Facebook has ruined my few friendships

[TheWalkingDead]

I really loathe Facebook, but the fact is most people use it and for some of my acquaintance it's the only way to keep in touch about some of my interest groups as they are not on Meetup or other contact.

But have noticed that it's ruining my few real friendships. Well it's already ruined one - when someone has stopped texting you and arranging to get together with you, but is posting on FB every 5 minutes (literally) interacting with other people, posting pics of meeting with other people, you can't just say to yourself "Oh I haven't heard from them, maybe they're at work or just busy" - it becomes clear you have just totally dropped off the face of the earth as far as importance to them is concerned.

Now I have another friend who has been probably my closest friend in the last 5 years. But she has just started to use Facebook, and when you are feeling like crap and haven't heard from someone, and you happen along to Facebook and their latest post is about the amazing night they're having with their amazing greatest friend ever (that isn't you) it's just about soul crushing. Add to that about 4 or 5 BS memes posted, yet no time to spend 30 seconds checking in with the poor b**tard who thought they actually cared.

I'll have to defriend her on FB - I don't mind being casual acquaintances with someone on FB who is a casual acquaintance in real life, but as soon as this starts happening with "real" "friends" it becomes toxic, it's like someone is just shoving the fact you aren't in reality that important to them right in your face And yet if they find out I've defriended maybe that will ruin it altogether too, unless the damage is already done.

Anybody else experienced this?

 

[Nicolelt]

I would get rid of facebook, except for the same reason you have. My interest groups communicate through there, so I keep it.

I have a friend from college that used to be my best friend. We are in the same profession as well. I will text him, and try to call him, and reach out to him, but nothing. He even told me and our group of friends that he will fall off the face of the earth to us if we do not take intuitive to talk to him.

I did that very thing, and nothing. And I see this stuff he posts on facebook, and think, "oh you can do that, but you can't text me back."

Since he posted about his job on facebook more anyways, and I too am passionate about my career, I decided maybe I should communicate with him on a more professional level.

So when I needed a lesson plan I knew he was good at, I would email him asking for help or advice. Nothing.

Now I'm too the point where I am like f*** him. I made my effort.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I would get rid of facebook, except for the same reason you have. My interest groups communicate through there, so I keep it.

I have a friend from college that used to be my best friend. We are in the same profession as well. I will text him, and try to call him, and reach out to him, but nothing. He even told me and our group of friends that he will fall off the face of the earth to us if we do not take intuitive to talk to him.

I did that very thing, and nothing. And I see this stuff he posts on facebook, and think, "oh you can do that, but you can't text me back."

Since he posted about his job on facebook more anyways, and I too am passionate about my career, I decided maybe I should communicate with him on a more professional level.

So when I needed a lesson plan I knew he was good at, I would email him asking for help or advice. Nothing.

Now I'm too the point where I am like f*** him. I made my effort.

Sorry to hear that. I used to teach as well - I had someone who befriended me while we were working together, and they ended up getting a lot out of me - including promotion, extra work, and even publicity for being a star professional on the back of what I taught them about using teaching technology and was always being told what a special friend I was.

They moved out of the country a few years ago, and the contact dried up, I suppose I could no longer offer them any benefits.

Recently they appeared on Facebook with their wedding photos, it was a big wedding, seemed the world and his wife had been invited - but I hadn't even received an email about it, never mind an invitation!

Some people are completely mercenary like that.

I have been, and would honestly be there for people when and if I could, if a friend was homeless I would open my couch to them, if they were penniless I would help them out with money, if they needed someone to talk I would listen - but these things don't seem to come back the other way, it's a shame those of us who are genuine and caring have to put up such shields eventually to try to protect us from people who are so self serving and unappreciative of us

 

[lifestream]

A friend made a Facebook page for me a few years ago. I lasted about a month on it before I closed my account. I found it nothing but a socially acceptable forum for vanity, self-obsession and agenda pushing. I think it's an inherently toxic thing, only there to remind people who don't conform to societal standards of normality that there's always another reason to feel bad about themselves.

Would you consider closing your account, TheWalkingDead?

 

[TheWalkingDead]

A friend made a Facebook page for me a few years ago. I lasted about a month on it before I closed my account. I found it nothing but a socially acceptable forum for vanity, self-obsession and agenda pushing. I think it's an inherently toxic thing, only there to remind people who don't conform to societal standards of normality that there's always another reason to feel bad about themselves.

Would you consider closing your account, TheWalkingDead?

I would, but like I say, there's a couple of things on there which I need to keep in touch with or I'd feel even more isolated. I guess I just need to prune it to only the essentials so that when I do go on to check what time something is happening etc, I am not exposed to the latest nonsense.

I agree with everything you say, the problem is most people are completely suckered by it. I suspect the first friend I mentioned lost all interest in me because I wasn't clicking "like" and giving her attention constantly like the new FB friends were. So it's a bit of a lose lose for those of us who hate it!

 

[lifestream]

I would, but like I say, there's a couple of things on there which I need to keep in touch with or I'd feel even more isolated. I guess I just need to prune it to only the essentials so that when I do go on to check what time something is happening etc, I am not exposed to the latest nonsense.

I agree with everything you say, the problem is most people are completely suckered by it. I suspect the first friend I mentioned lost all interest in me because I wasn't clicking "like" and giving her attention constantly like the new FB friends were. So it's a bit of a lose lose for those of us who hate it!

I'm sorry to hear that. I think you can at least control your news feed so that it's not cluttered with pictures or posts from certain people, can't you? Might make Facebook a less painful experience for you.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I would, but like I say, there's a couple of things on there which I need to keep in touch with or I'd feel even more isolated. I guess I just need to prune it to only the essentials so that when I do go on to check what time something is happening etc, I am not exposed to the latest nonsense.

I agree with everything you say, the problem is most people are completely suckered by it. I suspect the first friend I mentioned lost all interest in me because I wasn't clicking "like" and giving her attention constantly like the new FB friends were. So it's a bit of a lose lose for those of us who hate it!

I'm sorry to hear that. I think you can at least control your news feed so that it's not cluttered with pictures or posts from certain people, can't you? Might make Facebook a less painful experience for you.

Indeed, I've just now unfollowed a number of people. If it was just the odd funny update from a page I like (Eg Star Trek!) or something inocuous from people in my event groups, it would be a useful thing perhaps.

My family are on there too, only a few people, but it's also a way to keep in touch with them so don't want to disappear completely or they might come looking for me to see if I am alive :club:

I'm not sure why I've not done this before, I guess it can be unsettling to cut off someone even though it's just on a website, it feels underhand, even though they have done it to me, or are not really close friends on there!

Of course sometimes you see those stupid memes telling you "How to see who has unfollowed you on Facebook and see who your true friends are" but screw all that

 

[Aisha]

Facebook can be very easy to get caught up in if you're new to it. That's probably what is happening with your friend who joined facebook recently. I joined it in 2007 and have.. perhaps not a love-hate relationship with it, but more a meh-dislike one. I've previously deactivated my account on occasion for longer than a year. This time it's been about 3/4 months so far. There is no void, I don't feel as though I lack anything by doing so. Yes, there are friends and acquaintances on there, but in reality more often than not, it's just a facade people put up, just a mask they present to the world. It's a pointless distraction, although admittedly it has it's uses for individuals sometimes, such as if you need to get in touch with someone and don't have other means. Unless someone owns a page or has some kind of business they need to promote or something of the like, there isn't much need to be on it for extended periods of time.
I know what you mean by losing friendships because of it. One of my closest friends from high school came home for the holidays from college a few years ago. All of us had somehow managed to come home during those holidays coincidentally and we met up. She introduced us to her fiance' and showed us the ring. Everyone was very happy and excited since she was the first of us to be getting married, but she was very evasive when we asked about the wedding. A few days later pictures of her wedding was up all over our facebook home pages. It wasn't a small wedding either. Not one of her high school friends, not even the closest of us had been invited or even given a clue it was going to happen. She has yet to explain why to any of us. Unsurprisingly, we don't talk now, although we love her and would be more than happy to talk if only she would take the first step. Facebook can make things quite messy.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I have a friend from college that used to be my best friend. We are in the same profession as well. I will text him, and try to call him, and reach out to him, but nothing.

I did that very thing, and nothing. And I see this stuff he posts on facebook, and think, "oh you can do that, but you can't text me back."

....

So when I needed a lesson plan I knew he was good at, I would email him asking for help or advice. Nothing.

Now I'm too the point where I am like f*** him. I made my effort.

That situation is very frustrating and I would probably feel the same in your shoes.

But I just wanted to point out that sometimes it's not always disinterest that keeps people from replying. I myself have been a lot worse at replying than I thought I would be, whether it's Facebook, e-mail, or here, unfortunately. I have to catch up on things from my Facebook from November of last year, and I just recently got back in touch with people I hadn't responded to on email since September. Thankfully they replied, at least to my initial follow-up. I want to stay in touch. But my mood kept me from replying promptly.

Also, sometimes I get days where I am feeling rushed a lot. I don't have much down time, and when I do, I just feel too hurried to compose my thoughts. I hate going back over my messages and realizing that I could have said more about something or could have said something in a better way, could've been friendlier, could've asked more questions, could've made more jokes, could've showed more interest, stuff like that.

It's not disinterest that's kept me from replying. It's just that when I'm feeling either sad, angry, rushed, or anxious, I tend to go quiet.

 

[Triple Bogey]

I really loathe Facebook, but the fact is most people use it and for some of my acquaintance it's the only way to keep in touch about some of my interest groups as they are not on Meetup or other contact.

But have noticed that it's ruining my few real friendships. Well it's already ruined one - when someone has stopped texting you and arranging to get together with you, but is posting on FB every 5 minutes (literally) interacting with other people, posting pics of meeting with other people, you can't just say to yourself "Oh I haven't heard from them, maybe they're at work or just busy" - it becomes clear you have just totally dropped off the face of the earth as far as importance to them is concerned.

Now I have another friend who has been probably my closest friend in the last 5 years. But she has just started to use Facebook, and when you are feeling like crap and haven't heard from someone, and you happen along to Facebook and their latest post is about the amazing night they're having with their amazing greatest friend ever (that isn't you) it's just about soul crushing. Add to that about 4 or 5 BS memes posted, yet no time to spend 30 seconds checking in with the poor b**tard who thought they actually cared.

I'll have to defriend her on FB - I don't mind being casual acquaintances with someone on FB who is a casual acquaintance in real life, but as soon as this starts happening with "real" "friends" it becomes toxic, it's like someone is just shoving the fact you aren't in reality that important to them right in your face And yet if they find out I've defriended maybe that will ruin it altogether too, unless the damage is already done.

Anybody else experienced this?

I have 40 'friends' on FB. Only about 10 interact with me. Most ignore me and never 'like' anything I post or send messages.

And yes like yourself, it gets very tedious reading how some ****** is some other ******* best friend or seeing some boring selfie or some twat with a pint of ******* beer in their hand.

On the plus side, some people post some really nice photo's or write some interesting messages. Thing is you control your news feed. If someone is getting on my tits but I still want to be friends with them, I don't follow their crap. I take it off my news feed.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I really loathe Facebook, but the fact is most people use it and for some of my acquaintance it's the only way to keep in touch about some of my interest groups as they are not on Meetup or other contact.

But have noticed that it's ruining my few real friendships. Well it's already ruined one - when someone has stopped texting you and arranging to get together with you, but is posting on FB every 5 minutes (literally) interacting with other people, posting pics of meeting with other people, you can't just say to yourself "Oh I haven't heard from them, maybe they're at work or just busy" - it becomes clear you have just totally dropped off the face of the earth as far as importance to them is concerned.

Now I have another friend who has been probably my closest friend in the last 5 years. But she has just started to use Facebook, and when you are feeling like crap and haven't heard from someone, and you happen along to Facebook and their latest post is about the amazing night they're having with their amazing greatest friend ever (that isn't you) it's just about soul crushing. Add to that about 4 or 5 BS memes posted, yet no time to spend 30 seconds checking in with the poor b**tard who thought they actually cared.

I'll have to defriend her on FB - I don't mind being casual acquaintances with someone on FB who is a casual acquaintance in real life, but as soon as this starts happening with "real" "friends" it becomes toxic, it's like someone is just shoving the fact you aren't in reality that important to them right in your face And yet if they find out I've defriended maybe that will ruin it altogether too, unless the damage is already done.

Anybody else experienced this?

I have 40 'friends' on FB. Only about 10 interact with me. Most ignore me and never 'like' anything I post or send messages.

And yes like yourself, it gets very tedious reading how some ****** is some other ******* best friend or seeing some boring selfie or some twat with a pint of ******* beer in their hand.

On the plus side, some people post some really nice photo's or write some interesting messages. Thing is you control your news feed. If someone is getting on my tits but I still want to be friends with them, I don't follow their crap. I take it off my news feed.

Maybe they don't ignore but just don't have you in their feed either?! I suppose that's ignoring you in one way, but not specifically ignoring everything you post! One of the friends I mentioned always used to complain that some people didn't like her posts, but then she was posting updates all day and I only ever see the one at the top, I don't scroll down to read through the 30 or 40 other updates posted that day and am not doing that just to feed someone's need for little red like notifications!

---

The ones that get me are the pictures of drinks on tables. So you are about to get hammered, so ******* what lol!

 

[dd11]

There are people whom you have to turn off notifications because they flood Facebook with nonsense. But a lot of people accept friend requests but never put you in their notifications. Eventually you realize that those people will never see or care what you post.

 

[mickey]

I had a facebook account and many contacts back in 2010 when I wanted to be a self-published writer. Eventually I became disillusioned with that and had the account deleted. Later I registered a new account in order to stay in touch with one specific man, a commercially published midlist author who has had some success in his publication niche. He was helpful to me, but it became onerous for me to have a facebook account only to stay in touch with him, so I stopped using that account as well.

Facebook has degraded the concept of friendship because facebook "friends" are NOT real friends, yet the same word is used. But you seem to have discovered that already, as has pretty much the whole world.

 

[there is no hope]

Fuckbook is the devil.

 

[LonelySutton]

I have sort of started taking facebook as a strange PR page for me, and that is how I see it. Due to work limitations I cannot post anything that matters and so I mostly post like quizzes or funny cat photos. I have a lot of co workers as friends but co workers who are NOT friends. It actually works out pretty good. You find out things about people that you wouldn't expect. And even though you go to work and don't talk to them all day you post something and they like it... makes you happy. I think among people that work with me and think they know me, I think my facebook page has succeeded in making them think I am more friendly than they other wise would think.

I have mostly taken all people I actually care about off my feed.

I did get my feelings hurt a couple of times. Though I am pretty good about it. A friend went out with other friends of mine for a dinner party. Ok sure. But the photos were posted on facebook with everyone in the world including people who aren't our friends. I actually said nothing but another co friend wasn't invited either and she told me she was hurt, so I gently asked about it, and there was such an overreaction (defending themselves) that I thought, geeze.. this person is not my friend.

I only have 60 people on mine. Mostly people I can stand.

I friend ed my co trustee and neighbor and I can't believe she UNFRIENDED me. Man that pissed me off. Obviously the only reason for that is that she thinks she is better than me and doesn't want me seeing her personal stuff.

 

[dd11]

It gives the illusion that you are posting to the world but in reality poating to nobody. Or to " friends" who don't follow your feed. As for Unfriending , good riddance! If that happens I go on and block their arse.

 

[TheWalkingDead]

The other thing that annoys me is use of xxx. The friend that annoyed me yesterday had put xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx next to the friend who is so wonderful. Do you then top that with xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx next time you want to express something so publicly sycophantic? And then what do you do after that? Use up the entire post character limit with xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ad nauseum??

---

It gives the illusion that you are posting to the world but in reality poating to nobody. Or to " friends" who don't follow your feed. As for Unfriending , good riddance! If that happens I go on and block their arse.

Indeed. Unless you are Morgan Freeman or The British Queen nobody cares if you just arrived at Subway for a foot long...

The absolute worst offenders for me are the cryptic posts just begging for attention.

"So hurt...."
"Wow, can't believe what happened today..."
"FML"

The first friend I mentioned posted something that sounded very much like a permanent goodbye message, if you know what I mean. But it was just to get attention, as I found out after I called law enforcement and emergency services because you can't ignore something like that when it sounds imminent. To do that for attention is just self serving and reckless (next time when it's real, people just think here we go again) I think that was the beginning of the end for me with that friendship!

 

[SofiasMami]

Now I have another friend who has been probably my closest friend in the last 5 years. But she has just started to use Facebook, and when you are feeling like crap and their latest post is about the amazing night they're having with their amazing greatest friend ever (that isn't you) it's just about soul crushing.

Anybody else experienced this?

About 95% of status updates on Facebook are exaggerated bullshit. Because the reality is your friend had to take 150 consecutive trout-pout selfies before they found took the one that showed them in just the right lighting and just the right angle and then probably got so drunk they threw up, then stumbled home to an empty house and woke up with a hangover so bad they couldn't get out of bed the next morning. But never mind all that because you know - #lovinglife and #blessed. So don't take those status updates personally.

I saw a great video on youtube called "facebook and a different reality" - I'll try to post the link here, it's easily Googled as well.

://youtu.be/Fz1BMCpPCzM

-Teresa

 

[TheWalkingDead]

I know all these things, it's when I see otherwise intelligent, thoughtful and sensible people get suckered into this behaviour that I feel despair.

How do you know lol - what is it with this hashtag nonsense, my friend had put exactly that #feelingblessed

Thanks for the link! Ha ha, yes I've seen it before but it's still relevant as ever!

Now people are saying hashtag (insert nonsense) out loud so I've heard!

 

[SofiasMami]

That's what Facebook is, The WalkingDead - photos carefully curated almost to the point of fiction and meaningless hashtags. It doesn't surprise me your friend put #feelingblessed

-Teresa