Confused

[Estreen]

Most of you here know my situation where romance is concerned, with the long term, overseas boyfriend so I'm not going to go into great detail to explain (my apologies to anyone who doesn't know).

Yesterday we got into an argument (big surprise, like what couple doesn't fight, right?) and I ended up blocking him and I still don't wanna talk to him. I'm feeling confused, feel like I don't REALLY know him....even after 4+ years of being "together". And when I look at it....there's at least 2 more years of this to go through....He always ends up making me feel guilty or stupid or selfish when I express my worries/fears/issues with the relationship or some things he does. He's a wonderful guy overall, really. I don't mean to make him sound like some terrible huge ******* or something, but...I feel....well...unfulfilled sometimes...especially of late, but I'm stuck. There is so much I've put in that I just can't leave it, or take a break or whatever just like that. There is a lot of blood, sweat, and tears invested in this (well, minus the blood) so I can't just "up and dump him"; in fact I don't want to. But I'm thinking...wondering...if I know him as much as I think I do. I feel like he has this whole personal other life over there...and I'm just here waiting for him on the sidelines. He's said/says he hates it there (at Uni), but I snooped around on Facebook...he said to one of his friends on there that it's "Amazing there" and that she "should come up to visit" and just...what the fresia, you know? I think it's just utter bullshit. Why does he need to lie or cover up little honeysuckle like that? He says he's not really happy or having a good time in any of his pics....yet he's smiling in all of them and he's said to that, that he was just faking....my friends have looked at those pics...and they said he looks HAPPY or that in the very least he's enjoying himself, so why lie to ME??? Last year he lied to me about a concert he went to, I didn't even know he went to it until one of my best friends brought it up and I was just like...wow. My own best friend knew and I didn't. He had "accidentally forgot and slipped up" and told her sister and just didn't think about it and so never told me.

I just feel so disconnected from him. We barely talk...and long distance relationships are all ABOUT communication. All his responses are basically either "Uh huh" Uh hum" or "Mm Hmm". Now, I thought that I was just saying things that were hard to reply to so I've tried to talk about other things and ask about him, but he tends to just be quite vague about himself.

DAMNIT I'm just so confused. I'm sorry, this isn't, like, even half of it, so I probably come off as being paranoid or over-reacting to little things, but it's so hard to get it ALL out on here right now...I was shaking for so long tonight, and paced for a long time and talked/ranted to myself whilst pacing and it's almost 7 am and I still haven't slept.

There are certain things I want/need out of the relationship, and I've just been giving them up in the name of love, for "compromise", to make him happy, to not make waves, to not nag too much....but I just dunno.

Oh God, I need help.

 

[Sanal]

I am not a good comfort talker and my words are not going to make any good impact to reduce the pain but what I feel is he is paying with you and fooling you because, you are the only one he can play these naughty tricks with, so he is just acting a bit childish with you.

What you can do is, go there, I mean to his place and talk to him about this and that would clear out most issues as its a face to face talk and not an online one where you dont know what he is upto.

 

[Estreen]

It's not that easy to get over there...I don't have the money, he's up at Uni in Preston which I dunno where that is exactly, and the next time that I know for sure that he'll be home in London is in the summer again...and that's still some time away. And he could just tell me, "Okay, everything's alright" then he could go right back to doing whatever it is he's doing.

It's like this past visit in August when he was here. It was wonderful having him here, but before and after were just....bleh. I've gone back to doubting him and I'm not sure if I trust him 100% and I feel horrible for feeling that way and he says he's given me no reason to not trust him. I just dunno.

 

[Sanal]

Maybe its just that, people are a bit different when online. A person whom you meet through internet wont be the same person who in real life. Its as people say "online extrovert = real life introvert and online introvert = real life extrovert". So maybe its just his online face which has nothing to do with his real one.

 

[Estreen]

That's the thing....I need to know the "real" him. And I'm tired of everyone else seeing him one way, and I another, and not knowing for sure which one is really him. I need him to be not so "closed off" with me.

I honestly feel that his friends there know more about what's currently going on in his life than I do. Like, if I had to take a test with his friends, I'd have just about the lowest marks where that was concerned. Granted he's there and they're there, but I have to drag simple things, such as like, which days he does to school, out of him. I mean...really???

I'm very open; I tell him practically EVERYTHING. He says he likes that about me, because it means he doesn't have to guess at what I'm thinking or worry that I'm hiding something or whatever. I just wish he'd return the favor.

 

[Sanal]

Mostly the "real" person is different from the one online. When I say mostly, I mean there can also be people who has the same characters both online and in real life too. But since you have met him in real, his real self is the one which you say is good and obviously you know that his online nature is what he is 'not'. You're gonna spent a life with the 'real' him which you like and not the 'online' one coz this relationship will be taken from internet to real life 'forever' after some time. So I say stop worrying about the 'not' real behavior of your bf.

 

[Estreen]

Well is his "real" self with me, or is it when he's with his friends? Why doesn't he let me know what goes on there for the most part? Why are his trips to America to visit me not even mentioned on his Facebook, in fact *I* am not mentioned one bit, yet there's pics of tons of other girls, and "Oh, I'll be on Holiday soon so I'll be home" and whatnot. He's just so private and feels that mentioning me at all is just a way to try to draw attention and is basically saying, "Oh look at me, I'm in a relationship! Show me attention!" When I don't view it that way at all, done in moderation of course.

Maybe that's just the way he really is...but how am I to know for sure, 100%?

 

[VanillaCreme]

Estreen, I know exactly what you're talking about. I would ask him to be honest. Straight up, be honest. Tell him something like if he really cares about you and the relationship, he'd be honest with you. I do think it's odd that he's one way here, and then one way there. It's too wishy-washy. I would ask him that too. Real casual though. Don't be confrontational. Because if he's anything like what I had to deal with, I got answers by being casual, and not seemingly confrontational.

 

[Estreen]

Estreen, I know exactly what you're talking about. I would ask him to be honest. Straight up, be honest. Tell him something like if he really cares about you and the relationship, he'd be honest with you. I do think it's odd that he's one way here, and then one way there. It's too wishy-washy. I would ask him that too. Real casual though. Don't be confrontational. Because if he's anything like what I had to deal with, I got answers by being casual, and not seemingly confrontational.

Well his general response to it is that I just look for things to be unhappy about or something along those lines. And as for not telling me much, he apparently doesn't find much point to telling me these things. His defense is he's either forgetful, doesn't care much on the matter, or I'm just over-reacting.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

it's from the album "HOOKED"...

You know my story...(the short version)
I thought I knew ya...EVERYWAY
I thought I knew myself....
Come to find...
Love is blinde and I'm the loving kind


yeah...lots of years , energy, blood, sweat and tears invested.
mmm...I bled for her..I actaully did.
Yeap..I couldn't let go even if I tried.
I didn't know how to stop loving her.

Very strange...9 times out of 10...I felt like honeysuckle being around her.
I got very confused over the years..I started second guessing myself.
I started losing myself .....my morals, my standards. My values.
If I made a slight hint of wanting to talk to her about those issues,
I was made to feel or think there was something wrong with me....
I lower my expectations...but **** it just got lower and lower.
The **** Dr. Jackle and Mrs. Hyde routine or behaviors...confused the honeysuckle out of me.

When the unacceptiable becomes acceptible.
When I start accepting the unacceptible....That too is insanity.

what i don't know won't hurt me...eh ?
The more i know, the less i wanna know...
Being so confused and emotional...I couldn't make decions base off of my thoughts or my emotions.
I had a GUT Feeling (instink)....something is not right...It was always there. Blinded myself sort of speak.
In other words...living in denial. The truth is too simple...for complicated honeysuckle.

 

[Naleena]

(((((((((((((((((((Estreen))))))))))))))))))))))
Bottom line baby girl, take care of you. Look after your heart.
Do not give up what you need in a relationship to please anyone. You will only end up being resentful.

While you can negotiate some things that pertain to a relationship, you can never ever change a man or woman. They are who they are.
In which case you have two choices and you know what they are.

Last, some things that turns a man off are a woman who appears to be nagging him to do "right", or wanting to change him, or who appears not to be confident in herself. That is not to say you are these things. But it does seem like he has your emotions on a string.
Yes, maybe he is a nice guy but, is he the nice guy for you?

You mentioned having too much time invested. So many women make the mistake of holding on to something that isn't working because of the time invested. I suppose some would hold on until they die never knowing what possibility lies outside of a broken realtionship. I broke off a four year relationship and I was engaged. Never fear letting go, sweetie. Always hold the dream in yourself that you deserve to have what you need and that better is always out there.

Whatever you choice, we are here for you. Good luck.

 

[Skorian]

I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Estreen]

(((((((((((((((((((Estreen))))))))))))))))))))))
Bottom line baby girl, take care of you. Look after your heart.
Do not give up what you need in a relationship to please anyone. You will only end up being resentful.

While you can negotiate some things that pertain to a relationship, you can never ever change a man or woman. They are who they are.
In which case you have two choices and you know what they are.

Last, some things that turns a man off are a woman who appears to be nagging him to do "right", or wanting to change him, or who appears not to be confident in herself. That is not to say you are these things. But it does seem like he has your emotions on a string.
Yes, maybe he is a nice guy but, is he the nice guy for you?

You mentioned having too much time invested. So many women make the mistake of holding on to something that isn't working because of the time invested. I suppose some would hold on until they die never knowing what possibility lies outside of a broken realtionship. I broke off a four year relationship and I was engaged. Never fear letting go, sweetie. Always hold the dream in yourself that you deserve to have what you need and that better is always out there.

Whatever you choice, we are here for you. Good luck.

Your words made me smile Naleena. Thank you. I am very afraid of breaking it off, as I have broken up with him in the past, during our first year together for a few reasons: I was scared of having to handle the distance, in a way it was to avoid rejection before he could break up with me, and I was a late bloomer in the dating world and wanted to see if I was missing out kinda.

My friends always say that I am lucky or that they are a little jealous, because I have found love. While I'm happy to have found someone to love, after 4 years of internal torture of seeing him only once a year, sometimes I don't always feel so lucky, and question if he's the absolute guy for me. I am a person that needs a certain amount of attention, which is obviously lacking in this sort of relationship.

I've told him recently (in December) that I won't break up with him, when he told me he's always afraid that I'm going to dump him again. Maybe I shouldn't have said that, because I'm not sure if I can 100% guarantee that.

If you truly love someone, you can look past anything, right? Even if something really bothers you, you can overlook it because you love them for them? I bind myself to so many of these virtues/rules of the heart, that I'd feel hypocritical if I were to abandon him. I've put him on a pedestal in my life, where he is the center and focus of it for the most part. It's what pretty much drives me, and that is another fear, because I place so much in him...but I've also lost some of myself in being with him.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Estreen, I know exactly what you're talking about. I would ask him to be honest. Straight up, be honest. Tell him something like if he really cares about you and the relationship, he'd be honest with you. I do think it's odd that he's one way here, and then one way there. It's too wishy-washy. I would ask him that too. Real casual though. Don't be confrontational. Because if he's anything like what I had to deal with, I got answers by being casual, and not seemingly confrontational.

Well his general response to it is that I just look for things to be unhappy about or something along those lines. And as for not telling me much, he apparently doesn't find much point to telling me these things. His defense is he's either forgetful, doesn't care much on the matter, or I'm just over-reacting.

Estreen, I love you dearly, and never would want to see you hurt. But those who usually claim the "you're over-reacting" skit are usually doing something. Not saying he is, and I don't want to alarm you, but I'd watch out.

I agree with Naleena. Look after you. Or, what you could do is back off him. He wants you to stop "over-reacting", give him what he wants. I know it will be hard, but try it. Give him the space and spare him the "over-reactions" when you try to ask him something.

 

[Estreen]

If I give him too much space and don't talk then he gets mad too. If I block or avoid him, he gets furious like today.

He said some things that were just hurtful, though most of them weren't completely surprising (like calling me an "ass" for blocking him), but one thing just went over the line for me and it's left me confused and still a bit hurt. He told me (in anger) to go drink myself to death.

After talks kinda waned, I eventually unblocked him on MSN (we were talking at one point through an alternate AIM account he created then through MySpace mail) and he asked how I was and then started to send me the cute kissy emotes and said he wouldn't stop until I smiled, which is something he's done before to try to cheer things up, but this time I told him...I asked him why he was doing that after he said all that bad stuff and just told him that I don't know how to respond to it right now, and it's just weird after not too long ago he was telling me how ridiculous I was and how I should go drink myself to death, etc. He's apologized, and I told him his apology is accepted. I would usually say "It's ok" but it's not...so...yeah, I dunno. We're not saying much of anything to each other right now. I just feel kinda numb and not sure what I should really do.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Hmm, this is tough. Sounds like what my guy would do. Say something to him, like how if you ask him something he never tells you anything, says you're over-reacting, when really all you want is an answer, YET when you give him space, he gets mad over that too. Somewhere in his mind, there has to be an answer... That's two totally different behaviors from him.

 

[Estreen]

Hmm, this is tough. Sounds like what my guy would do. Say something to him, like how if you ask him something he never tells you anything, says you're over-reacting, when really all you want is an answer, YET when you give him space, he gets mad over that too. Somewhere in his mind, there has to be an answer... That's two totally different behaviors from him.

Well, he is a Gemini... heh Gotta love astrology jokes.

But yeah...I've talked to his mum before about some problems we were either having or had and she says that that's how he tends to be, although she's not sure how I put up with it, because she said she would not be able to. I talk to one of his best friends from home (London), whom Jason also tends to avoid at times, and he says that he can be like that as well.

Ughhh. Something needs to change. I dunno what exactly yet, but things can't keep going on like this...

 

[VanillaCreme]

Well, that's not good. You know, some times, you may need to lose someone for you to realize how important they are to you. Do you think perhaps if he had the scare of losing you because his behavior, he'd at least attempt to act right, and stop being so wishy-washy?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

If you lose yourself in the process. Without you...you have nothing.

Yeap,...un resolved issues sucks ass..
it turns into unresolved anger.
It turns into anxeity attacks...torture as you said.
You get tired ..you get confused..you get dysfuntional.

I wasted 12 years of my life on someone....to get their honeysuckle together.
I'm not gettting younger...I was a happy go luckie young man with s zest for life.
It took everything out of me....
Yeah...if you love some you soon be understand and caring. Will...fresia, it's a two way street
in a relationship. Where's the love and understanding she has for me ???
None..still to this fucken day...she can't talk and still aviod issues.
I couldn't fix her...I'm not god.
She can't give me what she dosn't have...
It rip me apart...I wish no human to have to go through that...
becuase I woke up one day after all of the stuff i lived through with her...
I hated myself so god **** much...I can't have those years back...
Many people had come and gone out of my life...becuase I was holding on to sometime special to me..
Will..fresia...it's wasn't special to her....

A relationship is not about give and take. it's about sharing....Relationing to one another.
Sharing the love we each have within ourselves first to one another.
Just like when I stand side by side with her before GOD on the Alter...
I stand on my own 2 feet as she stands on her's
I'm not standing behind her or in front of her. I'm not standing inside of her.
I'm standing by her side as another human being willing to share my love with her.

 

[Estreen]

Well, that's not good. You know, some times, you may need to lose someone for you to realize how important they are to you. Do you think perhaps if he had the scare of losing you because his behavior, he'd at least attempt to act right, and stop being so wishy-washy?

That's what happened when I had broken up with him during our first year together. Seemed the only way to get him to kinda sit up and take notice was when I'd either break up with him or talk about it. I don't like doing that though; I want him to be that way because he wants to, and not have to manipulate him.

Tonight he did make an effort to be cheerful and be affectionate but I dunno. I ended up cheering up for a bit, but after he fell asleep my mood went down a little bit.

Man I hate being emotionally dependent on someone else.