Hi - new here.

[T20]

Hi, I'm Terry and I've been struggling with loneliness for a year or so.

I used to be able to go out and have a good time with friends (I had loads of friends back then). This was about 4 years ago when I was 16 and I hadn't any worries in the world. It was only when I started getting depressed for a number of reasons when I realised that I was lonely. I went through many memories of me being with people, back then thinking that everything was fine. It's only recently I've discovered that things weren't good at all. I felt the same feelings as I do now, only now they're much stronger and more damaging to me.

I can make "friends", but I don't feel like I'm in their company, I feel like I'm just drifting with them not knowing where I'm going if that makes sense. I've never felt a part of anything even when I'm having a good time because I know that I don't seem to fit in anywhere. I can get on with people great but only when I put on a front and I know many people seem to do that. When I am genuinely myself, I'm aggressive, annoying and can be quite immature at times. I started developing a new personality that was "fake" to try and fit in with people and even though it worked, I knew it wasn't me. I don't know where I belong and I don't know where I'm going. I'm just drifting in and out with people and I don't know how they truly feel towards me.

I try and be as nice as possible to people but most take advantage of this, resulting in them saying/doing something to hurt my feelings. When I didn't put on a front, I was often aggressive, but this often made things worse.

The bottom line is that I can make friends but only when I'm not myself. When I am myself people think I'm a joke. I want to be able to change my personality without putting on an act to please others. And I really care what people think because I want to be able to get married, have kids and have genuinely nice friends. Where are these genuinely nice people?

 

[Garbageman]

Hey Terry, welcome I am glad you found ALL, hopefully you can meet some of those genuinely nice people here, there seem to be a lot of them here. There is loads of good information throughout the forum, and entertainment when your just looking to have some fun. Take care

 

[Locke]

Hey Terry, welcome to the forum.

Putting on this 'front' you were talking about sounds exhausting and frustrating, and it's probably not worth it. I'd like to tell you to just be yourself, but it sounds like you either see yourself as a really bad person, or you believe other people see you like that. I can relate: I usually believe that people see me as boring, stupid and weird. I sometimes even see myself as being like that. Logically though, I know that comes mostly from having low self esteem.

Could the same be true for you? I don't know you, so I guess you could be every bit like you say you are. I just wonder if you fall into the same negative thinking that I do. Maybe you assume that people will find you annoying, so it's you who doesn't give them a chance.

But maybe not.....

Anger and aggression is usually caused by not being able to cope with situations, but you can learn to cope without changing your personality or putting on a 'front'. Doing someting as simple as taking a deep breath and counting to ten might be enough. But what I've found helpful is to develop a kind of empathy for people (even people who are pissing you off). Just practice taking a moment to understand where the other person is coming from. Keep in mind that it's not about hiding or getting rid of your aggression, it's about finding a balance and not over-reacting.

You're only 20, right? You don't have to be all that mature. I guess if you want to be mature, you could try taking on more responsibility. But why not enjoy being young and annoying while you still can?

 

[Punisher]

Hi Terry

As long as the "fake" you isn't an *******, then you should keep doing it But don't stop being nice. You shouldn't change that part of you for anyone.

 

[EveWasFramed]

Welcome, Terry

 

[ladyforsaken]

Welcome to the forum, Terry.

Always just be yourself. But if being yourself isn't really being nice to people, well, try being nicer a little bit, maybe that would help. Being nicer isn't being fake or putting up a front though, if you know what I mean.

 

[T20]

Thanks for the welcome and being understanding everyone - it's nice to know there are people out there that can take some time out to help others.

I am a nice person, but it's difficult to continue being nice when it's thrown back in your face. Being myself usually results in me hitting out at objects, trying so hard to find others that genuinely care about other people. It just feels everyone in life is waiting for their turn to speak and trying to get 1 up on other people. I have given up on people around my age, they're obsessed with themselves and they only care about what's happening in their lives.

I suppose I'll continue being positive towards people even if it still means I feel alone. Thanks again though, I hope to help on here in any way that I can.

 

[ladyforsaken]

I am a nice person, but it's difficult to continue being nice when it's thrown back in your face.

Don't I know the feeling.

But you keep being nice no matter what, it'll eventually come back. As it has for me over the past year. I mean I still meet douches and dickheads but.. it has made me into a stronger person who can still be nice but better at taking care of myself so people don't take as much advantage as they used to be able to.

 

[9006]

Welcome to the site.

 

[Floridaguy]

Hi terry
Welcome.

 

[Scruffy]

It's alright to be fake, but of course its better to be your trueself. But, < The World is a Stage > everyone are actually acting in reality.

People lie(ACT) for a reason.
People agree(ACT) for a reason even though they hate to agree on it.
So it's alright to be fake but remember not to overdo it. Have a balance of both. Not everyone in that group are actually really fitted to be in, but they're just 'ACTING' just to fit themselves in.

Genuine friends are friends will come to you when you're in need of help.
I can tell you that, it's not easy to find these type of friends.
It takes time, so learn to be patience. Make sure you stay in contact with your friends or else things may get worse for you.

When a person feel lonely, in time, they will feel depressed, from depressed, they may get new disorder/etc. They're like package. You think positive, you will eventually speak positively, have more confidence in yourself and your action will eventually becomes a positive action.

Don't always stick to your old friends, learn to find new friends at the same time maintaining your friendship with your old friends. From here, you will have a bunch of friends and then you can slowly take your time to search for a genuine friend as you will have a higher chance because you have many friends by then. You have to find new friends to move forward as well. As long as you stick with your old friends, you won't move as far & as ahead as they do. But when you find new friends, there are things that your new friends will know that your old ones don't. That's the advantage there for you.

It's alright to be nice but don't overdo it as being too nice will eventually make people to take advantage of you. Life is cruel!
Being aggressive is fine but overly aggressive isn't good as well, people wouldn't like it and they will avoid you. In the end, have a balance of both.

Based on your first paragraph, I have a feeling that you might be a little over-thinking. Try to stop that or else you are stressing yourself about the many things that are actually fine but you're making them look terrible to you. But maybe it is terrible in reality, but, you got to be independent and deal with them.

You're only 20 this year, there's still plenty of time, so don't worry. Start changing now, and when you do, changing takes time as well, you won't change immediately the next day.