How can serial killers get girlfriends but "nice guys" can't?

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Iceman & LITM, thanks - it has been a long time since i thought about it - for the DVP, they laughed at me and had to get a lawyer to get one - after the hearing, my lawyer jumped out of her seat, tracked down a sheriff, and had him serve her the divorce papers - you should have seen the look on her face - she started shaking and crying - priceless - she had the temerity to cuss out the judge in one of the later hearings and it was sooth sailing from there & they believed me after that episode - any way, i detest thinking about this again - so, for the first time in a decade or more, i am going to drink alcohol on a work night and probably get bombed - and probably not log on to ALLf for a week or two - i have a huge headache and did not need to think about this again just after going through a two week depression - yeah, i will deal with it, but now i need time to clear my thoughts - its a shameful issue for a guy to go through.
 
It's not shameful, Bones. And I'll tell you why. Because you came through it, alive and kicking. Don't ever put yourself down for going through something, because I don't even want to imagine dealing with it. The willpower and strength you had not to just whoop on her... I would have failed that first day. Perfect example of what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger, and it makes you a better person looking back and knowing all that you put up with just to get somewhere you knew was better.
 
Bones, I'm glad you came through that. Domestic violence is a vicious cycle that traps many millions of people.
 
talk about trauma... I understand why you say you feel it's shameful, but in fact it is kind of heroic, if we want to go back to literature, kind of Mr Rochester in "Jane Eyre" putting up with his crazy violent wife in order not to destroy her family, in spite of her regularly trying to kill him in his sleep, attacking him with knives. etc. It's brave and it takes huge balls. Anyway, hugs
 
You may feel shameful over it Bones, but you're a shining example to anyone who is in an abusive relationship that feels powerless to do something about it. Enjoy your time away, you deserve it.
 
Runciter said:
You may feel shameful over it Bones, but you're a shining example to anyone who is in an abusive relationship that feels powerless to do something about it. Enjoy your time away, you deserve it.

Exactly. Acknowledging that there's a problem is the first step. I've seen it first hand where the one being abused when argue with you while you're trying to arrest them.
 
Just goes to show that abusive ******** have an easier time in dating.

I don't understand it. Probably has something to do with the alpha male thing.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
Just goes to show that abusive ******** have an easier time in dating.

I don't understand it. Probably has something to do with the alpha male thing.

It also has to do with that women are used to guys that act that way.
I started talking to one girl on a dating site. She mentioned that she was wanting someone nice and stable. She was tired of dating guys that just ignored her and treated her like crap. We went on a date and she then told me that I was really nice, sweet, and actually talked to her but she isn't used to guys like that so she didn't want to go out again.

I have found women date the crappy guys and want to marry nice guys. But they marry the guys they date and say they will just change the guy when they marry them. Then they end up divorced soon afterwards since the guy won't change.

Disclaimer: No, all women are not this way but a lot unfortunately are.
 
Guys aren't two dimensional.

I think confidence is mixed up with a lot of good qualities, a lot of the time. Just because you are confident, doesn't make you a good person. A lot of confident guys are asshats.
 
You never change a person. For someone to change, they have to admit they have a problem, and be willing to do something about it.
 
blackdot said:
It also has to do with that women are used to guys that act that way.
I started talking to one girl on a dating site. She mentioned that she was wanting someone nice and stable. She was tired of dating guys that just ignored her and treated her like crap. We went on a date and she then told me that I was really nice, sweet, and actually talked to her but she isn't used to guys like that so she didn't want to go out again.

I have found women date the crappy guys and want to marry nice guys. But they marry the guys they date and say they will just change the guy when they marry them. Then they end up divorced soon afterwards since the guy won't change.

Disclaimer: No, all women are not this way but a lot unfortunately are.

I wouldn't say a lot either, most of the women I know haven't been in that kind of situation only a few of them.
 
Certainly not a lot of people get into that situation, but the vast majority of younger people do.

I think the women in their 20's generally who go for these types of guys, go for them because they are exciting and unpredictable. Then they see the error in their ways when they mature in their 30's, settle back, and realize they need a good man and not a crazy and wild and unpredictable guy.

Then there are the 50 year olds who still need a rock star.
 
Good man doesn't necessarily equal predictable and not wild. And a bad man isn't necessarily unpredictable and wild. I think it's ideals like this why some people just don't find what they're looking for.
 
Vanilla, not that I'm disagreeing with you, but there have been numerous studies on this that prove my point.

And in the animal kingdom, it is true. We are animals.
 
Yes...I've seen lots of animals that go for the BAD boy mates until they get older and then they go for the laid back mates.
I think rats and aardvarks are especially known for this.

lol :p
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
And in the animal kingdom, it is true. We are animals.

We may be animals but our lives have nothing to do with the animal kingdom anymore.
 
Who'll Be the Alpha Male? Ask the Hormones

The brain's secret mechanism for determining who comes out on top

Published on October 4, 2010 by Jeff Wise in Extreme Fear

Any time two or more people come together, one of them automatically and subconsciously establishes dominance. That's the reality of being a mammal. We're social creatures; a place in the hierarchy is a matter of life and death. We need allies to protect us, to fight with us, to groom us and help us bear and raise children. So our brains contain circuitry that automatically find a place for us in the social structure. Some dominate, others submit.

But how do our brains decide who will come out on top?

The answer lies in phenomena that take place far below our conscious awareness. Indeed, the circuitry responsible for dominance operates so deep within our brains that much of its workings are accessible only in occasional glimpses. All the rituals of greeting and etiquette, for instance, are functions of our automatic social circuitry: waving hello, hugging, and shaking hands are all part of the stereotyped behavior that cements our social bond with others.

I've long been mystified, at a personal level, by the way that some people, and men especially, seem to have a natural knack for command. They enter a room, and everyone seems to automatically pivot their attention toward them. (An easy way to tell who has established social dominance: when they talk, no one talks over them.) Some might imagine that a typical "alpha male" is going to be brash, assertive, overbearing. But in my experience, that's rarely the case. The men who can quietly command a room tend to be, not loud, but quiet: often, listeners, connectors, mild-mannered, and physically unassuming. What is it about these men? What gives them their seemingly mystical aura?

A slew of fascinating new studies suggests that dominance process depends on on the complex interaction of just a handful of crucial hormones.

One of the most important, rather unsurprisingly, is testosterone, the hormone of aggression and dominance. Now, testosterone is not a mind altering drug. It's not like caffeine, where you can feel that you're hepped up. But it's important in moderating behavior, especially by boosting decisiveness. When a sport team is locked in a tough match with a longtime rival, the testosterone levels of all its members will go up if they win. If they lose, their testosterone levels will plummet. This gives rise to the so-called Winner Effect, where athletes who are victorious become more likely to win the next time.

The level of testosterone alone, however, is not a good measure of a man's dominance. Its effects are heavily influenced by the levels of another hormone, cortisol, which the body releases in response to stress. A study just published in the journal Hormones and Behavior pitted men against one another in a simple competition, then allowed the losers to choose whether or not they wanted to have another crack at the contest. All of the men with high testosterone and low cortisol wanted to compete again. All of the men with high testosterone and high cortisol -- indicating a state of stress -- declined the opportunity. They were experiencing the flip side of the Winner's Effect.

And there's a third brain chemical that comes into play. Another important hormone involved in regulating social beahavior is oxytocin, the so-called "love hormone." When lovers cuddle or a mother breastfeeds, their levels of oxytocin shoot up. Oxytocin is all about bonding. People with higher levels of the hormone are better at reading the facial expressions of others. Not only does oxytocin tie the members of a social group together, but it plays an important role in moderating stress and fear.

In my book, I discuss a study which found that people who have recently had penetrative sexual intercourse have less social phobia when asked to give a speech in front of strangers. A more recent study provided an even starker picture of the importance of oxytocin: it found that people with a mutant version of an oxytocin-receptor gene were both less empathic and more prone to stress.

A man's status in the hierarchy, then, depends on a complicated dance of hormones that goes on at an unconscious level within his own bloodstream. And it all starts, not with aggression and dominance, but with empathy and bonding. A strong sense of connection to others in the group increases levels of oxytocin, which moderate stress and allows high levels of testosterone to promote competitive behavior.

When it comes to being an Alpha Male, then, the hormones tell the true story: it's more important to be a lover than a fighter.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/extreme-fear/201010/wholl-be-the-alpha-male-ask-the-hormones
 
That's all good and well Muse, but you seem to forget that all of those hormones levels can be changed. Want to be more dominant? Exercise some more, it will release more testosterone into your system thus making you an alpha. That is if you believe everything you read in psychology magazines.

Either way, this has nothing to do with the original point that Vanilla was making. "Alpha males," are just as able to be nice as they are able to be bastards.
 
There was a show on National Geo that one of the episodes was on how some people have the Alpha trait. I think it was part of a series of how we are like animals. In this, it was how we are like gorillas. They brought in a guy who is very alpha and is into psychiatry or something. He was the person hidden behind a camera monitor. They then brought in 5-6 guys. The job of the guy behind the monitor was to find who was the actual most dominate alpha. The 5-6 guys didn't know what it was. They were brought in as car experts that were supposed to be doing a project.
They then did multiple experiments where they would have them meet, or they would have to decide the plan of action for the process, or they had to work on a car, and also they brought in a cute female who was there to take pictures.
In all of the experiments, 3 guys stood out as alphas. But 1 guy in particular was the most dominate. He did slight things that would put him in the position to be noticed or heard.
The guy behind the monitor who was a real alpha type guy then went out and put himself into the experiment and tried to make himself as the dominate guy and the guy in the group that was most alpha kept trying to out dominate that guy.
It was interesting.
 

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