Unknownperson
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- Nov 11, 2015
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Hi.
A few weeks ago I started to write a text trying to explain every detail of my life that lead to the point where I am now, but that was definitely not the right way. It always looked like I forgot something or that someone might misunderstand me anyway. So I am just going to quickly pin this down for anyone willing to waste their time reading it.
So here I go, short and simple. English is not my first language and I am writing this without thinking about structure too much, so please forgive me if some of this is hard to read.
I am 20 years old, male, uni student. I live in a flat with my best friend, lets call him Nick, since around half a year ago when we both started studying.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night and will probably do so once I finished writing this. I have always been socially awkward and never had any kind of romantic relationship. I feel seriously lonely, I need someone to hug and cuddle. Although I always had something like "friends" around me throughout school, when I got to know Nick 5 or 6 years ago I understood that I didn't even know what friendship could mean. He means the world to me and is the best person I ever had the pleasure of meeting. Not only do our opinions on nearly everything match up perfectly, we also spend very much time together, frequently laugh so hard we fall to the ground and genuinely care for each other.
2 or 3 years ago I realized that I was falling in love with him, and what started as a funny thought is now dominating my every day's mind and is at the same time my deepest and best kept secret.
I am in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do. Most of the time I am pretty sure that he doesn't feel the same, judging from his reactions. Some other times, he searches physical contact, like laying his legs across me on the sofa or whatever and hope comes up. (He only had one short relationship with a girl that only lasted a few weeks)
But no matter how much I crave for a romantic relationship with him, I don't intend to risk this wonderful friendship of ours or make it awkward in any way by laying out my feelings. I would simply die if I lost him and I'm not talking about suicide. I just wouldn't survive the pain.
What I find really odd is that I didn't and still don't really perceive myself as gay or even bisexual. I am sexually attracted by women, had serious crushes on one or two girls, and haven't met or seen a guy that I find arousing or sexually attracting, except for Nick. I don't seriously believe that Nick and me are ever gonna end up together and I try my very best to let go of the love aspect. (Which is pretty hard since we spend most of our free time together and live in the same apartment).
And that is where a second person gets important, let's call her Anna. Anna is a friend of mine who I developed a crush on. This crush has been going on for a bit over a year now and although I believe that she might be into me as well, I don't have the confidence to make a move. We got pretty close last spring, which for me means her head rested on my shoulder for some time. We meet relatively frequently together with other friends and text much. The few times when only the two of us met, nothing ever happened because none of us dared to make a move. I'm going to her place next weekend to watch new episodes of a series we both enjoy. I hope it all just works out and my heart can rest for a while.
I don't know what to do, and all of this probably sounds like the standard teenager crap. Maybe it is. But the effects of it are too real to not seek help. I become more and more depressive, tell myself that I won't ever be able to find a partner. I even have suicidal thoughts from time to time. The only person in real life I trust enough to share this kind of stuff is Nick, and I can't tell him for obvious reasons.
Re-reading what I just wrote, this doesn't cover everything and most likely will not be understood completely right. But thats ok. Thank you very much for reading, kind stranger. I just needed to get it off my chest, talk about Nick and everything and there it is.
Good night.
A few weeks ago I started to write a text trying to explain every detail of my life that lead to the point where I am now, but that was definitely not the right way. It always looked like I forgot something or that someone might misunderstand me anyway. So I am just going to quickly pin this down for anyone willing to waste their time reading it.
So here I go, short and simple. English is not my first language and I am writing this without thinking about structure too much, so please forgive me if some of this is hard to read.
I am 20 years old, male, uni student. I live in a flat with my best friend, lets call him Nick, since around half a year ago when we both started studying.
I cry myself to sleep almost every night and will probably do so once I finished writing this. I have always been socially awkward and never had any kind of romantic relationship. I feel seriously lonely, I need someone to hug and cuddle. Although I always had something like "friends" around me throughout school, when I got to know Nick 5 or 6 years ago I understood that I didn't even know what friendship could mean. He means the world to me and is the best person I ever had the pleasure of meeting. Not only do our opinions on nearly everything match up perfectly, we also spend very much time together, frequently laugh so hard we fall to the ground and genuinely care for each other.
2 or 3 years ago I realized that I was falling in love with him, and what started as a funny thought is now dominating my every day's mind and is at the same time my deepest and best kept secret.
I am in love with my best friend and I don't know what to do. Most of the time I am pretty sure that he doesn't feel the same, judging from his reactions. Some other times, he searches physical contact, like laying his legs across me on the sofa or whatever and hope comes up. (He only had one short relationship with a girl that only lasted a few weeks)
But no matter how much I crave for a romantic relationship with him, I don't intend to risk this wonderful friendship of ours or make it awkward in any way by laying out my feelings. I would simply die if I lost him and I'm not talking about suicide. I just wouldn't survive the pain.
What I find really odd is that I didn't and still don't really perceive myself as gay or even bisexual. I am sexually attracted by women, had serious crushes on one or two girls, and haven't met or seen a guy that I find arousing or sexually attracting, except for Nick. I don't seriously believe that Nick and me are ever gonna end up together and I try my very best to let go of the love aspect. (Which is pretty hard since we spend most of our free time together and live in the same apartment).
And that is where a second person gets important, let's call her Anna. Anna is a friend of mine who I developed a crush on. This crush has been going on for a bit over a year now and although I believe that she might be into me as well, I don't have the confidence to make a move. We got pretty close last spring, which for me means her head rested on my shoulder for some time. We meet relatively frequently together with other friends and text much. The few times when only the two of us met, nothing ever happened because none of us dared to make a move. I'm going to her place next weekend to watch new episodes of a series we both enjoy. I hope it all just works out and my heart can rest for a while.
I don't know what to do, and all of this probably sounds like the standard teenager crap. Maybe it is. But the effects of it are too real to not seek help. I become more and more depressive, tell myself that I won't ever be able to find a partner. I even have suicidal thoughts from time to time. The only person in real life I trust enough to share this kind of stuff is Nick, and I can't tell him for obvious reasons.
Re-reading what I just wrote, this doesn't cover everything and most likely will not be understood completely right. But thats ok. Thank you very much for reading, kind stranger. I just needed to get it off my chest, talk about Nick and everything and there it is.
Good night.