
I couldn't leave...I felt like a part of me was go to died.
I went back to her over and over again. It's been 4 years
since i started reading or informing myself with this subject
ABUSIVE or TOXIC relationship.

I remember telling myself to pack many, many nights
but my body wouldn't move...i would break into tears
or get very, very sick. I always felt like i had a fever
or pressure in my head...I felt like i was going to die
if i leave....It feel like a crazy, crazy drug addiction...

i got clean and sober @22....This abusive relationship
is in a class of it's own, for me...

My friends and family hid me from her for months at a time.
but i kept going back to her. i had to move to a different
town and get a different job..
One of my best friend is not too happy with me becuase
he went out of his way to try to give me a new start.
I did good for 6 months...but I went back to her.
My mother gets very fustrated with me...over and over again
I would run back to her.

It's a stigma..I've always had to live with...I'm a guy..no one
will belive me that I've been on the recieving end of an abusive
relationship. So in a way I've alway felt like I've been doing
it alone...that no one will belive me or understand me.

I have minor physical scars...but the mental and
emotional scars are deep...Even to this day I still have to work
through them.

The closest i can try to explain it to you is...
It's like you're in a ONE ON ONE CULT.

Please reach out for help...Being a woman you have more resourse than I do....
But please...work on yourself...if you can break away.

There's so much healing a person needs to go through after
being in a relationship break up...but after an abusive relationship a person needs a lot of time and healing.
And also a lot of work on myself...lots of writing into my childhood.
Alot of opening old wounds that i didn't want to deal with.
I was abused very , very bad as a child ...that's why my mom
deviorced my real father.

You can google abusive relationship...there might be a simple diagram of a cycle of an abusive relationship..
A brift moment of very, very closness...then into disconnect...then into love stravation.
Similar diagrams are shown in co-dependency books. The term used is the alcoholic and codependent dance.

 

[Phyxi]

I, too have been in an abusive relationship, not much different to yours. I was hit, told I was worthless and at one point my ex locked me in a cubicle, stood over me and cut his wrists so the blood would drip on my face. Then, he told me it was my fault because I "made him do it" with my words or actions (which, like you, were often questioning him as to why he treated me badly). He has also scarred me with a knife, left a scar on my face from being beaten and he pulled out a good section of my hair.

I managed to get out of this after two and a half years of being with him. for you, it has been three years -- not much of a difference.

This is how I managed to let go of the relationship.
Firstly, I acknowledged that what was happening was abuse, just as you have just done by typing your story.

Secondly, I began to stop reacting to his behavior. I stopped asking him "why," I stopped crying at the insults or the physical contact. It would anger him more because he wasn't getting the attention or power that he craved. BUT, If you successfully block him out, he'll eventually lose interest because it's not a satisfactory power gain any more. This entitles you to a little bit more freedom, and you start to see a weakness in him which is only a good thing because you realise they are not the "all powerful" after all.

Thirdly, is learning how to confide in friends or family once again, despite what he may say or do to try and keep you away from them. Once you have the support group around you
it is that little bit easier to leave. Start to prepare yourself, get a hold of anything important that he might try to keep away from you.

Fourth… and this is the hardest part…. Just –leave.- Seek professional help if need be, but DO NOT go back to him once you do leave. I made that mistake and it’s a very bad mistake to make . if you want to leave, leave for good.

Just remember that to have copped this much abuse already, well.. you have the strength to also be alone and not have him in your life. Also, we define our own sense of worth -- nobody else can do that for us. So, start to focus on how you feel about yourself rather than what he TELLS you to feel about yourself.

Good luck...

 

[SunWeb]

Hello Yai !

Looks like he is mentally unstable and won't change. Why do you stay with him ? Leave him and find someone normal.

 

[Vacuo]

It ain't as easy as just walking out. It takes time. You can't just leave your life and home behind just like that.


Yai, hun. I'm not sure if you got my second message, dumb bullshit internet. Hope you did, and i'll be online often enough for you to talk to, kay? And Phyxi or w.e gives good points, read her honeysuckle. Except i personally believe you should avoid professional help. those cunts are nothing but bullshitters and scammers. to me anyway.

 

[Unacceptance]

I was raised in a house when I was pretty young with a dude who beat my mom. I understand it's not the easiest thing to just pack up and leave. However you need to start planning and taking the steps to get out of this. She did it without being able to speak a lick of English, with a kid, in a country where she wasn't even a citizen. She had to go to school all over again because they didn't count her education. Trust me, it can be done, I've seen it done from harsher conditions.

I have to deal with Domestic Violence type situations on a daily basis. I was pretty amazed at the rate that women get beat up. It doesn't make complete sense to me, but it doesn't make complete sense to just take it either. It's your life and you gotta take control of it even if just little by little. Because trust me, it won't get any better at all, it won't stop and it WILL get worst.

 

[Nibiru]

Hi Yai, how you are feeling a bit better since your post.

I really sympathise with how you must be feeling since i myself have been stuck in abusive relationships with men in the past. My first boyfriend would act very simliar to yours. one minute he'd be fine, next minute he'd be screaming and shouting in my face and yelling that i was 'pathetic', that was his favourite word for me. I'd always burst into tears, then he'd tell me i was 'crazy' or 'imagining things', when i knew i wasn't. After a few months of me shrugging off the verbal abuse, he started getting physical, one morning when i was getting ready to go to university he got his belt and whacked me as hard as i could with his belt buckle across my hands just because i wouldn't make him a cup of coffee. Then another time we were watching the news on t.v. and i said something silly, which led him to punch me full force in the face. Another time he threw a load of knives at me because i was going out with my cousin, then another time he pushed me over onto the ground and kicked me. After each occasion, the next day he would always come crawling back appologising and saying the usual bollocks of how much he loved me and 'would never do it again' and that he was just 'depressed'. So me giving him the benefit of the doubt and pitying his tearful phone calls would let him back. But the same cycle continued.

In the end i had enough and realsied i had to STOP making excuses for his behaviour and that he wasn't a lost tourtured soul trying to fond his way in the world, he was merely an evil scumbag that deserved all the pain and misery that would eventually come to him. So i began to give as good as i got and did it all back to him, just to see how he liked it. The next time he called me 'pathetic' he had his hot curry thrown in his face, when he hit me he got a stone through his window and me screaming wife beater in the street. lol Funnily enough he shat his pants and ran off like the coward he is. The best thing i ever did was to wise up, which is what you definately need to do, this honeysuckle is not going to stop Yai so long as you let it happen. You seriously need to get away from him asap, or even better report the ******* to the police.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Get out. Just leave. If you can't handle or deal with it, just leave. Some way or another, just find a way to leave. Go over a friend's house, go to a shelter, anything. I'm in one myself, but I can handle it. He tells me to shut the fresia up, and shut my ******* mouth. He says it in an even more inappropriate way, which I won't post, but I know myself, and I know I can handle it. Most of the time I don't pay him any mind. Sometimes, the situation results in a little bit more, but like I said, I can handle it. I really feel for you, and the only thing I can think of is to just get away.

 

[joanmcf]

Hi and I'm glad you spoke out about the abuse you've suffered.
Don't put up with it for another minute. Leave this guy...you're better off alone and lonely than with a person who treats you this way.
You know deep down that what he says to you is garbage. You know he's wrong. Use all the strength you've got to LEAVE. You don't owe him anything.
I'll be thinking about you. Good luck.

 

[Unacceptance]

Give us an update.

 

[DayvanCowboy]

Anything I would say has been said already, but I am so sorry that your life has been involved with such a vicious being and you have gone through such appalling experiences. Reading your post made me feel so angry and so sad. I can tell that you have had enough. Nobody would make such a post and let people know unless you felt the need to just gain a little guidance and support to make the push in yourself to leave. It seems that you are at the start of doing that.

You have people that have gone through similar situations which is something you really need at the moment. Please listen to them because I agree with everything they have mentioned. It will be tough to just leave since you have gone through so much with him and have many feelings for him. Hopefully you do one day and for now just try to be strong and not let his actions effect you as much. It will be hard, but just try and take control to make yourself feel better and don't let him phase you in any way.

 

[samba101]

Well he's gotten away with his behaviour for far too long and now instead of words you have to deal with physical abuse. I'm not sure how your going to do it but LEAVE when you can and don't look back, sure its easy for me to say it. My ex would come out with abuse when we were fighting or when he was drunk like I had to lock myself in the bathroom or he would be in my face, he kicked me once and I was so mad, he did it infront of a group of people so I kicked him back and bruised his leg. Mostly he used to go on about my father and how much he disliked him, or how black my friends were ecetera ecetera putting them down, he had an ugly side and finally my cousin saw it so she told the whole family what he was really like. Over all he was a great guy there was just 5% of the time he could be a nasty prick, my ex was more of a bully.

Anyhow there's guys out there who would never dream of speaking to you that way, sure your boyfriends not like that all the time but then the things he does to you are not on and if he just up and hit you for picking up a phone he's gonna start breaking your bones or smashing your face in soon enough it will snow ball, it's already started and when you have kids your gonna see their faces when daddy is beating the honeysuckle out of you, easier to leave now then have family and pack them up and leave, it's harder financially as well you'll probably run out of self esteem and I think you've already started to believe the pack of lies he's telling you.

Well I'll be thinking of you this week.

 

[vertigo]

I am going to regurgitate the same message that everyone else here has said, however difficult you find it to be and for whatever reasons you have, you have to put that aside and end the relationship.
You cannot let others dictate your life for you and manipulate you like he does. Truth is a relationship like the one you are in is just going to continue to weight down on you for as long as until one day you won’t be able to bear the load and you’ll completely breakdown. I’d hate to see that happen to you so don’t put up with the bullshit that he’s feeding you, do what you have to.
And don’t let the good sides that he can show at times blind you from moving forward. The old philosophy of the yin & the yang sums it up very well, where there is evil there will always be some good, and same goes the other way. Don't expect him to change.
But ultimately it’s your decision, and whatever you chose, you got my support.

 

[yai]

I'm just updating.

Thank you for the advice and support everyone, reading all the replies has made me feel a bit better about things.

Everything is still really shitty, it's not getting any better and I'm a huge emotional wreck, but hopefully I can calm down and things will end up not being as terrible as they have been.

I don't know if I can leave him. I'm a weak person and I still want to be with him, for some strange reason. I don't know why. Scared of losing such a big part of my life? Not wanting to go through the stages of breaking up and never speaking again? We're just so used to eachother and all this honeysuckle that breaking free from it would be good in the long run I'm sure, but overall devastating and something I just don't want to go through.

Thanks again. It was a very low point for me the night I wrote that.

 

[bobgarden]

lt sounds like he has a mental disorder and has resorted to violent tendencies to gain power over you.Has he been taking some form of toxins to make him like this.
Because the brains biology and the environment we are familiar with have much to do with human aggression.An environment that is associated with violence and drugs will alter the brains chemicals,by lowering the level of serotonin that keeps the aggression at bay.Alcohol is another toxin that lowers the serotonin levels,thereby exposing a relationship to abuse and linking the reasons why violence and abuse is so common when consuming toxins.

Do not let him take power over you,as this will only accelerate the physical and mental abuse from him,since he knows he can get away with it.He must confront his demons and deal with them in the right and proper manner.There is no excuse for violence and mental torture.

Some claim that humans are violent by nature,which l disagree with.Violence has been taught what is around us,television,papers,and also verbal abuse from the one's that forces bullying is the right way to gain respect,which is wrong thinking.

A bad environment with toxins and violence will create bullying and alter the brains chemisty into an aggressive mode.
l am not saying you are taking these substances,all l am saying is this is one of the main causes in violent behaviour.

 

[Unacceptance]

I'm just updating.

Thank you for the advice and support everyone, reading all the replies has made me feel a bit better about things.

Everything is still really shitty, it's not getting any better and I'm a huge emotional wreck, but hopefully I can calm down and things will end up not being as terrible as they have been.

I don't know if I can leave him. I'm a weak person and I still want to be with him, for some strange reason. I don't know why. Scared of losing such a big part of my life? Not wanting to go through the stages of breaking up and never speaking again? We're just so used to eachother and all this honeysuckle that breaking free from it would be good in the long run I'm sure, but overall devastating and something I just don't want to go through.

Thanks again. It was a very low point for me the night I wrote that.

If you are a weak person you will need to toughen up. Humans are animals too, and once there is a learned and accepted behavior it will continue. If you're just going to lie down and take his abuse, it will continue and most likely get worse.

This is 1. Statistically proven. 2. Empirically proven.

When I lived in a battered women's shelter during a period in my youth I'm always going to remember the lady who had her HAND CUT THE fresia OFF by her husband when she tried to leave him. Now that I'm all grown and work for my local emergency services as a 911 operator I deal with this thing on a daily basis. Just the other day two call stuck out at me. One was a lady who was too frightened to give me any information on her boyfriend who had just broken her ankle during a beating. The other was a paraplegic whose ex husband was still coming over to terrorize her, his latest form of abuse was that he was showing up to take away her helper dog so that she would have no way of functioning.

Now let me ask you something, and I don't mean it in a condescending way, but is that the sort of life you wish to lead? Is that really where you want to see yourself in the future? A month from now, 5 years from now or 2 decades down the line? Being mistreated and not knowing at what point whether or not today you'll end up with a busted lip or a bruised rib or a black eye because someone else decided you needed it? It's better to be alone than in bad company, at least no one ruins your honeysuckle. It sounds like you are pretty young. DO you depend on this person financially? Do you have a child together? If not, you don't have much invested in the relationship outside of an emotional bond which could be made elsewhere.

Now here are some random facts I pulled up:

As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. (Gazmararian J.A., Petersen R., Spitz A.M., Goodwin M.M., Saltzman L.E., Marks J.S. (2000). Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions. Maternal and Child Health Journal 4 (2), 79-84.)

On average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends in this country every day. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief. (2003). Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001. No Author.)

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44 in the United States. (Committee on the Judiciary United States Senate, 102nd Congress. (1992). Violence Against Women, A Majority Staff Report (page 3). No Author.)

From the U.S. Dept. of Justice Bureau of Justice Statistics, "Violence against Women: A National Crime Victimization Survey Report, January 1994"

Nearly 2 in 3 female victims of violence were related to or knew their attacker. (p. iii)

Over two-thirds of violent victimizations against women were committed by someone known to them: 31% of female victims reported that the offender was a stranger. Approximately 28% were intimates such as husbands or boyfriends, 35% were acquaintances, and the remaining 5% were other relatives. (In contrast, victimizations by intimates and other relatives accounted for only 5% of all violent victimizations against men. Men were significantly more likely to have been victimized by acquaintances (50%) or strangers (44%) than by intimates or other relatives.) (p. 1)

Almost 6 times as many women victimized by intimates (18%) as those victimized by strangers (3%) did not report their violent victimization to police because they feared reprisal from the offender. (p. 1)

Annually, compared to males, females experienced over 10 times as many incidents of violence by an intimate. On average each year, women experienced 572,032 violent victimizations at the hands of an intimate, compared to 48,983 incidents committed against men. (p. 6)

From: "Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998"

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend each year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners each year.

While women are less likely than men to be victims of violent crimes overall, women are 5 to 8 times more likely than men to be victimized by an intimate partner.

Violence by an intimate partner accounts for about 21% of violent crime experienced by women and about 2 % of the violence experienced by men.

31,260 women were murdered by an intimate from 1976-1996.

Females accounted for 39% of the hospital emergency department visits for violence-related injuries in 1994 but 84% of the persons treated for injuries inflicted by intimates.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline has received more than 700,000 calls for assistance since February 1996. Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline, December 2001

It is estimated that 503,485 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year in the United States. Source: National Institute of Justice, July 2000

Studies show that child abuse occurs in 30-60% of family violence cases that involve families with children. Source: "The overlap between child maltreatment and woman battering." J.L. Edleson, Violence Against Women, February, 1999

Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. Source: Commonwealth Fund survey, 1998

About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur after separation from batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from batterers (Barbara Hart, Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, April 1992)

Each year, medical expenses from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion. Businesses forfeit another $100 million in lost wages, sick leave, absenteeism and non-productivity. Source: Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, 3rd Edition, Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 1991.

From 1983 to 1991, the number of domestic violence reports received increased by almost 117%. Source: New York State Division of Criminal Justice Services, 1983 and 1991.

Violence is the reason stated for divorce in 22% of middle-class marriages. Source: EAP Digest November/December 1991.

Every year, domestic violence results in almost 100,000 days of hospitalizations, almost 30,000 emergency department visits, and almost 40,000 visits to a physician. Source: American Medical Association. 5 issues American Health. Chicago 1991.

Studies by the Surgeon General's office reveal that domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and cancer deaths combined. Other research has found that half of all women will experience some form of violence from their partners during marriage, and that more than one-third are battered repeatedly every year. Source: Journal of American Medical Association, 1990.

Battered women seek medical attention for injuries sustained as a consequence of domestic violence significantly more often after separation than during cohabitation; about 75% of the visits to emergency rooms by battered women occur after separation (Stark and Flitcraft, 1988).

Women who leave their batterers are at 75% greater risk of severe injury or death than those who stay. Source: Barbara Hart, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1988.

It is estimated that 25% of workplace problems such as absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of medical benefits are due to family violence. (Employee Assistance Providers/MN)

In 92% of all domestic violence incidents, crimes are committed by men against women. Source: "Violence Against Women", Bureau of Justice Statistics, U.S. Department of Justice, January, 1994.

Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. Source: "Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey", U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998.

In 1994, women separated from their spouses had a victimization rate 1 1/2 times higher than separated men, divorced men, or divorced women. Source: "Sex Differences in Violent Victimization", 1994, U.S. Department of Justice, September, 1997.

In 2003, among all female murder victims in the U.S., 30% were slain by their husbands or boyfriends. Source: Uniform Crime Reports of the U.S. 1996, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 2003 (January - June).

A child exposed to the father abusing the mother is at the strongest risk for transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next. Source: "Report of the American Psychological Association Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family", APA, 1996

Forty percent of teenage girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. Source: Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December, 1995.

Family violence costs the nation from $5 to $10 billion annually in medical expenses, police and court costs, shelters and foster care, sick leave, absenteeism, and non-productivity. Source: Medical News, American Medical Association, January, 1992.

Husbands and boyfriends commit 13,000 acts of violence against women in the workplace every year. Source: "Violence and Theft in the Workplace", U.S. Department of Justice, July, 1994.

The majority of welfare recipients have experienced domestic abuse in their adult lives and a high percentage are currently abused. Source: Trapped by Poverty, Trapped by Abuse: New Evidence Documenting the Relationship Between Domestic Violence and Welfare, The Taylor Institute, April, 1997.

One in five female high school students reports being physically or sexually abused by a dating partner. Source: Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), August 2001.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

I'm just updating.

Thank you for the advice and support everyone, reading all the replies has made me feel a bit better about things.

Everything is still really shitty, it's not getting any better and I'm a huge emotional wreck, but hopefully I can calm down and things will end up not being as terrible as they have been.

I don't know if I can leave him. I'm a weak person and I still want to be with him, for some strange reason. I don't know why. Scared of losing such a big part of my life? Not wanting to go through the stages of breaking up and never speaking again? We're just so used to eachother and all this honeysuckle that breaking free from it would be good in the long run I'm sure, but overall devastating and something I just don't want to go through.

Thanks again. It was a very low point for me the night I wrote that.

You can throw statistic all day long at someone, it's not going
to make a hill of beans..

I had plenty of people write me threads in forums ..many..many times telling me to leave.

As i stated before....I had informations and data coming out of my butt.

But informing myself was good..so that I recognize the totality of what's happening to me.

My head was in a fog and i had a hell of a time focusing to begin with...reading gave me a headache.

It's because you're in an abusive relationship cycle.
You're mentally and emotionally torn up.
As i stated before..it's as if you're in a one on one cult.

You have a high threashold for pain , until the pain
of staying gets more than the pain of leaving...you'll stay.
Even if you did break away...you'll run back, if you don't
get well.

Maybe you can take baby steps...to heal yourself.

Maybe spend a couple of hours away from the house each day.

Maybe start talking to freinds or family...

If you don't have any freinds and family to spend time with...
Just stay away from you're house for a couple of hours each day.

Maybe when you're away from your house ..you can do something
for yourself.


Wether you stay or you leave...You still need to work on yourself.

Drug ABUSE
Alcohol ABUSE

Remove the drugs and alochol from the eqation...what do you get ?

ABUSE...

Walking on eggshells and the elephant in the living room.....(A dysfunctional family.)
That's just the suger coated version.
Drugs and alcohol abuse problems are but a symtom of our deeper problems...
Our problems is PAIN. The physical, mental and emotional abuse or turama we had to lived through.

You can walk into any Alaon meeting and every member that's in that room had been ABUSED or was
on the receiving end of abuse. Praticly anyone that's ever made in those doors for the first will almost
have a break down or be in tears from all the aduse they endured or kept to themselves throughout the years.
You can find the love and support there...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_abuse
http://www.adamlawyer.com/adam/cycle_of_abuse_pcwheel.pdf

 

[Brian]

You need to leave this guy before you start developing Stockholm Syndrome, if you haven't already.

I don't know if I can leave him. I'm a weak person and I still want to be with him, for some strange reason. I don't know why.

That sounds like you might already be developing something like it.

You will never go anywhere with this guy. You will never have an enjoyable life, you will never live in your own home or have happy children or whatever you're hoping for with him. He will get more and more abusive, and that is all. One day it may end up in you dying. Then what?

He's a sorry sack of honeysuckle, the lowest of the low. He does not love you, not even a tiny bit. Get out now and move on before you can't.