LikeAPuzzledPanther
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- Feb 20, 2011
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Lately I've been emotionally digging, call it the male desire to fix things or solve problems.
I've come to a theory that a large part of what led me here is having a BPD mother. It's possible I avoid 'the chase' for fear of ending up with someone 'just like ma'. It's usually after I've spent a day or week walking on eggshells, thinking 'if I just had a LIFE I wouldn't have to be here in the 1st place'. Then I remember that it takes time and energy to build a healthy relationship (or so I hear)
I feel like I've caught up a long way in life in a short time, but it seems about once a week I'll come through the living room and become a 4 year old again. I've started an enterprise to supplement SSDI, I'm fortunate to be fed a somewhat steady client stream, and I've turned some of my people-pleasing defects into attributes, Also lucky to not have had to deal with any A-holes as of yet. However I can't seem to turn off that 'prove you wrong' mode when it comes to dealing with my mother and brother, I never remember that 'sorry that didn't hold, I'll try and get it this time' the way I do with a stranger when I get the rare come-back.
Because of financial circumstances, and the area we live, we have pretty much been at home most of our lives, my brother and me. No way my mom could live anywhere in the state if we weren't all here. That doesn't stop her from threatening to evict me from time to time. Major button for me. I get hot and resentful enough to say (inwardly) 'fine, go ahead. Good luck keeping the house' which turns to panic: where else am I going to stay that I can keep my birds, have a garage workspace, and record my music without worrying about everything getting ripped off? Let alone to find other roommates conducive to my work environment and serenity.
Most of the time I'm OK to function in my surroundings, it's these kind of FML moments that cause me to question it all, and subconsciously deprive my mother of her much-idealized grandchildren she desires. How do I break it to her that the way I was brought up is why my brother and I are childless and unattached?
Anyone else going through anything similar?
I've come to a theory that a large part of what led me here is having a BPD mother. It's possible I avoid 'the chase' for fear of ending up with someone 'just like ma'. It's usually after I've spent a day or week walking on eggshells, thinking 'if I just had a LIFE I wouldn't have to be here in the 1st place'. Then I remember that it takes time and energy to build a healthy relationship (or so I hear)
I feel like I've caught up a long way in life in a short time, but it seems about once a week I'll come through the living room and become a 4 year old again. I've started an enterprise to supplement SSDI, I'm fortunate to be fed a somewhat steady client stream, and I've turned some of my people-pleasing defects into attributes, Also lucky to not have had to deal with any A-holes as of yet. However I can't seem to turn off that 'prove you wrong' mode when it comes to dealing with my mother and brother, I never remember that 'sorry that didn't hold, I'll try and get it this time' the way I do with a stranger when I get the rare come-back.
Because of financial circumstances, and the area we live, we have pretty much been at home most of our lives, my brother and me. No way my mom could live anywhere in the state if we weren't all here. That doesn't stop her from threatening to evict me from time to time. Major button for me. I get hot and resentful enough to say (inwardly) 'fine, go ahead. Good luck keeping the house' which turns to panic: where else am I going to stay that I can keep my birds, have a garage workspace, and record my music without worrying about everything getting ripped off? Let alone to find other roommates conducive to my work environment and serenity.
Most of the time I'm OK to function in my surroundings, it's these kind of FML moments that cause me to question it all, and subconsciously deprive my mother of her much-idealized grandchildren she desires. How do I break it to her that the way I was brought up is why my brother and I are childless and unattached?
Anyone else going through anything similar?
