Difficult parents

[duff]

My Dad is 72 and My Mam is 70. She moved out in 1987 when she divorced my Dad. I've always kept in touch with her, going to see her once a week. I live with my Dad, it's just me and him.

All he does is moan and complain about everything ! It's hard to explain, but when I come in from work he will be either on the x box shouting at the screen complaining about the game or watching the television moaning about what is on. He usually watches sport and he calls the fresia out of anybody English. Football teams, cricket, golf, tennis. He is incredibly pessimistic, before every game he predicts 'our team' will lose. He goes to the shops, call fresia out of the shop, every advert on the TV, he says 'that's a pile of honeysuckle' and goes on this rant. He is bitter, cynical, can be nasty and at times it is so depressing being around him. We go and play golf and he moans all the time. We watch football, he complains about the team. It's non stop. And I can't say one thing to him, not one little, micro thing. If I do he sulks and won't talk for hours on end.

My Mam is worse. All she does is complain ! I go and see her every Monday night and all she goes on about is her 2 strokes she's had (complete fiction), all her other ailments, she is never happy, always making stories up about people breaking into her house or following her or ringing her up. She is the most selfish person I have ever known. I can't talk to her about anything, she just talks about herself. She argues with her neighbours, complains about not having enough money all the time. She is a nightmare. She rings me up and I feel this depression coming on. Moaning all the time ! I went to see her tonight and she started after 5 minutes making stories up, going on about her strokes, giving me honeysuckle and I walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. Of course she rang an hour later and her bloke said she was crying and was 'sorry' (Her neighbours told me last week that she had said to them my Dad was dying of cancer and she was glad !) - I told her I wasn't happy about what she said and she replied my Dad deserved it because of what he did. I said 'what ?' and she made this story up about my Dad telling my older brother not to bother with her which was completely made up.

I know parents are parents but I sometimes lose the will to live. I can't stand it anymore. Last year I nearly ended going to this bridge to jump off. I was so mad ! So sick of moaning and complaining all the time !

My Dad says I shouldn't bother with my Mam because she gets me mad and upset. I said I would go back and see her next week. I hate going because it is so depressing. At the moment my Dad is watching the women's football and shouting at the top of his voice ! I feel like saying 'does it matter ?'

I sometimes dream of disappearing and living by myself, so I don't have to listen to all this crap !

 

[Runciter]

They're pretty old mate, they say getting old is like reverting back to being a child. I think there are some things you just have to put up with. But it's not worth doing anything silly over. I know it's hard for you but I couldn't help smiling a bit when you said your dad plays xBox. Thats kind of surreal.

I would just let them say what they want, put up with their honeysuckle and try to enjoy what time you have left with them. I'd love to be able to say my dad gets on my tits but I can't because he died in his 50s. You're lucky in some ways. But they're not going to be here forever. On one hand that means you'll have your freedom, but I guarantee that when they're gone you'll start to forget about the bullshit and remember them for the good times.

Oh, and your usage of "mam," are you Irish perchance?

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

There comes a point where you have to accept that your parents will never change. My dad was a complete *******, and my mom has these mood swings that sometimes makes it unbearable to live with her...but she is still my mom.

I've learned to accept the good, and to live with the bad. When it comes down to it, your parents don't rule you...you rule you. Your parents were there to guide you, but if they didn't do a good job, it's up to you to guide yourself.

And yes, getting old is like reverting back to a child. My grandma would throw temper tantrums when she was 90. Why? Because she could. Doesn't mean that I didn't love her, or that she wasn't a good person.

 

[duff]

They're pretty old mate, they say getting old is like reverting back to being a child. I think there are some things you just have to put up with. But it's not worth doing anything silly over. I know it's hard for you but I couldn't help smiling a bit when you said your dad plays xBox. Thats kind of surreal.

I would just let them say what they want, put up with their honeysuckle and try to enjoy what time you have left with them. I'd love to be able to say my dad gets on my tits but I can't because he died in his 50s. You're lucky in some ways. But they're not going to be here forever. On one hand that means you'll have your freedom, but I guarantee that when they're gone you'll start to forget about the bullshit and remember them for the good times.

Oh, and your usage of "mam," are you Irish perchance?

I've always tried to be patient with them. My older brother moved to another city and doesn't care. My younger brother has been nothing but trouble since he was 2 years of age. I have always cared. Like you say, your parents are your parents. I have always been nice to my Mam, I've lent her money so many times. And I try and ignore my Dad's pessimism. Some days, like yesterday I just lose the will to live. It's like being in a swamp of depression. I know old people get in their ways but I think 'when are they happy ?' - my Dad's a miserable sod but he's a million times more happier than my Mam.

I felt so down last night, I went to bed early and I could hear my Dad shouting at the TV. I will go and see my Mam today and tell her why I walked out last evening.

Oh and no irish in my family. It's common to call your Mother 'mam' in Hull.

---

There comes a point where you have to accept that your parents will never change. My dad was a complete *******, and my mom has these mood swings that sometimes makes it unbearable to live with her...but she is still my mom.

I've learned to accept the good, and to live with the bad. When it comes down to it, your parents don't rule you...you rule you. Your parents were there to guide you, but if they didn't do a good job, it's up to you to guide yourself.

And yes, getting old is like reverting back to a child. My grandma would throw temper tantrums when she was 90. Why? Because she could. Doesn't mean that I didn't love her, or that she wasn't a good person.

I care about my Mam and Dad. My older brother doesn't.

I have this constant negativity from my Dad. How I put up with it ? I don't know ? And then I go and see my Mam and she's sat there moaning.. I snap sometimes.

 

[Runciter]

Duff, it sounds like you have the right attitude to your parents and that sometimes it all gets too much for you. Is there any hobby you have which you can use to take out your aggression? Something that allows you to exert yourself in an aggressive way might help. I used to play badminton a lot and it really helped to subside my anger, it might be worth trying to do something like that.

Hang in there though, make sure you get plenty of you time. Remember also to learn from your parents mistakes, don't let yourself turn into them. Don't let it turn you into a bitter, pessimistic person.

I didn't know that about Hull, I've only lived in the midlands for a short while and the language is taking some getting used to for me, there are times when I just don't have a clue what people are talking about.

 

[duff]

Duff, it sounds like you have the right attitude to your parents and that sometimes it all gets too much for you. Is there any hobby you have which you can use to take out your aggression? Something that allows you to exert yourself in an aggressive way might help. I used to play badminton a lot and it really helped to subside my anger, it might be worth trying to do something like that.

Hang in there though, make sure you get plenty of you time. Remember also to learn from your parents mistakes, don't let yourself turn into them. Don't let it turn you into a bitter, pessimistic person.

I didn't know that about Hull, I've only lived in the midlands for a short while and the language is taking some getting used to for me, there are times when I just don't have a clue what people are talking about.

Thanks !

I've just been to see my Mam, I said 'sorry' and for 10 minutes she was acting normal. I showed her my Whitby photo's and she said she liked them. We talked about the 'Royal baby' and a few other things. When I was going she reverted into her paranoid persona. She said her fella hasn't got long to live, said she will have to move house because the social are 'after her'. It's like she can't help it !

Anyway I will go back next week as normal.

I enjoy cycling so maybe I will go for some long bike rides. It might help.

 

[LeaningIntoTheMuse]

Sounds like she has a personality disorder, Duff.

 

[Runciter]

It sounds to me like your mum might be using that paranoid persona to try to guilt you into spending more time with her, it would be completely understandable given she is quite old and probably feeling alone. It must be hard to know that you're in the winter of your life and that you're in some ways just waiting to die. Don't judge her too harshly for it, I'm sure she doesn't mean to cause you trouble.

Have you ever watched the Sopranos? It sounds like there are some similarities between your mother and Tony Sopranos (though much less extreme!), you might find it to be an interesting watch.

As for cycling, I can't recommend it enough. I used to do a lot of downhill mountain biking (though don't have a bike at the moment) and I used to love it, great stress relief and massive adrenaline boost. Any cycling is good though, you should set yourself a challenge to ride a certain distance and give it ago. Take your camera too, you never know what you'll see on the way.

 

[duff]

Sounds like she has a personality disorder, Duff.

She's been going downhill in the last 20 years !

Obsessed about certain things such as her health, getting broken into, people following her. She makes up outlandish stories. Crazy stuff like people firing lazer guns at her thru the walls of her house or getting bothered by window cleaners who are all religious maniacs. It's attention seeking to the max level. And normally I let it go through one ear and out of the other but yesterday it got to me.

 

[quintus]

Duff? I looked it up: You are 45 years old, right? I think it's time to move out.

 

[duff]

Duff? I looked it up: You are 45 years old, right? I think it's time to move out.

However much my Dad grates on me from time to time, I would hate to think of him living by himself having no one to talk to all day. He hasn't any friends. I think without me his life would be pretty miserable.

Financially it makes sense me staying at home as well.

I have never seriously thought about it. I wouldn't like living by myself either. I think that would be horrible. I mean sometimes it's good. I enjoy my life very much. I just wish they were both happier !

 

[GraceBlossom]

Hi Duff,

It is such a tough one isn't it, you obviously love them, but like mine they can drive you so crazy. The cycling sounds a great idea, just to help you get some distance from all that pessimism and clear your head.

Something else I do, and this may sound funny, but when people are so stuck in their thinking, there is little you can do. So to relieve all the negatives, I try and say something positive in a non challenging way, it becomes a little game (in a nice way).

Hugs

 

[duff]

Hi Duff,

It is such a tough one isn't it, you obviously love them, but like mine they can drive you so crazy. The cycling sounds a great idea, just to help you get some distance from all that pessimism and clear your head.

Something else I do, and this may sound funny, but when people are so stuck in their thinking, there is little you can do. So to relieve all the negatives, I try and say something positive in a non challenging way, it becomes a little game (in a nice way).

Hugs

thanks Grace !

 

[ladyforsaken]

I didn't read every post in this thread. Just my experience to share:

When people are feeling sick, they're not in the best mental state of mind. They could feel totally different from who they really are. It's not easy to deal with.. but I experienced something similar with my dad when he was really ill. When he was bedridden, he started talking crazy stuff.. like how people in the corner of the room are out to get him.. or asking me to switch off the computer in the other room because it is annoying him?

Who knows how they're feeling.. I feel sorry for them because it's like they got no control over themselves. I'm sorry you're going through it.. and I'm sorry they're (your parents) going through it. But keep patient. My mother back then almost wanted to send my dad to the hospice.. because it was so difficult on her to deal with his craziness but .. we all know he was really really sick.

Try to find a way where you can either have some help with caring for them. I wouldn't exactly say you move out and leave them alone.... maybe if you do, at least find some care for your mother?

And.. try not to take what she says personally. She probably doesn't even know what she's saying. :\
But I do know.. it is emotionally draining.. but you hang in there, yeah? I wish you all the best. *hugs* Keep strong, duff.

 

[duff]

I didn't read every post in this thread. Just my experience to share:

When people are feeling sick, they're not in the best mental state of mind. They could feel totally different from who they really are. It's not easy to deal with.. but I experienced something similar with my dad when he was really ill. When he was bedridden, he started talking crazy stuff.. like how people in the corner of the room are out to get him.. or asking me to switch off the computer in the other room because it is annoying him?

Who knows how they're feeling.. I feel sorry for them because it's like they got no control over themselves. I'm sorry you're going through it.. and I'm sorry they're (your parents) going through it. But keep patient. My mother back then almost wanted to send my dad to the hospice.. because it was so difficult on her to deal with his craziness but .. we all know he was really really sick.

Try to find a way where you can either have some help with caring for them. I wouldn't exactly say you move out and leave them alone.... maybe if you do, at least find some care for your mother?

And.. try not to take what she says personally. She probably doesn't even know what she's saying. :\
But I do know.. it is emotionally draining.. but you hang in there, yeah? I wish you all the best. *hugs* Keep strong, duff.

thank you.

My Mam has been the same for years, always coming out with rubbish, made up stories to get attention. Last week it was gypsies knocking on her door at two in the morning. Next week it will be something else. I was down anyway last Monday, my week off work was over and I wasn't looking forward to going back. So I snapped and walked out. I have felt like it millions of times. I go and see her and instead of a 'what have you been upto ?' chat - it's all this rubbish !

She is never bad enough so I question her sanity. It's not that bad. I suppose it could be worse !

 

[duff]

My Mam was okay when I saw her Monday and my Dad is quite jovial so I feel better about things now !
Thanks to everybody for reading !

 

[living in the moment]

My Dad is 72 and My Mam is 70. She moved out in 1987 when she divorced my Dad. I've always kept in touch with her, going to see her once a week. I live with my Dad, it's just me and him.

All he does is moan and complain about everything ! It's hard to explain, but when I come in from work he will be either on the x box shouting at the screen complaining about the game or watching the television moaning about what is on. He usually watches sport and he calls the fresia out of anybody English. Football teams, cricket, golf, tennis. He is incredibly pessimistic, before every game he predicts 'our team' will lose. He goes to the shops, call fresia out of the shop, every advert on the TV, he says 'that's a pile of honeysuckle' and goes on this rant. He is bitter, cynical, can be nasty and at times it is so depressing being around him. We go and play golf and he moans all the time. We watch football, he complains about the team. It's non stop. And I can't say one thing to him, not one little, micro thing. If I do he sulks and won't talk for hours on end.

My Mam is worse. All she does is complain ! I go and see her every Monday night and all she goes on about is her 2 strokes she's had (complete fiction), all her other ailments, she is never happy, always making stories up about people breaking into her house or following her or ringing her up. She is the most selfish person I have ever known. I can't talk to her about anything, she just talks about herself. She argues with her neighbours, complains about not having enough money all the time. She is a nightmare. She rings me up and I feel this depression coming on. Moaning all the time ! I went to see her tonight and she started after 5 minutes making stories up, going on about her strokes, giving me honeysuckle and I walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. Of course she rang an hour later and her bloke said she was crying and was 'sorry' (Her neighbours told me last week that she had said to them my Dad was dying of cancer and she was glad !) - I told her I wasn't happy about what she said and she replied my Dad deserved it because of what he did. I said 'what ?' and she made this story up about my Dad telling my older brother not to bother with her which was completely made up.

I know parents are parents but I sometimes lose the will to live. I can't stand it anymore. Last year I nearly ended going to this bridge to jump off. I was so mad ! So sick of moaning and complaining all the time !

My Dad says I shouldn't bother with my Mam because she gets me mad and upset. I said I would go back and see her next week. I hate going because it is so depressing. At the moment my Dad is watching the women's football and shouting at the top of his voice ! I feel like saying 'does it matter ?'

I sometimes dream of disappearing and living by myself, so I don't have to listen to all this crap !

What on earth are you doing? Get away from them and let them be miserable on their own. You must be about 40-time to be on your own.
They have caused your problems, GET OUT
I have something to share with you. go to fhu.com and listen to that man and you will learn not to take it anymore and how to be independent. Please go there, give it a try, he has a live program every m-f at 9pm, You can be honest with him, tell the truth so he can help you. He has helped thousands with many problems, he Is helping the soldiers that come back with terrible stress, he has a stress tape that is life that is life changing. He has many stations that you can listen, but, here it is live call in.
Please save you life, you have a lot to learn about yourself and how to change how you think and feel and become an independent person.
What have you got to lose.
Louise

---

My Dad is 72 and My Mam is 70. She moved out in 1987 when she divorced my Dad. I've always kept in touch with her, going to see her once a week. I live with my Dad, it's just me and him.

All he does is moan and complain about everything ! It's hard to explain, but when I come in from work he will be either on the x box shouting at the screen complaining about the game or watching the television moaning about what is on. He usually watches sport and he calls the fresia out of anybody English. Football teams, cricket, golf, tennis. He is incredibly pessimistic, before every game he predicts 'our team' will lose. He goes to the shops, call fresia out of the shop, every advert on the TV, he says 'that's a pile of honeysuckle' and goes on this rant. He is bitter, cynical, can be nasty and at times it is so depressing being around him. We go and play golf and he moans all the time. We watch football, he complains about the team. It's non stop. And I can't say one thing to him, not one little, micro thing. If I do he sulks and won't talk for hours on end.

My Mam is worse. All she does is complain ! I go and see her every Monday night and all she goes on about is her 2 strokes she's had (complete fiction), all her other ailments, she is never happy, always making stories up about people breaking into her house or following her or ringing her up. She is the most selfish person I have ever known. I can't talk to her about anything, she just talks about herself. She argues with her neighbours, complains about not having enough money all the time. She is a nightmare. She rings me up and I feel this depression coming on. Moaning all the time ! I went to see her tonight and she started after 5 minutes making stories up, going on about her strokes, giving me honeysuckle and I walked out. I couldn't take it anymore. Of course she rang an hour later and her bloke said she was crying and was 'sorry' (Her neighbours told me last week that she had said to them my Dad was dying of cancer and she was glad !) - I told her I wasn't happy about what she said and she replied my Dad deserved it because of what he did. I said 'what ?' and she made this story up about my Dad telling my older brother not to bother with her which was completely made up.

I know parents are parents but I sometimes lose the will to live. I can't stand it anymore. Last year I nearly ended going to this bridge to jump off. I was so mad ! So sick of moaning and complaining all the time !

My Dad says I shouldn't bother with my Mam because she gets me mad and upset. I said I would go back and see her next week. I hate going because it is so depressing. At the moment my Dad is watching the women's football and shouting at the top of his voice ! I feel like saying 'does it matter ?'

I sometimes dream of disappearing and living by myself, so I don't have to listen to all this crap !

What on earth are you doing? Get away from them and let them be miserable on their own. You must be about 40-time to be on your own.
They have caused your problems, GET OUT
I have something to share with you. go to fhu.com and listen to that man and you will learn not to take it anymore and how to be independent. Please go there, give it a try, he has a live program every m-f at 9pm, You can be honest with him, tell the truth so he can help you. He has helped thousands with many problems, he Is helping the soldiers that come back with terrible stress, he has a stress tape that is life that is life changing. He has many stations that you can listen, but, here it is live call in.
Please save you life, you have a lot to learn about yourself and how to change how you think and feel and become an independent person.
What have you got to lose.
Louise

PS living in the moment is what he teaches also, it is called how your mind can make you well.

 

[GraceBlossom]

My Mam was okay when I saw her Monday and my Dad is quite jovial so I feel better about things now !
Thanks to everybody for reading !

Oh that is great, long may it continue!

 

[duff]

My Mam was okay when I saw her Monday and my Dad is quite jovial so I feel better about things now !
Thanks to everybody for reading !

Oh that is great, long may it continue!

thanks.

 

[living in the moment]

My Mam was okay when I saw her Monday and my Dad is quite jovial so I feel better about things now !
Thanks to everybody for reading !

Oh that is great, long may it continue!

[/quote
.............................................................................................
What is great about it? This person has no life of her own when she depends on how her parents act. She feels better today, when they change again, she will feel miserable. How sick is that? Her well being should not be based on anything that changes from day to day what others feel.
That means that when they die she loses her life. She has to get her own life.
How can you tell her it is great and hope that it continues? Where are you coming from?


Ps

I DON'T KNOW IF dUFF IS A HE OR SHE SO EXCUSE ME IF I CALLED A HIM A SHE OR HE VISA VERSA.