Girls as Friends

[AFrozenSoul]

@VanillaCreme: It is not that I don't want a deeper relationship to develop. It is just hard to break down barriers with out something more intimate. I guess lying to myself and saying I just wanted to be friends with benefits with my last female friend screwed me up more than I realized.
[qB]@ i':[/B] The only distance between us is about a mile or so. I am just to scared to have her over to my place because it smells and is dirty.

The problem with getting women in my life is I don't know how to. I have a female co-worker who I work with. She claims she wants to marry me. However, I keep her at a distance since she is a co-worker, and incredibly attractive.
@shells:
Believe it or not I grew up around girls. My mom and two sisters. Yet I am still this messed up. Guess I should have spent more time around them. Guess I should just give up. I had 20+ years to learn and I didn't. I am just not emotionally mature enough to be with women, never was never will be.

 

[VanillaCreme]

@VanillaCreme: It is not that I don't want a deeper relationship to develop. It is just hard to break down barriers with out something more intimate. I guess lying to myself and saying I just wanted to be friends with benefits with my last female friend screwed me up more than I realized.
[qB]@ i':[/B] The only distance between us is about a mile or so. I am just to scared to have her over to my place because it smells and is dirty.

The problem with getting women in my life is I don't know how to. I have a female co-worker who I work with. She claims she wants to marry me. However, I keep her at a distance since she is a co-worker, and incredibly attractive.
@shells:
Believe it or not I grew up around girls. My mom and two sisters. Yet I am still this messed up. Guess I should have spent more time around them. Guess I should just give up. I had 20+ years to learn and I didn't. I am just not emotionally mature enough to be with women, never was never will be.

Dude, clean your house... Not only might it help the girlfriend situation, you will also benefit from a clean, sanitary house. And it may be hard to break down walls, but that's what a partner is supposed to do. The right one anyway. Personally, I don't understand how people want any kind of intimate relations without being close to someone first. It's supposed to happen naturally. It's not something you should do just because you know you want it so you get it out of the way. That doesn't break down walls; It puts one up. Because then, that's all she believes you will ever want from her. And then, nothing deeper will develop. It's a vicious cycle really.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@VanillaCreme: I guess I am just a crappy guy then. Only certain actions will break down certain walls. After all why should I just give out my heart? Why can't she earn it like I have to go about earning sex?

I also validity of it is supposed to happen naturally. One thing I have learned is that if a man does not put that possibility out there then the female will just assume he is not interested and move on with her life.

I guess I am just to immature to hold a relationship of any kind. I just need to give up on female friends and lovers. Just continue my streak of perpetual loneliness and masterbation. After all I clearly have no idea how to maintain relationships with people

 

[shells]

No one here is telling you that you are a crappy guy or immature. If it honestly bothers you that much, then do something about it.

I don't think getting to know someone means taking one extreme or the other. You don't have to wear your heart on your sleeve just so you can get messed over, and you don't have to have sex with a woman to create a bonding relationship.

It doesn't seem like you're willing to go out of your way create change or do something different. That's not immaturity, that's just laziness maybe even mixed with a bit of fear and resistance. I can understand that it's scary to step outside of your comfort-zone, but life is about taking risks, too.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@shells: It is hard to leave a comfort zone when the thing you really want is in that zone.

 

[shells]

Then at least be not only honest to yourself, but others, too. It may not be what every girl wants to hear, but at least you're not being shady.

Only certain actions will break down certain walls. After all why should I just give out my heart? Why can't she earn it like I have to go about earning sex?

I'm sorry, but I think that's bullshit. I don't think sex is earned, it's a mutual decision between two adults. Love also isn't "earned", and if it is, then it's most likely not love. I'd like to think that love is held in higher esteem than that. Relationships need honesty, trust, communication, and a lot of work. Work being the keyword here. If you're not into that, it's fine. A lot of people are into just casual hook-ups, and maybe you're one of them.

Just don't put on an act by pretending to be Casanova just to satisfy your own hidden agenda. It's manipulative and deceptive and is something to feel ashamed about. A high sex drive isn't bad. However, if an individual is fixated/addicted to sex to the point that they can't think of anything else, that's when a person should seek help on how to cope with that.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

@VanillaCreme: After all why should I just give out my heart? Why can't she earn it like I have to go about earning sex?

I don't think that the mindset of having to "earn" sex or affection is very helpful. I can understand someone who has been hurt before feeling cautious to the point of thinking that others have to earn his/her trust, but you know, the parts of a relationship are not things that you can buy or sell a la carte.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Then at least be not only honest to yourself, but others, too. It may not be what every girl wants to hear, but at least you're not being shady.

Only certain actions will break down certain walls. After all why should I just give out my heart? Why can't she earn it like I have to go about earning sex?

I'm sorry, but I think that's bullshit. I don't think sex is earned, it's a mutual decision between two adults. Love also isn't "earned", and if it is, then it's most likely not love. I'd like to think that love is held in higher esteem than that. Relationships need honesty, trust, communication, and a lot of work. Work being the keyword here. If you're not into that, it's fine. A lot of people are into just casual hook-ups, and maybe you're one of them.

Just don't put on an act by pretending to be Casanova just to satisfy your own hidden agenda. It's manipulative and deceptive and is something to feel ashamed about. A high sex drive isn't bad. However, if an individual is fixated/addicted to sex to the point that they can't think of anything else, that's when a person should seek help on how to cope with that.

Exactly, Shells. Love and sex aren't earned. They are something that just happens if the feelings are right.

---

@VanillaCreme: I guess I am just a crappy guy then. Only certain actions will break down certain walls. After all why should I just give out my heart? Why can't she earn it like I have to go about earning sex?

I also validity of it is supposed to happen naturally. One thing I have learned is that if a man does not put that possibility out there then the female will just assume he is not interested and move on with her life.

I guess I am just to immature to hold a relationship of any kind. I just need to give up on female friends and lovers. Just continue my streak of perpetual loneliness and masterbation. After all I clearly have no idea how to maintain relationships with people

Why should she just give out sex? That's the problem with most society today. Just expecting sex because it's just physical. What if it's something special to her, just like giving out her heart? But oh, you wouldn't know about what she believes to be special. Since you're just out to get sex from her. I honestly think it's a bunch of crap the idea of "I need sex to break down a wall and she should understand that". You need to understand how she works as well. That's why finding the right person helps. If she doesn't agree with how you work, she's not the right person for you. And you can't work your way around it to have something with her. It just won't work out in the end.

 

[SophiaGrace]

If sex is earned at all its via trust. Love, admittedly, comes only with time. You must let the relationship develop of its own accord and not force anything. If you try to force anything it has a chance of destroying the relationship.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

OK I am too lazy to really make individual responses to each of you. Basically what I am seeing is I need to stay away from women until I am sexually satisfied.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

OK I am too lazy to really make individual responses to each of you. Basically what I am seeing is I need to stay away from women until I am sexually satisfied.

Not quite. That's not what I am saying. I am saying that if you ever want to have a relationship with someone, you need to stop simply viewing women as a means to an end of your sexual gratification.

Sex shouldn't be the goal of a relationship, but a truly awesome perk.

So until you can start thinking that way, you'll have to look for women who are just as single-mindedly focused on sex as you are. They're out there, sure, but I bet they're outnumbered by the women who are more interested in something more meaningful.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Well...I have females as freinds. Most of which i don't really want to have sex with them or have a intimate relationships
with. There's some female friends I have that..it's kind of burrrrrr. We all know, it can happen if we want it to happen.

But honestly...i rather have a relationship with someone that's outside my group of friends. it's just me and what I prefer.
It's kind of like having a different flavor in my life. I need friends that I can go hang out with to get the fresia away from
my partner sometimes. Of course I'm going to be friendly or be friend my partner. That plus more.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Not quite. That's not what I am saying. I am saying that if you ever want to have a relationship with someone, you need to stop simply viewing women as a means to an end of your sexual gratification.

Sex shouldn't be the goal of a relationship, but a truly awesome perk.

So until you can start thinking that way, you'll have to look for women who are just as single-mindedly focused on sex as you are. They're out there, sure, but I bet they're outnumbered by the women who are more interested in something more meaningful.

Exactly I need to just leave women alone. They are better off without me. After all I am incapable of giving women what They want if they don't give me what I want. I just suck that bad.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

Not quite. That's not what I am saying. I am saying that if you ever want to have a relationship with someone, you need to stop simply viewing women as a means to an end of your sexual gratification.

Sex shouldn't be the goal of a relationship, but a truly awesome perk.

So until you can start thinking that way, you'll have to look for women who are just as single-mindedly focused on sex as you are. They're out there, sure, but I bet they're outnumbered by the women who are more interested in something more meaningful.

Exactly I need to just leave women alone. They are better off without me. After all I am incapable of giving women what They want if they don't give me what I want. I just suck that bad.

I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or sincere with this post. I am not saying that you suck or that you need to stay the hell away and torture yourself over it.

It makes me wonder why you posted this thread to begin with. In your first post, you said this:

I sit here and wonder why that is. Why can't I just be friends with her? Why can't I just see her as a person? It hurts me, because I feel this will ruin any relationship I could have with her.

Which seems to me to be asking for some sort of advice on how to change your perspective. Perhaps I am wrong about that.

But then you finished with this:

Any thoughts on what kind of a miserable person I am?

That seems to be a defeatist "Look at how horrible I am, go on and abuse me for it" type of comment. No one wants to heap abuse on anyone.

You seem to have acknowledged that what you are doing isn't working. By your own admission, it isn't even making yourself feel very good, but it seems to me that you are somewhat reluctant to change your way of thinking.

I am just wondering what it is you were looking for in this thread: advice, validation or abuse.

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Here's the difference between faith and belive. It's not a religious thing.
It's about having results and moving forward.
Having faith is taking courage and facing the unknown..the unknown is of course can be fearful...
Then againt it can also be excitments. It's the way you percieve it or process it.
Whatever fear, guilt, shame you have about having sex with a woman...
You're going to have to let go of those self defeating, self limitations beliefs.

Noitce my signature ?
I'm not going to ly to myself that's for **** sure. I have a very strong desire for a beauitiful woman and a desire to form a loving
relationship with her. And yeap, ******* the living honeysuckle out her is in there too. And I'm not going to feel ashame about it and about myself.
And yeap...you know I too have fucken millions of reasons and excuses, When I see a hawt beautiful single woman come across my path.
I'm actaully very, very picky about what woman I'm attracted too. So it's not like I'm going to chase after everything that has a pussy.
The type of women that I'm attracted to bascailly require of me to have fucken balls and have a lot of respect for her.


Nope...I don't have a desire to have sex with most of my female friends. They're just people with indoor plumbing to me.
I connect with them in other aspect of life. It helps me...becuase I'm capiable of connecting with women beyound sex.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

can't tell if you are being sarcastic or sincere with this post. I am not saying that you suck or that you need to stay the hell away and torture yourself over it.

I can't tell either I am in a very dark place. Torn between my sexual frustration and my emotional needs. I am currently too much of a wuss to... and hideous... to meet other women. So it hurts to see a door closing. Knowing that I will not get anyone else for years. Best to seize the day.

t makes me wonder why you posted this thread to begin with. In your first post, you said this:
[quo=AFrozenSoulte]I sit here and wonder why that is. Why can't I just be friends with her? Why can't I just see her as a person? It hurts me, because I feel this will ruin any relationship I could have with her.

Which seems to me to be asking for some sort of advice on how to change your perspective. Perhaps I am wrong about that.

But then you finished with this:

Any thoughts on what kind of a miserable person I am?

That seems to be a defeatist "Look at how horrible I am, go on and abuse me for it" type of comment. No one wants to heap abuse on anyone.

You seem to have acknowledged that what you are doing isn't working. By your own admission, it isn't even making yourself feel very good, but it seems to me that you are somewhat reluctant to change your way of thinking.

I am just wondering what it is you were looking for in this thread: advice, validation or abuse.
[/quote]I am looking for any, I think at the time primarily abuse. I have been told that if I don't hold certain doors open when it comes to women they will just close. I wish someone would agree with my final statement. No one wants to feels like everyone is just taking pity on me.

 

[cheaptrickfan]

I can't tell if you are being sarcastic or sincere with this post. I am not saying that you suck or that you need to stay the hell away and torture yourself over it.

I can't tell either I am in a very dark place. Torn between my sexual frustration and my emotional needs. I am currently too much of a wuss to... and hideous... to meet other women. So it hurts to see a door closing. Knowing that I will not get anyone else for years. Best to seize the day.

I am sorry that you are in this dark place. I've been in places like that, and it can seem like an impossible task to climb out, but I'm telling you that it can be done.

I am just wondering what it is you were looking for in this thread: advice, validation or abuse.

I am looking for any, I think at the time primarily abuse. I have been told that if I don't hold certain doors open when it comes to women they will just close. I wish someone would agree with my final statement. No one wants to feels like everyone is just taking pity on me.

First, don't mistake concern or sympathy with pity. This is just my opinion, but sympathy and empathy are motivated by compassion, whereas pity always seems to be tinged with superiority. I don't feel superior to anyone here. We've all had our personal struggles, our own demons to face.

Now I am NOT going to agree with your final statement. There is always hope as long as you want to make changes. It is easier to sit back and accept abuse because then you can stay in your cocoon of non-action. At least it is a comfortable "known." Anytime you make a change in behavior or mindset, it opens up a world of unknowns, which is scary as hell.

 

[VanillaCreme]

Just look for someone who's as sex-orientated as you are. And who doesn't care about knowing you first before laying down with you. There are women like that. I'm not saying this to sound mean, so don't take it that way, but it nearly sounds like you're preying on an innocent young woman. Almost like you're trying to twist her into how and what you want her to be. And then you want to come off as being the bad guy here. Doesn't work like that. We're trying to help you change your perspective, which is honestly what you sounded like originally like CTF said, and now you're just taking defeat like you don't want to change.

Which is fine. You don't have to change if you don't want to. However, finding someone who's a bit more like you would work better than trying to change someone else.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

@Lonesome Crow: That is another problem, the women I choose have their pick of men. Since I am a wuss I will never be able to have them.

@cheaptrickfan: Everyday it becomes harder to see what I want. I want to change yet I don't... I am just to ******* confused and lame to figure it out. So I just hide because I am weak.

@VanillaCreme: Yeah, I guess I do. Then again, I know I am no where near man enough or experienced enough to make those women stick. I know what I want. I want regular sex. My fear lies more in the lack of sex then it does in when I get it. Yes I want it sooner. However, as long as it is regular I can wait... for a period of time. Like I said, I need to be sexually satisfied before I can have female friends. I need to be sexually satisfied before I can make a good judgement on whether or not I can be with a female.

I know I should just give up. I know I should. I should just wait until the one girl who I loved comes back to me. Or I should just die... I won't get what I want. I want to be optimistic, however I can't be... I can only be realistic. I just need to get some anti-depressants that kill my sex drive and stay on those for the rest of my life.

 

[Badjedidude]

I can only be realistic. I just need to get some anti-depressants that kill my sex drive and stay on those for the rest of my life.

That doesn't sound very realistic to me.