feeling empty lonely and hopeless...

[nguyenmtony]

Hey everyone, my name is Anthony and I just joined this forum not too long ago. I just lost my girlfriend/fiance of 7 and a half years. I'm 27 now and i met her when i was 19. during the beginning of our relationship it was great we both could not get enough of eachother when we werent together physically we were on the phone with eachother. her mom hated it. Her mom is the jealous type of person that if she sees anyone that has something better than her than she will mess it up any way possible. her mom will always talk in her ear saying she will never be nothing and that i was worthless. after the first year of being together her mom kicked her out. I took care of her when her mom didn't want to do anything with her. after 2 years I got her pregnant. I found out while i was at work by her parents calling my parents(i work for my family's business and also she was still close to her father) I was scared this was when i just turned 21 and didn't know what to do but i said okay. but her mom had a different agenda she was talking crap about me and her and said my daughter isn't going to have a baby with big ears (i have ears that kind of stick out). So her mom forced her to get an abortion and she blamed it on us telling my parents that i didn't want the kid. after that ordeal we still was together and during the next year her mom got close to her again and was putting stuff in her ear saying that i was cheating on her and blah blah blah. so being easily influenced by her mom after that whole year past by she started to cheat on me :*(. it really hurt because i was engaged to her by that time. well to make that story short i found out and he was beating the hell out of her and blamed it on me while i never laid a single hand on her that way. after her begging me for awhile i took her back because she was my heart and we've been thru it all together already. everything was good after that but i always had it in the back of my mind she cheated so i would be verbally tormenting towards her when we would get in arguments. We always would make up and had makeup sex all the time so i thought she forgive me.(i found out just recently she didn't forgive me)during out relationship i spent around $150k on her as she did me(more around $30k on her end) bought her 3 engagement rings during our relationship(around $15k)everything was great for another 2 years we went saw eachother everyday went out almost every weekend and then my parents got tired of me going out and coming home so late so my dad kicked me out(we are an asian family and they keep us until we get married)so she took me in by that time she was living at her own house for about a 4 years(the first 3 years her grandma and cousins lived there also)everything was good except i couldn't find steady good income. she took care of me for about a year but i did whatever i could to make money. after a year my parents called me back to work so i went back to work then i wrecked my car a year later. by that time her mom started to show back around because her husband(my ex's dad) got arrested because he entered a blind plea for trafficking and got 20 years while the real drug dealer was her mom and she got probation.. so he took the rep for everything so she can be free(her mom is cheating on her husband as of this moment still with his money)her mom was talking in her ear the whole time im worthless because i have no car and blah blah and i would rely on my ex girlfriend to bring me to work it lasted awhile but her mom started wanting to go out so my ex girl listened and went out with her. so she wouldnt come home and didnt bring me to work and whatever so i can save up for another car.(this was after i spent every dime and we shot my credit). about 7 months ago my gf's car broke down and i coudlnt help her because she didn't bring me to work while she could have so she moved back to her moms house so her mom can bring her to work. her mom for about a week did bring her to work and then after that her mom wouldnt some days so it was hard on her. so after a few months of not seeing her and me calling her and she not answering i went walking to find her. that day i found her and she was pushing me away and i couldn't understand it because she would text me and call me sometimes telling me she loves me and just wait for her because shes trying to get her car fixed and she will come home to me. well that never happened she got her car fixed and then her mom wouldnt let her move back home with me. so my parents needed my help at work so they called and came to get me. I thought we were fine at that time because we started to see eachother everyday again and had dates i took her out and she took me out. after that fiasco about last december i resigned a 2 year contract with tmobile so we can upgrade our phones(i bought us both mytouch 4gs) because i thought everything was going great and she told me she wanted to marry me. we were seeing eachother on a regular basis and around my birthday (january 6th) her mom kicked her out again(for sticking up for me because her mom called me a piece of sh*t) and instead of calling me because we were going thru arguements she called her friends(and the guy she cheated on me with they started out as friends or she said)the guy pursued her even when she told him she had a boyfriend and she was happy. and ofcourse her mom had no problem with this guy because he's 21 and doesn't work doesn't have anything going for him. so i feel betrayed feel hurt my pride was striped from me and i'm still in love with her. i didn't talk to her for a month and a half didnt see her or anything(during the first month i was still in shock i was able to function but after that i didnt eat or sleep really for 2 weeks lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks.)so i went to see her at her workplace(she works at the mall thats where she met that guy)and when she saw me she told me she had butterflies in her stomach and she started to cry telling me she finally realize after she lost me shes in love with me still ,realized how much i did for her and regrets cheating on me and shes miserable and that he's cheating on her now. she also said that shes still my girl and still calls me her superman(inside thing between us, shes my kryptonite and im her superman)she tells me she wants me back and what could she do to get me back. i told her its gonna take alot for me to take her back but for starters she cant cheat on me anymore and she has to get away from her mom and that guy, his family and friends. she was like okay i'll do that. that was last monday mar.13,2011. for a few days after that she was instant messaging me calling me and all up until last thursday mar.17, 2011 and that thursday her mom showed up to her workplace and started to cause problems again. well that night we spent some time together she held and kissed me like she used to lookign in my eyes telling me she loves me and went down on me. that thursday i gave her a phone so she can call me more easily. but since then she turned off the phone i gave her and hasn't called or try to get ahold of me at all(yet she told me she was gonna try to come see me) so my heart is crushed and wished i would have listened to her about getting our apartment and telling her i love her more often.

 

[redrotary13b]

Dude.....

You're 27, paragraphs!!

 

[Sci-Fi]

^Ditto on that. I keep expecting an image to come out of all that text. Spacing after periods and () would help too. You have superhero references in there, I really would like to be able to sit and read it.

 

[nguyenmtony]

^Ditto on that. I keep expecting an image to come out of all that text. Spacing after periods and () would help too. You have superhero references in there, I really would like to be able to sit and read it.

Yeah, im sorry about the paragraphs thing and the superhero reference is a sentamental thing between her and myself :/ its been really tough without her by my side. She was my girl, bestfriend my bonnie to my clyde.

 

[redrotary13b]

And I don't mean to insult you either.

Can you please edit it?
I want to read it....

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

Wah wah wah, guys. It sucks to read a giant, tl;dr block of text without paragraphs; but I got through it, even will my lack of patience.
Though, it was really just a bunch of confusing, poorly regurgitated, and somewhat out of order drama; so giving any advice is going to be difficult...

The only thing I can say is that, when two puzzle pieces don't fit together, that's it. No matter how much you try, or even attempting to mash them together, the colors don't match. So, stop trying. Maybe it would be better for the two of you to remain friends, and go your separate ways. That much drama is not healthy, and you don't seem to like her family too much either. If she's got a messed up Mom, it's entirely possible that she's learned some of that messed up behavior herself. ( I would know, because I learned some very bad behaviors from my mother) If she hasn't come to terms with it at this point, and tried to better her life, she most likely wont. And, if this drama has been unfolding like this for as long as you say it has, it seems about time to give up, write a sad poem in your diary, and move on. :/

 

[nguyenmtony]

Thank you SkuzzieMuff for your input in things, i know its difficult to read but i'm in an emotional wreck at the moment. Yeah and I understand your point of view on that whole thing you said if she hasn't come to terms with it and trying to better her life. but wow :/ 7 and a half years of trying down the drain for really nothing but a slap in my face for going back to her. and trying to be the better person and helping her out, it just really hurts. I'm sorry about the paragraphs and lack of punctuations in the correct manor. I'm just broken at the moment and need to get it off my chest :/

 

[SophiaGrace]

1) Her mom sounds absolutely TOXIC. Actually she sounds as though she might have a mental disorder.

2) This relationship is toxic, probably via proxy of the mother. Your girlfriend would be a lot better off if she cut her out of her life for good. Seriously. =l

 

[nguyenmtony]

1) Her mom sounds absolutely TOXIC. Actually she sounds as though she might have a mental disorder.

2) This relationship is toxic, probably via proxy of the mother. Your girlfriend would be a lot better off if she cut her out of her life for good. Seriously. =l

I cant tell her she has to stay away from her mom I suggested it and she said she will but that will always be her mom. She said when we are back together she understands if I dont want to visit her mom but she will from time to time.then I told her i'll go visit your mkm with you because I love her not because I really want to and she said okay

 

[SophiaGrace]

You're right she has to make that decision for herself. Perhaps she can't see what effect her mother has on her. It does sound like her mother's toxicity is leaking over into your relationship and making it chaotic, thus making you ill with the toxic effects of it.

Is it worth it Tony? =/

 

[Thrasymachus]

You have a really unhealthy mentality. She cheated on you once that you know of, went back with that one guy(second cheat) and you still crawl back to her? What you need to do is ignore her, she is only a source of problems and find inner strength in yourself. Stop thinking you need her for self completion or to fill some gaping hole in your psyche. People who are predatory test out those they meet to find easy victims like you. You need to stop being a victim and never contact her again, or else you will continue to be abused.

I will tell you this, from reading your post it sounds you still pine for her. If you get back with her and marry as you seem to still wish for, it will likely ruin your life. You have taught her that she can take you for granted, abuse you, then play games and you will crawl back like a puppy. She knows you will always be there as a safety net, so she will continue to cheat on you with alpha male jerks and come back to you for financial and other support. For her you are #2 or even #3.

Also my ears stick out. Growing up alot of people called me names like dumbo and flicked me in the back of my ears during school. This is part of the reason why I am so unsociable and aloof today as a result. Eventually(way too late as adult) I requested longer haircuts, telling the barber that I want the hair on my side to cover the top part of my ear to conceal it.

 

[SophiaGrace]

she will continue to cheat on you with alpha male jerks

Here we go with the alpha male jerks again. Why not just cut out the alpha male and say jerks?

Otherwise, Thraysmacus I think you are right. He needs to decide what is best for him and what he wants.

I do feel bad for the girl though, with her psycho mother. =/

 

[Thrasymachus]

Sophia you have a lot to learn.

First off just the way people frame things you can learn alot. Nguyenmtony, framed his relationship to us in a way to justify continuing it. Sure he told us about the unsavory aspects, but he also told us about the good. If he was coming from a more healthy place, he would have already framed it that he wants to forget about this woman, instead of trying to invest us in the backstory of the relationship of his one and only love. He stated that he spent alot more money on her than vice versa, that he allowed her to cheat on him at least twice that he knows of, and he still seems to want her.

The reason why she is attracted to the other guy, is because he barely cares about her. For attraction you need push and pull. If you are always the more needy and clingy party it sets you up to for the relationship to be lose(for you) and win(for the other party) affair, it also makes you less attractive because you are too available and doting. Unless he forgets about this woman and learns to stop being a victim, he will continue to be predated on by either this woman or another.

 

[nguyenmtony]

the one person that makes me weak and strong is her. i dont know how she does it. im in love with this woman. i talked to her yesterday and shes telling me she loves me and it's gonna take a little time to get back into our relationship. i dont know what to do without her. i just dont know..

 

[SophiaGrace]

Why would someone care about someone that barely cares about them? Just curious what your answer to this might be.

I do agree that you have to act like you have a life when you go out and date others and that it makes you more attractive to people when they see you have your life together. Also, it makes for a more healthy relationship dynamic, where people don't use each other to fulfill their happiness (which is a heavy burden to carry). I guess I believe that if you date someone it shouldn't change your life too much, and that you should still continue on with your life. When the relationship becomes so consuming like the Original Poster's has, then it's probably a toxic relationship because there's barely room for anything else in the person's life.

On the other hand, I have sympathy for the girl, because, I have a father that is nuts. My father, if I were around him, he would tell me I was a bad daughter and ask me sneeringly why I am going to college (he has told me this on short visits i've had with him which are no more than 3 or so a year for an hour/less or more at a time). Then proceed to make me feel like a loser. Now, that is toxic. I managed to cut myself off from him by reporting him to child-services when i was 14. He never made me go back to his house after that, but it took THAT to make him stop making me visit him (which was emotionally unbalancing for me). I've also been in a toxic relationship before and know how confusing and all-consuming/ravaging it can be to your emotions. It's what I believe would've happened to me had I kept my father in my life. I was just lucky to have the support of my mother in dealing with him. If I hadn't had her support who knows what might've been the result of his toxicity towards me (which includes being nice one second and then SCREAMING at me to the point where I feel in physical danger). You know how some people can yell? Nope, not my dad, he goes into a full blown rage.

I don't believe in telling the Original Poster what to do. It's his life and he has to make the decision whether to try and help his girlfriend break off contact with her mother and thus end the toxicity that way, or break off the relationship and end it that way.

See my points?

 

[Thrasymachus]

The person who makes you weak or strong is you. You are thinking unhealthy. Half the world's population is women, she is not special and is just abusing you as her reliable 2nd choice. Take some time and work on yourself till you realize you don't need someone else for completion. Then move onto better options. You will ruin your life if you ever commit to her with marriage or children. Just take it as a hard life lesson learned and stop mentally obsessing over her.

 

[nguyenmtony]

very good points sophia and thrasymachus if it was that easy to cut ties with her i would have already done it but my heart keeps pulling me back to her because shes screaming out for help with her mom issues. She told me shes still in love with me and that shes trying to get her life back together and it will be soon and she wants more than anything to be with me

 

[SophiaGrace]

the one person that makes me weak and strong is her. i dont know how she does it. im in love with this woman. i talked to her yesterday and shes telling me she loves me and it's gonna take a little time to get back into our relationship. i dont know what to do without her. i just dont know..

Healthy relationships aren't consuming to the point where you don't know who you are without them. Just my opinion.

 

[Callie]

the one person that makes me weak and strong is her. i dont know how she does it. im in love with this woman. i talked to her yesterday and shes telling me she loves me and it's gonna take a little time to get back into our relationship. i dont know what to do without her. i just dont know..

Healthy relationships aren't consuming to the point where you don't know who you are without them. Just my opinion.

ITA

 

[nguyenmtony]

what is ITA