Ladysphinx said:
It feels like no matter the subject I always say something wrong, or once said realise it was not quite what I ment. I just feel like I don't fit in any where and that the why I see things are not the way they really are. It is hard to explain. Maybe I'm just really the idiot I think I am. I think that even idiots think I'm an idiot. Maybe it's because English is not my mother tongue. I don't know, and no one ever tells me.
First of all, you're not an idiot... if English isn't your first language and you still use poetically viable and functionally clear expressions like "mother tongue", you're no fool. I feel like self awareness and anxiety make it really hard to adapt moment by moment conversationally, because with every word it feels like a lot is at stake, but I wouldn't doubt that your self doubt is significantly less justified than you think... I'm getting to think that either, in groups, less conscientious people suspend their personal convictions (if they have them) and, without agonizing internal deliberation, comfortably express a more "homogenized" and less potentially insoluble behavior simply to ease the process of taking personal reward from social exchange, (and manage to do so without feeling like they've been "compromised") or, some people really couldn't be bothered thinking about what others want, and therefore what other's want from them... Basically, think of how many times people around you seem to say "the wrong thing"... it's probably more often than you would think. I find that if I think about how I would feel about some of things said by others if I had said them myself, I can't even fathom how displeased with myself I would be. What, for me, has always been so confusing, is how people manage to not agonize over the validity of what they say... and in not agonizing over validity of their expression preemptively, or agonizing over their own words retrospectively, they kind of validate the authenticity of both what they say, and their persona, because whether they're saying the right or wrong thing, they clearly weren't faking it...
I dunno, sorry...
PS HAH, for instance, here, because of the nature of what the forum aims to accomplish, I feel preemptively apologetic, just in case my words are in fact somehow counterproductive to aiding you.
