Flying the Nest

[Scootch]

So I've been seeing a guy for two years now, im 22 and he is 38. I love him very much and he loves me.... we maybe see each other two or three times a week at most though. The biggest reason for this is that he still lives with his parents.

After we'd been going out a while he got a lovely flat, I helped him choose it, I was so pleased as I thought I had helped him make a long overdue step forward. 17 days later he was back in with his folks.

He tells me he's happy where he is, and of course I love him so I want that. But I am at a stage where I want to spend much more time with him and really feel like we are in a proper relationship, and have our own space.... We've been through a lot together and he is the most wonderful person I have ever met, but I am worried that I might have to break up with him if he doesnt show any signs of wanting to move in with me, and as such, move forward with our relationship.

Am I crazy for hanging around?

 

[Sterling]

Honestly, you should break up. He's obviously not going to change, if he hasn't by now.

 

[Scootch]

Yeah I was afraid people might say that.... it's hard to stop hoping though.....

 

[Campbell]

It is alarming he only flew the coop for less than three weeks. Given his age and his relationship with a lovely woman, one would think he should seek independence and his own place so your relationship can evolve. Should you stick around, you should evaluate exactly what the draw is for him to live at home.

 

[ajdass1]

You should definitely talk to him about this if you haven't already. For anyone to be living with their parents at that age is unusual and not normally desirable. I'm assuming he is financially capable of moving out, since he's already done so?

If he absolutely refuses to move out, then maybe it is time to move on. Then again, maybe he just needs a push in the right direction. Also, what do the parents feel about this? Are they cool with it, fed up with him, clinging to him, anything in between? Depending on your relationship it's probably a good idea to discuss it with them.

 

[Poguesy]

38 and still lives with parents?

Get rid

 

[Tiina63]

The info you have given is lacking in some details, so it is hard to know the complete situation.
Could there have been a practical problem with the flat or the area it was in which he hasn't mentioned to you, and which made him move back to his parents?
Do his parents depend on him to care for them in any way? Are they elderly and/or disabled, and did his moving out send them into a panic?
Do you think that he might be having doubts about your relationship and is nervous about telling you?
If there was no problem with the flat, and if his folks are in good health, and if he is happy with you, then maybe the problem is internal, that he is not ready to make the break from home. If so, it might be better for you to look for someone who is properly ready for a relationship.

 

[Jilted John]

Don't waste any more time on him Scootch,he obviously likes his eggs cooked the way mommy does them!

 

[tangerinedream]

Holy honeysuckle, Batgirl. Failure to launch.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

o.o... The fact that he is back with his parents shows his lack of willingness to change and commit. Relationships are fluid things, so they are always changing. Chances are he would find a way to pin his misery on you if he stayed at his own flat.

Maybe you should move into a two bedroom flat. One prospect that I hate about relationships is that I need a space to escape to. A place where I can lock myself away and be alone. I also need a mate who understands that. It can be quite a shift to go from always having your own space to not having one.

So I say toss out the idea of getting a bigger place where there can be seperate rooms. Then I say you need to move with him. If he does not want to leave his parents house... well I had a roommate who told me he would move back in with his parents if I decided I wanted to live alone. Chances are you would not be a proper surrogate mother and the relationship would sour.

There are some things you can do. One is to dump him. Two, make being at his parents house a huge contrast. Do not be romantic with him when he is there. Be his buddy, do not cuddle with him do not kiss him, do not do anything. Then when you are alone at your place be hyper-romantic. Hopefully he will get the message. Three, do not change, keep being his sex toy and wonder why he does not want to commit.

 

[Scootch]

Very fair points and questions raised here.

My boyfriend is totally financially capable of moving out, his parents are totally independent and in very good health, the flat was a gorgeous quayside studio only about 6 miles from his parents place...

We've discussed it, he says he thinks if I had been around more he might have stuck it out. At the time I was very busy with work commitments and I couldnt spend every night there with him (i work strange hours). I didn't appreciate him passing the blame to me like that but it had an element of truth so I accepted it.

His moving out was never really supposed to be about my moving in with him however....it was supposed to be him making a move he should have done years ago. He still would have had his own space, I wasnt planning on imposing.

The problem with him is he is terribly incompetent in most aspects of life, he is very sheltered I admit. I fear that perhaps my lack of enthusiasm at becoming a surrogate mother to him was part of the failure.


I do love him,, but it is getting a little silly. I would like to be in a relationship with the potential to develop and I dont think that this is the case here. I am an intelligent, friendly, attractive girl and I struggle to understand why he'd let something like this jeopardise our relationship.... Im totally torn.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Who can say why people let things ruin relationships. We all do stupid things. Maybe you are just a passing fling. Maybe he is confident in his ability to get another attracitve young girl. I mean he got you. Maybe he sees you as desperate and that is why you are with him.. who knows... there are many potential reasons.

Then again, you could be setting your standards too high. I mean what does it really mean to "develop" a relationship. Why should he have to move out of his parents house to continue to develop your relationship?

 

[Scootch]

Am I supposed to move in with him and his folks? What if our relationship 'developed' to the point where we had kids or something? How are we supposed to have space together and work out whether there is a future or not when we can't be together properly? I need to do this to work out what exactly it is that we have.

And the biggest reason why he should move out - he's 38 years old and it's just plain sad!

 

[AFrozenSoul]

>.<... Aww man you make me play devils advocate again... ok. Why do you want to change who he is? I mean you love him right? If living with his mom is part of who he is then so be it right? In some cultures families live together for very extended periods of time. That is not typically a western thing though.

Why not find out why he loves living with his family so much... aside from having less living expenses. I mean you say it is just plain sad that he is still living with his parents... however you said he could afford a flat somewhere else right? So... this is obviously a choice, he is not a victim of circumstance. He can support himself and chooses not too. Why not find out why. However, you need to drop the That is just sad attitude before hand. Otherwise he won't open up.

Why not tell him you want to move in with him. Maybe the prospect of living with you will help him want to move. Your OP sounds like you just want him to have his own place. Why are you not moving in with him? I also have to ask what is wrong with your place? Why can't you two have intimate time there? Because the more I talk to you it sounds like you feel he is being wrong and you are right. Therefore it is your job to change him. Maybe he sensed that. I remember watching a sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond. Where Raymond's brother FINALLY moved out of his parents house. He had his own place and was relaxing enjoying the new-found freedom. Then his girlfriend came in. What did she do? She started making decorating suggestions. I mean the guy was on his own and now someone else wants to rule his life. So he dumped her. That could be you. Remember who wants to him to move, you do.

Based on your main reason. I say maybe you need to find someone else. Not because he is plain sad, but because you are. Taking a perfectly happy person and trying to change them because you think they are miserable.

 

[Scootch]

I just want him all to myself... I guess.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I have no problem with that. What better way to have him all to yourself than to move into his own place with him?

 

[soulseeker]

Making assumptions and presumptions will not help. And you seem to nurture notions your own which might need to be re-visited.
Relationships are not always about what you want. It is what can be achieved together as a team. It needs to be worked at, issues visited and negotiated, and both people have to come out of their comfort zone to the extend they can for the larger joy of unison. If they can't, well it is for the better.

Staying with one's parents at 38 is not a heinous crime. There are cultures where the son gets married and brings in his wife to his parents and stay as one big extended family. There are challenges, but advantages too. It depends.

You should talk to your boyfriend openly about your priorities in life and allow him to speak about his. And then see if there is a way for you guys to sort out and come to some agreement.

Falling in love is easy, making it work is a work of art where practical sensibilities should drive the bus.

 

[Tiina63]

Maybe he felt that you were trying to control him and run his life by getting him to leave his parents? (I am not saying thsat you were, just that from his point of view it might have felt that you were). If you had been planning to move in with him then there would have been a strong incentive for him to get his own place. But otherwise he might have felt pressurised by your wanting him to move, and as it may not have been his choice, he cut and run. It sounds as if he has difficuties in living alone. I don't like it either, so can understand if this is the case. Maybe he finds it lonely and sees no point to doing it when he doesn't have to.

 

[soulseeker]

There are myriad of opinions on what he is thinking and why behaving the way he is behaving, It would save time and energy to go talk to him directly.