Dating sites are pointless.

[Triple Bogey]

So here's my take on the online dating thing. Now I don't know how all the dating sites work (I only tried one) but when you sign up (usually for a short trial 3 mos, 6 mos) they flood you with a bunch of "active" profiles then it slows down to a mix of active and inactive profiles (people who have stopped the online service but are still used as matches). Then active profiles again towards the end of your trial - to get you to continue the service (let's face it, it feels good to get messages or a reply. And, maybe the next person will be the "one"...). At least that is the way it seemed to me. I tried it out for 6 months, dated a guy for 3 months then called it off (turned out not to be the best of people). Then nothin' but crickets. Towards the end of the trial, two more. Went on a couple of dates with one guy - he was awesome but I wasn't physically attracted to him . Then went on a couple of dates with the other guy who I was physically attracted to but turned out to be so arrogant. Needless to say that didn't last.

So I don't think that women, in general, receive hundreds of messages - I think that guys, though they don't know it, are sending the majority of messages to women who might not be on the site any longer (I'm sure there is something in the fine print about the site retaining your information for their use). Of course, I could be completely wrong about this (though I find that it does make a bit of sense; these are businesses at the end of the day and not philanthropic institutions. What better way to ensure profit if you can control the likelihood of a continuing membership. It also helps when you can boast about the matches made in your advertising). Anyway, just my take.

The quote - he was awesome but I wasn't physically attracted to him - pretty much sums up everything !

(This isn't a dig at the OP)

 

[TheRealCallie]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and https://kovla.com/datings/us/roseville/ I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

If anyone is tempted to click the link and use the site, please be aware that the site is not known for being trustworthy and there are reviews saying the site uses bots and fake profiles.

---

No, people are very frustrated with online dating sites. They don't meet anybody in the real world so they join them, hoping to have a bit of romance and excitement in their lives. They pay good money and spend a lot of time writing their profiles and sending messages only to be disappointed time and time again. Of course they are going to be annoyed and want to write about how frustrating and soul destroying the whole experience is.

Well, yeah. Of course they will be annoyed that the interwebs aren't some magical place where they can get what they can't IRL....
I mean yeah, I can understand how it would be easier for shy people, as it's easier to get words out when you can't see a person.
However, those that go out and ask women out....well, why would online be any different?
I'm not being mean here, but clearly there's something in your demeanor or whatever that is just not attracting women. Figure out what it is and correct it. And before anyone says their problem is that they are "ugly" or "not good looking," that's not what I mean at all. Personally, I feel that people need to work on themselves before they go find someone else. This is ESPECIALLY true in those that feel they NEED a girlfriend. Getting a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a miracle cure for everything that you're going through now. You could have the same problems even when you find someone.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and https://kovla.com/datings/us/roseville/ I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

If anyone is tempted to click the link and use the site, please be aware that the site is not known for being trustworthy and there are reviews saying the site uses bots and fake profiles.

---

No, people are very frustrated with online dating sites. They don't meet anybody in the real world so they join them, hoping to have a bit of romance and excitement in their lives. They pay good money and spend a lot of time writing their profiles and sending messages only to be disappointed time and time again. Of course they are going to be annoyed and want to write about how frustrating and soul destroying the whole experience is.

Well, yeah. Of course they will be annoyed that the interwebs aren't some magical place where they can get what they can't IRL....
I mean yeah, I can understand how it would be easier for shy people, as it's easier to get words out when you can't see a person.
However, those that go out and ask women out....well, why would online be any different?
I'm not being mean here, but clearly there's something in your demeanor or whatever that is just not attracting women. Figure out what it is and correct it. And before anyone says their problem is that they are "ugly" or "not good looking," that's not what I mean at all. Personally, I feel that people need to work on themselves before they go find someone else. This is ESPECIALLY true in those that feel they NEED a girlfriend. Getting a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a miracle cure for everything that you're going through now. You could have the same problems even when you find someone.

---

I don't know who that is directed at but I agree with most of it.
Some people on here are desperately unhappy because they have nobody. I find it sad. People should enjoy their lives as much as they can. Too much emphasis is put on relationships. It should be friendships and enjoying yourself.

 

[TheRealCallie]

I love online dating) I' ve used OKCupid, Tinder and https://kovla.com/datings/us/roseville/ I don't agree that it's a scam, I think it's a lottery Yet I've no results, but I know that many people have found their soulmate. I'am hopeful of success

If anyone is tempted to click the link and use the site, please be aware that the site is not known for being trustworthy and there are reviews saying the site uses bots and fake profiles.

---

No, people are very frustrated with online dating sites. They don't meet anybody in the real world so they join them, hoping to have a bit of romance and excitement in their lives. They pay good money and spend a lot of time writing their profiles and sending messages only to be disappointed time and time again. Of course they are going to be annoyed and want to write about how frustrating and soul destroying the whole experience is.

Well, yeah. Of course they will be annoyed that the interwebs aren't some magical place where they can get what they can't IRL....
I mean yeah, I can understand how it would be easier for shy people, as it's easier to get words out when you can't see a person.
However, those that go out and ask women out....well, why would online be any different?
I'm not being mean here, but clearly there's something in your demeanor or whatever that is just not attracting women. Figure out what it is and correct it. And before anyone says their problem is that they are "ugly" or "not good looking," that's not what I mean at all. Personally, I feel that people need to work on themselves before they go find someone else. This is ESPECIALLY true in those that feel they NEED a girlfriend. Getting a girlfriend/boyfriend isn't a miracle cure for everything that you're going through now. You could have the same problems even when you find someone.

---

I don't know who that is directed at but I agree with most of it.
Some people on here are desperately unhappy because they have nobody. I find it sad. People should enjoy their lives as much as they can. Too much emphasis is put on relationships. It should be friendships and enjoying yourself.

---

Wasn't directing it at anyone in particular, just people in general.

But yeah, live for yourself, not for someone else that hasn't even come around yet.

 

[there is no hope]

People who aren't rejected for most of their life just won't get it. The only difference between them is that some know this and at least try not to aggravate the situation, while others will consciously keep people (who are in their eyes inferior) chasing after ghosts and believing in magical thinking.

It's not just about dating sites, though there is a lot of bullshit specific to that, whether the site is pay or free.
Nor is there a way for everyone (or most everyone) to be happy. This society requires a significant percentage of the population to fail at life in order to function, there is simply nothing that can be done about it. Even if society were better and the failures were better off, they'd still be failures and reminded of it. (In actuality, a failure in this society is generally worse off than they were 40 years ago, but people are deprived of any meaningful comparison and really don't know just how much has been lost, and will be lost in the forseeable future.)
Part of these mating rituals, and why society makes a big deal about sex, is because is encourages social stratification, and is a convenient button to push. Step back for a moment if it is possible, and it's possible to see that there really isn't much for sex, and people look at entirely the wrong things. The false image is just a sign of how society's value systems are damaged.

It doesn't have to be this way, but it's hard to dig out of it. The best hope I had was to just go out and meet people in spite of what this world is, but I found out that I'm too far gone, and whatever I felt in the past has been twisted into something unrecognizable that I don't want. There is nothing to do be done about that, but perhaps for someone with a valid occupation and better social standing, there would be a way out... not that there's much for it, but many educated men with decent positions in life de-value what they are. Society in general and its attitude towards labor in particular really runs people down, and ignorant people spreading the just-world fallacy contribute to that (in my view this is done consciously, deliberately, and maliciously, but maybe these people really don't get it.)

As a rule, if someone tells you that you need to "work on yourself", they're feeding you a line of bullshit and just shaming you. I can point to many human failures that manage to find women, and I don't just mean people that I think are inferior to me. Presenting women and relationships as a reward for good behavior is exactly the kind of lever I mentioned earlier, used to control and bait people into acting against their best interests (men and women both). What it does is forces someone to internalize another person's judgement, if they take the word at face value - of course, if someone ignores that advice, the person giving it has established their social superiority and commanded silence, so it's win-win. The way humans communicate on an everyday basis is filled with these sort of patterns, it's something I had to learn to pick apart in order to tolerate being around horrible people. I would hope, some day, that more people can be conscious of this and stop pushing this honeysuckle, so they can say something actually meaningful.
There are some things a man can do to improve their chances, but you cannot compromise yourself (and if you try to compromise yourself, it won't work anyway, not without heavy-duty mind control or something anyway).

For what it's worth, I'll just say again that I got a reasonable response rate when I did try dating sites, and I can assume reasonably that those responses were from actual people. The trope that women get literally hundreds of messages is fake as hell, but of course a few attention-seeking women like to prioritize this in order to present themselves as more attractive and interesting than they are. If a woman talks about that casually, to me it's a red flag.

 

[BeyondShy]

You know, I think no matter what is said about dating sites and if you think they are a good thing or a waste of time is that if they end up making a positive change in your life (meeting someone) then it's fine. It may be a tough thing to do but it has been done.

Just because it didn't work out for me does not mean it can't work for someone else. I'd rather read success stories in here than the opposite.

 

[TheRealCallie]

As a rule, if someone tells you that you need to "work on yourself", they're feeding you a line of bullshit and just shaming you. I can point to many human failures that manage to find women, and I don't just mean people that I think are inferior to me. Presenting women and relationships as a reward for good behavior is exactly the kind of lever I mentioned earlier, used to control and bait people into acting against their best interests (men and women both). What it does is forces someone to internalize another person's judgement, if they take the word at face value - of course, if someone ignores that advice, the person giving it has established their social superiority and commanded silence, so it's win-win. The way humans communicate on an everyday basis is filled with these sort of patterns, it's something I had to learn to pick apart in order to tolerate being around horrible people. I would hope, some day, that more people can be conscious of this and stop pushing this honeysuckle, so they can say something actually meaningful.

No, it's not a line of bullshit. You DO need to work on yourself. EVERYONE needs to work on honeysuckle, because EVERYONE has flaws.
But yes, when you go around complaining about how pointless it is and how ho-hum you are and how worthless you are and seeing everything negative, you definitely need to forget finding a girl/boyfriend and work on your own honeysuckle because guess what???? Even if you manage to find one, they'll only put up with so much and for so long. So yeah, WORK ON YOUR OWN honeysuckle. It's not shaming, it's more like common sense that the majority of the world refuses to acknowledge because it's easier to just ignore our own problems.

I'd like to point out that just because someone has a relationship does NOT mean it's a good relationship. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors or why people stay with other people, so stop speculating. Or wait, is it just better to have anything, so as not to be alone? That right there proves that you need to work on yourself, whether you've been alone for a few minutes or all your adult life.

Women are A REWARD now? Um, no, never have been, never will be. Women are not objects. We are people just like anyone else. We aren't bait either and it has nothing to do with working on yourself. Working on yourself is a way to ACCEPT what you can't change and change what you can, THEN you will be happier with yourself and with life. Having a positive outlook will help you find a significant other, but once you are to that point, it won't matter as much anymore.

"What other people think about you is none of your business." It's not internalizing outside judgment, it's about realizing that what a stranger says doesn't matter in the slightest because THEY DON"T KNOW YOU. It's about realizing that what a person is saying is meant to hurt you and therefore either not true or the person doesn't know you. It doesn't matter what people you don't know or people who don't like you say, it only matters what YOU think and what people that care about you think. Everything else is bullshit and not worth your consideration. As for advice provided, you can take it or leave it, that is your choice, but don't disregard something just because you think it's bullshit and it'll never work.

 

[there is no hope]

blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

I'm just going to reiterate: People who aren't rejected for most of their life just won't get it.

 

[BeyondShy]

I'm just going to reiterate: People who aren't rejected for most of their life just won't get it.

How do you know she wasn't? I'll tell you one thing, that woman has more backbone than I can ever dream of having. I wish I had her strength.

 

[there is no hope]

I'm just going to reiterate: People who aren't rejected for most of their life just won't get it.

How do you know she wasn't? I'll tell you one thing, that woman has more backbone than I can ever dream of having. I wish I had her strength.

She obviously isn't, and that is all that matters.

For what it's worth, when I just said to hell with it and did it the way I thought was best, I was a lot more successful than doing it the stupid way.
I'm too far gone to be with anyone and by now I'm too old and physically sick, but that is for things that are no longer in my power to change.
I've received shaming all of my life, and for the longest time I kept hating myself, believing myself inferior. You can believe me or not, I really don't care one way or another.

 

[BeyondShy]

She obviously isn't, and that is all that matters.

Wow, you really got her figured out!! I bet no one is more surprised than Callie herself.

You can believe me or not, I really don't care one way or another.

Ok, bye.

 

[Xpendable]

As a rule, if someone tells you that you need to "work on yourself", they're feeding you a line of bullshit and just shaming you. I can point to many human failures that manage to find women, and I don't just mean people that I think are inferior to me. Presenting women and relationships as a reward for good behavior is exactly the kind of lever I mentioned earlier, used to control and bait people into acting against their best interests (men and women both). What it does is forces someone to internalize another person's judgement, if they take the word at face value - of course, if someone ignores that advice, the person giving it has established their social superiority and commanded silence, so it's win-win. The way humans communicate on an everyday basis is filled with these sort of patterns, it's something I had to learn to pick apart in order to tolerate being around horrible people. I would hope, some day, that more people can be conscious of this and stop pushing this honeysuckle, so they can say something actually meaningful.
There are some things a man can do to improve their chances, but you cannot compromise yourself (and if you try to compromise yourself, it won't work anyway, not without heavy-duty mind control or something anyway).

Watch out, you're making too much sense.

 

[there is no hope]

As a rule, if someone tells you that you need to "work on yourself", they're feeding you a line of bullshit and just shaming you. I can point to many human failures that manage to find women, and I don't just mean people that I think are inferior to me. Presenting women and relationships as a reward for good behavior is exactly the kind of lever I mentioned earlier, used to control and bait people into acting against their best interests (men and women both). What it does is forces someone to internalize another person's judgement, if they take the word at face value - of course, if someone ignores that advice, the person giving it has established their social superiority and commanded silence, so it's win-win. The way humans communicate on an everyday basis is filled with these sort of patterns, it's something I had to learn to pick apart in order to tolerate being around horrible people. I would hope, some day, that more people can be conscious of this and stop pushing this honeysuckle, so they can say something actually meaningful.
There are some things a man can do to improve their chances, but you cannot compromise yourself (and if you try to compromise yourself, it won't work anyway, not without heavy-duty mind control or something anyway).

Watch out, you're making too much sense.

Heh, well for what it's worth, there are some serious fuckups that find love, or something like that. People worse off than me socially and mentally have found something in life, so it's not necessarily that an individual person is the problem... it rarely is, even for the most selfish people. What is unavoidable is that I can't really do anything if a woman did like me, and after so long I wouldn't even know how to begin.

Really though, I'd like to think most women don't want the frustration and don't engage in shaming men they consider inferior. It's just unfortunate because some men like us wind up drawn to abusive women, for reasons I can only speculate on. Better to just cut through BS, so you can do things that are going to be useful instead of being the audience of someone's ego-boost.

 

[Xpendable]

Heh, well for what it's worth, there are some serious fuckups that find love, or something like that. People worse off than me socially and mentally have found something in life, so it's not necessarily that an individual person is the problem...

We can't control other people's thoughts. I wish I could inject empathy into the eyes of most well adjusted people, but ain't gonna happen. I wouldn't care too much being alone if bad people got no love either. I don't care if they have bad relationships. What would most people choose? Being in a bad relationship or never have one until they die?

What is unavoidable is that I can't really do anything if a woman did like me, and after so long I wouldn't even know how to begin.

I feel the same. It's a lose lose situation.

 

[there is no hope]

For what it's worth, some reasonably well-adjusted people will say the truth about the situation, even though they don't (and can't) really empathize; that, or they just don't answer the question, which is often the best thing for them to do. A lot of what I believe now formed because I started listening to and observing people that made sense. It was tough because I grew up marginalized in school and really only talked to my family, and it was (and is) hard to actually hold a conversation with anyone about anything significant, because I suck at communicating.

I prefer to think of relationships happen out of necessity, rather as a goal in of themselves. Generally, the less I have to think about being in a relationship and all the bullshit that entails, the better it will be for both parties. Sex and children have consequences, no need to add some arbitrary bullshit on top of that. Unfortunately this society is all about the arbitrary bullshit, so no dice.

 

[TheSolitaryMan]

blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah

I'm just going to reiterate: People who aren't rejected for most of their life just won't get it.

Callie's a smart woman, and I think it's unfair to dismiss her points out-and-out like that, even if you make a few fair strides with your argument too.

And I flatly say this as someone who has been rejected for most of their life, ha

I think the depressing thing about dating sites is that they're making me feel like some kind of downtrodden unwashed heathen, begging desperately for the attention of countless indomitable Goddesses who look down upon me. I could look like Brad Pitt and still feel that way, which is beyond weird.

I consider myself an equalist/feminist, and I firmly believe that women are just equal human beings just like myself - this is just logical. No one should be put on a pedestal, male or female. So why, on dating sites, do I have to always make the first move and always work my butt off thinking of funny/cool conversations just to even get a token reply that's a sentence long? :\

IMO online dating is the one place where gender inequality in our society really gets ugly. You have all the misogynist morons who send women dickpics and then some awful self-obsessed women that won't date anyone unless they're George Clooney (but even richer).

Then you have normal people wading through the sea of fake rubbish to find someone half-decent, but they're made weary by the junk and so probably won't even reply to "The One" when they stumble on them :\

 

[wildrice]

I have to agree, those sites are pointless.
Where I live, dating websites are sites for easy hookups. I used to think that people on there are wanting a relationship. Boy was I wrong! Even reputable sites like eHarmony are following in the same foot steps. I was quite disappointed to find out that.