Hi there Jags. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply to this thread, but I simply have not been able to face this topic for a long time.
jaguarundi said:
Uh-oh! Looks like you are going for the "it takes 2 years to get over a break-up" scenario...
Simple rules for breakup,
1) go cold turkey if possible .. no contact of any kind and no trying to be friends.It hurts too much. Maybe sometime in the future, but not while its raw.
I have indeed gone cold turkey. I know she emailed me twice in the beginning of the year, but since I was still so angry and hurt, I didn't reply. I knew I'd only add fuel to the fire. I had already gotten in fights with her about this, and it always only made things worse. I figured saying nothing was better than saying something that only further made me look worse in her eyes.
I haven't checked that email address since at least March or so. The last message I got from her was a rant. I don't know why, since I hadn't done anything to provoke her. I hadn't been talking to her at all. If I logged in to that email account and found another angry message I'd feel hurt, but if I logged in and found no new emails from her at all, it would hurt just as badly. I simply haven't had the stomach to look at it.
I haven't ruled out the possibility of trying to talk to her again. But like I said, I don't know when I will be strong enough to try to do that. I think I need to get my life in order first, because if I suffer another setback, it's just going to make me feel even more sad and unmotivated and I'll just lay around doing nothing, and I don't have time for that anymore.
jaguarundi said:
2) think about all the things that you didn't like about the person and what wasn't working in the relationship.
Well, I always was aware that she wasn't perfect.
She could be very negative, pessimistic, depressing, and spiteful about people, life, and herself.
She was an atheist. I am not a huge church person myself (as a kid, it was always just another place I was forced to go like school, when I wanted to play instead), but, I have always found atheism to be too bleak and depressing for me. I like to think there is at least some possibility that we continue after life.
She drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed and who knows what else, and also had episodes of promiscuity. She visited strip clubs many times. She also told me that she had been a thief and had stolen cars before. All of this stuff was in her past (except for the drinking), but still, I felt, how can I trust a person who has done things like that?
She was also not the healthiest person, either physically or mentally. She was prone to feeling sick, so there is the whole problem of choosing a healthy mate. She'd get into these weird states of mind sometimes, not from drugs but just from how her mind worked. She told me that for a while she used to drink cough syrup to get high because she was depressed. She had been put in the psych ward at least once.
She told me she didn't finish high school, and was not in college as far as I knew. I was skeptical of her ability to make money, since that is something I have a hard time with myself.
She read non-fiction almost exclusively. This isn't a huge problem, except that it contrasts with me who really enjoys fiction. I wondered how she would feel about some of my interests.
Lastly, I always was bothered by the idea that what if I started dating her, how could I bring a wild person like her around my family and friends? I always worried how she'd treat my family, who tend to be on the nicer and more traditional side of things (which I am totally fine with). And I worried how she'd treat my friends. My friends are more modern in their beliefs and attitudes, but still, they aren't, you know, the "bad" crowd. Would she be nice to them? I just didn't know.
jaguarundi said:
3)Park what you did like until you are over them and can think about it without pain.
But there was still a lot I liked about her. Although she had all those problems, I was willing to forgive her because she was beautiful and fascinating and talking to her was so easy and free. She had a body that was just the type I like, and I've never seen anyone else with her face. She had a unique beauty to her - I have never seen another girl who looks like her. She was intelligent and artistic and cultured and we'd talk about philosophy and art and books and music. She'd say we should go to rock concerts together. She'd send me quotes she thought I would like or would inspire me. In spite of her "edgy" drinking/drugs/atheist/swearing/promiscuous side and in spite of her bouts of insanity, she also had a really sweet side that liked Disney movies and kids' books and parks and animals. She would talk to me in this really cutesy way. I asked to see her, and she uploaded a bunch of pictures of her that only I could see. It was nothing sexy, but it was just for me. She told me she wanted to hear my voice on the phone. She always wanted to know how I was doing in life and she always asked me my thoughts. She always seemed to jump at a chance to talk to me. She said she cared about me and that she believed in my dreams and wanted to see me succeed. She seemed to really understand the way I felt about life and what I wanted. She seemed to understand the things that were special to me and even told me she wanted to share in some of them with me. She would always beg me to stay up later and talk to her all night, she'd always tell me she missed me when I was gone, and that she wished I lived closer. She would tell me about all the things she wanted to show me and the things we'd do together and that she wanted to help me forget how "old" I felt. She'd tell me I was so alive. She'd tell me that I was sweet and sunny and shiny and she'd ask me if I was real. She told me that I made her feel happy. She even said she loved me and asked me what I'd do if she tried to get me to sleep with her.
I figured, she has a lot of flaws but everyone does. A lot of people these days drink, smoke weed, swear, are atheist, visit strip clubs, and have had a sexual past. It's not something I'm happy about but it's just the way the world has changed and it's getting harder and harder to find people who don't do any of those. I felt that it was worth it to overlook her flaws to try to be with a girl that I felt was uniquely beautiful and who interested and inspired me, versus a "normal" girl but less attractive and less interesting. I was willing to at least try to take the good with the bad, that's how I felt that I really did have feelings for her.
jaguarundi said:
4) use the anger to get fit/spring clean your house/de-clutter your attic.. Anything that's positive and useful and gives you a feeling f accomplishment.
That's what I did last year, and I got a lot done. I cleaned out my basement and really organized everything. I made lists, I separated things between stuff I would keep and stuff that I hadn't looked at in 20 years. I made a huge pile of everything from my past that I intended to give away.
You're right, cleaning did help for a while.
jaguarundi said:
5) if you catch yourself dwelling on it all too much, firmly but gently tell youself to STOP, and think or do something else for a while.
Some days are better than others. I keep hoping that she'll be single again one day and that we'll be able to work things out. I try to tell myself, you never know what could happen. People break up all the time, and people have changed their minds about someone they have turned down before. I haven't been talking to her so that we can have time to clean the slate and start over again. Mostly, I try to just keep going, keep cleaning and sorting and figuring out the direction I want my life to take. I know that if I open that email account and there is some kind of trouble, it's only going to knock me down again for who knows how long. I am truly tired of feeling this way because it makes me feel stuck. I haven't been drawing much or writing or playing guitar, I've been wanting to, but I've been feeling too down in the dumps over this to do it. I haven't even looked for work as much as I know I really should be. I haven't even played video games or my pencil and paper roleplaying game. I've just been in a stupor of sorts.
At least the warm seasons are here and I can get out and walk and ride my bike more.
I'm sorry if you feel blown off. I know you mean well. Thank you for lending an ear and for your kind words as always, Jaguarundi. I guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time.
