Fear of being creative

[harmony]

When I was a lonely child I wrote stories. This continued for years, basically until I studied creative writing at college. I lost confidence through criticism and judgement and comparing myself to the wonderful work of others. I never got over it.

Can't sleep because I've gone into my stupid cycle of wanting to be creative, thinking I can, realising I can't, feeling hopeless and despairing and angry, and finally giving up on the idea. I'm usually in the latter phase and wish I could stay there but something always nags at me and makes me miserable.

I don't know why because I'm so turned off the idea of doing anything and when I try I feel so frustrated and sad. But I'm not satisfied. It's as if I hate what I love and love what I hate. It doesn't make sense.

It goes far beyond writing. I can't 'let go.' I'm terrified. I used to love acting at school because I could wear a different persona but once I took drama at sixth form I realised I was no good after all and dropped out. I hate speaking in front of others. I struggle socially. I wish I could be artistic and paint or something but I don't have such a bone in my body. Once I started and I broke down in tears. A baby could have done better.

How can I break the cycle once and for all? How do I know if I really want to write or just the whole thing go?

 

[Walley]

writers block basically.
im in a bit of a non creative phase myself atm..
thing to do is walk away from it for now. you cant force it. you just make an attempt, and if its not flowing then step back and put your mind on something else and make another attempt when the feeling hits you.
thats all you can do im afraid. well, thats what i do anyways and it works for me.
you have to feel it. be in the mood. find inspiration.... otherwise theres no use trying because you will only frustrate yourself and may start to reinforce the wrong pyscological associations with creativity.

 

[switch]

Hi, I don't think anyone should fear being creative! You can be creative in so many ways on so many different levels.

Did you study creative writing because you had a passion for writing or because you felt it was the one thing you could do because of the stories as a child?

This is my opinion: I never understand creative courses because I don't understand how a tutor/lecturer can mark your work (grade creativity) or tell you it's wrong when I believe that a creative person can't really be wrong with their work just different. I also feel that creative work is marked based on opinions and everyone will have a different opinion so I don't really agree with creative courses even though what I am studying is a creative degree.

I know you say you lost your confidence through criticism and judgement but I think you need to work on letting that go. I also feel you need to stop comparing yourself to others out there. If you were to work on letting this go I believe your creative juices will be flowing again.

Wanting to be creative and maybe pushing yourself to be creative to prove a point to yourself or forcing yourself to produce something might actually be what is also stopping you from being creative.

I'm not sure what you like etc and everyone is different but have you ever tried just completely switching off and forgetting about writing for a couple of days? Go outside take pictures, go for a walk, speak to people, go to the beach and build a sandcastle or anything that isn't writing just to try and clear your head a bit.

I hope you find a way to try and move on from the people who criticized and judged you, or your writing. Don't compare yourself to others either as this will not get you anywhere or if you are thinking about others and comparing yourself to others you will not be able to produce anything.

If you want to write, do it because you want to and do it because you love to do it. I believe it will come to you.

If you ever want to chat or share any of your writing I would love to chat or read your stuff.

Sorry for the long reply.

One last thing, I love this quote and think about it sometimes when I feel down under about work and feel a block like I am not getting anywhere:

"You practice and you get better. It's very simple" -Philip Glass​

 

[Felix]

Caring too much about other opinios definetly works against creativity.

You work better when you're not seeking approval, when you're doing your own thing because something inside you tells you that you just have to do it.

Something that gives me confidence is having a mentor. Someone to look up to (which is very different from ripping off, most sucesful writers have someone they admire deeply).

When it comes to writing, I look up to Stephen King. Because I identify myself with his way of expressing himself. He has a wild imagination, he uses fantasy and makes it believable. His writing style is very direct, which I really like.

 

[Walley]

This is my opinion: I never understand creative courses because I don't understand how a tutor/lecturer can mark your work (grade creativity) or tell you it's wrong when I believe that a creative person can't really be wrong with their work just different. I also feel that creative work is marked based on opinions and everyone will have a different opinion so I don't really agree with creative courses even though what I am studying is a creative degree

only thing is.. you have to learn to walk before you can run. need to learn how to play an instrument before you are able to express yourself through it. learning some theory and being able to use it is what they grade you on. but yes... thats only part of the equation. creativity itself cannot be taught, but it can be nurtured and guided down the right path based on the expirience of others like any other skill.

 

[IgnoredOne]

As a professional writer - you just have to learn to suck it up. Its part of being creative, and its hard, because our writings are part of our own psyche and in every way, the children of our minds...and they will be ground into dust. Focus on the good and remember when people give you kudos, and appreciate the critiques when possible for the improvement it can give you.

Its the only realistic way to handle it, imo.

Still valuable to remember. And it still can block me sometimes.

switch: following in the footsteps of those greater than you is an effective and time-honored way of launching your own voyage.

 

[harmony]

Thanks for the replies everyone, you've all given me food for thought.

Hank - Rather sadly it's more than writer's block as college finished more than a decade ago. I've written one or two pieces since but nothing like I used to. Occasionally I have inspiration it's the fear of failing I struggle with. I agree with you that skills can be learnt. Talent can be latent but learning how to hook the reader, plot etc, is a skill that can be learned.

Switch - some really useful advice, thanks. I started the creative writing course because I loved writing. I was always writing as a child, in journals, notebooks, letters as well as stories. It was what I did and so it seemed natural to study it. I'm very sensitive about it and I guess it gave me a terrible shock when it was criticised and I never recovered from that. Now when I try to write all I feel is panic that I'll be judged, fail etc. I do have long periods without thinking about writing but I always get drawn back to it.

Felix - Yes I think you're right and that's my problem. I'm trying to write to prove something and that's not going to work!

Ignored one - Yes you're right too. I have to be thicker skinned, I know. My problem is that I try to hard and now I have a massive block around doing it. A few years ago I wrote a story based on a TV programme that I loved and although it was never going to win any awards I absolutely loved writing it and that was what mattered. If I can get that back the rest can take care of itself.

 

[switch]

only thing is.. you have to learn to walk before you can run. need to learn how to play an instrument before you are able to express yourself through it. learning some theory and being able to use it is what they grade you on. but yes... thats only part of the equation. creativity itself cannot be taught, but it can be nurtured and guided down the right path based on the expirience of others like any other skill.

I understand that. Don't get me wrong I have learnt and still continue to learn from the people who teach me and I have had lessons that have inspired me. I just disagree with work being marked down or a person being put down because a project wasn't as creative as a past students work or because the lecturer didn't like the idea/material used and not if you met the requirements or not. On my course we are pretty much left open to do what we want, there are not really many guidelines just deadlines. I had to state it was my opinion because it is only my opinion. I know it isn't the same for everyone or every creative course as we all feel differently and have different experiences.

 

[Walley]

i do agree on that perspective. as a musician i really dislike things like xfactor or those idol tv shows that make people compete. its like grading someone on a purely superficial level based on individual opinions of a panel of no-talent has-beens. the entire process of those shows is the opposite thing to do if you really want to find talent. i dont think anyone who sings or plays for the right reasons would even walk past those auditions.
also, ive taken guitar lessons and vocal training for quite a while.. but never had a test or a grade

 

[harmony]

If I could turn back time I certainly wouldn't have take creative writing, as genuine as my reasons were. I think there ARE good courses out there where teachers do encourage individual talent, but many don't and you end up judged by their standards of what is good or bad, right or wrong.