Everything is crashing around me... And it's my fault - even if it really isn't... To me it is. All of it is. Here I am sitting on the bathroom floor with the door locked, my BF and baby sleeping soundly in the other room... And all I can think of is how I DONT want this to end. I've already woken up before, with nothing beside me but a cold, damo basement wall in a strange room in an unfamilar house... All because I messed up BAD. I can't say I am suicidal... But I will say I wish I never existed. At the least I wish I could go back to before ALL of this... Before having a kid. Before him. To when I was supposed to head off to a country so riddled with war... That it didn't matter if I survived there or not. Because then, nothing mattered. Now? Now everything matters. And all that matters is crumbling.
I feel so worthless.. So unattractive, so unwanted.... I feel so useless; so incompetent as a spouse... As a mother. The depression is so bad that I don't even feel human. This isn't even me... It's NOT me. And this... This monster... Is going to destroy everything I have. I already know he has second thoughts. I already know he doesn't want to be around me. I don't even want to be around me... How can I expect someone to love me, when I don't even know who I am anymore?
And I want to tell him everything... But I can't. Every time I want to I shut down. I always shut down... And this time? This time I have to do something. I have a kid involved... I was stupid enough to bring a child into this messed up world. And I don't want him to stay because of her... I want him to stay because of me. Because of us. I don't want to lose him. And I know I will. I will because I cannot communicate... I can't handle my stress... And because this depression is kicking my ass hard core... It's making me aggravated, and angry... And I swear this isn't even me!
I just don't know what to do... How to do it... I hate my inability to speak up.. Until it's too late... And I can't go through what I did again. I won't survive it the second time around...
I feel so scared... So alone...
I feel so worthless.. So unattractive, so unwanted.... I feel so useless; so incompetent as a spouse... As a mother. The depression is so bad that I don't even feel human. This isn't even me... It's NOT me. And this... This monster... Is going to destroy everything I have. I already know he has second thoughts. I already know he doesn't want to be around me. I don't even want to be around me... How can I expect someone to love me, when I don't even know who I am anymore?
And I want to tell him everything... But I can't. Every time I want to I shut down. I always shut down... And this time? This time I have to do something. I have a kid involved... I was stupid enough to bring a child into this messed up world. And I don't want him to stay because of her... I want him to stay because of me. Because of us. I don't want to lose him. And I know I will. I will because I cannot communicate... I can't handle my stress... And because this depression is kicking my ass hard core... It's making me aggravated, and angry... And I swear this isn't even me!
I just don't know what to do... How to do it... I hate my inability to speak up.. Until it's too late... And I can't go through what I did again. I won't survive it the second time around...
I feel so scared... So alone...