Classic Family Unit no more

[MadMonkè]

I am a second generation Chinese immigrant. My parents came here when I was 3 and have worked hard to provide for the family since.

I am 30 this year, and the few relationships that I had been in did not result in my continuation of the classic chinese family unit - husband and wife with kids in a house.

Well, I've had chances but for one reason or another, things didnt work out, and increasingly, I've come to accept my possible end without having any offspring. I may even enjoy not having to deal the disappointment and heartache that I've given my parents - in fact thats my biggest fear.

Any way... My parents are none too happy about this. Even when I bring it up as a joke. They just get way more aggressive trying to hook me up with someone, anyone...

I am just too messed up right now to get involved with anyone I have to be responsible for...


Can anyone relate to this position that I am in?

What is your thinking? I am curious... am I just being a selfish coward? or a liberal free thinker? I really cannot differentiate the two right now.

Thank you,

 

[VanillaCreme]

I think you should start something with someone when you're ready. Whether you're 25 or 45, it's all about being ready. There's no point in starting anything (relationship, family, whatever) when you're not ready. I know a lot of people put a time period on things like that, but really, there's no need for a time span. You do it when you're mentally and emotionally there. Don't force it because people look at you and think you should already be doing it. They aren't you, and they have no idea how you feel.

 

[JHK]

I've said it a few times - I can't expect someone to want to stay with me when I can't stand myself. Now I'm just REALLY getting it. I won't block it if it happens but I have accepted the fact that it won't happen, I think. Love, relationship, a partner - whatever IT is.

And I agree with Vanilla. On being ready. It ******* sucks being a kid of people who weren't ready and/or never wanted you.

 

[LonesomeDay]

I'm a 2nd generation immigrant too.

My parents tried to set me up with an arranged marriage but I said no - I wanted to go to college and that's what I did.

Sometimes you've got to do what feels right at the time, and take responsibility for those actions.

It's your life.

 

[there is no hope]

I don't think it's so much cowardice or that you're a thoughtful person, but that your parents have unrealistic hopes given what the world is. I can't know about the racial/cultural element though, but I imagine given prevailing attitudes and how racist this society is it's an added kick to the balls.

I dunno, but if I were a valid person I'd forget about "love" (total crock of honeysuckle) and just hope to find a woman who is at least tolerable and not going to ruin me. I still wouldn't get anywhere most likely, because this society is not fit for raising a family, but finding a compatible woman is more luck than anything. If someone were willing to arrange meetings that makes the matter easier, truth of this society is that most pairings are arranged and socially approved before what the man or woman wants is even considered.

There are a lot of people who doubt themselves a lot more than they should, because of the false values taught by this society. For me though, there really is no hope, and I've never known anyone to suggest that I ought to do anything but keel over and die. It makes me feel a bit sick to see decent men worry about things which shouldn't matter, when I know full well that there is a better way. Then again I don't know your history or situation, and you probably know more than I do about anything.

 

[constant stranger]

I'm in my 6th decade of life and entering into a man/woman relationship for the first time in 30 years. I chose partners badly and did not know how to behave well when I was still young, so my relationships went badly back then....then I gave up for 3 decades.

And now? I'm ready again. Regrets? Yeah, I wish I'd been more courageous with more fortitude and learned how to be a good man with a woman in time to have had a life.

To stay on topic MM, if you're not ready to be responsible for continuing your clan's generations, maybe it's better to prepare yourself until you are ready.

And let's not disregard the cultural issues....China is very big and very old and very complex, coming to the USA must raise a multitude of issues.
I have some sympathies in that area: I was born and raised a third culture kid....a USA citizen born overseas and growing up in Hong Kong. I was a gweilo boy who didn't live in my own country until I was in high school. Cross cultural transplanting is complicated.....and I was a white boy.

 

[Tealeaf]

Two sides to this: If you're not in a good state of mind, it's hard to keep a relationship healthy. I don't think there's anything else to it. They're simple in theory, but spending a lot of time around someone means it takes work to stay empathetic and supportive towards each other even when things aren't good. At the same time, nobody is going to be perfect before starting a relationship or raising a family. In part it's a leap of faith and committing to working to do your best.

Even if you don't marry and have children, you still have your own family of relatives. Don't lose sight of what is in pursuit of what could be.

 

[MadMonkè]

I'm in my 6th decade of life and entering into a man/woman relationship for the first time in 30 years. I chose partners badly and did not know how to behave well when I was still young, so my relationships went badly back then....then I gave up for 3 decades.

And now? I'm ready again. Regrets? Yeah, I wish I'd been more courageous with more fortitude and learned how to be a good man with a woman in time to have had a life.

To stay on topic MM, if you're not ready to be responsible for continuing your clan's generations, maybe it's better to prepare yourself until you are ready.

And let's not disregard the cultural issues....China is very big and very old and very complex, coming to the USA must raise a multitude of issues.
I have some sympathies in that area: I was born and raised a third culture kid....a USA citizen born overseas and growing up in Hong Kong. I was a gweilo boy who didn't live in my own country until I was in high school. Cross cultural transplanting is complicated.....and I was a white boy.

HAHA Wow! thats a really cool story there, CS. thats exactly what I am talking about cross culture stuff...

The general consensus is to wait to be ready. and of course thats what I believe in too..
I mean, I've always had my ideal future family image in my mind. That I would provide my kids what I did not get when I was growing up. - but then again, in reference to your experience, life is finite vs our expectation's infinite potential... is this a situation of the great being the enemy of the good?


My childhood was good - not perfect, but nobody's is. It could be much worse...

I feel like to be a good man, one needs to have good value by going through much hardship.... but I feel like I'm going through the wrong kind of hardship - one of self sabotage and self-torment. I wish I had the wisdom to choose better...

But reaching out helps to see better.

Thank you for sharing your story

---

So I get that the general consensus is to be a cool dude before getting into a relationship/starting a family...

but let me be the devil's advocate and ask a hypothetical question; how does one become whole, without the other half?

Are we not always the best that we could be at the latest moment of our lives? I dunno what I asking exactly...
But in bringing it back to tradition, tradition may seem old fashioned and politically incorrect sometimes, but tradition has one thing going for it. The test of time... its the safe thing to do...

I just feel so terrible not doing what my parents wanted me to do... and then it turns out it was the right decision.

Anyone know what I mean? I suck at making decisions... damnit.

 

[VanillaCreme]

but let me be the devil's advocate and ask a hypothetical question; how does one become whole, without the other half?

Are we not always the best that we could be at the latest moment of our lives? I dunno what I asking exactly...
But in bringing it back to tradition, tradition may seem old fashioned and politically incorrect sometimes, but tradition has one thing going for it. The test of time... its the safe thing to do...

I just feel so terrible not doing what my parents wanted me to do... and then it turns out it was the right decision.

Anyone know what I mean? I suck at making decisions... damnit.

I don't think anyone can really answer that for you. But the moment you can relax and know that it's okay for you to be on your own, I think is the moment you'll find that inner peace. I think it's good to say many of us could chill the fresia out once in a while. So many people are so worried about tangling up and procreating, and that's fine, but it's also fine if you're not doing that. Relax and calm with yourself is good in any situation, because then you don't need validation from anyone or anything. You're fine with yourself? Everyone else is kind of forced to be as well, because no one should have that power to force you to change.