How do you get what you want without shutting everyone out?

[jc89]

I was bullied every single day in my (military) job. I didn't take it lying down, but it got worse and worse until I was kicked out.

I was without a home, so I moved back to my mom's house. I used my savings and unemployment to help out with rent and bills until I got an apartment in with my gf. I'm still out of work (I use the GI bill for school and rent; I don't have much left after my expenses). My mom still begged me for all of my money, even though I don't live with her. I stopped replying to her emails.

My gf is jealous, clingy and impossible to communicate with. I ended up breaking off friendships with my remaining female friends (nothing sexual ever happened or ever crossed my mind with them), partly because of the stress of losing my job, and mostly because she argues, screams and goes into crying fits whenever I talked about them. That's really the same behavior whenever I disagree with anything she does. She's beautiful and I used to enjoy our time together, but her behavior's snapped me out of the feelings I had for her.

I've reached the end of my rope for cutting people off. I don't think I have any friends or support left. This relationship is toxic and stressful. I can't deliver ultimatums to my gf, since she helps with rent and bills.

So that's my sob story, but I want to back up. The problem is, nobody pays attention to what I'm saying, or they have no fear of ignoring me. It feels like I have to accept being everyone's punching bag. I'm Spider from Goodfellas (the bartender who got shot by Tommy)-- if I play along, I lose, but if protest, I lose big.

I've reasoned with people, I've argued, I've yelled, I've stood my ground when the confrontation gets physical, I've followed through with my threats of legal action, I held my head high when I lost my battles. It just doesn't get through to people that I don't want to be disrespected or abused.

The only thing that's seemed to work is to cut off bad influences.. but I've shut out everyone, and I'm dependent on a loopy, controlling girlfriend.

What the hell should I have done, instead of shutting out my social circle?

I'm looking for advice, but I just need the opportunity to vent somewhere. 2011... it's been 4 years now of endless stress with no end in sight.

 

[SofiasMami]

Hi-
Sounds like you're going through some tough stuff. But I sense that you already have the answers and you recognize what's not going so well for you right now.
We're paying attention to what you're saying; you've found a good forum. Welcome!

Teresa

 

[queenwindbaby]

Hi there-I't hard to break it off if she is helping w/ bills but ppl will abuse us as long as we let them. Call a Domestic Violence Center-you qualify for help there. They will listen and council you, w/ you in mind. I was taught in an argument if you state the facts and keep your emotions out of it you will win and or be listened to. Try that. All the best to you and good luck. Let us know how it goes cause we care.

 

[DigitxGeno]

What was your mos? Being a 11B or 19D, can be pretty tough. Generally being in the military is pretty tough, because its so stressful and sometimes co-workers may take it out on you.

 

[A new life]

Sounds like you should pounce on any opportunity for counseling.
Especially if Ms. Not-so-right will go with you.

I completely empathize with feeling like nobody listens.

I feel like I get interrupted a lot.
And it bugs the hell out of me.

Should you re-think the Mom situation?
(we only get one)

 

[jc89]

I was taught in an argument if you state the facts and keep your emotions out of it you will win and or be listened to. Try that. All the best to you and good luck. Let us know how it goes cause we care.

That's really good advice-- which has been kind of hard to come by recently.

The mom situation is a little complicated. She's used her status as a relative as an excuse to lie and steal from me quite a few times. She'll always be this way. The only choice I have is whether I want any part of it.

I think I have more options with the girlfriend problem. I can either work it out between us, or find work and move away from her. She has been really supportive, but it's hard to appreciate someone who acts the way she does sometimes.

Maybe the root of my problem is my inability to communicate my wishes to others (I don't want to be insulted/disrespected)? Communication doesn't only mean talking or writing/typing, of course. There might be something about my appearance or body language that puts people off.

I worked on computers in the military. Hopefully I'll end up with a similar job after I finish school-- It's a field that I enjoy working in.

Thank you for the replies everyone.

 

[ChiCowboy]

Man oh man, can I relate to what you're saying jc. Not the details, but about people ignoring you. It boggles the mind, especially since I (for the most part) listen to everything everyone says. I don't miss much. It's not that difficult. Indeed, I thought it was natural to listen to what people say, regardless of who they are, what they're saying, or even who they may be talking to. As a meaningless but apt example, I was entertaining some friends who had just moved into the area. We were discussing local radio stations. I said, "The best station by far is The X, 100.1 FM." The very next day, 'Jim' said, "Hey!! We found this great radio station today!!! It's called The X. Have you ever heard it?" I just shook my head in disbelief. Not everyone is like this, but some people are. They just don't listen. An ex of mine has this problem, but she's clinically narcissistic, which explains that.

I wish I could give you some advice, but I can't. It seems like the luck of the draw is at play here.

 

[AeradaNasi]

I can't say about specifically YOU and YOUR situation because I'm sure I don't know all the details or your precise thoughts and feelings. I can only say what I would do.
I would wait it out a bit longer and finish school, while squirreling away little bits and scraps of leftover money. In the meantime, I'd be kind to her but increasingly distant. After school, I'd quite literally "take the money and run", leaving a note or something. After time to myself (a year or two?), maybe some dating and a few temp jobs; a fresh start, I'd reevaluate my position. Do I miss her? What about my mother? How's my standard of living? What do I want to do with my life, and how can I achieve that? Then, I might go back.
Hope this helps, just one option. Good luck whatever you do.

 

[Mr. Sir]

I was bullied every single day in my (military) job. I didn't take it lying down, but it got worse and worse until I was kicked out.

I was without a home, so I moved back to my mom's house. I used my savings and unemployment to help out with rent and bills until I got an apartment in with my gf. I'm still out of work (I use the GI bill for school and rent; I don't have much left after my expenses). My mom still begged me for all of my money, even though I don't live with her. I stopped replying to her emails.

My gf is jealous, clingy and impossible to communicate with. I ended up breaking off friendships with my remaining female friends (nothing sexual ever happened or ever crossed my mind with them), partly because of the stress of losing my job, and mostly because she argues, screams and goes into crying fits whenever I talked about them. That's really the same behavior whenever I disagree with anything she does. She's beautiful and I used to enjoy our time together, but her behavior's snapped me out of the feelings I had for her.

I've reached the end of my rope for cutting people off. I don't think I have any friends or support left. This relationship is toxic and stressful. I can't deliver ultimatums to my gf, since she helps with rent and bills.

So that's my sob story, but I want to back up. The problem is, nobody pays attention to what I'm saying, or they have no fear of ignoring me. It feels like I have to accept being everyone's punching bag. I'm Spider from Goodfellas (the bartender who got shot by Tommy)-- if I play along, I lose, but if protest, I lose big.

I've reasoned with people, I've argued, I've yelled, I've stood my ground when the confrontation gets physical, I've followed through with my threats of legal action, I held my head high when I lost my battles. It just doesn't get through to people that I don't want to be disrespected or abused.

The only thing that's seemed to work is to cut off bad influences.. but I've shut out everyone, and I'm dependent on a loopy, controlling girlfriend.

What the hell should I have done, instead of shutting out my social circle?

I'm looking for advice, but I just need the opportunity to vent somewhere. 2011... it's been 4 years now of endless stress with no end in sight.

^ Good Analogy.

 

[jc89]

...

 

[grainofrice24]

Get in touch with your old social circle. They haven't forgotten you. Your story sounds complex beyond my expertise what with being in/out of the military (props for that) and having a mother who leeches $$ off you. But if you think there is no saving this relationship then fresia her and everyone that looks like her. Don't be concerned for one bit if you hurt her feelings. If she pays the bills then do like others have said, finish school then get the hell away from her and never look back. If when you finally do tell her to eat honeysuckle and die it means:
a) you did it right
b) it worked

Best of luck sir. Much love and respect for being in the military.

 

[ardour]

imo you should try and end it with your girlfriend now and find another place to live.

She should be of (psychological) support, but instead she's using you because she's needy and as soon as the 'need' is gone, so will she. Your adrenaline is being spent on dealing with her and not on things you probably need to be thinking about.

What kind of military outfit allows continual bullying to occur? I guess that's a naive question.