hounded by past

[sneha]

everyone tells me , past is past u cannot change it. and i know for the major part , its true. but a past can play so much of a role in your present, especially if you had more failures then anything else. i dont know wat it is, whether its regret or feeling of failure or ,,,i dont know how to put it,, well,, its just that i am not happy with my present life. i am living like a vegetable. and i know i am responsible for it.. its as if nothing affects me anymore... some good happens, i have no reaction,,,something bad happens, i have no reaction... i am just existing without living. i spend most of my time on chat or facebook. it has made me more dumb then ever. its as if my memory seem to diminish by the day and my mind has become less perceptive,,,i am not able to understand things i read,,at first time,,,i have to re-read it again and again to understand. i am not alert anymore to my surroundings,, which is to say,,, something happens around me,,whether my home, or office or anything in general,,i am not bothered at all,,,i am just existing on day to day basis,,without any purpose,,,i sleep,eat,watch tv and chat. i have almost stopped going out anywhere.
i have put on lot of weight,,,i am 100 kgs.. i guess thats a major reason of my feeling this way,,and not going out...i dont feel inspired by anything,,and no amount of motivation works for me... i sit on the corner of my bed,,, doing nothing,, watching the floor aimlessly and i dont even know wat i am thinking,, when i listen to songs,, i hardly realise if i am actually listening to it,, its as if the song starts playing and it finishes as well.. and still i dont have any reaction,,, as if i never heard any song.. i close my eyes and i see a ocean of pictures running in my mind,,some are pictures,,,some are more like 3d objects,,as if i created them in my mind but they dont exist in real
in my mind i try to create an escape,,,from real life,,,like an island,,where im just alone,,totally,,and im just sitting on the beachside,,,no movement,,,no emotion ,,nothing,,i am just there,,,,like in a state of limbo..
i exist but i don't exist. few years back,i had couple of dreams that felt very very much real,,,it was as if i was right there,,,myself,,feeling the noise,,the vibrations,,the jolt,, its been more then 4 years and yet i remember that dream very clearly,,as if it occurred just yesterday.
in my dreams,,they are mostly related with water. sometimes there are seas full of storm,,sometimes there is a whole room full of water,,everything floating around me,,i am floating in that room, i cud feel the taste of that water in my mouth,,,and it was as if from other side of the room i was watching my body drowning,,,and i was very sure that i had drowned,,but after sometime,,,even though i was drowned,, i wasn't dead,, i was saying to myself,,i shud have been dead by now,,,im floating in water and no where to go,,,then why am i still alive... but nevertheless, i was still alive in that room.

sometimes when i have dreams,, its as if i am able to control them...its like...if i want to remember certain dream then before waking up,,i command my mind to remember it when i wake up,,and surprisingly i remember it,, say for example,,,one morning i had a dream and i wanted to know wat happened in the end,,so before waking up i tell my mind,,,u shud remember this dream and see what happens later,,,and then the next morning i continue the same dream where i paused earlier,,,and i am finishing it,,
i dont know what this might mean,, but i hope its not bad...
actually im pretty confused or just curious,,,,i mean when im seeing a dream,,i am fully aware that i am seeing a dream and thats why wen i dont like certain part of it,,i try to change it the way i want,,,as if im creating the dream myself.i create 3d objects in my mind .

although such dreams are rare now,,but they do occur once in a while.

 

[lomojojo]

Try to create a positive dream where you see yourself happy and surrounded of all the things you desire.

 

[It was Mine]

Water is used as a sign of emotion, like in tarot cards, it represents emotions.

It would be great if we could travel back in time, not in body but in mind, and take control of our past and do what we ought to make things right. But the grass is always greener. I spend every day of my life wishing I could go back...everyday...

Sounds Like your bored with your current life. Maybe your in a dead end job, doesn't challenge or stimulate you. Like they say, you only live once so why waste it doing something you hate/dislike doing. Hit the gym, you won't regret it. Here's a great site for routines and stuff http://www.myfit.ca/fitnessprograms/viewprogram.asp?title=Toning&programid=390

Do a hobby man, go learn stuff, watch some documentaries, read the paper. America's falling apart, we live in interesting times. Maybe photography interests you? I myself just picked up that one. It can be a lot of fun. I've taken up evening courses at a local school on anything and everything that interests me. it's great. And you meat a lot of interesting people. Remember change starts with you.


"Don't fear failure so much that you refuse to try new things. The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have"

 

[eris]

That is very unfortunate I do feel for your situation

but i want to tell you that I think you are experiencing Lucid Dreaming

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucid_dream

And youre not even trying, so youre like naturally good at it ><

HOW DO YOU DO THAT


I can become aware that I am dreaming, but I cannot control much . I tried to make things out of the sand, but it would not appear, it just looked like it was "trying to form". I can somewhat control the direction of my dreams, but they are still full of weird honeysuckle and I cannot control the "outcome" of anything.

I have always remebered my dreams in vivid detail...a little too much.



Lately my dreams involve mostly water, shoplifting, a downtown big city area full of abandoned houses.

tame-ish lions roam around everywhere, there are wild and dangerous leopards in the woods , and dead people have come back to life. They are sick, and have weird eyes.

I live in condemned houses that dont have utilities, or just on the street, or a homeless shelter that is really just a school bus or something. I travel the world as a homeless person. These ones really arent that bad

The ones where there are fish tanks are sitting everywhere full of REALLY ODD THINGS, and the sky opens up and turns BLACK with strange weather.....and babies turn plastic, those are not so good

I hate my messed up dreams.

Water means a lot of things. It means female, emotion. it means sex.

but it REALLY means whatever it is you personally think it means and the KIND of water is more important.

Is it bright blue ? Is it full of sea creatures ? Because mine is

(PS: I can breathe underwater)