Depression, self harming and my story

[Erevetot]

I suppose this is easy for me to say because it's actually what I do, but you have to take a step back and think about things. Know what you're going to do before you do it. If you feel yourself wanting to argue, or if you're already in an argument, just stop. Take a deep breath, and think for a moment.

I do this now, but I didn't always. I would jump at an argument the first chance I got. But now I just think to myself, "Is this really worth arguing about?" or I wonder if it's really beneficial to anyone (not just me) to try and solidify my ideas. When I talk to people who are too stubborn to realize anything else but their own thoughts, I just let them go. Especially over little things or things that don't have anything to do with me.

It's not that I'm tired of arguing, I'm just tired of putting up with some of the attitudes that some people have when someone's just trying to help them out a little bit. I've had that thrown at me one too many times, and I'm tired of dealing with it. So I let things go.

For things like interviews and such, I'm all for that. I think it's because my organizational skills are very good, and I like being prepared for things. My mom has always called me a secretary.

thank you for the advice, it helps me see that im actually having progress

cause im now doing it, im thinking before doing or saying anything if i feel emotionaly unstable, and im trying my hardest to control it.

thing is , i never said or did anything offensive or started an argument or even argued. but it was to a stubborn person. im not gonna say more, other than that the incident i mentioned was me saying "i dont feel so good today, im sorry if im being a burden and ruining your mood" after we were both busy for 3 days and finaly got time for each other and i was not in a good and happy mood. she got mad, as "im causing drama and she cant take it" and yeah.

and i never get mad on anyone other than me anymore. and if i do, i dont act on it, a calm mysel and in 5 minutes i remember how important the person is to me, and that being mad over silly things is unneeded.
i forgive people, unless its a huge betrayal

---

It sounds like you could change. You're just scared of the unknown.

Is that right?

i really dont know. I think, im more scared of feeling happy and then getting hurt and go back in the pain again. I think, that that's what's stopping me, the fact that im so used to feel bad, so im scared to get "uncomfortable" with it, and then get back in it

but these are words that i say to myself everyday. that that's life, you have your good and bad moments. and thats how i kept myself here the last weeks, by keep saying the same thing over and over until i believe it

You know, this may sound silly but I think it's awesome you can even feel happiness at all. You have that option. Other people might not.

That gives me hope for you.

im trying to feel happy, im not feeling happy :/ it just feels that any moment i feel a bit emotionally better, and i get hopes that i can have some progress, i get screwed, like a part of me knows that it's a step towards happiness and is too scared to face it

 

[Erevetot]

i dont care if anyone reads or replies to this, i really need to vent off so im posting it here isntead of making another tread etc

for 1 week now i was "ok". i was not fine, but i was trying to balance my emotions. i didnt make it, but i was trying. and today it just hit me. its not working.
today i feel like honeysuckle. i realized how bad i am, and no matter how much i lie to myself, nothing is going well. my health is getting worse, there is no chance ill pass the classes i need in uni, i got denied from all 3 jobs i applied. and on top of that, im lonely. ive been for 7-8 years now. i cant let anyone in my life, the 4 people i did, all betrayed me, hurt me and left me. and i didnt let them in, they forced themselves in my life, but i loved them. not only romanticaly, i mean good friends too.
i cant connect with anyone, im completely alone and lonely. i feel empty. and i dont know how to change it. it's not that I dont let people in my life on purpose, myself and my mind dont wanna do it.
they just dont let me love/care about anyone. i cant explain it.
i need love, i need affection, but i dont let me get it. e.g. there is a girl i know for years that told me she is in love with me 2 days ago. Normaly, i'd be with her, she's great and i have fun with her, i'd give it a try. but i felt nothing. at first i thought it was because i may still got feelings for my ex, but that's not it. it's me, something in me is broken. this post is not about relationships etc, its about me being so broken that i cant control my feelings, that i dont even know what i feel, if i feel anything.

i let myself cry, see if that helps, it didnt, neither did cutting myself, getting drunk, going for a walk, taking a long shower, going out with a friend, reading books, watching tv or trying to sleep and hope i wake up better.


i just wish that friday night in the 24th of october, i wouldnt get back in my room to grab my lighter. i wish i would have stayed on the balcony and went through with my plan. it'd have been so much better