Dating sites - what I don't understand

[msbxa]

Rather than be upset with the people who don't send rejection letters, why not be upset with the countless guys out there who have made a difficult thing even harder? I used to send out, "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're compatible" kind of letters. Over half of the time, that provokes and interrogation or hostility from the other person. A lot of other people I know have had similar experiences.

That is a very good point. And ultimately, yes I am actually more upset with the fact that there are countless guys who create all these kinds of problems. Lies, hostility, threats, stalking, married men looking for an affair, the list goes on...
So that means if I mention a good trait of mine like I'm a gentle or honest person, no one believes it anyway because tons of guys will just say that.

About your question: What happens after you respond to emails from people who claim they want to transfer $20 million to your bank account? I'm not sure how that stuff works exactly, but if you respond to those they may: scam you completely, ask for credit card number or an "activation fee", spam your email address more, sell your email or your name to other spammers, steal your identity, or whatever else. And no, its not the same thing because for these its almost a sure thing that it is a scam. I don't see how you can compare the two really.

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Over half of the time, that provokes and interrogation or hostility from the other person. A lot of other people I know have had similar experiences.

Over half the time? Really?
If that is true, that is a shame.
If that is true, then I can proudly say that I have actually received a few replies of rejections (put in kind ways), and I usually like to send a simple reply just say something like: thanks I appreciate the reply, good luck to you too.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Gone with the days where you got to know someone inside out and liked them for who they are, nw its "nice tattoo" "nice good pay job" "nice car" "your hot'...... so let's date have sex THEN I'll get to know you.

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Nowdays everybodys mentality is about what people have got rather than what peope are..

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Not everyone is like that. That's why we have to weed through those who are superficial to get to those with heart and soul.

I agree with much of what BigJim said. Even if that attitude is bitter, if other people can be stubborn, stuck-up, too confident, etc. etc., then another can have every right to feel bitter, etc.
Hey I'll admit that I am rather bitter, about a number of things.

And you being bitter affects who? No one but you. That's why I don't understand when people are bitter. It doesn't make any sense to me. It only puts a blind over your eyes. It only makes your view of things twisted and warp. Everyone else goes on with their life, and you're just sitting there holding your boat back.

 

[ardour]

The bolded part is a problem for two reasons - one, "I may not have much" seems like you either lack confidence in what you do have, or that you really don't have much to offer (in which case you aren't going to stand out from the competition). Either way, I would leave that off. Also, when you say "I am genuine, gentle, etc." - although it is true that these are rare qualities, they don't really say anything about you because she doesn't know if they are true since anyone can say those things about themselves (again, it doesn't help you stand out from the competition).

Also, the line "You look great! You must get a lot of messages and attention." doesn't help you stand out from the crowd at all - if she's that good looking, she probably hears that from a lot of the guys that message her.

Asking questions relevant to her profile is good - and mentioning common interests at the outset is good; but to be honest with you, I would be more specific with that. I would also use the subject line with something eyecatching (using a statement with ellipses sometimes works), so it would be something like:

Subject: I couldn't help but notice...

Message: ...that you're a fitness buff like me. Have you ever run a 10k? I just ran my first one a few weeks ago, and thought it was exhilarating. I plan to do another one soon.

I also noticed that you're into [something that she mentions in her profile]. What got you into that?

Talk to you soon,
MSBXA


Having said all that, sometimes women just aren't interested for whatever reason - but I have had success at getting return messages from that kind of format.

Hope that helps.

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One other thing, I usually try to be playful in the message (but that's just me) - something like (and this is a real example) "I have to ask...what in the world were you doing wearing a coat in a nightclub? If there's one place you never need a coat it's in a club." (based on a picture she had on her profile) - it isn't really teasing her, but it's a little bit of lightheartedness, so the message doesn't seem like an interview.

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Yeah this, your message sounded unoriginal and didn't really communicate much of your personality, to be honest.

Women on these sites are probably being very specific with regard to their requirements well before they decide to 'engage' with someone, probably just to cut it down to a short list.

Think of it from their perspective; if you're continually receiving a lot of messages from strangers would you feel like replying with a polite rejection for just about every one of them? It seems like a lot of work. I would have thought not getting a reply would be par for the course and something you just have to accept.

 

[EveWasFramed]

I made a profile on one of those sites once.
Someone "winked" at me and I deleted my account, lol.

 

[WildernessWildChild]

If I made an honest profile and waited for a response I'd look like this....

 

[EveWasFramed]

*chokes laughing*

However, I'd be interested in seeing what an "honest profile" for you looked like.

 

[duff]

If I made an honest profile and waited for a response I'd look like this....

exactly !

that's why people lie !

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*chokes laughing*

However, I'd be interested in seeing what an "honest profile" for you looked like.

mine would start - I am quiet 44 year old, I don't have many friends, I live with my Dad, I've never had a relationship, I like golf, I don't drink or go out ....

 

[ardour]

If I made an honest profile and waited for a response I'd look like this....

That's why the majority of us don't join.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I wouldn't stop myself from joining one because I'd be waiting for a while... I'd stop myself because I think dating sites are utterly pointless.

 

[perfanoff]

I didn't lie about who I am, maybe I've saved some negatives and focused on my positive sides, but I didn't have big problems of finding a date..

 

[WildernessWildChild]

 

[blackdot]

I wouldn't stop myself from joining one because I'd be waiting for a while... I'd stop myself because I think dating sites are utterly pointless.

The problem though is that so far dating sites are the only place I know of to find dates, even if most people on dating sites don't date.

It's torture though. I find someone and get my hopes up. I send a message and can't wait for a response. I turn off my e-mail and go to bed. I keep putting off reading it for 1-3 days. Each hour I feel worse and worse. I want to check my e-mail but I already know I won't have a response back. Finally I get the nerve up. I take some sleeping medicine, wait for it to kick in, and then open my e-mail only to see nothing but spam. I get depressed and fall asleep.

When I do get a response, I feel amazing happy. Unfortunately I have finally hit the age where I won't get any more responses back. But I keep trying. Knowing that I'll just continue to be hurt by empty e-mail.

 

[nerdygirl]

About your question: What happens after you respond to emails from people who claim they want to transfer $20 million to your bank account? I'm not sure how that stuff works exactly, but if you respond to those they may: scam you completely, ask for credit card number or an "activation fee", spam your email address more, sell your email or your name to other spammers, steal your identity, or whatever else. And no, its not the same thing because for these its almost a sure thing that it is a scam. I don't see how you can compare the two really.

Actually, I asked what happens when you respond to those emails. You really have to, if we're going by the rule that all letters deserve responses.

It's quite easy to compare the two. They are emails that do not interest you. The sender probably has nothing you want- but they have the potential to make you unhappy, even if all you say is, "Thanks, but no thanks."

However, I'm a reasonable gal. Let's look at it this way: Imagine a woman walks down the street. She passes a bar, and several patrons start trying to pick her up. Is she obligated to converse with them all simply because one of them is a nice guy who admired the book she was carrying instead of her boobs?

Over half of the time, that provokes an interrogation or hostility from the other person. A lot of other people I know have had similar experiences.

Over half the time? Really?
If that is true, that is a shame.
If that is true, then I can proudly say that I have actually received a few replies of rejections (put in kind ways), and I usually like to send a simple reply just say something like: thanks I appreciate the reply, good luck to you too.

Yes. Really. It is true, it is a shame; it is true, and good for you.

 

[duff]

I wouldn't stop myself from joining one because I'd be waiting for a while... I'd stop myself because I think dating sites are utterly pointless.

The problem though is that so far dating sites are the only place I know of to find dates, even if most people on dating sites don't date.

It's torture though. I find someone and get my hopes up. I send a message and can't wait for a response. I turn off my e-mail and go to bed. I keep putting off reading it for 1-3 days. Each hour I feel worse and worse. I want to check my e-mail but I already know I won't have a response back. Finally I get the nerve up. I take some sleeping medicine, wait for it to kick in, and then open my e-mail only to see nothing but spam. I get depressed and fall asleep.

When I do get a response, I feel amazing happy. Unfortunately I have finally hit the age where I won't get any more responses back. But I keep trying. Knowing that I'll just continue to be hurt by empty e-mail.

it sounds like it means too much to you !
You shouldn't be feeling or acting like this !

You need to get to the stage where it doesn't mean so much. You shouldn't care whether you get a reply or not.

The less you care, the more success you will probably get !

 

[blackdot]

it sounds like it means too much to you !
You shouldn't be feeling or acting like this !

You need to get to the stage where it doesn't mean so much. You shouldn't care whether you get a reply or not.

The less you care, the more success you will probably get !

dating someone means everything to me right now. it's the last goal left in life. it's getting worse now that I'm running out of time to find someone (technically I've already run out of time obviously but I hoping that's not the case.)

I'll never get to the stage where it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I used to be that way but not anymore. Success didn't happen when I didn't care. Success so far isn't happening when I do care.

 

[duff]

it sounds like it means too much to you !
You shouldn't be feeling or acting like this !

You need to get to the stage where it doesn't mean so much. You shouldn't care whether you get a reply or not.

The less you care, the more success you will probably get !

dating someone means everything to me right now. it's the last goal left in life. it's getting worse now that I'm running out of time to find someone (technically I've already run out of time obviously but I hoping that's not the case.)

I'll never get to the stage where it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I used to be that way but not anymore. Success didn't happen when I didn't care. Success so far isn't happening when I do care.

yes but you've got to admit your current attitude isn't helping you.

You don't sound very happy. Why put yourself thru it ?

What is so great about having a woman in your life ?

 

[Littlesecret]

Hmm.. It's strange because why would you want a reply from someone who is rude enough to ignore you, I think that shows a certain character in a person and wouldn't you prefer someone polite?

I don't think you should second quess yourself all the time, you know who you are and you know what you want. All you need is the time to find it.

P.s maybe that girl just deleted her account.

 

[duff]

it's simple really. If you don't like dating sites, don't use them !

 

[9006]

it's simple really. If you don't like dating sites, don't use them !

Some people like to discuss it before they stop using them, haha.

 

[VanillaCreme]

I wouldn't stop myself from joining one because I'd be waiting for a while... I'd stop myself because I think dating sites are utterly pointless.

The problem though is that so far dating sites are the only place I know of to find dates, even if most people on dating sites don't date.

It's torture though. I find someone and get my hopes up. I send a message and can't wait for a response. I turn off my e-mail and go to bed. I keep putting off reading it for 1-3 days. Each hour I feel worse and worse. I want to check my e-mail but I already know I won't have a response back. Finally I get the nerve up. I take some sleeping medicine, wait for it to kick in, and then open my e-mail only to see nothing but spam. I get depressed and fall asleep.

When I do get a response, I feel amazing happy. Unfortunately I have finally hit the age where I won't get any more responses back. But I keep trying. Knowing that I'll just continue to be hurt by empty e-mail.

it sounds like it means too much to you !
You shouldn't be feeling or acting like this !

You need to get to the stage where it doesn't mean so much. You shouldn't care whether you get a reply or not.

The less you care, the more success you will probably get !

Yeah, Duff, I was thinking the same as I read his post. I'm sorry, but that's entirely way too much care put into one of these things. I don't mean to hurt your feelings with saying this, but I honestly think you're wasting your time. Too much time and too much effort put into something that shouldn't matter that much, and you've gotten little success out of it? I wouldn't even bother anymore.