Family problems that cause loneliness

[pammar94]

So much of this board focuses on love relationships. What about when you have family making you feel like garbage? My son's wife hates me, and I have no idea why, so I'm estranged from my grandson, although not from my son. I can explain more, but first I want to see if there is any interest in discussiong how lonely you can feel when your own family cuts you off. I'm feeling lonely today. It's my birthday and my immediate family loves me (hub, two kids who live with me and my one daughter who lives away from home). However, I have had MUCH rejection. My mother disowned me before she died for reasons nobody really understands and that she never explained. My sister and I have had constant problems. She blames me for many things, but she was close to Mom. When she gets upset with me, even in a normal way, she calls the police. I'm afraid of her so I don't speak to her anymore. The police don't take her complaints seriously, but I don't like them coming around anyway. It scares me, hub and kids. My brother lives far away and is distant. My Dad and I do have a relationship. I dread the day he won't be with us anymore. He is 85. I have two grown sons. One was adopted from another country at age six and never attached to us enough, I guess. Again for reasons I don't know, he won't see any of us anymore. He is married now and I hope he is happy. My other son is the one with the hostile wife. I know why she is upset, but it truly is a puzzling reason.

If I understood why I was rejected so often, maybe I wouldn't be so lonely, but I never really get satisfactory answers. And maybe I'd feel lonely anyway. I think some people just do. I'm 56. I adopted four kids and gave birth to one. I wanted a big family because I felt so lost in my own. Well, only three of my kids give love back to me.

Thoughts?

 

[Sonic_95]

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, Pammar.

To answer your question, my family is MUCH of the reason I am lonely.

I have had issues being accepted by both of my sisters (both older than me) from the time I was born.

Growing up they treated me like crap, and to this day they don't regret it, and their reasons are everything from "I wasn't normal", to "I was embarrassing" and too many more to count.

I was 12 when my younger sister graduated and moved out of the house, and she came up here, so me and her didn't see or talk to each other but a handful of times after she left until I moved here when I was 21.

My other sister lived about 6 hours away and we saw each other 2 or 3 times a year, until I was 16, and because of problems (thanks, ex brother in law), she ended up moving up here to get away from the situation. I was very attatched to her 3 kids, so I was crushed. I had pretty much decided that once I got the opportunity, I would also move here to not only be able to see the kids and be a part of their life, but I also thought (stupid me) that me and my sisters would eventually get close, since all the childhood drama was long over.

When I finally did get to move here, I lived with my older sister for the first 2 years. During that time, I bent over backwards to help her out in any way i could, doing everything from babysitting, to buying her grocieries when she didn't have the money. and fixing up the house (with my own money at that.) yet I still got bitched at because I wasn't doing enough, doing it wrong, yadda yadda. To make things worse, if I had something of my own going on and I couldn't help her out, say, to babysit, she would get downright pissy and start slamming honeysuckle around when I told her I couldn't do it.

It got to the point where I just came home from work and stayed in my room downstairs until I went to work the next morning. We hardly ever talked. the last 6 months it was so bad I used to work all the overtime I could just so I wouldn't have to go home.

We had a falling out and I got a place of my own and I was doing well - that lasted for about 9 months or so, and one day my other sister calls and said that she was finally going to break up with her BF who she was with for 4 years and had nothing but problems. She asked me to move in with her to help her out, and at the time, I actually felt pretty good about that. We had never gotten along, and in the months before, we had started to talk more and I had been very happy about that, because I thought things were finally going to turn around. Stupid me, I said yes and moved in with her........and let me tell you it sure didn't take long for her to change how she was toward me once I moved in. I bent over backwards for her just like I had done in the past with my other sister, but no matter what I did it was never enough. She nagged at me constantly because I wasn't doing stuff her way, and just degrading my in every way shape and form. It was so bad at one point I had actually made reservations for a U-haul that i was going to pick up when she went to work one day, and pack it up and head back home. That never happened, and I lived there for five years before i finally told her this is it I'm getting the hell out. It had been the same way as living with my other sis - i came home from work and stayed in the basement unless i was out of the house because i didn't want to be around her.

They both still degrade me to this day every time I talk to them, so i pretty much don't bother telling them anything anymore. And my folks just take their side.

I could go on and on about family issues but my post is long enough already so I'll end it here LOL

Family can do a number on you that's for sure. Honestly, I think if things were differnet, I'd not only be a happier person, but I'd have a lot more self esteem. Not feeling accepted will really do a lot to you emotionally.

 

[Punisher]

Family (thumbs down)

 

[Brian]

I'm sorry to hear that, Pammar. I hate being estranged from certain family members when it makes absolutely no sense at all. Sometimes people do the worst things. The police thing sounds pretty extreme; why does your sister get so upset?

I dread the day my dad goes, too. He's only in his 50s, but I know he doesn't have forever and I know when his wife goes the despair could shorten those years for him. Things are rocky sometimes and I know some of the things I do, say, or think don't sit well with him because they don't sit well with my stepmom. But he's still my dad.

I think this is definitely a worthy topic.

I've become quite estranged from one of my step-sisters, it would seem. We were previously pretty close and would go do stuff all the time.

She got involved with a church and the Christian faith, and now she's really distant and doesn't seem to want much to do with me. She has her new 'Christian family' and Christian friends; Now when she sees me, I get the 'IVE SPOTTED A SINNER' look.

:/

I'm sort of bitter and jaded, so I try to shrug it off and just blast my metal whenever I have to pull up to her driveway. fresia it. She won't like me anyway simply because I'm not a sheep in the church pews.

I'm not as close to my parents anymore because I deigned to not listen to my step-mom's every word. I enjoy the outside world and so I'm sort of a hot coal. We still have dinner now and then and we still talk, but we're not a close family like we used to be. There was a year or so of extreme drama and her blowing things in to things they shouldn't be, and trying to make EVERYTHING in to a slight against her. I finally pushed back. I moved out that day; I moved out all by myself after renting a friend's pickup; I put all my stuff in storage by myself; I stayed at the fire station as a resident until I moved in to an apartment, by myself. fresia it. Watch me be on my own, mother; watch me not need you anymore and become more successful in a year and a half than your blood son has in twice that time. Watch me out-do the one faithfully clinging to your apron strings who you cherish so much.

That really stuck it to her, I think.

I wish I wasn't so jaded or bitter, sometimes. I wish we could be a big happy family. But we can't. Some of it on my part is my bullheadedness; but the majority of it is her hating anything that disagrees with her ways and taking everything as a slight to her.

I still have my littlest sister, at least. The last straw for me was when she ripped in to my little sister one night. I ripped back. One time shortly after it got bad again; I stayed with my little sis that night in her room to make sure she was ok. Don't touch my little sister; I'll ******* kill anybody who does.

Things have settled down since then, but she counts the days til she can move out on her own. I'm sure that will cause another big drama, and I'm sure part of it will be aimed at me for 'corrupting her children'. I didn't do honeysuckle. They thought for themselves.

---

It got to the point where I just came home from work and stayed in my room downstairs until I went to work the next morning. We hardly ever talked. the last 6 months it was so bad I used to work all the overtime I could just so I wouldn't have to go home.

****, Sonic; I hate that feeling. When my dad/stepmom or stepmom/world would get in to it with eachother, sometimes it'd last for days. Weeks, a couple of times. I too spent every waking minute outside of that house. It was miserable.

Til I blew up, anyway. I think that's a big reason why I get fired up over things now. I recall my stepmom becoming so verbally and emotionally abusive toward my sisters once that I hurled a chair across the room, smashed a broom against a wall, and destroyed a ceiling lamp. It took that kind of display to distract her and get her pissed at me enough to leave. I'm not destructive anymore, or rageful; but I still get fired up over honeysuckle. It was the stupidest things that got her mad back then. It still is.


You shouldn't have to put up with that, ever. I'm sorry it's pushed you from your family so much, bud But if it's any solace, you're not the one in the wrong there. They are, I think.

 

[Naleena]

Pammar,
AS someone once said, You can choose your friends but, not your family. Sometimes people just come from screwed up, dysfunctional families. If you can look in the mirror and know that you have done the best you can do, or are doing the best you can do, then know that is enough. You have done your part. Whether that is "good enough" for someone else or not, is irrelavent. While you may want a relationship with these other people, it may not be possible at this time and it doesn't mean that the problem is you. I would like to encourage you to try not to focus so much on the relationships that aren't working. Instead, look at the ones that are. A husband who loves you and your two children. You are blessed because you are loved by these people. You can lay your head down and night and say,"I am loved."
I know you want to have all these relationships but, do you HAVE to have them to be happy? Can your husband and other children be enough? Are they not enough?
Imagine how life would be without them. Focus your attention on those who love you back Now I know you will still hurt from the loss of your other relationships but, hopefully you can find some peace.
As far as the other son, you can only do so much. Every child is different. If you gave him support and loved him thats all you can do. As far as your mom, I could not imagine a mother disowning her child.
And yes, I think we all have relationships that make us sad. Sometimes personalities conflict. I think this is where it is best to learn acceptance. We can not control what other people do or say. We can only do our best to be the best that we can. I know you hurt and I am sorry that these things make you lonely. The good thing about time is that things change and people change. You never know, maybe one day your son will feel differently.
I hope this had helped in some way.

 

[Punisher]

She got involved with a church and the Christian faith, and now she's really distant and doesn't seem to want much to do with me. She has her new 'Christian family' and Christian friends; Now when she sees me, I get the 'IVE SPOTTED A SINNER' look.

Lol, you're not a sinner. Your job alone kind of makes you a hero

Anyway, i get the 'sinning apostate of Islam' look, and i get the verbal assault to match, absolutely free

I SO ROCK! lol

*Hugs* Pammer, Sonic and Brian

 

[Lonesome Crow]

yeah...family can make us or break us.

Sometimes it hurts a lot to be isolated from our family.
We all need a home or place to rest our heads and hearts from the hussel and bussel of the world.
Unfortuantely of some of us..home is a nightmair. Sometimes my parents and sisters drives me
freaken nutz...

All of my in laws nevered actaully liked me. Striaght up, it's becuase they hated me becuase
the color of my skin. Half the time it puts alot of stress on my partner. My in-laws will come
between my partners at every chance they get at any signs of a crack in our relationship.
Unfortunately, I've nevered had a perfect relationship. In times of trouble my partner and
I need to seek counsel from our family and friends. Unfortunately..that usually drives us further apart.

Errr..have you ever watched John and Kate plus 8.?
Kate tried to putted in a nice way of why her parents arn't a part of her life , when asked how come her
parents were never a part of the pitcure. It is what it is...

Kate is straight up co-dependent, grew up in a dysfucntional home hard core..Watching her is like watching one of my sisters

I have 4 Children...1 is of my own bloode. The other 3 three I raised and love if they were my own.
The youngest is 20 years old. (note to self...find all of my duaghters and keep them all away from Brian )
I feel totally disconnected from all of my children. I'm trying to rebuild a relationship
with one of them..though I don't think we'll ever be close.
No..I will never have a grandchild perhapse I can take fishing or camping someday.

Yes it leaves me with a very lonely feeling or I feel as if I've always had to face this
world alone. It's a very familar feeling I had from the day I was born.

I try to love myself as best I can. I try to let go and not try to figure it out anymore..
Yes..I have that vision of what a healthy family should be like..I try to let go of that as best I can.

Another way of saying that is...I've giving up on that idea. I'm getting too old and tired for that honeysuckle.
I can't play that tape in my head any more ...all it dose it makes me feel bad. Then I get a bad attitude.
Then I think life totally freaken sucks. It's like a domino effect into my psychy. Then I might wanna hang myself.
It's like setting myself up for a fall with fualts hopes. It just leaves me bitter as a person if I go back there and
try to figure it out. I can't put myself through that either...This I have control over. I don't have to be bitter
for any of it...inspite of all of it.

It's just where I'm at. At this moment in my life. I don't expect anything from anyone or whatever...
Lowering my expectations to Zero...zelch, nadda..zip.
I hear a million times from others of how or what a good life ought to be.
Well, there's what ought to be. Then there Is what it is.

I pray that you find peace, love and comfort in your life somehow.

 

[Sonic_95]

You can lay your head down and night and say,"I am loved."

Wow, that's a good point Naleena. That brought tears to my eyes when I read that, because that is a feeling I have not had in a loooooooooooong time

 

[pammar94]

You can lay your head down and night and say,"I am loved."

Wow, that's a good point Naleena. That brought tears to my eyes when I read that, because that is a feeling I have not had in a loooooooooooong time

I feel like I could lose the love at any time. Trust me, it has happened