Revengineer
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I have one. My best friend that I've known for... 7 years now? We live in different cities now though and we both too busy to visit each other these days... sigh.
Have you ever had a REAL friend?
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Sigma
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Yup, then he died.
ladyforsaken
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Sigma said:
*manyhugs*
MTrip
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Yes, I've had true friends before. In my experience they only come rarely & one at a time. A real friend is worth his weight in platinum & silk, & if you have one, help him whenever he needs it. If you have enough food in the house to make one meal & three dozen people in your neighborhood have empty cupboards, that special comrade is the one you share it with. Because he's the only one in the neighborhood who wouldn't stab you in the back just to get that dinner.
+1 on that. Since real friends are rare gems to find, frankly I find Vanilla's reply puzzling & rather naive. Assuming the worst of other people is not the most pleasant attitude to have, but in my experience I've rarely been proven wrong.
Solitary man said:
+1 on that. Since real friends are rare gems to find, frankly I find Vanilla's reply puzzling & rather naive. Assuming the worst of other people is not the most pleasant attitude to have, but in my experience I've rarely been proven wrong.
VanillaCreme
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MTrip said:
I don't expect the worst out of people, even with all the crap I've been through. I think it's a terrible way to be and a horrible way to live. Because really, the only person who's so affected by all the miserable behavior that someone who always assumes the worst out of people, is themselves. I don't plan to make myself miserable because of other people.
Sure, real, true friends are rare gems, no argument there. But they do exist. Believe it or not, not everyone has a facade. Not everyone has hidden motives. Not everyone is out to get you.
ladyforsaken
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VanillaCreme said:
Yeah. And that's when you will actually meet these type of people. Not all of them, but some of them. If you think negatively of others all the time, how are you giving it a chance for the good real people to surface to be your real friends, right?
MTrip
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VanillaCreme said:
It's not so much a matter of everyone being out to get you as it is that for the majority of the human race, if it comes down to a choice between the next meal & their honor, they'll pick the first option. Self-centeredness & not looking beyond tomorrow are the default conditions; real concern for others & consideration for those outside one's own tribe have to be taught. And not everyone learns such lessons equally well, or at all. I can't go through what I've been through & hold personal standards without, well, learning the most obvious lessons to start with.
As for being miserable: If you were really that happy, would you be in ALL to begin with? We're all here for some reason *lol* It's a matter of picking your poison, really. Sure, solitude has its downsides but you reduce or eliminate the possibility of further mistreatment & betrayal. Life is definitely simpler. These days the only problems I have to deal with (& solve if possible) are my own.
Locke
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VanillaCreme said:
I agree with this. Assuming the worst of everyone makes it harder to find good people.
I always try to find the best in others, even people who I don't like. For me it's about balance: I have social anxiety, so I always assume people will treat me badly or judge me unfairly. Some of them do treat me like that, but I've discovered that most don't.
yes, and i know she will never be replaced, she was called eve.....acccepted my addictions, didn't doubt who i am, she would see for herself, she loved me despite addictions, severe anger and depression.
she killed herself due to chronic pain, she was my precious donor, lover, soul mate, emotional yin/yang, mentally we were empathicaly linked honest to god i felt what she felt and vice versa...i withdrew she withdrew, i got sick she got sick, the day she did it i felt all the life drain out of me and i collapsed in the street at THE exact time and second she died the other side of town, due to the way she did it the time of death could be pretty much worked out to the second.
she killed herself due to chronic pain, she was my precious donor, lover, soul mate, emotional yin/yang, mentally we were empathicaly linked honest to god i felt what she felt and vice versa...i withdrew she withdrew, i got sick she got sick, the day she did it i felt all the life drain out of me and i collapsed in the street at THE exact time and second she died the other side of town, due to the way she did it the time of death could be pretty much worked out to the second.
Locke said:
I also agree... Even though I have a tendency of assuming everyone's an idiot until proven otherwise, I know this doesn't help me build relationships so I'm working on it...
Everyone has a facade... But can you blame them, really? It's just the way things are, I'm not 100% comfortable with that but I can't blame others for my own "lack of mask".
yeah i don't have a mask so people take me for too blunt or sarcastic, i just speak plainly, logically and to the point as i can, i try to throw a small joke in to at least attempt at making a friend the odd joke is the extent of my mask.
I'm honest that i cant work and have addiction problems if I'm probed on the subject too I'm just tired of hiding who i am, i was bullied sise i could talk to age 14 (first by my religioudd grandmother who thought i was 'of the devil' then at school as 'that weird kid that eats blood pudding and cant do PE outdoors, when i got to 14 i did meet a lad who cut himself and let it into a cup for me...after that i was a lot stronger with better reflexes so i got a lot better at karate (did karate age 10-15, got a black-belt and i now just keep up my form, training and fitness indoors) the bullies left me alone after i met my friend...went from looking pale and ill all the time to breaking breeze blocks at karate and putting on muscle
any martial arts buffs it was Bushido (zanshin) shotokan, a hybrid my sensei developed of the hard devastating strikes of karate with mental training exercises so you could for example block an attack blindfold...zanshin apparent roughly translates to 'total awareness' he also had a mental technique where he taught us to instinctively be very alert at high levels of adrenalin which in self defense he translated into as soon as an attack is senses to be coming your mind automatically picks out all the exposed areas and the most likely attack the opponent is going to try (never attack first)by being able to see a telegraph just by the guys arm twitching slightly before it moves, he also threw in a good few jeet kun do techniques he merged with shotokan, he was a master of both....brilliant teacher actually, it has saved my life on occasion.
that guy was a good friend at the time, when i was 14 i was in a self destructive angry state of mind and so was he...wasn't a true friend i couldn't tell him why i wanted the blood he just cut himself anyway, id say it was for art i'm making, ive had another lover and friend online who was so so close, we spoke all day everyday, knew each other inside out and shattered my heart monu-f'ing-mentally i sent her money all the times i looked after her in every way possible, i sent gifts...just all sorts
I'm honest that i cant work and have addiction problems if I'm probed on the subject too I'm just tired of hiding who i am, i was bullied sise i could talk to age 14 (first by my religioudd grandmother who thought i was 'of the devil' then at school as 'that weird kid that eats blood pudding and cant do PE outdoors, when i got to 14 i did meet a lad who cut himself and let it into a cup for me...after that i was a lot stronger with better reflexes so i got a lot better at karate (did karate age 10-15, got a black-belt and i now just keep up my form, training and fitness indoors) the bullies left me alone after i met my friend...went from looking pale and ill all the time to breaking breeze blocks at karate and putting on muscle
any martial arts buffs it was Bushido (zanshin) shotokan, a hybrid my sensei developed of the hard devastating strikes of karate with mental training exercises so you could for example block an attack blindfold...zanshin apparent roughly translates to 'total awareness' he also had a mental technique where he taught us to instinctively be very alert at high levels of adrenalin which in self defense he translated into as soon as an attack is senses to be coming your mind automatically picks out all the exposed areas and the most likely attack the opponent is going to try (never attack first)by being able to see a telegraph just by the guys arm twitching slightly before it moves, he also threw in a good few jeet kun do techniques he merged with shotokan, he was a master of both....brilliant teacher actually, it has saved my life on occasion.
that guy was a good friend at the time, when i was 14 i was in a self destructive angry state of mind and so was he...wasn't a true friend i couldn't tell him why i wanted the blood he just cut himself anyway, id say it was for art i'm making, ive had another lover and friend online who was so so close, we spoke all day everyday, knew each other inside out and shattered my heart monu-f'ing-mentally i sent her money all the times i looked after her in every way possible, i sent gifts...just all sorts
aspalas
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Not really. I've never told anyone about very private matters, like when I feel depressed, what causes it, other things. I sometimes wish I could but I always hide it and act like I'm happy. I don't really want to talk about it anyway.
E: now I think about it, I have like 3 friends who I really trust, and I actually divide my problems between them. With one guy I talk about my relationship problems, because he can relate to it. With a very close female friend I talk about how I've failed in highschool (although it's all good now, going to one of the best art schools in Europe next year), she can relate to that. With another good friend I talk about how I feel, because he can relate to it. But I still hide some stuff, I've never told anyone how much I'm suffering under my parents divorce, or that my dad is kind of an alcoholic and he has been suicidal and stuff. I just don't want people to feel bad for me, and I sure as hell don't want to talk about it.
E: now I think about it, I have like 3 friends who I really trust, and I actually divide my problems between them. With one guy I talk about my relationship problems, because he can relate to it. With a very close female friend I talk about how I've failed in highschool (although it's all good now, going to one of the best art schools in Europe next year), she can relate to that. With another good friend I talk about how I feel, because he can relate to it. But I still hide some stuff, I've never told anyone how much I'm suffering under my parents divorce, or that my dad is kind of an alcoholic and he has been suicidal and stuff. I just don't want people to feel bad for me, and I sure as hell don't want to talk about it.
Locke
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Felix said:
I don't think everyone has a facade. Those who do probably just want to protect themselves. The only reason I sometimes have a 'facade' in public is because I get so anxious around people. Sometimes I feel like I have to pretend that everything is okay, even if I don't feel it. That's not who I want to be though, so I make an effort to see the best in people.
I have a friend who I trust completely and will talk about anything with. I'm really grateful I found someone like that, I didn't think it was possible until recently.
Locke said:
oh yeah i got that mask i guesss, i constantly feel like crying, until i moved i had my suicide planned out to the letter but yeah i cry a lot of the day n do have to put on my 'blank' face
Locke said:
You and I say facade, but I don't think we are refering to the same thing. Is not lying or deceiving (even though it could be). Is just the public profile people use to comunicate with strangers, people in general who are not close to them. A set of social skills to succeed in comunication with others and to protect oneself, because everyone has something to protect, even perfectly well-ajusted extroverts. If you see a neighbour in the elevator you ask him about the weather, his new dog, how his injured leg is doing... that kind of thing. You don't talk about your sexual fetishes, the shape of your honeysuckle or how you wish he would move out...
Some people are more open than others, people like big celebrities can even get recognized for their miseries, but in general everyone keeps something from the public. When you study character development for writing, you see characters have a public life, a private life and a secret life.
So, to be more precise, I lack development in my abilities to connect with others in public in the adult world. I always wanted to be totally honest and I was too self centered to see and learn what other people were doing, how they bonded. Too much time jerking off to my imagination has left me with a nice talent for art but my social skills are underdeveloped. My inner self is rich, my connection to others is poor.
What I mean when I say I'm not totally ok with this mask thing is that I don't like having to have it. To me it's a burden. But I want to fit into society. And I don't have the power to change it... So... I'm trying to give in to the abstract subconcious rules of human relations. But it's hard for me to do that. I think it's a pride thing.
I didn't want to write this much... But hey... If you want to be more or less understood you have to be detaliled. If you want to be understood completly, you have to be the person.
It's nice to know there are other who struggle with the whole mask thing though. I've asked myself "warum fassade?" many times... It's like questioning air, it's always going to be there. So take a deep breath, like everyone else...
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M
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I'd like to think I have; but I just don't know.
Locke
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Felix said:
We do mean different things by 'facade'. I meant that sometimes I feel the need to only show the best parts of myself, that doesn't mean I'm necessarily deceiving anyone, just trying to hide my anxiety so I don't have a panic attack. It would have been simpler for you to say that you "lack social skills". That's something that a lot of people can relate to. I can understand why you would find social skills a burden. I think they come almost naturally to some people, and others have to struggle. But if you take the time to learn them a little, it gets easier.
Of course some people are more open, but that doesn't mean those who aren't lack social skills. You can have it both ways. As far as " everyone has something to protect" goes, I don't see what that has to do with making the kind of small talk you were speaking of. Small talk is simply a way to pass the time and get to know someone a little. I said "Hi, nice day, huh?" to a lady who was walking her dog earlier. It didn't mean I was protecting myself. I was just saying hi.
I think that you might be overthinking this. You can be yourself and still learn social skills. If you don't want to talk about the weather, that's fine, but a icebreaker is often necessary to start a conversation with someone. It puts people at ease. You probably shouldn't give up on protecting yourself completely, but just saying hello can sometimes open up all kinds of possibilities.
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