RJLJD
Well-known member
Let me preface: I'm 21, a senior in college in northeast Ohio, a sport management major, I live at home and commute to school.
I was lying in bed last night before going to sleep, thinking about my future. To me, my future is a scary thing, and it probably shouldn't be as scary as I make it out to be. I have a lot of tools. I have interests in things related to my field of study, I'm smart, get very good grades in school, and have met a few people along the way that I have no doubt would do everything they can to help me progress farther. I'm still scared though. And that's not the end of it, pretty much everything on a daily basis provides me with some form of anxiety, stress, or fear. I can't still through a class without being worried about being called on, even though I probably would be able to answer the question. I have anxiety about working in groups.
For one of my classes this week, I'm supposed to drive downtown. We're going to look at one of the local arenas and see how it gets set up for different events. This should be a fun learning experience. I'm still only focused on my nerves about driving there and back safely. I hardly ever drive myself downtown for this reason. Its dangerous, but of all the people I've dealt with I seem to be the only one with this concern (except one, which I will get to). Its like I have no confidence in myself, but I think I know at least where it partially comes from.
My mom is the biggest worrier in the world when it comes to me. I've yet to even tell her I have to drive downtown yet in 2 days because I know she'll try to convince me to weasel my way into driving the opposite direction to campus so that someone will take me. She's afraid I'll drive off a cliff or something. I refuse to do that. And that's just one example. Its simple things too. She'll ask me to retrieve something for her, but she'll have to come with me, because she's convinced I won't find it on my own. She can't even bother to try to describe it to me and let me try. Really though, she just doesn't let me take any risks at all, which means I can't teach myself to do things, and in turn, my confidence stays low, and I can't learn. Part of me thinks its so she can keep her little boy that I think she'd have a heck of a time letting go of. And I really don't mean to bash her, I love my mom, I really do, but I feel like she's stunting some of my growth as a person.
And this culture of anxiety and worry has taken me over too. Its very rare of me to think of anything that is constructive that I could do that I don't feel nervous about. Since that's the case usually I do the bare minimum. I do my work that I need to do for school (I think I do it well, by the way), whatever else I may NEED to do, and don't go any farther. My goal on a typical day is to get done what it is I need to get done as efficiently as possible so that I can sit around and play video games, listen to music, or pursue my own interests only to the point that no one other than myself and a small circle of others see them.
This is going to hurt me in the long run I'm afraid. I have ambitious plans for my future, but they're never going to get off the ground if I don't allow myself to take a chance and make my hopes come true. I'd like to work in baseball operations ultimately as a career (helping make decisions for the on-the-field aspect of professional baseball teams), or I'd like to write about sports (I've never taken a journalism class though, as I just discovered this interest not that long ago), or I'd like to try to go to grad's school as a graduate assistant. I'd like to write more music in my free time and actually share it with people. I'd like to meet a nice girl, get to know her and see where it goes from there. The problem is I fret about each step of the way so much that I stand pat and don't change anything. Baseball ops would take the time and effort of competing against so many other people, a GA would mean a job and school at the same time, meeting a girl would mean setting up dates and having plans on how to interact with her. And I'm just getting started. All of this means depending on myself and going out in the world and making the most of it, something that I'm afraid I've been held down from. Ultimately, I feel there is one very big strain that puts this all together though.
I'm just afraid to grow up.
What do you think?
I was lying in bed last night before going to sleep, thinking about my future. To me, my future is a scary thing, and it probably shouldn't be as scary as I make it out to be. I have a lot of tools. I have interests in things related to my field of study, I'm smart, get very good grades in school, and have met a few people along the way that I have no doubt would do everything they can to help me progress farther. I'm still scared though. And that's not the end of it, pretty much everything on a daily basis provides me with some form of anxiety, stress, or fear. I can't still through a class without being worried about being called on, even though I probably would be able to answer the question. I have anxiety about working in groups.
For one of my classes this week, I'm supposed to drive downtown. We're going to look at one of the local arenas and see how it gets set up for different events. This should be a fun learning experience. I'm still only focused on my nerves about driving there and back safely. I hardly ever drive myself downtown for this reason. Its dangerous, but of all the people I've dealt with I seem to be the only one with this concern (except one, which I will get to). Its like I have no confidence in myself, but I think I know at least where it partially comes from.
My mom is the biggest worrier in the world when it comes to me. I've yet to even tell her I have to drive downtown yet in 2 days because I know she'll try to convince me to weasel my way into driving the opposite direction to campus so that someone will take me. She's afraid I'll drive off a cliff or something. I refuse to do that. And that's just one example. Its simple things too. She'll ask me to retrieve something for her, but she'll have to come with me, because she's convinced I won't find it on my own. She can't even bother to try to describe it to me and let me try. Really though, she just doesn't let me take any risks at all, which means I can't teach myself to do things, and in turn, my confidence stays low, and I can't learn. Part of me thinks its so she can keep her little boy that I think she'd have a heck of a time letting go of. And I really don't mean to bash her, I love my mom, I really do, but I feel like she's stunting some of my growth as a person.
And this culture of anxiety and worry has taken me over too. Its very rare of me to think of anything that is constructive that I could do that I don't feel nervous about. Since that's the case usually I do the bare minimum. I do my work that I need to do for school (I think I do it well, by the way), whatever else I may NEED to do, and don't go any farther. My goal on a typical day is to get done what it is I need to get done as efficiently as possible so that I can sit around and play video games, listen to music, or pursue my own interests only to the point that no one other than myself and a small circle of others see them.
This is going to hurt me in the long run I'm afraid. I have ambitious plans for my future, but they're never going to get off the ground if I don't allow myself to take a chance and make my hopes come true. I'd like to work in baseball operations ultimately as a career (helping make decisions for the on-the-field aspect of professional baseball teams), or I'd like to write about sports (I've never taken a journalism class though, as I just discovered this interest not that long ago), or I'd like to try to go to grad's school as a graduate assistant. I'd like to write more music in my free time and actually share it with people. I'd like to meet a nice girl, get to know her and see where it goes from there. The problem is I fret about each step of the way so much that I stand pat and don't change anything. Baseball ops would take the time and effort of competing against so many other people, a GA would mean a job and school at the same time, meeting a girl would mean setting up dates and having plans on how to interact with her. And I'm just getting started. All of this means depending on myself and going out in the world and making the most of it, something that I'm afraid I've been held down from. Ultimately, I feel there is one very big strain that puts this all together though.
I'm just afraid to grow up.
What do you think?