Here I am, lonely, miserable and feeling trapped. It feels like things are so bad this is a crisis and things will have to change, but instead the unhappiness goes on year after year. From what I've seen, a lot of the posters here can relate. For me, it's always been like this. As a child I was off by myself and frightened of others. In high school I sat by myself at lunch, until I felt so self-conscious I just started skipping lunch. Same in college, and that's when the depression hit big-time. Everywhere I looked people were having a good time, making friends, not being alone, and my life was being wasted.
After graduation (13 years ago), I moved to a new city and tried to make a new start, and failed. I took two separate martial arts for over a year each, sailing lessons, scuba, camping, etc, but evermore came out by the same door as in I went. I'm not a friend-maker. I tried going to bars a few times, which was torture getting myself to go (a lot of the time I'd chicken out at the door), and then excruciating to sit or stand there by myself not knowing what to do and hopefully being ignored (better than being stared at and people seeing what a freak I am). I went back to grad school and it was the same story. I'd see people in class and around the offices, but that's it. Over a decade of trying and hope has added up to nothing, so there's more to be miserable about.
Today is my thirty-sixth birthday, and I don't know a single person in this city. There are only two family members I can call, and talking to them only makes me feel worse because they invalidate my unhappiness. They take the line that if I wanted to change, I'd change. I must be happy the way I am. Believe me, if I really had the key, I'd have turned it twenty years ago. Sometimes the unhappiness becomes unbearable. It feels like there's a bubble inside me that's pushing outward, like I'm going to burst. I can go for long stretches where I push the pain to the side and ignore it, but eventually something will trigger a crash. It's usually some reminder that I'm so different from other people.
I've had one relationship, which was three years ago, lasted a couple of months, and was one-sided. I met her on-line, after years of trying dating websites and not getting a single meeting. I thought of this woman as my girlfriend, but I don't think she felt the same about me. It was always up to me to initiate anything, and one day she just stopped returning my calls. I think she just went out with me to pass the time until a real boyfriend turned up, and one did. Not a good ending, but not being alone really cleared up my depression. I felt so good I stopped the Prozac, and kept feeling good for about a year afterward. I'd finally turned a corner and was living life. But there was no repeat performance, it had been a fluke, and I was back to where I had been before.
To describe myself, on the old one to ten scale of attractiveness, I'd say I'm a seven. I hardly drink and have never used recreational drugs, but did inject a little anabolic steroids for a while. Now instead of weights I'm mostly into running.
These are a few elements from my story, which some people might find interesting.
After graduation (13 years ago), I moved to a new city and tried to make a new start, and failed. I took two separate martial arts for over a year each, sailing lessons, scuba, camping, etc, but evermore came out by the same door as in I went. I'm not a friend-maker. I tried going to bars a few times, which was torture getting myself to go (a lot of the time I'd chicken out at the door), and then excruciating to sit or stand there by myself not knowing what to do and hopefully being ignored (better than being stared at and people seeing what a freak I am). I went back to grad school and it was the same story. I'd see people in class and around the offices, but that's it. Over a decade of trying and hope has added up to nothing, so there's more to be miserable about.
Today is my thirty-sixth birthday, and I don't know a single person in this city. There are only two family members I can call, and talking to them only makes me feel worse because they invalidate my unhappiness. They take the line that if I wanted to change, I'd change. I must be happy the way I am. Believe me, if I really had the key, I'd have turned it twenty years ago. Sometimes the unhappiness becomes unbearable. It feels like there's a bubble inside me that's pushing outward, like I'm going to burst. I can go for long stretches where I push the pain to the side and ignore it, but eventually something will trigger a crash. It's usually some reminder that I'm so different from other people.
I've had one relationship, which was three years ago, lasted a couple of months, and was one-sided. I met her on-line, after years of trying dating websites and not getting a single meeting. I thought of this woman as my girlfriend, but I don't think she felt the same about me. It was always up to me to initiate anything, and one day she just stopped returning my calls. I think she just went out with me to pass the time until a real boyfriend turned up, and one did. Not a good ending, but not being alone really cleared up my depression. I felt so good I stopped the Prozac, and kept feeling good for about a year afterward. I'd finally turned a corner and was living life. But there was no repeat performance, it had been a fluke, and I was back to where I had been before.
To describe myself, on the old one to ten scale of attractiveness, I'd say I'm a seven. I hardly drink and have never used recreational drugs, but did inject a little anabolic steroids for a while. Now instead of weights I'm mostly into running.
These are a few elements from my story, which some people might find interesting.
