@TheSkaFish, I wanted to apologise you for my post. You'll know which one I mean. I didn't mean to criticise and hurt you back then. Really. It was neither well thought through or well worded. Just another example of my poor communication skills. I was in a bad mood but that's not an excuse.
I can see that you've been struggling for a long time. It's heartbreaking. Have you ever thought about having some sort of assessment? I went to a CBT therapist to have a simple chat and it helped enormously.
Hey, thanks man (I think? not sure, lol). It's OK though.
At the time I was angry, but at the same time, you're also not really wrong either. I'm not a victim in the sense of, I'm not from a war-torn country, or even a bad neighborhood. And I haven't been abused or anything. There were some issues with a**holes growing up, but other than that, I didn't really experience abuse in any real sense. There are times where, I don't know. Maybe I do need to get tougher with myself. I mean, I know on some level that only I can figure this out for myself and I need to just do it.
Still, I have been becoming more and more aware that my background is in fact dysfunctional - and has become even more so over time. It's just not the obvious kind like drinking, drugs, or crime, though. This, plus having a hard time finding direction in life due to feeling like I have worse traits that make me worse at everything than everyone else/fears of being unable to meaningfully improve, let alone succeed at anything, and worse than I've felt I should be if I really am the kind of person that belongs doing a particular thing, have caused me to have lifelong issues with anger, depression, personality/identity, and feelings of inferiority - which I'm sure have also affected me in the relationship area of life as well. I never felt that great about myself.
I've been trying to untangle all this myself. I have lengthy notepad docs I've written to myself. I guess I've kind of been my own therapist. The older I get, the more I feel like it's really important for me to resolve this, I don't want to go my whole life under the weight of this narrative. I don't want to live down to what people treated me like I was, or felt like I was myself. I want to escape my family's (and my own) dysfunction and not make the same mistakes, but I also want to be an interesting person.
Anyway. It's forgiven, nothing to worry about.
How was the CBT session? What did you do, and how do you felt it helped, if you don't mind sharing?