Warning: this post is going to consist largely of me complaining. If you don't want to read that, then go somewhere else.
I just joined ALL, so I don't really know the general mental health demographics here, but I would assume that there are a fair number of severely depressed people. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but here I go. For those of you who didn't read my introductory post, I am severely depressed to the point where I feel like I have nothing left to live for. Neither any of my four therapists nor any of the five combinations of medication I've tried have really worked for me. Activities and hobbies that I used to find interesting now cannot hold my attention for more than a few minutes, and my life has essentially been smashed to pieces.
I used to be proud of who I was. I was, I thought, one of the most intelligent and empathetic people I knew. Now the only self-assessment that I can make is that I'm a worthless loser. I spend hours every day trying to tackle my feelings from every angle inside my head, like some sort of deranged mental game of football. But no matter which way I throw the ball, there's always an enemy player waiting there to intercept it. I hate football, by the way. I've told myself several times before that "I'm going to turn my life around, starting now." That philosophy has never lived more than twenty-four hours.
Then I looked to other people for help. I have a number of friends and a loving family, but I've never felt so lonely in my life. None of them truly know what it's like. And I can't blame them. When I first learned about depression, I thought I understood it. I know now that, like eating liquid chocolate chip cookies, it's not something you can understand unless you experience it. I know of nothing so humiliating, so despair-inducing, so soul-crushing as depression. I never appreciated how lucky I was to be happy, and now it's too late. In the last twelve months of depression, I have seen nothing comparable except one game. The game, called DepressionQuest, is free on Steam and is also the game that sparked that horrible tangle of misogyny and testosterone known as #GamerGate. It's the only thing I've ever found that's analogous to actually experiencing depression, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone whose friends or relatives suffer from the illness.
Why am I typing all this? I don't know. Maybe it's because I need to write it all down to understand it myself. Maybe it's because I want to see if there's anyone else out there who feels like this. Maybe it's because I just want to leave something behind in case I ever do decide to kill myself. It's definitely easier to do it here on the internet, under cover of anonymity. I may continue to edit this if I think of anything else I need to add. Anyway, back to sitting around staring at the wall.
I just joined ALL, so I don't really know the general mental health demographics here, but I would assume that there are a fair number of severely depressed people. I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but here I go. For those of you who didn't read my introductory post, I am severely depressed to the point where I feel like I have nothing left to live for. Neither any of my four therapists nor any of the five combinations of medication I've tried have really worked for me. Activities and hobbies that I used to find interesting now cannot hold my attention for more than a few minutes, and my life has essentially been smashed to pieces.
I used to be proud of who I was. I was, I thought, one of the most intelligent and empathetic people I knew. Now the only self-assessment that I can make is that I'm a worthless loser. I spend hours every day trying to tackle my feelings from every angle inside my head, like some sort of deranged mental game of football. But no matter which way I throw the ball, there's always an enemy player waiting there to intercept it. I hate football, by the way. I've told myself several times before that "I'm going to turn my life around, starting now." That philosophy has never lived more than twenty-four hours.
Then I looked to other people for help. I have a number of friends and a loving family, but I've never felt so lonely in my life. None of them truly know what it's like. And I can't blame them. When I first learned about depression, I thought I understood it. I know now that, like eating liquid chocolate chip cookies, it's not something you can understand unless you experience it. I know of nothing so humiliating, so despair-inducing, so soul-crushing as depression. I never appreciated how lucky I was to be happy, and now it's too late. In the last twelve months of depression, I have seen nothing comparable except one game. The game, called DepressionQuest, is free on Steam and is also the game that sparked that horrible tangle of misogyny and testosterone known as #GamerGate. It's the only thing I've ever found that's analogous to actually experiencing depression, and I'd definitely recommend it to anyone whose friends or relatives suffer from the illness.
Why am I typing all this? I don't know. Maybe it's because I need to write it all down to understand it myself. Maybe it's because I want to see if there's anyone else out there who feels like this. Maybe it's because I just want to leave something behind in case I ever do decide to kill myself. It's definitely easier to do it here on the internet, under cover of anonymity. I may continue to edit this if I think of anything else I need to add. Anyway, back to sitting around staring at the wall.