waiting4u said:
I'm 42 and it seems like for as long as I can remember I have either been lonely or alone, and yes they are two different things completly as I'm sure you know. I dont understand who I am most of the time, my purposeor, or where I fit in, seems like I just dont fit in anywhere or with anyone. I dont know if Im depressed as a direct result of all this or dont fit in or have friends because im depressed...make sence? its the chicken or the egg thing! All I know is I'm always thinking about this, there has got to be a simple explanation for feeling this way or for that matter why I dont fit in anywhere or with anyone, alone/lonely all the time just aint cutting it anymore, I hurt deep inside my soul from this. Im always trying to figure it out to the point of completly breaking down, remember the end of godfather 3 where he looses his doughter to the assasin and he cries without making a sound with his mouth wide open, gasping for air, taking it all in for what seemed like 2-3 miniutes then lets go of all that pain he felt for loosing her, well thats how most of my nights end before going to bed, realizing that Im going to have to do it all over again tomorrow, same bat station same bat time Right?. Im not a soft man just a broken one, my soul feels empty, my hart feels broke and my mind feels like an unlubed machine ready to freeze up caused from friction and overload, please help!
Hello,
I have to start by saying that your analogy of your mind being an unlubed machine is brilliant and I feel that way often as well. Sorry to hear that you're feeling so down these days.
I wish there was some magic, cure-all statement I could say to alleviate all your negative emotions and feelings of loneliness. Hell, I wish there was one I could tell myself!
Unfortunately I believe the hard-to-accept truth for each and every one of us is that there will never be that one miracle statement, whether in the shortest forum post or the longest self-help book.
All that we on this board or the writers of those books can do is coax you and each-other to feel better about ourselves. From within you. From within us.
For that is the
only place it can come from and be genuine.
I will sit here and tell you, and tell myself, that you and I are good people and can do many great things with our lives. But that does nothing if you or I dont believe it.
If you want to move past your feelings of loneliness, you have to believe first that you love yourself, with your goodness
and your flaws, and are ready and willing to love others with their goodness and flaws.
And this is true for myself and every other lonely person. And if the flaws you see in yourself ever overshadow the good things (as they do for all of us sometimes), just know that I already know 2 huge good things about you even after reading your only 2 posts on this board: that you are a great writer and that you care about others.
Explaining your understanding of the indescribable-pain of the chararacter in Godfather went through when he lost daughter proves both those things in one shot.
And I also read your post in response to Caranna's story which is just further re-enforcement of you caring for others.
Furthermore, you've also demonstrated that you care about yourself by comming to this board for help.
I hope this gives you something to think about and maybe helps you feel a little better and a little more motivated to move forward with getting what you want out of life and finding love. It's out there waiting for you. Just like your screenname!
Take care of yourself and I hope to talk to you again soon. Peace.