Bereavement and Questions

[jean-vic]

I recently lost my Grandmother. She and I have been tremendously close since I was born, to the point that she was a second mother in my eyes. She died a peaceful death surrounded by family. I had a moment when I last walked out of her home, knowing I wouldn't see her again, but that has been about it. I haven't cried since, and I don't think I'm showing any outward signs of grief, but I know that it has affected me.

Her death has made me question different elements of my life. Am I pursuing the right career? What is the nature of reality? A big question that has been plaguing me is my relationship. I've been with the same woman for over a year now, and it's been fine. I'm naturally a very apathetic person so don't evaluate things in terms of good and bad. Things are what they are. However, since my Nan died, I've been wondering if this is the right thing for me. There was another woman a few years back who was interested in me, but I had no confidence and never took the plunge. Now, I can't stop thinking about her and wondering whether I should contact her again. Don't get me wrong, the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt the girl I'm with, but if this isn't who I'm supposed to be with, I shouldn't maintain a lie. I have a lot of doubt over my feelings for her. I have since we got together, really, but I repressed it all. Now, it has surfaced majorly again, and I can't help but feel that I'm doing her a disservice by keeping this relationship going. That said, it would kill her if I ended it. She says I'm the love of her life, and that she'd never find someone like me again. That is one of the factors in my repression. I'm not expecting anything with that other woman because she has moved on and has a child, although she is a single mother. I'm just wondering if my Nan's death was a wake up call, or this is just some strange grief reaction that will fade.

Any advice?

 

[Serenia]

Firstly sorry for your loss. May I ask how long it has been since your Grandmother passed? I ask because I have lost close family members and sometimes your mind shuts down the grief until it feels you are ready to address it. I know that I didn't cry at all for days when I thought I would and then one little thing triggered a flood gate. If something like that happens, then just let it be and don't be hard on yourself. Make no expectations.

With regard to your girlfriend, only you know what you really want, but alot of people advocate not making big emotional decisions when you something like this has affected you. When it comes to hurting her, she thinks that it would kill her, but it might hurt her being in a one sided relationship far more in the long run. I think the other woman you should wait until you have resolved what you are going to do with your girlfriend first. It is the only fair thing to each party.

I hope my perspective helps. Keep us update.

 

[jean-vic]

Firstly sorry for your loss. May I ask how long it has been since your Grandmother passed? I ask because I have lost close family members and sometimes your mind shuts down the grief until it feels you are ready to address it. I know that I didn't cry at all for days when I thought I would and then one little thing triggered a flood gate. If something like that happens, then just let it be and don't be hard on yourself. Make no expectations.

With regard to your girlfriend, only you know what you really want, but alot of people advocate not making big emotional decisions when you something like this has affected you. When it comes to hurting her, she thinks that it would kill her, but it might hurt her being in a one sided relationship far more in the long run. I think the other woman you should wait until you have resolved what you are going to do with your girlfriend first. It is the only fair thing to each party.

I hope my perspective helps. Keep us update.

Thank you for the reply.

She died last Thursday, so it hasn't been long. I'm not naturally an emotional person, and her death was expected, so I'm wondering if I grieved before her death, had an emotional moment when I said, "Goodbye", and now I'm mostly done with crying. I don't know. All I know is that her death has triggered a lot of questions.

I don't know what I want. I'm a very indecisive person. What I do know is that this relationship is far more important to her than it is to me. She claims that she doesn't know how she'd get by without me whereas I'm not sure that losing her would be as bad for me. I just wonder if I've misinterpreted love for being in love. I'm a very flawed person, but she is flawed in much more fixable ways, such as an occasional lackadaisical approach to hygiene, and I often find myself thinking that I shouldn't have to accept those things. I've talked to her about them, but she ignores me and will slip back into her old routines. It's not attractive when someone holds your hand and you have point out that they have grubby finger nails (I'm sure this all seems tremendously shallow). However, I'm not sure anyone else would accept me as I am. Like I say, flawed. I've often caught myself wondering if she just puts up with me because she is afraid she can get no one else. That uncertainty has played a part in my thinking whenever I have doubted our relationship in the past. Hence my thinking that this encounter with mortality - my first - has acted as a wake-up call to not waste my life on something that doesn't have all of me. Again, though, when I consider how much this girl has done for me, and see how she looks at me and how much she "needs" me, I just don't know how I could ever do it to her. That's why it's important I understand the origin of these doubts.

It's a strange time...

 

[TheRealCallie]

I'm sorry about your Grandma

Personally, I don't think you should make any type of life changing decisions when you are grieving. Give it a little bit of time and if you still feel that way, then take action. Just to make sure it's what you REALLY want and it's not just the death of a close loved one that is getting to you and has you thinking that way.

It's unlikely that how you feel about your girlfriend will change, if you've doubted your feelings for a while, but I don't think you should make any rash decisions right now.

 

[ladyforsaken]

Hey jean-vic, I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone close to you can bring about a lot of realisations but it could also bring a lot of doubt to you about things in your life, especially out of the emotions you might be experiencing right now.

I agree with what Serenia & Callie said, not to make any rash decisions in this time. I feel that because you have seen someone's life ended, it might have triggered you to want to take action in life so as not to waste time or to waste anymore time dragging the relationship out any further if you're not feeling it.

Does the other woman have a family? You mentioned she has a child.. but if she has someone and is building a family, then I don't think it's a good idea to go that direction and to give yourself a chance with your current girlfriend. Maybe things will look differently after this phase of mourning passes. Sorry if this isn't helpful advice but I hope you'll find some peace during this time of mourning. *hug*

 

[jean-vic]

Thank you both for the replies.

I'm not in the habit of making rash decisions. I won't be rushing this one.

That's the thing with my relationship: I don't know what I'm feeling. Is it my natural apathy, my grief or is it the wrong relationship? I just don't know at the moment.

The other woman has a child, but no boyfriend as far as I'm aware. If she did, any action on my part would be out of the question. I'm not that sort of bloke. I look back on the way we used to be and all the obvious opportunities I missed and I can't help but feel regret that I didn't act on it. She and I don't really speak anymore. Like I said, she moved on. I thought I had, but it's obviously an attraction that has persisted. It's always bothered me that we fell out of touch, but it was never a major thing. Now, though, she's the predominant thought on my mind. I keep asking myself whether I missed my chance, and I really want to contact her and speak again, but I also don't want to do that out of respect to both her and my girlfriend. Like I said earlier, I'm almost certain nothing would happen between us, but the strength of the feelings has made me question my relationship again.

 

[BadGuy]

I think when we know a loved ones death is coming and we have time to deal with it ahead of time it does change the grieving process
I lost my father over 20 yrs ago and it does make you question things
I think we all think we can control our lives BUT it can change in a second

I wonder if you are looking for a reason to validate your feelings regarding your present girl friend

 

[dd11]

If this other woman is single, then she there is nothing wrong with trying to reconnect. However , you should end your current relationship BEFORE you take that step. Your current GF should not be your back up plan. There is nothing wrong with moving in a different direction. But, respect her and respect yourself by doing what is right by her before taking any other steps. And, what is right by her is for you to either be fully committed to her or allow her to find someone who can be. You both deserve happiness wiht partners who truly love and commit to you. However, the relationship you are thinking about pursuing may not amount to anything and you have to be prepared for that.

 

[jean-vic]

Yeah, I could be looking for validation about my feelings. I don't understand emotions well, and certainly not my own. With the lack of a normal grief response to my Nan's death, I actually questioned if I loved her as much as I always thought I had. I simply relegated that idea, but it highlights a greater problem.

I wouldn't make contact while still in a relationship. That's a dick move.

 

[BadGuy]

If you took 10 people they would all likely grieve differently
Who is to say what's is right or wrong or how long

 

[Paraiyar]

Agreed with BadGuy. Don't think there is a normal way to grieve.

 

[ladyforsaken]

If you took 10 people they would all likely grieve differently
Who is to say what's is right or wrong or how long

+1

 

[jean-vic]

Thanks, everyone. You've all been helpful. I appreciate it.

 

[stork_error]

Maybe you are actually looking to talk about your feelings and you have experienced that kind of deep communication with the other girl therefore you think you are craving the other girl but actually only craving that type of communication...

Which is actually sort of the same thing in the long run, and that would make me question "why I am with someone that i cant have certain types of communication with, who makes me feel hungry for a connection with".

I don't think its about the other girl. I think its about you realizing the one you are with is not for you and that maybe you need a different kind of person.

 

[jean-vic]

Maybe you are actually looking to talk about your feelings and you have experienced that kind of deep communication with the other girl therefore you think you are craving the other girl but actually only craving that type of communication...

Which is actually sort of the same thing in the long run, and that would make me question "why I am with someone that i cant have certain types of communication with, who makes me feel hungry for a connection with".

I don't think its about the other girl. I think its about you realizing the one you are with is not for you and that maybe you need a different kind of person.

Communication has nothing to do with it. I don't really communicate with anyone. I am able to do it here because of the anonymity.

I wholeheartedly agree that the other girl is just someone I'm projecting onto, but that highlights a deeper issue. In many ways, I'm lucky to be with the girl I'm with, but there are small niggling issues that bother me and the more they happen, the more frustrated I become. For example, my girlfriend does all the cooking, but I do the washing up afterwards. I always ask her to put hot water in the sink while we eat so that the cooking utensils are nicely soaked. Every day, no water. I've been asking her for a year now, and still nothing. It infuriates me. I've just been away for a week to the funeral, and she had no car so she had to leave the house and stay with her parents. I wasn't able to get the washing up done before I went, so she did it. I got back in the early hours of this morning to find that she'd left food in the bottom of the sink for the four days I was away. It smelled awful, and even though she got home before me, she did nothing about it. You may look at things like that as trivial and my reaction as dramatic, but I just think that I shouldn't have to live in a house that is constantly messy or has funny smells because she doesn't use her brain no matter how much I show her what to do. Imagine if we had children. Am I going to be coming home from work and running around fixing everything she did wrong throughout the day? Is she going to know that nappies go in the bin, or are they going to sit on the floor for a week and a half if I'm away? It's questions like this that bother me, and I have been close to telling her a few times that if she doesn't sort it out, I'm gone.

I've been fine all week, dealing with the funeral, not thinking about all this nonsense, but then I came home to a dirty, stinking sink and there it was again. I was so frustrated by it that I barely acknowledged her. She said, "Hello, darling." I replied, "Alright?" and went to bed. I stifle myself so as not to upset her, but I also become emotionally unavailable for a short while. Whether this bothers her, I don't know, but it's all I can do to avoid arguments. Thus, the cycle continues....

 

[BadGuy]

Maybe you are actually looking to talk about your feelings and you have experienced that kind of deep communication with the other girl therefore you think you are craving the other girl but actually only craving that type of communication...

Which is actually sort of the same thing in the long run, and that would make me question "why I am with someone that i cant have certain types of communication with, who makes me feel hungry for a connection with".

I don't think its about the other girl. I think its about you realizing the one you are with is not for you and that maybe you need a different kind of person.

Communication has nothing to do with it. I don't really communicate with anyone. I am able to do it here because of the anonymity.

I wholeheartedly agree that the other girl is just someone I'm projecting onto, but that highlights a deeper issue. In many ways, I'm lucky to be with the girl I'm with, but there are small niggling issues that bother me and the more they happen, the more frustrated I become. For example, my girlfriend does all the cooking, but I do the washing up afterwards. I always ask her to put hot water in the sink while we eat so that the cooking utensils are nicely soaked. Every day, no water. I've been asking her for a year now, and still nothing. It infuriates me. I've just been away for a week to the funeral, and she had no car so she had to leave the house and stay with her parents. I wasn't able to get the washing up done before I went, so she did it. I got back in the early hours of this morning to find that she'd left food in the bottom of the sink for the four days I was away. It smelled awful, and even though she got home before me, she did nothing about it. You may look at things like that as trivial and my reaction as dramatic, but I just think that I shouldn't have to live in a house that is constantly messy or has funny smells because she doesn't use her brain no matter how much I show her what to do. Imagine if we had children. Am I going to be coming home from work and running around fixing everything she did wrong throughout the day? Is she going to know that nappies go in the bin, or are they going to sit on the floor for a week and a half if I'm away? It's questions like this that bother me, and I have been close to telling her a few times that if she doesn't sort it out, I'm gone.

I've been fine all week, dealing with the funeral, not thinking about all this nonsense, but then I came home to a dirty, stinking sink and there it was again. I was so frustrated by it that I barely acknowledged her. She said, "Hello, darling." I replied, "Alright?" and went to bed. I stifle myself so as not to upset her, but I also become emotionally unavailable for a short while. Whether this bothers her, I don't know, but it's all I can do to avoid arguments. Thus, the cycle continues....

Nobody is perfect. .. not even your other interest ... what if your other interest doesn't cook or clean up lol
I think the best thing is open up to your current girlfriend. ... your thinking of breaking up so what do you really have to lose by talking to her ... just try to leave frustration and anger out of the conversation

 

[jean-vic]

Maybe you are actually looking to talk about your feelings and you have experienced that kind of deep communication with the other girl therefore you think you are craving the other girl but actually only craving that type of communication...

Which is actually sort of the same thing in the long run, and that would make me question "why I am with someone that i cant have certain types of communication with, who makes me feel hungry for a connection with".

I don't think its about the other girl. I think its about you realizing the one you are with is not for you and that maybe you need a different kind of person.

Communication has nothing to do with it. I don't really communicate with anyone. I am able to do it here because of the anonymity.

I wholeheartedly agree that the other girl is just someone I'm projecting onto, but that highlights a deeper issue. In many ways, I'm lucky to be with the girl I'm with, but there are small niggling issues that bother me and the more they happen, the more frustrated I become. For example, my girlfriend does all the cooking, but I do the washing up afterwards. I always ask her to put hot water in the sink while we eat so that the cooking utensils are nicely soaked. Every day, no water. I've been asking her for a year now, and still nothing. It infuriates me. I've just been away for a week to the funeral, and she had no car so she had to leave the house and stay with her parents. I wasn't able to get the washing up done before I went, so she did it. I got back in the early hours of this morning to find that she'd left food in the bottom of the sink for the four days I was away. It smelled awful, and even though she got home before me, she did nothing about it. You may look at things like that as trivial and my reaction as dramatic, but I just think that I shouldn't have to live in a house that is constantly messy or has funny smells because she doesn't use her brain no matter how much I show her what to do. Imagine if we had children. Am I going to be coming home from work and running around fixing everything she did wrong throughout the day? Is she going to know that nappies go in the bin, or are they going to sit on the floor for a week and a half if I'm away? It's questions like this that bother me, and I have been close to telling her a few times that if she doesn't sort it out, I'm gone.

I've been fine all week, dealing with the funeral, not thinking about all this nonsense, but then I came home to a dirty, stinking sink and there it was again. I was so frustrated by it that I barely acknowledged her. She said, "Hello, darling." I replied, "Alright?" and went to bed. I stifle myself so as not to upset her, but I also become emotionally unavailable for a short while. Whether this bothers her, I don't know, but it's all I can do to avoid arguments. Thus, the cycle continues....

Nobody is perfect. .. not even your other interest ... what if your other interest doesn't cook or clean up lol
I think the best thing is open up to your current girlfriend. ... your thinking of breaking up so what do you really have to lose by talking to her ... just try to leave frustration and anger out of the conversation

It'd be the same. It's common sense. If I'm shown a flaw, I work to improve it. I don't persist in my error if I know it gets frustrating. I know these are small issues, but they build.

To clarify, I'm not thinking about breaking up. I believe in working at relationships. I'm just trying to make sense of my thinking and feeling.

 

[BadGuy]

sorry
I figured if your thinking about another woman ...your also thinking about breaking up

remember ...whats important to you no matter how big or little doesnt make it important to our partner
IF we were all the same life would be pretty boring

 

[dd11]

Maybe you are actually looking to talk about your feelings and you have experienced that kind of deep communication with the other girl therefore you think you are craving the other girl but actually only craving that type of communication...

Which is actually sort of the same thing in the long run, and that would make me question "why I am with someone that i cant have certain types of communication with, who makes me feel hungry for a connection with".

I don't think its about the other girl. I think its about you realizing the one you are with is not for you and that maybe you need a different kind of person.

Communication has nothing to do with it. I don't really communicate with anyone. I am able to do it here because of the anonymity.

I wholeheartedly agree that the other girl is just someone I'm projecting onto, but that highlights a deeper issue. In many ways, I'm lucky to be with the girl I'm with, but there are small niggling issues that bother me and the more they happen, the more frustrated I become. For example, my girlfriend does all the cooking, but I do the washing up afterwards. I always ask her to put hot water in the sink while we eat so that the cooking utensils are nicely soaked. Every day, no water. I've been asking her for a year now, and still nothing. It infuriates me. I've just been away for a week to the funeral, and she had no car so she had to leave the house and stay with her parents. I wasn't able to get the washing up done before I went, so she did it. I got back in the early hours of this morning to find that she'd left food in the bottom of the sink for the four days I was away. It smelled awful, and even though she got home before me, she did nothing about it. You may look at things like that as trivial and my reaction as dramatic, but I just think that I shouldn't have to live in a house that is constantly messy or has funny smells because she doesn't use her brain no matter how much I show her what to do. Imagine if we had children. Am I going to be coming home from work and running around fixing everything she did wrong throughout the day? Is she going to know that nappies go in the bin, or are they going to sit on the floor for a week and a half if I'm away? It's questions like this that bother me, and I have been close to telling her a few times that if she doesn't sort it out, I'm gone.

I've been fine all week, dealing with the funeral, not thinking about all this nonsense, but then I came home to a dirty, stinking sink and there it was again. I was so frustrated by it that I barely acknowledged her. She said, "Hello, darling." I replied, "Alright?" and went to bed. I stifle myself so as not to upset her, but I also become emotionally unavailable for a short while. Whether this bothers her, I don't know, but it's all I can do to avoid arguments. Thus, the cycle continues....

Nobody is perfect. .. not even your other interest ... what if your other interest doesn't cook or clean up lol
I think the best thing is open up to your current girlfriend. ... your thinking of breaking up so what do you really have to lose by talking to her ... just try to leave frustration and anger out of the conversation

It'd be the same. It's common sense. If I'm shown a flaw, I work to improve it. I don't persist in my error if I know it gets frustrating. I know these are small issues, but they build.

To clarify, I'm not thinking about breaking up. I believe in working at relationships. I'm just trying to make sense of my thinking and feeling.

Well, you need to be fair to her. Having ambivilent feelings is fine for a time. But, if that continues, then you need to move on and let her move on. It isn't fair to her if you aren't all in 100%. Honestly, that is the easiest approach in life for a lot of people is to never allow themselves to be All in or fully invested. They withhold a part of themselves as a way to protect themselves perhaps. But, in my opinion, those who withhold themselves never truly live their fullest life. Either commit or move on. Living in limbo isn't fair to you or her.

And, bereavement and relationship issues are two different issues. Yes, having a death in the family often makes one face one's own life and really think about it.