I mainly joined this forum because I'm trying to focus on my difficulties interfacing socially, which I think are costing me a great deal. I don't really know how to make friends with other people and I wish it was as simple as just being a total loner, but I do have a more outgoing side to my personality that doesn't really help me either. I think I don't really know how to be myself.
I'm mainly focused on how I think it would be helpful if I could learn to make friends with others, and how to be a good friend, because I don't feel like I really have anyone I can connect with, hang out with, talk to, etc. But I'm also aware on the other side of this that I avoid people and I fear people I don't want to be close with getting too close. I also value my privacy. And sometimes I get stuck in a persona that I don't feel is me because I adapt to those around me and rather than just being myself I seem to fall into whatever social role seems to be open (a space no one is taking). This would potentially be awesome if I was a social chameleon because then I'd have something to work with at least, but alas, I'm not.
I've been lonely, depressed and unhappy for a very long time. And I'm coming out of a long span of years where I just decided to lose myself in fantasy or television or things that aren't really living because I'd given up. And I'm not doing well psychologically. My self-confidence and self-esteem continues to decline, and my mind doesn't seem to work very well anymore, and I struggle even communicating. I've been falling apart/deteriorating and I've been falling out of self-awareness (out of awareness, in general, like I'm disappearing, I've even started zoning out a lot of the time), and I want to stop, and I think finding a way to exist with others is crucial in this.
I also really need to find a roommate to help with living expenses as I've also dug myself a considerable financial hole because I didn't care. I kind of gave up on the future because I believed there wasn't one (for reasons I won't go into). I sort of "interviewed" with one potential roommate recently and it became clear to me that I can't really even present myself in any way that would seem like someone who someone else would want to live with. I'm not good at meeting people because I can't talk about myself because I don't think there's anything to say and I feel like I don't exist anyway.
Anyway, you can probably kind of tell from this post how I'm really self-absorbed and not really oriented socially, and I really just want to learn whatever it is that I don't understand because I'm missing something. Perhaps it's that seeing friendship as something obtainable misses the point... and as long as I can't find the point, as long as I see things the way I do, I can't really get anywhere.
I'm mainly focused on how I think it would be helpful if I could learn to make friends with others, and how to be a good friend, because I don't feel like I really have anyone I can connect with, hang out with, talk to, etc. But I'm also aware on the other side of this that I avoid people and I fear people I don't want to be close with getting too close. I also value my privacy. And sometimes I get stuck in a persona that I don't feel is me because I adapt to those around me and rather than just being myself I seem to fall into whatever social role seems to be open (a space no one is taking). This would potentially be awesome if I was a social chameleon because then I'd have something to work with at least, but alas, I'm not.
I've been lonely, depressed and unhappy for a very long time. And I'm coming out of a long span of years where I just decided to lose myself in fantasy or television or things that aren't really living because I'd given up. And I'm not doing well psychologically. My self-confidence and self-esteem continues to decline, and my mind doesn't seem to work very well anymore, and I struggle even communicating. I've been falling apart/deteriorating and I've been falling out of self-awareness (out of awareness, in general, like I'm disappearing, I've even started zoning out a lot of the time), and I want to stop, and I think finding a way to exist with others is crucial in this.
I also really need to find a roommate to help with living expenses as I've also dug myself a considerable financial hole because I didn't care. I kind of gave up on the future because I believed there wasn't one (for reasons I won't go into). I sort of "interviewed" with one potential roommate recently and it became clear to me that I can't really even present myself in any way that would seem like someone who someone else would want to live with. I'm not good at meeting people because I can't talk about myself because I don't think there's anything to say and I feel like I don't exist anyway.
Anyway, you can probably kind of tell from this post how I'm really self-absorbed and not really oriented socially, and I really just want to learn whatever it is that I don't understand because I'm missing something. Perhaps it's that seeing friendship as something obtainable misses the point... and as long as I can't find the point, as long as I see things the way I do, I can't really get anywhere.
