Am I really unstable? stressed? what am I? feel so dead ;x

[lostinthelake]

uh where do I even start, first time i've ever done anything like this and i'm judging myself for it right now itself.

So hi, i'm 20..
have problems like every other 20yr old, dad was an ex narcotic, mom raised me and my sibling alone, she had it rough and I appreciate her allot, dad hadn't worked for more than 16 years and came over and fought allot, mom has almost no friends except for the people she works with, sometimes when i upset her she would get angry and vent her frustration out on me, i'd never get that at the time, and i'd hate her for it, but now i truly understand. I started talking to my dad again recently and things are getting better for him and I. he's working as a rehab councilor and is doing well for himself. My mom and my sibling keep teasing me for being in contact with him because before I used to be so mad at him, and just wanted to like delete him out of our lives forever. I don't blame them for being that way though, he has put my family through honeysuckle. But I feel like if I don't forgive him now I might not get the chance to and I don't have many people in my life I can afford to lose.
I have 4 close friends, we play a game together called world of Warcraft, this game is my stability, its also what glues us as a group as well. My friends know I have self esteem problems cause i'm shy by nature and a pretty nice guy, who'd give an arm and a leg for them. They keep teasing me about my skin tone and looks, but i know they don't mean harm and i suppress my feelings cause i love and appreciate them to much. When I was a kid I wasn't depressed at all, I went out played sports mingled and was social with so many people, I had girlfriends and I could be called a jerk by dating multiple girls sometimes, and then they'd hate me for it after and i'd never learn my lesson. Then as time flew by I started getting more serious in relationships and started treating a girl right, but then like karma they'd do the same thing to me.. and its only till i lost them did i seriously understand to appreciate what I had and miss it so much. I started feeling more lonely, I started dating online, to avoid hurting someone, or being a victim and getting hurt, that turned out to be even worse since I got even more heartbroken when it ended and online relationships are so hard. I got even more depressed and started crying some nights just to see where I've landed from being popular in school, to being labeled gay so much so one of my old best friends wanted nothing to do with me cause people thought we we're gay. I'm a 100% straight he and everyone knew it, but guess I became easy target as i fell down the social ladder, then we started getting poor and shifted to a studio apartment, made life for me even worse, couldn't have much of a social life when your restricted to one room u share with two people. Just all these problems balled up and I haven't dated someone in a year now cause I'm so scared and have commitment issues, I don't even have anyone to talk to cause my friends only talk about the game or their girlfriends and I have no one, nothing, sometimes I contemplated suicide, But i'm to scared to even think about it anymore. I'm a really decent guy, really nice and I know I shouldn't be feeling this way, I want to feel normal again, I have no life goals, no ambitions, I just sit and play World of Warcraft all day and try to be as normal as possible in that game, but I feel i'm pretending because I don't think I'm really okay, and I'm sad and I hope someone reads this big wall of text and can at least tell me everything's going to be okay, If I hear it enough maybe I can believe it. I swear I don't know.
I love the world, I hate my life.

 

[Badjedidude]

Welcome to the site!

 

[lostinthelake]

thanks,
I hope to help someone through these forums so I can help myself eventually. I want to be a better person.

 

[Tex Is Lost]

I read through your "big wall of text".
You've had a lot of changes in your life in a comparatively short time. And its no doubt why you're feeling the way you do.
Everything will be OK. If you let it be OK. Is everything going to change overnight? No it isn't. But it will change. Just don't make the mistake camping out in what's going on.
So keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Welcome to the forum

 

[lostinthelake]

Hey thanks for sparing the time to read through that, appreciate it. Yeah i feel like theres been so much change in my life, i'm confused where it all began and when its all going to end. I just hope by posting on these forums I didn't do something over dramatic, I've just been thinking about finding a forum like this for along time now to vent out and for someone to talk to. I want to accept that I have a problem, i guess thats the first step of moving on. I'll try my best to move forward and ty for the warm welcome. Keep in touch, I know i'll visit these forums more often now.
thank you tex seriously, thank you <3

 

[Ludvan]

Reading your life story was mind blowing to me...
I thought that I was talking to a mirror while i was reading your post.
Every single thing you mention about your life has happened to me.
The only difference is that i'm 5 years older than you and all those things happened to me 5 years ago...
I dated many girls in school i played WoW for 4 years, my girlfriend cheated on me with a guild leader, i lost my brother to drugs, i lost my job, driving license because i started to drink and drive.
And im not going to lie to you, it was really hard in the beginning. i too thought of suicide and had no expectations or life projects.
It took me 6 months to realize that no one was going to save me, and felling bad about myself wasn't going to help.
When you insert yourself in a virtual world like WoW you get addicted because there are goals and objectives, there is always people online even at late at night.
Well guess what? You need to start a check list and a goal list for your life the same way you did\do on the dailies, raids, etc... in WoW.
At the moment im doing really well (considering) i manage to finish school and got into university, im starting to get my social life back, making new friends and its getting better by the day, but keep in mind that is a constant effort, you just don't wake up and everything is better.
You need to stop being negative about yourself because no one likes to be around negative people.
You need to believe in yourself.
If you think that you CANT do something that is halfway to failure.
If you think that you CAN do something that is halfway to success.
It seems only semantics but if you really think about it you will realize that life isnt that hard and everything is possible you just need to get up in the morning and go out there to the Real World and Real Life!
At first you will feel uncomfortable to interact with real people in real life,(i know i did) i had panic attacks when i got out of my house 6 months after losing it all.
Don't be afraid of getting heartbroken, put yourself out there, show who you are.
Everybody gets heartbroken, the difference between people is the way people recover from it, you need to bounce back as fast as you can even if it means lying to yourself.
Give less importance to feelings, be rational about you and your goals, (why would you want a girlfriend if your life isnt that great? if you love someone don't drag him to your crap life...Make your life better!)
Define who you are and what you want, if you do this i promise you that you will get plenty of girls and friends wanting to be apart of your life.

 

[Tex Is Lost]

thank you tex seriously, thank you <3

Hey...no problem...it sucks when everything changes...
Its happened to me on several occasions. I've become quite adept at starting over.

 

[lostinthelake]

hey ludvan thanks for actually waking me up, after reading that i actually got excited to start a fresh and move forward, its like a jolt of lighting hit me when you said that if i think of setting goals like how i did dailies / quests / raids and i understood right there and then. I went out today with a couple of friends to a coffee shop and i felt confident not just with them, but there were 2 Russian girls sitting next to us and i actually got a number and an amazing smile and do you know how good i feel right now and its not just that i actually am not thinking about my situation that much anymore i'm looking at getting into animation, since im good at sketching, lets see how that goes. I hope it works out cause one day i'd love to shift to japan or the states and pursue it. hopefully 5 years from now i can help someone like you've inspired me. god bless.