SomeoneSomewhere
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- Apr 30, 2013
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The funny thing about this post is, I wrote a really long and detailed post in my head the other night when I found this forum and decided that I will sign up for it the next morning.
I'm not sure if I can type it out in the way that I had written it in my head but I will try my best.
So I have always been a loner as a kid. I was the kid who would never get picked for sports matches; who'd would pick a lonely corner of the ground and wait for someone like him so that he could pass his time and by the end of it, started hating sports classes altogether (and would prefer to stay in class, again, alone).
Ever since I was a kid, I have suffered from serious health issues - something that made me feel different than the other kids and stay to myself.
But that isn't where the "forced loneliness" comes from. I have had a few friends and surprisingly, I have always managed to find a few "birds of a feather" for myself.
A year ago, I was told that I had a deadly disease - one that is almost impossible for someone like me to have. Let's not get into the details but I got it by the use of infected products (needles) when I fell sick as a kid for the first time and was in the hospital for a good 4 months straight.
I could never befriend a girl in my life, as in EVER. I don't think that I have even had an intellectually fulfilling conversation with a girl. Now with my disease in picture, I don't think that I even have to mention how it makes things impossible for me.
I know. There are a lot of people who would say that there is nothing wrong with being friends with a girl and talk about "success stories" but I don't want to listen to them. I don't have it left in me to fight this for any longer.
The last 2 years have been really frustrating for me. It almost drained everything out of me. I got into college and seeing guys and girls talking to earn other, having fun and even being in love when I know that I can't have any of that...
So I accepted it, that fact that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to and I feel this diminished flame in me, wanting me to go and try again to build a life for myself but I know that I can't. I do not have anything to offer that would make a girl take a risk with me when they can get guys with everything that I could possibly offer, even more, minus the risk.
Finally, I think I have reached a point of solitude and made peace with it. I see people, happy faces and I don't feel anything. I don't feel like "I want that! Why can't I have it?!". I almost feel dead inside but I guess it is for the best.
I'm not sure if I can type it out in the way that I had written it in my head but I will try my best.
So I have always been a loner as a kid. I was the kid who would never get picked for sports matches; who'd would pick a lonely corner of the ground and wait for someone like him so that he could pass his time and by the end of it, started hating sports classes altogether (and would prefer to stay in class, again, alone).
Ever since I was a kid, I have suffered from serious health issues - something that made me feel different than the other kids and stay to myself.
But that isn't where the "forced loneliness" comes from. I have had a few friends and surprisingly, I have always managed to find a few "birds of a feather" for myself.
A year ago, I was told that I had a deadly disease - one that is almost impossible for someone like me to have. Let's not get into the details but I got it by the use of infected products (needles) when I fell sick as a kid for the first time and was in the hospital for a good 4 months straight.
I could never befriend a girl in my life, as in EVER. I don't think that I have even had an intellectually fulfilling conversation with a girl. Now with my disease in picture, I don't think that I even have to mention how it makes things impossible for me.
I know. There are a lot of people who would say that there is nothing wrong with being friends with a girl and talk about "success stories" but I don't want to listen to them. I don't have it left in me to fight this for any longer.
The last 2 years have been really frustrating for me. It almost drained everything out of me. I got into college and seeing guys and girls talking to earn other, having fun and even being in love when I know that I can't have any of that...
So I accepted it, that fact that I'll be lonely for the rest of my life. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to and I feel this diminished flame in me, wanting me to go and try again to build a life for myself but I know that I can't. I do not have anything to offer that would make a girl take a risk with me when they can get guys with everything that I could possibly offer, even more, minus the risk.
Finally, I think I have reached a point of solitude and made peace with it. I see people, happy faces and I don't feel anything. I don't feel like "I want that! Why can't I have it?!". I almost feel dead inside but I guess it is for the best.