Fear of being judged

[BadGuy]

your reply came off as hostile to me ... maybe it comes off as hostile to others as well
some will just ignore ..some will look else where ..some might see it as you see it

 

[SofiasMami]

I don't get it, BeyondShy - you've chosen to reveal very little about yourself here on the forum other than a thread I recall about an ungrateful teenager. Your profile is virtually blank. Or have I missed something?

Is that so? I guess that's right then because you were the one who said it and you're never wrong. But let's pretend for just a second here that what you said is incorrect. What do I reveal about myself when I'm not asked anything? I'll be here a year come March and the only real enjoyable conversations I have had are with some people I talk to in private messages. Not out here because I'm not part of the little clique in here so all I get is the big freeze from people.

I'm sorry to hear that, BeyondShy. I hope your experiences here get better. I've read your thread on My Enemy is Myself (although I don't think I've posted in there, if I remember correctly).

It's a good thread topic, BadGuy. I can see it hits a nerve with a lot of people. Deep down we all just want to be accepted and not negatively judged.

-Teresa

 

[user 115627]

People got all the right in the world to judge you, the question is what for. In my opinion appearances and interests are no basis for an actual evaluation, but I think social behavior is. Even moreso if there's a consistent toxic/abusive/annoying pattern to it. Most people don't have time to get to know the "real you", so your (public) behavior will be a reflection of yourself. It does not matter what plagued you in the past or what your personal issues are. You can hope or beg for tolerance but nobody owes you anything. They are your problems and how well you processed them will show in the way you treat others everyday. I consider that a valid basis and frankly, it is good enough for me too.

But what do you do in your own four walls is your private business as long as you aren't hurting anybody. I got enough secrets I'll take to my grave and which I won't reveal to anybody. That's just the way it goes.

 

[Aisha]

People will always make judgments about others, there's no way to stop that. They make judgments about strangers and about people they know well. A judgment from a stranger can affect you, but it's that of those close to you that I think maybe worrying. As you get older there will be experiences that you will have that others will not, situations that you have to deal with and circumstances that arise that you may not want others to know about. It's a natural part of living. I'm quite an open book, but there are still certain things I wouldn't want to share. I don't have a fear of being judged. It is more the repercussions from that sort of judgment that I don't want to happen. There are enough variables in life as it is. I like some measure of control over my own life.

 

[Paraiyar]

168 hits but only 15 comments ...hmmmm

To be fair, bots view these threads a lot which could be bumping up the count quite a bit.

And I do have secrets of my own.

 

[BeyondShy]

I'm sorry to hear that, BeyondShy. I hope your experiences here get better.

Oh, I'm sure.

I've read your thread on My Enemy is Myself (although I don't think I've posted in there, if I remember correctly).

Well it's not a good of a thread as others in here but I do try to share some things. I brought that up to show you that I did reveal stuff about me in here when you said I didn't.

People will always make judgments about others, there's no way to stop that.

You got that right. I've seen this for myself almost every day in here.

A judgment from a stranger can affect you...

It sure does because it makes me wonder how they got to that conclusion about me. And usually 99 times out of 100 it is a negative assumption about you.

 

[dd11]

Well let's follow this through. Ok they judged you . Negatively. So now what? How does that change your life in any way?

 

[Paraiyar]

Well let's follow this through. Ok they judged you . Negatively. So now what? How does that change your life in any way?

I think what can sometimes eat away at me a little when I think someone has judged me negatively is that I have to consider the possibility that they did so for valid reasons even if those reasons aren't obvious to me. It can be very hard to verify that you're right in what you did, said or believe so for me at least, these questions can stay on my mind for a long time. It's something I need to move past.

 

[dd11]

We are giving away our power. Why do we allow the opinion of someone who really doeant even know or care about us to carry so much weight?
But how do you know they are judging? Maybe they are thinking of something else. Mayne they have gas. Who knows?

 

[BeyondShy]

Well let's follow this through. Ok they judged you . Negatively. So now what? How does that change your life in any way?

Well it does bother me when it happens. I hold on to the belief that I am just as good as anyone in here. That may be a wild and crazy thought but that's what I believe.

But how do you know they are judging? Maybe they are thinking of something else. Mayne they have gas. Who knows?

Not a chance.

 

[dd11]

It is hard if you think someone is judging you. Of course we all want good will from others. But often their sitting in judgment of you says far more about them than it does you.

 

[TheSkaFish]

I hold on to the belief that I am just as good as anyone in here.

Of course you are. No one ever said that you weren't. A lot of the time though, you seem to see threats where there aren't any. But when you strike at people preemptively, that's what puts people off of you. You have to just relax and take things in stride. You don't want to be known as the guy that yells at people or the guy who is paranoid, because then you will push people away and wonder why nobody talks to you. It's a vicious cycle.

I think you should open up more, like I said on that other thread. This is supposed to be a safe place for people to ask questions, to vent, to share their interests, to ask questions, or just to talk. It's true that sometimes you might not get many replies, or any replies at all but it's not personal. Maybe the forum is having a slow day. I remember there was hardly anyone on here only a few days ago.

Opening up might be a little risky but it lets people see other sides of you, other sides that they might want to know more about.

 

[Aisha]

A judgment from a stranger can affect you...

It sure does because it makes me wonder how they got to that conclusion about me. And usually 99 times out of 100 it is a negative assumption about you.

A negative assumption from anyone can be upsetting. I think the best way to deal with that is perhaps just to discuss it calmly and privately with the person involved since more often than not, it is most probably just a misunderstanding. But to be honest, judgments from strangers now only truly affect me if they have direct implications on my life- work, living situation, etc.

It is more the repercussions from that sort of judgment that I don't want to happen. There are enough variables in life as it is. I like some measure of control over my own life.

To me this forum is a diversion, as is almost everything about the internet. People say you have to know how to pick your battles and personally, I think I ought to know how to pick what matters to me too- and someone somewhere saying something negative on the internet that isn't going to have any real world consequences on my life.. doesn't really matter to me. That's how I see it anyway. It may affect me emotionally for a moment since I'm easily hurt, but it means nothing in the long run. The wonderful thing about the internet is that I can choose what I want to get from it, and if I choose to gain then that's on me. I like what is good about this place: the different viewpoints, the perspectives and opinions that make me reflect on my own, how lovely people can be if you give them the opportunity to show it and the benefit of the doubt. When I restrict that to all I take away, the real world effects are only positive.

Well it does bother me when it happens. I hold on to the belief that I am just as good as anyone in here. That may be a wild and crazy thought but that's what I believe.

You are just as good as anyone in here. I guess it may come down to focusing on the positive and eliminating the negative as much as possible.

 

[BeyondShy]

I hold on to the belief that I am just as good as anyone in here.

Of course you are. No one ever said that you weren't. A lot of the time though, you seem to see threats where there aren't any.

No one has to say it. It's just how I'm treated. I am extremely perceptive.

I see threats where there aren't any? Let's look at this thread and all my responses here. I didn't see any threats towards me. Some people disagreed with me because of what I said but that's ok.

I think you should open up more, like I said on that other thread. This is supposed to be a safe place for people to ask questions, to vent, to share their interests, to ask questions, or just to talk. It's true that sometimes you might not get many replies, or any replies at all but it's not personal. Maybe the forum is having a slow day. I remember there was hardly anyone on here only a few days ago.

I should open up more? That's not a bad idea. Hey, I got it. Maybe I'll make a thread inviting everyone here the opportunity to see for themselves my photo collection. That might work.

What am I saying, I tried that two months ago. The only good thing that came out of that was when people on the internet want to know what the term "Epic Fail" means they are provided with a link to that thread where I offered to show people my galleries. It gives them a nice laugh. It's been two months and I am still furious about it and I doubt if I ever will get over it.

I mean you even asked me in that thread if I would be interested in creating a classic car album. I wasn't because honestly I have no interest in it but I made it anyway. You couldn't even get back to me about it.

I agree with you on one thing you said here. This is supposed to be a safe place for people to ask questions, vent, get advice, etc. And it's a good thing when I see it happen. I want to do the same thing because like everyone else I got things that eat away at me but I don't believe I will get any help.

Blame me all you want but I don't forget things and I won't forget what went down two months ago.

Opening up might be a little risky but it lets people see other sides of you, other sides that they might want to know more about.

When I am asked something I will try to answer but I am not holding my breath.

A negative assumption from anyone can be upsetting. I think the best way to deal with that is perhaps just to discuss it calmly and privately with the person involved since more often than not, it is most probably just a misunderstanding.

It sure is Aisha. Especially if you don't have any self-esteem or self confidence. Automatically I believe I did something wrong again. And in here I feel like I am doing something wrong almost every day.

You are just as good as anyone in here. I guess it may come down to focusing on the positive and eliminating the negative as much as possible.

Yes I believe that will all my heart. And if I had any self confidence at all I would tell it to the handful of people out there directly that act like they own the place.

Thank you and you have a nice weekend.

 

[TheSkaFish]

What am I saying, I tried that two months ago. The only good thing that came out of that was when people on the internet want to know what the term "Epic Fail" means they are provided with a link to that thread where I offered to show people my galleries. It gives them a nice laugh. It's been two months and I am still furious about it and I doubt if I ever will get over it.

That's exactly what I'm saying. You believe it was a malicious attack, people willfully snubbing you. But I really don't think it was.

I mean you even asked me in that thread if I would be interested in creating a classic car album. I wasn't because honestly I have no interest in it but I made it anyway. You couldn't even get back to me about it.

Well, if it's any consolation you weren't the only person I didn't get back to. If I remember right it was a period that I was in and out of the house a lot because some friends of mine were in town. In fact I'm still catching up on old messages from that time, and before that even. All I can say is I'm sorry if you felt I snubbed you. It was not on purpose.

 

[Paraiyar]

BeyondShy, I have a tough time getting most of my closest friends to even take any interest in my electronic music, let alone getting people on the internet to listen. You've got to not see that sort of thing as being about you because the truth is that most people struggle with getting other people to take an interest in their creative output. It's just how it is and you can't let that get you down or take it personally.

 

[Aisha]

Thank you and you have a nice weekend.

You too, BeyondShy. =)

 

[BeyondShy]

That's exactly what I'm saying. You believe it was a malicious attack, people willfully snubbing you. But I really don't think it was.

Well maybe because it didn't happen to you but I really believe this is exactly what happened.

BeyondShy, I have a tough time getting most of my closest friends to even take any interest in my electronic music, let alone getting people on the internet to listen. You've got to not see that sort of thing as being about you because the truth is that most people struggle with getting other people to take an interest in their creative output. It's just how it is and you can't let that get you down or take it personally.

That's hard for me to understand but not really hard to believe. I think making music is a lot more important than what I have been doing. You can also touch a lot more people than these albums of mine can.

What I can not understand is why someone who is supposed to be a friend of yours can not take a few minutes out of their day to give a listen to something that you probably spent a good amount of time making. Just isn't right if you ask me.

 

[TheSkaFish]

That's exactly what I'm saying. You believe it was a malicious attack, people willfully snubbing you. But I really don't think it was.

Well maybe because it didn't happen to you but I really believe this is exactly what happened.

Believe me, I've been maliciously attacked on here several times, which is something I don't further wish to discuss. But I decided the good outweighed the bad.

 

[dd11]

I did kind of expect to get more positive feedback here.