Communication Sucks.

[Senamian]

To catch you up:

I denied letting anyone new in after a bad break up, because it was a "why bother, it ends the same" feeling.

Then, someone was hired where I worked, who for some reason just HAD to be drawn to me. His friend encouraged him to invite me over to hang out, and instead of saying no (like I always would...) I took a chance and said yes.

What drew me in, is the fact he actually gave a **** to TRY. I didn't communicate well. By well, I mean I didn't. At all. But he made me communicate, and would not give up until I would communicate. It's exactly what I need.

Now? Currently I am pregnant. And for the sake of the child we better as Hell learn how to communicate. It's like it was all a front. He is a great guy, don't get me wrong, but this is the one thing that causes everything to fail - especially for me.

But I would have better luck talking to a wall. I will ask him to do something, and he forgets. Then I have to nag. Blech. Feel like a ***** for nagging! And I doubt he doesn't mind it.

I have a dog currently, which I am going to have to give up. Not because it is her fault, or that I "don't have time" it's because I cannot get through to him about what he should and should not do! His ways can be a bit brutal and won't allow the dog to respect or trust him.

And it sucks to think that I really don't want any of this. Because he suddenly could care less about communicating after trying so hard to actually have me communicate... How is it going to be any different after the kid is here (Early next year)? Am I going to have to do everything myself? Somehow become superhuman?

I'm feeling overwhelmed.

 

[Garbageman]

Hang in there, I don't have any magic advice on how to have better communication, it certainly takes hard work in many cases. Just try to stay focused and calm, maybe try writing what you want to communicate to him, some people are more receptive to written communication over verbal. There is always couples therapy, it seems to work well for some people. I hope it works out for you and your family. Take care.

 

[1000lifetimes]

Feel like a ***** for nagging? At least you don't enjoy nagging/nit-picking at him.

Find out if he hates failing you (forgetting to do the things you ask him to do) as much as you hate nagging him. If its close, then poor communication isn't as bad a problem - you still need to fix it - but at least you'll know that it's worth fixing.

How did your "bad break up" relationship begin? (if you don't mind my asking) . I only ask because your comment about "he tried thus I was drawn in" - while being a refreshing romantic attitude - I hope you don't get into the habit of over-committing due to your "less talk, more walk" philosophy. Because it sounds like that approach would attract a lot of professional talkers.

I believe that talk is usually cheap, and I would hope that you don't fall for guys who are simply willing to relentlessly engage you in conversation. If all he's good at is talking, don't let him talk you into doing all the walking.

 

[Phaedron]

agree very strongly with the first sentiment "it wound end the same way" at least for me... In your case, even pregnant you have a great chance of finding a devoted guy. Be mindful of the type of guy. An eager and inexperienced guy may be overly devoted, but a guy with a good come back has learned not to be very "attached"

If one is too deep they may not be found at all, as they have learned how painful it is to become deeply attached and then lose that, so they won't be eager to trust going there again. Otherwise they learn not to be attached in which case they become players.

So... try to understand his experience level, what he's got going on, and what his expectations of a relationship are.

 

[Senamian]

Feel like a ***** for nagging? At least you don't enjoy nagging/nit-picking at him.

Find out if he hates failing you (forgetting to do the things you ask him to do) as much as you hate nagging him. If its close, then poor communication isn't as bad a problem - you still need to fix it - but at least you'll know that it's worth fixing.

How did your "bad break up" relationship begin? (if you don't mind my asking) . I only ask because your comment about "he tried thus I was drawn in" - while being a refreshing romantic attitude - I hope you don't get into the habit of over-committing due to your "less talk, more walk" philosophy. Because it sounds like that approach would attract a lot of professional talkers.

I believe that talk is usually cheap, and I would hope that you don't fall for guys who are simply willing to relentlessly engage you in conversation. If all he's good at is talking, don't let him talk you into doing all the walking.

Yeah, nagging is no fun. Not only because I feel I may be pushing people away via nagging (hence why I try so hard not to!) but it takes a lot of energy, mentally and physically, to have to nag or well... Be a *****! lol

The bad break up? Long story. This was a guy who I went to school with. I saw his pure devotion towards a girl who did not acknowledge his love, kindness and overall existence. His parents are JW's, so he was always afraid of being in a relationship because they frowned upon it.

I was working at WalMart after graduation (two years later) and deteriorating thanks to that "lovely place" (Lowest pay was barely 200.00...). He came over, waited until I was done with helping a customer and asked for my number. TBH I always cared about him. Because I saw his compassion two years before that, and knew what kind of guy he could have been.

Then the second roommate screwed me out of 400.00 (last roomie was 500.00...), and he decided to help, despite me not wanting him to. My family is very... "We help ourselves, we don't need help, because help = weakness" (which of course now I think that is ridiculous but old habits are bad habits!). We began to date, and... I had a lot of friends tell me it was a bad idea and not to do it. But silly me, I didn't see what they saw.

His had a friend. Named Miranda. We were introduced while I was at work. When I got home, he told me he had invited her over. Which did not sit well with me, as it was a NIGHT shift I was on. 9pm I got off work, and it took me 30 min. To walk home. I tried to push it aside... But when I borrowed his phone (mine died), I saw their messages to each other. Her saying that she wished she knew what it would be like to be with him, and he agreed with her. It... Hurt. And me being me, I could not bring it up. He ended up figuring it out when I left one night, and didn't tell anyone where I was. (I was at my brother's explaining everything to him....) He realized because of her... I was hurting. So he stopped being around her (I think?).

We had to move later on, and ended up moving out of town together Moving is stressful on me, especially with other stresses already there such as a few months before my sister-in-law passed away before she was 30 years old because of her disabilities (I grew up with her) and I think that was the one thing that hit the hardest. Because of all the stress I had held inside, the fact I had to give up my dogs (one of which died at 5 months old soon after, due to a brain tumor...) I was REALLY stressed/upset.

Then the last day, (1.5 weeks in the new place) he had tattooed himself, on his arm: tally marks. I asked what those were for, and he said it was for all the things he did wrong. Maybe it was his way of saying he felt we were failing at being together... But I was upset he would even think of doing such a stupid thing, permanently, to himself! Why not make it a positive thing? "what's that tally for?" "(enter positive reason here)!" Idk. But, I worded it bad, of course. Being rather... blunt.

Went to work, he delayed picking me up to go home... I began to panic because my lovely mind told me "he's gone. You drove him away." He picked me up, and I let everything out, told him how bad I felt, and that I wanted things to change for the better. Answer from him? "I moved out. Do you want to go home, or to your brother's?"

I chose my brother's (luckily unlocked). And he left. My brother was not home. My parents were not home. I had no wallet, no jacket, no way to get home (though by then I could have mindlessly walked what would be a 20 minute drive home...), no friends in town (they all went to college or moved away), and then my phone died... I would say the worst feeling then was the true cold, emptiness I felt, knowing that the fact I lack communication, and stress is my nemesis, drives people off. Especially those who I cared about.

But truly, it was waking up in tears thinking it was a dream, coming to a "save the day" realization that things MUST change... Only to turn over in the bed to realize I was neither home, nor next to anyone. -.-

I don't really remember that day, just the feelings. That's what I got, for dating a "jock" type. And well, for being me!

That was two years ago (will be in August). And I fully admit that it was not just him - it was definitely me too. Probably more me than him. He never told me, but I ended up being told via MY family how his parents told him he would never make it on his own, and with such negativity on him being independent... That he was stressed and second guessing everything because of it. -.-

That's the gist, I suppose.

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Forgot to add, after the break up the so called "best friend" of mine, was always at the same scuzzy bar/dance place called OC's. And did the whole "ugh he is annoying" texts to me, then it changed to "omfg he's such a sweetheart!" texts, then... (I'm no fool I already knew...) she says she broke it off with her fiancé. Why? Guess who, rather than what. And they are not together anyways. But she took offense to me not wanting to deal with her anymore. Why would I was such an influence like THAT, and feeling alienated, even moreso because of his "charm"?