Dealing with rumours

[ardour]

Okay, not sure why anyone should care, but some time ago I posted a topic (“called a creep at my workplace”) about this.. person here. Since then things have snowballed and it seems I’m the subject of a rather nasty rumour campaign characterizing me as the archetypal threatening male who harasses women. I have supposedly harassed her friend after shifting into her former department, even though the ‘harassment’ of said friend consisted of half a dozen fumbled attempts at conversation over 5 months, plus a friend request to her facebook account (God knows why she accepted it, I deleted myself from her profile after it became clear how upset she was)

A friend and colleague of two years just deleted me after becoming close with the person spreading the rumours. Obviously they are pals now. I’m wondering who’s next around here. Worse, the instigator is enrolled in the same qualification and in the same classes as me! I can’t seem to get away from her or her influence.

Some context; I wasn’t particularly friendly when she started, not responding well to hellos and so on. It wasn’t personal, a family member had died and I couldn’t handle getting to know anyone new, but now she permanently has it in for me. Result: a clique of 4 women revolving around her, who gossip about me as if I were some sort of predator. They make a big deal of avoiding me even though I’m hardly ever around, and they aren’t going anywhere soon. In a few years they could be in management roles. Aside from confiding in a couple of friends, I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Guess I should be happy I have a job at all.

I’m sure a few people will say I must have done something for this to have happened. Go for it, sometimes I think that too.

 

[jaguarundi]

Do you have an HR function at your workplace?

If so go and see them. Explain that you believe miscommunication has occurred between you and this woman, that it is having a negative impact on your work and that you want to sort it out, but are afraid that if you approach her it will make things worse.

Ask them for advice and/or their mediation to sit down with her and resolve it.

Hopefully it will resolve it. You may find out what she perceived to be wrong in your behaviour.. You will need to brace yourself and take it on board if it is at all relevant. It could be something you do not intend to do, dont realise you are doing and could fix. Or she could just be a twat. But you will at least know, yes?

If it doesn't resolve anything with her, you will have shown you are mature, acknowledged that there is a problem and taken appropriate steps to resolve it. Which will make you look better than her to management. But that is not the goal here, the goal is resolution, and learning.

Edit: Just adding this - in dealings with HR, or Management, the note you want to strike - preferably because you actually believe it - it this:-

There is a problem
You want to fix it
You are open to the possibility that you have contributed to the problem, without meaning to.
If so, what do you need to do, so you can avoid it happening again.

Obviously, what you don't want to do is strike a 'those nasty girls are picking on little old innocent me' note.

 

[Case]

First of all, no one deserves to be treated this way. I am sorry you're having to deal with this.

It would seem that since her first impression of you was less-than-stellar, she immediately put you on her honeysuckle list. I would call that unfortunate timing, but it seems like you tried to mend fences afterwards. I think you did what you could to be friendly after the initial awkwardness, but now, I'd call her behavior hostile and inappropriate.

I agree with Jag in talking with HR to arrange for possible mediation. Your work-life has become untenable, and you need resolution in this matter.

 

[ardour]

Do you have an HR function at your workplace?

If so go and see them. Explain that you believe miscommunication has occurred between you and this woman, that it is having a negative impact on your work and that you want to sort it out, but are afraid that if you approach her it will make things worse.

Ask them for advice and/or their mediation to sit down with her and resolve it.

Hopefully it will resolve it. You may find out what she perceived to be wrong in your behaviour.. You will need to brace yourself and take it on board if it is at all relevant. It could be something you do not intend to do, dont realise you are doing and could fix. Or she could just be a twat. But you will at least know, yes?

Yes we do have an HR department, but morale aside, I'd rather not to be honest. I'd take it to HR if it started to affect my job opportunities, for example if women in other departments got wind of this and didn't want me around. But it's not at that point yet, so bringing attention to what is essentially a personal matter between them and myself makes me look like the twat, or worse someone who is bitter, who can't handle a few people not liking him.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Yes we do have an HR department, but morale aside, I'd rather not to be honest. I'd take it to HR if it started to affect my job opportunities, for example if women in other departments got wind of this and didn't want me around. But it's not at that point yet, so bringing attention to what is essentially a personal matter between them and myself makes me look like the twat, or worse someone who is bitter, who can't handle a few people not liking him.

I think you might want to reconsider that decision, ardour. Sometimes, and without even realizing it or doing it on purpose, people can develop that "pack" mentality in the work place.
It's not about you being bitter or not handling that someone doesn't like you. It's about warding off an issue before it gets started good. I think if you approach it in the manner that Jag suggested, you would be fine. It will come across that you feel there was a potential misunderstanding and you'd like to clarify things before it becomes a serious issue for anyone involved. Also, even if they don't think there's anything to "handle" at least they will be aware that you did your part to keep the peace.

 

[Regumika]

I agree with Jag and Eve.

You could always go the [happy] route too. "Love your enemies, it pisses them off."

 

[Triple Bogey]

You could try talking to them, ask them what's the problem ? Then defend yourself, say you have done nothing wrong.
I've had loads of arguments / issues at work. Always best to talk about it, 'front them out'
It soon gets forgotten about.

 

[jaguarundi]

When I gave the OP the advice further above I was doing it absolutely with my former-manager-and-mentor hat on.

I think I made it pretty clear that I certainly don't think you should go to HR with a whiney, people don't like me attitude.

The fact is, this is causing an uncomfortable situation for you. It also appears to be escalating, in that other women may (you don't know it for a fact) be looking at you oddly. There is a chance that all this may cause you further aggravation, even that these people themselves may encourage one of them to escalate it to management.

If that happens you will undoubtedly be caught on the hop. If you do it, with the attitude I advised, you won't be. You will be the concerned employee wanting to sort out an uncomfortable situation. Not the harassing weirdo that someone has had to report to management...

Also, and I stress this once again, as I would as a manager. I do not know the other side of the story. This woman may have over reacted or imagined something, but if there IS anything at all in your behaviour, however unconscious it might be, that might be construed badly by someone, then it would be invaluable to you to know what it is so you can do something about it. Not just in relation to work, but in relation to any dealings you have with women.

What I am advising may not be easy for you. But it could be a great opportunity to learn, and certainly to learn how to deal with, rather than merely try and hide from, a difficult situation.

 

[Edward W]

Yes we do have an HR department, but morale aside, I'd rather not to be honest. I'd take it to HR if it started to affect my job opportunities, for example if women in other departments got wind of this and didn't want me around. But it's not at that point yet, so bringing attention to what is essentially a personal matter between them and myself makes me look like the twat, or worse someone who is bitter, who can't handle a few people not liking him.

I agree with the advise on here and suggest you should get something on the record now just in case this does ever build up into something nastier.

 

[ardour]

I think I made it pretty clear that I certainly don't think you should go to HR with a whiney, people don't like me attitude.

The fact is, this is causing an uncomfortable situation for you. It also appears to be escalating, in that other women may (you don't know it for a fact) be looking at you oddly. There is a chance that all this may cause you further aggravation, even that these people themselves may encourage one of them to escalate it to management.

If that happens you will undoubtedly be caught on the hop. If you do it, with the attitude I advised, you won't be. You will be the concerned employee wanting to sort out an uncomfortable situation. Not the harassing weirdo that someone has had to report to management...

Also, and I stress this once again, as I would as a manager. I do not know the other side of the story. This woman may have over reacted or imagined something, but if there IS anything at all in your behaviour, however unconscious it might be, that might be construed badly by someone, then it would be invaluable to you to know what it is so you can do something about it. Not just in relation to work, but in relation to any dealings you have with women.

There are aspects of my behaviour in regard to mannerisms and communication style that could be taken badly. I'm extremely awkward at times, exacerbated by anxiety (that's been getting worse.) It's usually not problem with the few real friends I have, but clearly it has been with others. I haven't done anything that could be construed as harassment though, so I resent the implication. This person has a major Queen Bee mentality and there's been quite a change in atmosphere in the place because of her.

Putting my side on record might be an idea, but I'd prefer they didn't contact 'them' about it for now.

 

[jaguarundi]

You must do as you think best. I hope for your sake that it doesn't get any worse for you.

 

[ardour]

You must do as you think best. I hope for your sake that it doesn't get any worse for you.

You may think me a coward for not being willing to address this head on, but no matter how it's put to the people concerned, it could just look like an attention seeking ploy and raise suspicions about me. This someone is approaching 30 and her and a another friend swap notes in class, giggling and so on as if they were still in school. I forgot to mention that I did attempt an awkward apology at the beginning of the year, but things quickly reverted back to how they were (the friend I supposedly bothered must have re-affirmed the negative ideas around me.) It seems like it's well past the point of any reconciliation here.

 

[jaguarundi]

I was going to say that you must have a yellow streak a mile wide down your back, but then I thought better of it as no doubt you would think I actually mean it

No I understand that you are concerned about making the situation worse. I also would say that the situation is likely to be past your ability to sort out on your own. Given that this woman/her pals seem to be suggesting you have harassed her, further attempts by you to speak to her/them might only feed into this, to your disadvantage.

Hence my view that a third person, a neutral person such as an HR person, would need to be involved, and that you would need to say that you are concerned, as you certainly did not intend it, and that you want to sort it out. And all the other advice I gave, basically.

As an alternative to HR, perhaps a manager/supervisor that you trust in your organisation and could talk to to about all this. It is possible of course that management know these women are a pain and would be reassuring to you in any case.

 

[TheSkaFish]

ardour, I think that if you don't want to go to HR about this, you should try a different approach. If they say you are acting a certain way, in this case creepy, then act the opposite. This will show everyone else that these people are just haters. Someone who doesn't know the situation and doesn't have any bias would say, no, that ardour guy isn't a creep, I don't know what you're talking about. You know. Be nice, be friendly. This shows everyone else that it's them who have a problem, not you.

Don't apologize to these people who are being mean to you though, because they've made it clear that they don't want an apology from you. They are bullies, they are haters. They are looking for someone or something to look down on, because like you said - they are immature and that's what immature people do. And you, to them, should just act like a rock star or James Bond or some other kind of hero. Just don't give them time of day. Be "whatever" to them, let them talk their nonsense, it doesn't matter. They're nobody of consequence. And keep going about your day. I've noticed that people who spread rumors and gang up on others really don't have a lot going for them and really aren't all that smart either - they just do things to get a reaction. Don't give them the reaction. Treat them like they don't exist.

 

[9006]

I think rumors are really annoying, quite often the problem seems to get worse as the rumors change and get warped. I surely wish people would have decent sense to understand that rumors are not facts, yet that's exactly what they're treated like. The BEST way to deal with such things are to simply ignore and not respond to them or the people they're involved with (by involved, I mean carried by). This may seem like such a cliche but it really is effective, since people of this nature who thrive on rumors and gossip soon get bored or shift their attention to some other juicy information.

 

[Grackle]

I have dealt with a load of rumours about me, nothing as bad as what you are talking about. I dealt with it first by doing as Jag suggested, go to management and I just advised them that i knew what was being said, because it was an attack that was centred on how I did my job, and then I did as 9006 suggested, just ignored it. That was hard but tried as best I could to show their words meant nothing to me. Acted like I was shrugging my shoulders at it all. Deep inside it hurt like hell but you can't let anyone know that.
So the rumours that were a personal attack, I completely ignored but the rumours that touched on my work performance I felt the need to talk to management just to let them know it was indeed a rumour, and then I ignored them.

 

[ardour]

I have dealt with a load of rumours about me, nothing as bad as what you are talking about.

Being viewed as a potential stalker/creep, as sexual in nature, has more serious implications than other types of rumours, however hurtful they may be.

For instance I'm willing to bet many people reading this topic would have an underlying suspicion that there’s something amiss here, something I’m not being honest about.

There’s the sudden deletion from someone I was on good terms with, which confirmed what I already thought was happening. She made jokes about the lame profile pics I put up until recently, but now I’m “not a close friend” amongst the 150 who apparently are.

 

[RockerChick]

Edit: Just adding this - in dealings with HR, or Management, the note you want to strike - preferably because you actually believe it - it this:-

There is a problem
You want to fix it
You are open to the possibility that you have contributed to the problem, without meaning to.
If so, what do you need to do, so you can avoid it happening again.

Obviously, what you don't want to do is strike a 'those nasty girls are picking on little old innocent me' note.

Spent a little time in HR, jaguarundi?

LOL kidding!


Great advice and great attitude to take into their. HR would appreciate that.