Hello all, my name is Danny (or Dan if you will) I'm only 18 years old, but already i feel like i could never love again.
Now i bet some will see how old i am and instantly conclude i don't know what love is or haven't felt it, but i assure you i have and i have felt that love dissapear and take my soul with it.
I am here as i need help, guidance.
It started back in late 2008, on the 31st August, i had recently came out of a relationship and found myself in another...little did i know that this one would impact me so much. Her name was Christina, the most beautiful, intelligent and respectful girl i'd have ever met, she was so composed but yet wild in a deeper sense. Our love bloomed, weeks turned to months, and months turned into a year. It just sort of flew by, but now i wish i could take back all of those lost seconds and relive them, and prove to her how much i cared and loved her. Things in our lives together were going so smoothly, we loved each other so much, we made plans for our future together. We had so many great times, memories. Memories which now serve no other purpose then to stop me from sleeping, and stopping my eyes from being dry. Around September 2009, things started going wrong, i could sense it. So could she although would never admit it. She had started to become depressive, hiding things from me, not talking...and bringing up mistakes i had made in the past (which she had forgiven and moved on from) this was not the girl i fell in love with. It hurt so much knowing when i was holding her, she would barely smile now and yet whenever i saw her with other guy friends she was laughing, smiling, joking...there was no lying that inside i was being crushed. I assure you there is so much more to this story but i don't want to make this too long.
Then, the 31st December rolled along, lately her depressive state had continued...and worsened, she now accused me of saying i love you too much and not meaning it, but she could never comprehend how much i did love her and to be honest, still do. But that night, (on what i had hoped to be a fresh start into 2010 with my perfect girlfriend) We argued, it had become the norm, i just wanted her to calm down, but she didn't....she went past that line and uttered those words that will haunt me to my dying breath.
2010 i did start fresh..but not in the way i could have ever imagined. 1 year and 4 months...gone in an instant. The following weeks after, i had to have friends over everynight to keep me calm and just so i could sleep. My weight dropped from 11 stone to just under 10 from not eating, even my parents noticed how skinny i became. I was mentally unstable. I had lost her, my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate. She was gone, she left me a husk of my former self. Now here i am 24th of Feb 2011, over a year. You may think i'd be alright...but no, everyday i wake up to see her in my head and heart, hurting me with memories we shared, words we spoke... Obviously since the break up, i had tried numerous times to try and make peace with her and be friends to which in the summer of last year nearly suceeded, she nearly took me back :'( but, simply put...."other friends" got in the way....and once again contact was lost.....i messaged her, on valentines day this year, pleading one last time to try and accept me as a friend, just so my heart could remain peaceful. She responded, i had high hopes as i knew that she was a strong girl and i knew she remembers the times we had together just as well...but not with consequences. She replied...and in that message she said the words i had feared most in my whole life...."Leave me alone.." And now here i am....lost, alone, with no hope of ever speaking to the one person who ever made me feel special, so i come to you, fellow brothers and sisters who have maybe been through the same...what do i do? I must stress i did have other relationships last year, all to which i ended as my heart could NOT love again, she..my angel...was just on my mind all of the time, my heart only wants her..
Please though, do not say the same things such as "Time heals" or "Try to forget" time does not heal, it is just a bandage covering a deep wound, it won't heal, just mask it. As for forgetting...why would i come here if i could forget her just like that?
Please fellow brothers and sisters, please help me, i am crying now as i'm writing this, it's so hard. I am fed up of feeling so worthless, i'm fed up of late nights and down days, i just want to be me again :'(
Now i bet some will see how old i am and instantly conclude i don't know what love is or haven't felt it, but i assure you i have and i have felt that love dissapear and take my soul with it.
I am here as i need help, guidance.
It started back in late 2008, on the 31st August, i had recently came out of a relationship and found myself in another...little did i know that this one would impact me so much. Her name was Christina, the most beautiful, intelligent and respectful girl i'd have ever met, she was so composed but yet wild in a deeper sense. Our love bloomed, weeks turned to months, and months turned into a year. It just sort of flew by, but now i wish i could take back all of those lost seconds and relive them, and prove to her how much i cared and loved her. Things in our lives together were going so smoothly, we loved each other so much, we made plans for our future together. We had so many great times, memories. Memories which now serve no other purpose then to stop me from sleeping, and stopping my eyes from being dry. Around September 2009, things started going wrong, i could sense it. So could she although would never admit it. She had started to become depressive, hiding things from me, not talking...and bringing up mistakes i had made in the past (which she had forgiven and moved on from) this was not the girl i fell in love with. It hurt so much knowing when i was holding her, she would barely smile now and yet whenever i saw her with other guy friends she was laughing, smiling, joking...there was no lying that inside i was being crushed. I assure you there is so much more to this story but i don't want to make this too long.
Then, the 31st December rolled along, lately her depressive state had continued...and worsened, she now accused me of saying i love you too much and not meaning it, but she could never comprehend how much i did love her and to be honest, still do. But that night, (on what i had hoped to be a fresh start into 2010 with my perfect girlfriend) We argued, it had become the norm, i just wanted her to calm down, but she didn't....she went past that line and uttered those words that will haunt me to my dying breath.
2010 i did start fresh..but not in the way i could have ever imagined. 1 year and 4 months...gone in an instant. The following weeks after, i had to have friends over everynight to keep me calm and just so i could sleep. My weight dropped from 11 stone to just under 10 from not eating, even my parents noticed how skinny i became. I was mentally unstable. I had lost her, my lover, my best friend, my soul-mate. She was gone, she left me a husk of my former self. Now here i am 24th of Feb 2011, over a year. You may think i'd be alright...but no, everyday i wake up to see her in my head and heart, hurting me with memories we shared, words we spoke... Obviously since the break up, i had tried numerous times to try and make peace with her and be friends to which in the summer of last year nearly suceeded, she nearly took me back :'( but, simply put...."other friends" got in the way....and once again contact was lost.....i messaged her, on valentines day this year, pleading one last time to try and accept me as a friend, just so my heart could remain peaceful. She responded, i had high hopes as i knew that she was a strong girl and i knew she remembers the times we had together just as well...but not with consequences. She replied...and in that message she said the words i had feared most in my whole life...."Leave me alone.." And now here i am....lost, alone, with no hope of ever speaking to the one person who ever made me feel special, so i come to you, fellow brothers and sisters who have maybe been through the same...what do i do? I must stress i did have other relationships last year, all to which i ended as my heart could NOT love again, she..my angel...was just on my mind all of the time, my heart only wants her..
Please though, do not say the same things such as "Time heals" or "Try to forget" time does not heal, it is just a bandage covering a deep wound, it won't heal, just mask it. As for forgetting...why would i come here if i could forget her just like that?
Please fellow brothers and sisters, please help me, i am crying now as i'm writing this, it's so hard. I am fed up of feeling so worthless, i'm fed up of late nights and down days, i just want to be me again :'(