Do you need somebody to hate?

[isthatso]

I've asked myself this question recently...and unfortunately the answer is "Yes."
OK we need somebody to love as a motivation for living. A parent, (for example) finds a new level of determination to continue an awful job, in order to pay his child's school fees. A reason not to quit.
I've become accustomed to getting into conflict with people, the last 4 or 5 years...whether it be as an unsatisfied customer or with an abrasive, bossy colleague at work, even with family members. I used to just put up with it. Now I stand up for myself. Maybe too much eh. Seems like I've got my radar on all the time now, looking for potential threats.
But over-vigilance I fear.Can't relax. Always suspicious of others intentions. Now , if I've had a break from conflict, I almost miss it. Have renewed energy. Am always learning new strategies in order to "win". The person I perceive as the new enemy, the new nemeisis, will preoccupy my mind. It will stimulate my brain. How can I win? What are their weaknesses. Usually the person I clash with, has a personality trait I abhor...like drama queen or micro managing control freak, over-talkative know-all, political acumen which they use against me...in other words ones with "group" mentality over individuals.
Reading back this so far...I see well, maybe I am really mentally sick. I am justifyting hatred , rationalising when intellectually I know this is wrong. I love Ghandi and all those heroes who dedicated life to the betterment of society and their fellow man, but I just can't live up to it. I have become a loathsome bitter creature not unlike the character in "Notes from the Undergroud", a Russian novel. have I gone off topic by the way?

 

[isthatso]

What am I to conclude by no replies?

That I am indeed totally unhinged?
Some voice inside is telling me I deserve all this.

 

[bodafuko]

Anger is a good motivator. It was my sole motivator for several years. I understand the compulsion to find and maintain an enemy. Only age, experience and humility have taught me to change that part of myself. I don't need an enemy now. Life is the enemy - as it eventually kills us all.

 

[theraab]

Only you know whether you are just being competitive or hateful. The first part sounds like you are just standing up for yourself - then it becomes less clear that it is just wanting to win.

Do you want to win for the sake of winning, or to see the other person lose? If it is the former, there is nothing apparently wrong with that - that's how life is; if it's the latter, it might be unhealthy (especially when they preoccupy your mind, as you say).

You mention when there is no conflict, you miss it - that tells me, more than anything, that you're bored with whatever it is that you do - and that competition gives you something to look forward to. I don't know how old you are, but maybe you should look for a new career path, or find a hobby that has some competitive elements (like chess or something).

 

[JasonM]

Our society is unfortunately fixated on the concept of duality as an unquestionable reality. The Yes and the No, the Good and the Bad, the Right and the Wrong, and the Us and the Them. These opposing forces are somehow meant to define and give a certain meaning or value to the other, but if one can not stand by itself, without it's conceived 'shadow' or mirror image, what real meaning or value can it truly have unto itself? One is the only real number, but in order for it to 'exist' it needs something that is not One by which to give it properties to allow description of purpose. Thus One is splintered and fails to exist in an 'absolute sense'.

Now as per your theory on needing someone to hate. I believe it is part of a bigger issue. The point not necessarily of hating, but rather of having opposing forces by having to say, I am this and you are that. I am not like you because I am not that and this is how I define myself, but yet in a sense you are as you are basing your value/meaning/etc on the 'other' and not purely on yourself.

Now I'm not saying there is any easy way around this; in fact I have no idea how to exist with others and not fall into the trappings of conceived socially accepted 'reality'. The best I can advise is to simply be aware of the reasoning behind why it is we do what we do and reevaluate if our behavior is a knee-jerk reaction or based on ourselves.

 

[MsMac]

short answer - NO

 

[isthatso]

Our society is unfortunately fixated on the concept of duality as an unquestionable reality. The Yes and the No, the Good and the Bad, the Right and the Wrong, and the Us and the Them. These opposing forces are somehow meant to define and give a certain meaning or value to the other, but if one can not stand by itself, without it's conceived 'shadow' or mirror image, what real meaning or value can it truly have unto itself? One is the only real number, but in order for it to 'exist' it needs something that is not One by which to give it properties to allow description of purpose. Thus One is splintered and fails to exist in an 'absolute sense'.

Now as per your theory on needing someone to hate. I believe it is part of a bigger issue. The point not necessarily of hating, but rather of having opposing forces by having to say, I am this and you are that. I am not like you because I am not that and this is how I define myself, but yet in a sense you are as you are basing your value/meaning/etc on the 'other' and not purely on yourself.

Now I'm not saying there is any easy way around this; in fact I have no idea how to exist with others and not fall into the trappings of conceived socially accepted 'reality'. The best I can advise is to simply be aware of the reasoning behind why it is we do what we do and reevaluate if our behavior is a knee-jerk reaction or based on ourselves.

Grasp a lot of what you say but not all....awesome post.

---

You mention when there is no conflict, you miss it - that tells me, more than anything, that you're bored with whatever it is that you do - and that competition gives you something to look forward to.

Thanks. good insight. My job is boring as a nightshift security guard.

---

Anger is a good motivator. It was my sole motivator for several years. I understand the compulsion to find and maintain an enemy. Only age, experience and humility have taught me to change that part of myself. I don't need an enemy now. Life is the enemy - as it eventually kills us all.

Thank you for your kind words.

 

[JasonM]

Our society is unfortunately fixated on the concept of duality as an unquestionable reality.

Grasp a lot of what you say but not all....awesome post.

Put a bunch of monkey in a room with a typewriter long enough...

 

[Lone Apothecary]

Yeah, I do. It's that rotten ******* I turn into when I start procrastinating. What a jerk.

 

[fox]

It is my feeling hatefulness already took much more than its share of place in this world. If you recognize you feel it excessively or have a need to feel it toward other people, this is an issue you need to resolve instead of accept it.

Some people believe hatefulness is motivation.. but you wrote "I am justifyting hatred , rationalising when intellectually I know this is wrong" .. I think since you realize this, it can only be detriment in the big picture.

 

[Phaedron]

We do need someone who needs us, or at least some sense of purpose and mission. No, I don't need someone to hate. I've got enough of them already. Backstabbers are everywhere, never show the back. Never let down the guard.

 

[HappyYogi]

Sounds like an important issue to explore. If you can ask someone in the mental health field, they may understand why you might need conflict and an object to throw hate on.

And I think this condition exists. I know of two older, intellectual type women who come across this way to me. Both of them have ex friends they speak of with hatred and in demeaning ways. Both of them focus on these ex friends with a vengence.

I think there is something to it. There is something that drives them to do this. It gives them something. What? I don't know. But I'd explore this aspect of your psychology to understand more.

I've asked myself this question recently...and unfortunately the answer is "Yes."
OK we need somebody to love as a motivation for living. A parent, (for example) finds a new level of determination to continue an awful job, in order to pay his child's school fees. A reason not to quit.
I've become accustomed to getting into conflict with people, the last 4 or 5 years...whether it be as an unsatisfied customer or with an abrasive, bossy colleague at work, even with family members. I used to just put up with it. Now I stand up for myself. Maybe too much eh. Seems like I've got my radar on all the time now, looking for potential threats.
But over-vigilance I fear.Can't relax. Always suspicious of others intentions. Now , if I've had a break from conflict, I almost miss it. Have renewed energy. Am always learning new strategies in order to "win". The person I perceive as the new enemy, the new nemeisis, will preoccupy my mind. It will stimulate my brain. How can I win? What are their weaknesses. Usually the person I clash with, has a personality trait I abhor...like drama queen or micro managing control freak, over-talkative know-all, political acumen which they use against me...in other words ones with "group" mentality over individuals.
Reading back this so far...I see well, maybe I am really mentally sick. I am justifyting hatred , rationalising when intellectually I know this is wrong. I love Ghandi and all those heroes who dedicated life to the betterment of society and their fellow man, but I just can't live up to it. I have become a loathsome bitter creature not unlike the character in "Notes from the Undergroud", a Russian novel. have I gone off topic by the way?

 

[isthatso]

Exploring this further, on the macro level, evil leaders have used this as motivation to fight. Hitler, used the jews as a scapegoat. I think Fascism used the scapegoat approach, to rouse hatred and therefore unify a nation against one cause. If people can rationalise hatred, they don't feel guilty either.
Americans and 9/11/muslims.
China/Mao against capitalist weesterners ;like the U.S.
Australians feared an Asian invasion, thus prejudice towards Japan and China.
Bullies at work can target someone to safeguard or even further their own power. They need a new enemy to maintain their own position.And the old targets can relax because the new target takes all the heat. Bullies can also smokescreen their own incompetence by creating new conflicts, new gossip.

---

And what I actually want to say is that I have become a target of bullying at work . And i am convinced the main bully thrives on conflict. She needs someone to hate. (me )I am in awe of her machiavellian talent. She can create a drama out of nothing! And have everyone running to the tiissue box if she has been slightly maligned. Real bullies are experts at playing the victim. That is their most comfortable role. But all along they are working on others, gaining rapports, building support base. I feel like I am the only one who can see through her. I've heard her run down coworkers she pretended to be best friends with. She does not care one iota about anyone but herself and boosting her vainglorious profile.
I have been naive enough to think I can challenge her power at work, but now realise she has the ability to turn almost everyone against me. making up stories...to cut a long story short....I think I will quit. it's caiusing me so much grief. Can't relax at home. Poor me

 

[Romantic_Flower]

I realized something these days... To hate something you don't/can't have is a great way to cope/deal with it. At least for me.
For example, I hate popular people. I hate people with lots of friends. I hate happy people.
And it's weird, because... Now I REALLY hate them! In the beginning was all envy. But now it's Hate.
To hate isnt a good thing... I've tried everything to stop hating these things, but i can't
Now i have to find something to deal with the fact that i hate everyone

 

[ThisSideOfTheRainbow]

We, humans, can justify and have justified hatred in so many shapes and forms. There are so many great perspectives brought up in this thread. I can only speak for myself. I don't get into blind hatred at all, hating a group of people for religious or political beliefs, or color or class or creed. I understand why it happens in our society, and see thoughout history how that form of blind prejudice and hatred has killed millions.

But for example, a personal relationship where I have literally hated someone? An ex girlfriend, a family member, a boss, a situation. Any time I have ever hated, the only person I have brought pain to ultimately is myself. Hate is a path to the darkside. Yoda was right. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

The path of enlightenment, to me anyway, is unconditional love. And that's a tough path to follow. Sometimes people really come along and fresia up your life. They honeysuckle in your cornflakes, and we want to protect ourselves with revenge or hatred toward them. But those dark feelings are like a cancer. They will eat you alive, from the inside.

Sometimes people hate or are prejudiced because it gives them a sense of superiority. Its ultimately just a mask. Sometimes they don't even realize its just a mask. Alot of people get a drug-like rush pointing out the shortcomings of others. In my opinion, that is a behavior that can only bring darkness to the world.

But to each his own.........

 

[WallflowerGirl83]

Hate is a waste of time but lots of people can't stand me. That's for sure. They think I'm too blunt and open. And just weird. I used to think weird was a good thing. But hating someone is giving too much energy. Just awhile ago I was complaining and bitching. Than afterwards I got really upset and sad. It's better to be sad than hating someone but that's just me. Putting hatred out only consumes your mind and pretty soon you're hating everyone. Cause when you hate someone, that person is on your mind cause you just hate them. If I don't like someone I stay away from them but I don't waste my time hating them. Hate people is a waste of time, I rather make people laugh, than waste my energy on hating someone.

 

[isthatso]

Now i have to find something to deal with the fact that i hate everyone

In my grumpier moods, this is exactly how I feel.

Any time I have ever hated, the only person I have brought pain to ultimately is myself. Hate is a path to the darkside. Yoda was right. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

The path of enlightenment, to me anyway, is unconditional love. And that's a tough path to follow. Sometimes people really come along and fresia up your life. They honeysuckle in your cornflakes, and we want to protect ourselves with revenge or hatred toward them. But those dark feelings are like a cancer. They will eat you alive, from the inside.

Sometimes people hate or are prejudiced because it gives them a sense of superiority. Its ultimately just a mask. Sometimes they don't even realize its just a mask. Alot of people get a drug-like rush pointing out the shortcomings of others. In my opinion, that is a behavior that can only bring darkness to the world.

But to each his own.........

Have you ever tried unconditional hatred?
No I agree hate hurts you more than anyone else. Good enough reason to get rid of all of the posion.
And right about the arrogance of finding faults in others. That's one I really need to work on.

Cause when you hate someone, that person is on your mind cause you just hate them. If I don't like someone I stay away from them but I don't waste my time hating them. Hate people is a waste of time, I rather make people laugh, than waste my energy on hating someone.

Nothing worse than a preoccupied mind of your arch enemy.

 

[Menaceman]

I think the desire to find an 'enemy' is an inherited genetic tendency, and when it's combined with psychological trauma we can become 'hateful'.

And I think the desire to compete is genetic (especially for men), and it can be healthy (sports, non maliciious motivation to better yourself). But when combined with trauma it again can be 'unhealthy'.

Evolutionary psychology and comparative psychology are very insightful subject IME.

I've never known anyone who is without the tendency to create 'enemies' or be competitive or jealous. Research has shown that practically everyone is racist, and conditioned by the media to have culturally defined 'enemies'.