How to cope with partner's wandering eyes for pretty women? Especially men...help...

[Luna]

Now before anyone sends me a PM or replies with "You shouldn't be complaining about anything because you have a partner.", granted - he has made life a little better for me, but the problems I had before are still there, and along with new ones that I'm trying to cope with. I am certainly not going to shove all of my issues on another person and selfishly expect them to solve them all. I have worked hard to meet new people and work on my interests instead of staying locked indoors and demanding that I be entitled to a better life while doing nothing.

I've had some small successes for the past while:
1) I don't think of my classmates who bullied/ ganged up on me everyday. I've spent many years being miserable and angry because I felt they robbed me of my youth. It was all 12 school years and the harassment was because of my (ugly) appearance and race.
I used to even "stalk" regularly some of them online and see pictures of them happy and living their life - all which made me feel more miserable and I would curse and hate them for being so lucky and for what they've done to me. Now, I've reached a point where I've come to accept what's happened, has happened. It's time to move on.

2) I've met new people. I posted ads online to meet new people.
Doing this was hard for me because I kept on wishing that I could meet people/ make friends in person; like at volunteering, library etc but it wasn't working out for me.
I actually had met a person online from POF (Plentyoffreaks IMO) few years ago which ended up me naively in his car, and him bringing me into his bedroom and pushing and touching me on his bed. That really scared the fresia out of me with men in general.
But I tried again for the past while on Okcupid and Meetup to make friends. I met my current partner there and I attended my first Meetup last weekend - and it went well. I didn't make any friends but I'll be heading to another Meetup next week.
I'm a shy person so it's hard for me, but I'm trying to get out there.

3) I'm trying to improve my appearance/ get healthier. I'll be signing up to the gym soon and am going to try to do some toning and exercise.

You ask: What's with all the positivity?

Despite all of my efforts, I still struggle with a poor self-image. It's definitely better than a few years ago, but the improvement is far too gradual and slow for me to be happy with myself, and also in my relationship.

Don't get me wrong, my partner is nice to me and I now have a friend I can go do fun things with.
The problem is, I just don't feel beautiful enough and I question his feelings for me.

The first few months were great! He couldn't keep his eyes off me etc and I had a lot of attention.

But few months ago, he and his ex starting visiting regularly and his eyes are never on me and are on other women when we are out.
He isn't as affectionate as he was before...nearly all the time, I have to touch him before he does to me.
He also has been watching more porn instead of being with me.
It all adds up to me feel even more undesirable and ugly.

I have already spoke to him on several occasions about this, and I can conclude from his response that:
1) He and his ex have an amazing bond that will never fade/ be broken.
The few times he ditched me for her; I was upset, crying and hurt over it and he still ditched me.
If it were me, I would have stayed to comfort my partner no matter how ridiculous his feelings were. Having a fun time with my ex would be a significantly lower priority.
I just don't know if I can measure up to what she and him have. He claims she's crazy, verbally abusive, and she dumped him - but despite all of this, he works hard to keep their connection when he doesn't do this for his other friends. She's something special.

2) After he became comfortable with me, or "locked me down", his eyes started wandering around. He used to comment to me: "That girl is a hottie, nice ass" "I'd bang her! Hey...I'm just joking" "Wow! She's georgous!" it really hurt me. I told him that there's no need to comment on how beautiful other women are in front of me...that if he wants those beautiful women, then he can leave me alone and let me find someone that's happy with me.
He does it much less - only does it now and again - and I still see him strain his neck often to look at this or that girl and he doesn't look at me.
I really wish it were like the beginning stages where he couldn't keep his eyes off me. He says he loves me but it seems like I'm just not beautiful enough to keep his attention.
Beauty is important to him...I don't know how it came up, but when I stated that it is unfair that society judges a woman's value on her youth and beauty, he agreed that that is what a woman's value is...then comforted me after I told him off that there's more to a woman than her youth and beauty.
I remember when he randomly mentioned he liked women with long hair (I only cut 6 inches, but it's still fairly long), I said I'm trying to grow it out and what would you do if I were a cancer patient? All I got was silence.

3. The porn thing, well, he apologized and said he'll pay more attention to me instead.
I don't mind porn - I watch it myself, but it's a combination of neglect, and his wandering eyes that hurt me.
He mentioned that it's ok to get your appetite somewhere else as long as you eat at home.
I hate that saying because I interpret it along the lines as wishing and wanting so badly that you could have a nice fancy meal...but you have no money to afford it. You have that chopped liver at home that you can eat out of no choice and cause it's there.
I don't see why it is so much to ask for me to be desired instead of all of these strangers. He certainly desired me in the beginning - I could feel his interest in me.
He's working on it...like being more touchy but because I had to confront him, I feel like it's forced. I'm trying to get over that though...I hope I am not right in this. :/
(P.S. If he's crazy for those porn stars with drug problems and horrible implants, I also plan on downloading some MONSTER COCK porn and brainwash myself to enjoy that honeysuckle to the point, that perhaps, I will have unrealistic expectations of how men should be.)

So to say that I am as happy was I was in the beginning would be a lie...but I don't want to mess this up if this is my problem.

He has done good things for me...he tried to change his classes schedule so he could see me more; turned down a higher paying job cause of the schedule so he could see me more; deleted "hoochies" off his FB and answers my questions, makes me dinner quite often etc.

I ask him if he's happy and he says he is...he says he loves me...but I just can't get over the feeling that I'm inadequate because of the ex re-connection, wandering eyes, porn etc. He's comforted me countless times, but there's no change and I'm not sure if it's him that has the problem - or if it's me.
I'm sure he's tired of me bringing it up, and I'm tired of me as well.
I have spent so much money on looking nice and also to get him to notice me...I can't afford to spend anymore. I've tried to "spice things up" and I've talked to him about what is it that he likes...he's happy with what he has apparently.

The common thing in all of this is that all of these problems started after I had sex with him. At the time, it felt right cause I was so happy with him and felt loved by him. I don't regret it, but I wish I could have waited much, much longer.

I think for most men, as much as they deny it, is that it's the thrill of the chase that keeps them interested.
I should have saved myself for marriage...that way, I would know for sure if he's the one.
Or if not - sell myself!
It's not like I sleep around...he's my first and only partner...it just breaks my heart to feel like I'm not enough.

 

[IgnoredOne]

IMO...

Its normal for men to have 'wandering eyes', for better or worse. Trying to save yourself might work, but only to an extent, because even if he never wanders before marriage, then his eyes will rove after marriage. Its just in our nature, I think, to glance at other girls. He shouldn't comment to you, but I don't think its entirely possible for us not to ever even look or think.

What does occur to me is to se if there's a particular 'type' that he looks like; for example, my tendency is always to glance at short and slender girls with blonde or red hair and some 'cute' mannerism. Since my girlfriend is like that too, it just shows that I have a continuing interest in her type, and would be very physically attracted to my girl.

He shouldn't ditch you for his ex, though I'm not sure what you mean by 'ditching'. I'll be more supportive, but I've had girls accuse me of 'ditching' for the weirdest things, including not sticking around in online games so my character dies when they do stupid things in the game. Suffice to say, its more important for me for my team to win than to appease my girlfriend's ego, in that case. Why winning isn't most important thing is something I do not understand, anyway.

Looking at porn is also normal. If he seems like he's cutting back for you, it does sound like he cares for your opinion.

He sounds like he's still figuring himself out and what he wants. In my opinion, you just need to be confident and set realistic boundaries on him on what behavior will make you happy, letting him down how far he can and cannot push. That's probably the best bet for long-term happiness. The initiation infatuation and 'puppy love' does not last in any relationship.

 

[vanderlei]

"1) He and his ex have an amazing bond that will never fade/ be broken.
The few times he ditched me for her; I was upset, crying and hurt over it and he still ditched me.
If it were me, I would have stayed to comfort my partner no matter how ridiculous his feelings were. Having a fun time with my ex would be a significantly lower priority.
I just don't know if I can measure up to what she and him have. He claims she's crazy, verbally abusive, and she dumped him - but despite all of this, he works hard to keep their connection when he doesn't do this for his other friends. She's something special."

I didn't bother reading more than that. I've had situation just like that where my gf chose her ex over me on several occations knowing how hurt i was.. and still ignoring it.

I know exactly what you mean when you say you wouldn't do this to him. In your head you probably cannot fathom why he would do such a thing towards you?! How can he be so insensitive?? Let me tell you, your instincts are spot on - he is in the wrong here! It doesn't even matter if there's anything betweeen them or not.. it's not about that, it's about her being an ex and your feelings. You are not okay with it and if he can't respect that he doesn't a) really care about you, or b) he has some serious issues on his own whiich are far too complicated to get into.

It took me a year to realize I should dump my gf. This is not about you measuring up to him/them.,. this is about him being a complete *******. Ultimatums suck, but give him one anyway. Tell him it's either her or me.

 

[Sci-Fi]

I'm just going to answer your question.

You can't stop a guy from having a wandering eye, we will look. What you have to remind yourself is that he is with you and not them.

And like you women don't check out other guys, you're just not as obvious about it.

 

[Luna]

Thanks you all.
I know it's a long-winded post, but it's my first RL and I don't have anyone to turn to for advice.
I'm not too sure how these things are supposed to work.

 

[SophiaGrace]

If I were in a relationship with someone I would not watch porn period. I would want to get my "appetite" from my partner. Of course if you were looking at porn for (hello) ideas, it might not be such a bad thing. but I would rather read a how-to book on (hello)ness than watch porn.

I think I am in the minority though. I don't even watch porn now because I feel if I did, then it would be harder to stop when in a relationship. I don't want to "want" someone else, I want to want my partner. I feel imagining someone else while having sex with your partner is wrong.

I also do not understand why your partner would sexually fantasize about women he saw walking around. That strikes me as creepy. I do look at people when I am out and about and I think to myself "oh they are CUTE" but I don't go to "omg I would so fresia them"

I mean, there's a difference. Right? >.>

 

[IgnoredOne]

I also do not understand why your partner would sexually fantasize about women he saw walking around. That strikes me as creepy. I do look at people when I am out and about and I think to myself "oh they are CUTE" but I don't go to "omg I would so fresia them"

I mean, there's a difference. Right? >.>

Is there? >.>

Well, there is for me. I'm a guy and I don't sexually fantasize as I see woman walking around; that would be distracting! I do appreciate other girls as pretty, though.

 

[SkuzzieMuff]

I do agree with Soph, I feel that people should be dedicated to the one their with, but most people don't feel the same way.
I've struggled with the same issues, I don't want my boyfriends to look at anything else, I want to be everything he wants and needs. So, I've had quite a few difficult relationships, but I think I've finally settled on a good guy. He feels the same way as I do, that he shouldn't need anyone else, and I don't deny that he doesn't look, but he doesn't make it obvious or go as far as saying he would want to "hit that" or whatever. -_-
And honestly, a guy getting that close with his ex again sounds pretty fishy to me. I'm not saying he's cheating on you, but he must be tempted to at least....

I think you've assessed your situation well, and you've very self aware. It sounds like you're doing your best to overcome your insecurities, but your boyfriend does not complete you as a person. If "wondering eyes" is one of your pet peeves, you shouldn't be with a man that drools and howls like a ravenous beast every time a hot piece of meat walks by, that will not help your situation. I hope you figure everything out, and everything turns out for the best in the long run. :/

 

[Peter Lorre]

If I were in a relationship with someone I would not watch porn period. I would want to get my "appetite" from my partner. Of course if you were looking at porn for (hello) ideas, it might not be such a bad thing. but I would rather read a how-to book on (hello)ness than watch porn.

I think I am in the minority though. I don't even watch porn now because I feel if I did, then it would be harder to stop when in a relationship. I don't want to "want" someone else, I want to want my partner. I feel imagining someone else while having sex with your partner is wrong.

I also do not understand why your partner would sexually fantasize about women he saw walking around. That strikes me as creepy. I do look at people when I am out and about and I think to myself "oh they are CUTE" but I don't go to "omg I would so fresia them"

I mean, there's a difference. Right? >.>

I completely agree

 

[SofiasMami]

But few months ago, he and his ex starting visiting regularly and his eyes are never on me and are on other women when we are out.
He isn't as affectionate as he was before...nearly all the time, I have to touch him before he does to me.

1) He and his ex have an amazing bond that will never fade/ be broken.
The few times he ditched me for her; I was upset, crying and hurt over it and he still ditched me.

It's not like I sleep around...he's my first and only partner...it just breaks my heart to feel like I'm not enough.

So, can I be honest here? These are big red flags. Huge. Giant warning bells are going off in my head right now. I've been in an few relationships like this that I should have ended way sooner. There are 3 of you in this relationship. You, him and his ex. Are you willing to accept this? He's made it clear that he wants her around and will ditch you for her. Is he telling her too that you're crazy, like he tells you about her? You deserve way better than that. It should be the other way around. He should be ditching her for you.
Sure, my exes were also nice and showed me some attention. Problem was, that I was so starved for attention that I grabbed any crumbs they threw me and used it to explain away their bad behavior.
If there's one thing I've also learned, you can't tell someone what to do with their relationships. But I can say that I am very comfortable with myself these days and I would not accept my man being friendly with and ditching me for his ex. He would be history.
Good luck and whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Teresa

 

[Limlim]

I will offer my own helpful piece of advice. Please consult with Minty if you want to know the locations of where to get MONSTER COCK porn. He has a huge collection that he's always trying to pawn off on us.

 

[mintymint]

I will offer my own helpful piece of advice. Please consult with Minty if you want to know the locations of where to get MONSTER COCK porn. He has a huge collection that he's always trying to pawn off on us.

Lim :club:

(Luna and I already share our collections anyway )

 

[SofiasMami]

Wow, I have a whole new perspective on you now, minty

Teresa

 

[mintymint]

Wow, I have a whole new perspective on you now, minty

Teresa

lol, i jest... or do i?

 

[Lonesome Crow]

Stabing his fucken eyes out is alway an option

 

[nerdygirl]

Wait, watching porn "instead" of being with you? Like, you're over there waiting for him, and he's rubbing one out while watching strangers go at it? And it isn't even live? And you think you're the one with issues?

If it was just him looking at other women and watching porn, I'd tell you that some guys are just pigs that way. You already know you have issues with your self image, and they could be blowing that out of proportion.

This ditching you to hang out with a girl he describes as abusive and mentally unstable? Topping that off with the fact that she's the one who dumped him... I am extremely suspicious about that. Why is he hanging out with her, anyway? He likes abusive crazy women? I would pose the question, "If he had to choose between the two of you, who would he pick?" However, it seems as though he's already answered it.

 

[PedroSilva]

Hey, Luna if this guy is with you is for some reason, if he went to bed with you, is for some reason...(besides sex)
that reason is he loves you.

listen, even my father have a wandering eyes ^^ adn they have a very happy marriage. my mother just "play" with the situation

So, don´t be afraid. It´s normal

 

[yesm]

I'm more the jelous type like you.

However in observing others...

I used to think it weird how my father and step-mother would people watch together. my dad would point out women he thought was attractive i can't remember if she did the same or just commented on his opinion... but she didn't seem to let it bother her.

as for your meal analogy... i'm sure eating cavior and the finest 5 course meals every day might eventually lead to you wanting to just pig out on a white castle slider now and then too... it's all relative...

not saying i don't have the same problem as you

but from what i know. these are all "thoughts" the end result of these thoughts is that he will leave you because you are not good enough/ some one else is better.

that is fear and lack of trust.

to trust is to be willing to take the risk of being hurt.
to "not trust" is to "assume" and act in accordance with what you anticipate.

the "truths" in all of this. is there are better looking woman than you. however, he is with YOU.

the "truth" of relationships is sex and affection are always going to dwindle once that "honeymoon lovey dovey phase is over"

i'm not much for advice cuz that's about all i can figure out... i'm pretty sure i'm just the jelous type and that's how it is and no matter how hard i try the bowl isn't going to float upstream lol it flows downstream...

take a break from the affection and the cravings. examine who you are really with. a partner can be many different things at many different times.... a lover in the bed... a room mate when they are taking a honeysuckle...

if the guy is seeing his ex a lot and that's not something you are ok with then you have two decision... say i'm not ok with you doing this and it will hurt me. or say, well this is going to hurt me, but i'm too attached to this man to have the strength to say... i don't want to be alone, but i don't want to be with some one and misserable and hurt...

don't cry about honeysuckle and be irrational though, that's unnattractive... your a big girl... make decisions, set boundaries, and give him room to make a few mistakes with trust, be forgiving with trust... and know when to put your foot down and say ok fresia this bullshit when your gut starts puking that trust up...

or you could be like my sister and call his ex and scare the honeysuckle out of her lol...

my sisters husband was talking to his ex a lot after they had their first baby and got married... he had his ex in his phone under a "guy friend's name" she found out about it and FREAKED THE fresia OUT and called the ***** up and was like "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE fresia YOUR DOING BUT YOUR REALLY GOING TO RUIN A GOOD THING IF YOU KEEP THIS CRAP UP!"

what's more attractive... a woman who can take charge and grab her man by the balls and say THESE ARE MINE... or a scared little girl that cries expecting daddy to cave into her will when she doesn't get what she wants...?

that's about all i have, good luck

 

[SophiaGrace]

Wait, watching porn "instead" of being with you? Like, you're over there waiting for him, and he's rubbing one out while watching strangers go at it? And it isn't even live? And you think you're the one with issues?

If it was just him looking at other women and watching porn, I'd tell you that some guys are just pigs that way. You already know you have issues with your self image, and they could be blowing that out of proportion.

This ditching you to hang out with a girl he describes as abusive and mentally unstable? Topping that off with the fact that she's the one who dumped him... I am extremely suspicious about that. Why is he hanging out with her, anyway? He likes abusive crazy women? I would pose the question, "If he had to choose between the two of you, who would he pick?" However, it seems as though he's already answered it.

+1

 

[Limlim]

Is that the case though? Just to be sure *are* you waiting for him while he's watching porn or were you not in the mood so he went to go take care of maintenance through other means?