I am pretty sure that I am beyond repair

[AFrozenSoul]

So last night I was hit with another round of how screwed up I am. I think I have talked about this before, but you know I have to repeat myself sometimes and I do not care about that fact. ANYWAY, how screwed up am I? Well I was catching up on a TV show and there was a scene of implied sex between a male and a female. You know implied, kissing, and maybe lose an article or two of clothing then cut to the end with one getting dressed or them lying in bed. Then seeing that I became extremely depressed.

So I guess I have to show why this makes me screwed up. Anyone might say that being lonely will cause these feelings. No, the reason why I say I am screwed up is because I can watch porn and not feel a thing. That is why I feel I am extremely screwed up. I mean I can watch porn rub one one out and then not feel anything. However, whenever I watch a TV show which generally just puts stuff like that in as fan service for the audience. I get upset and depressed and suddenly start thinking about the way to kill myself tonight. Lucky for me my kitty comes running around wanting love and I am reminded she needs to make it to the end of her life first. That is the problem with me. I still care so very much about my kitty that she is the reason I am not going to die.

It is not just on TV either no of course it is not just TV. It happens in real life as well. Not that I have seen couple attack each other and throw their cloths off. In real life the magnitude is worse. All I have to see is a couple just kind of cuddling and being affectionate to have another surge of depression kick me down to the ground and ruin my day. I mean you know it is bad when the only thing that will block those feelings is a really high BAC... and even then that does not happen very often with me. Even then the BAC has to be well beyond human limits.

I know that it is because of the fact that I have come to accept that I am never going to have anything like that for the remainder of my short life. I tolerate the fact really, but it still depresses the crap out of me. However, I know that females have standards, their males have to be attractive, smart, interesting. At best I am just boring and nothing special. Which is why I get so very depressed. I was just left behind in the gene pool. Though I do my best to tolerate the fact that I am never going to have sex again. I understand that some humans are just disgusting wastes of space. I am one of them and I know that I am not the only one. Too bad my kitty is super healthy so it will be a very long time before I kill myself.

Everyday I just seem to fall further and further down into the darkness. I am almost to the point where I do not even want to hug someone or see people hug. No matter how empty and meaningless the gesture is. It is really funny to think at how much seeing human affection makes me want to die. Which is why I do my best to never leave my apartment so I can just be inside and keeping away from stuff like that.

So yeah I have just given up on that whole aspect of life. True I could spend the next 20 years trying to learn those skills. However, like I said I am stupid. So it takes me at least 5 times as long to learn social skills and things about socializing as other people. I am not like all those other guys who try to encourage me who were just missing a couple of steps. I am not even anywhere near the staircase. So when you have to find your way to the staircase then figure out how to climb it. Well you do not get anything, but failure and failure and failure till you get to the point of thinking why bother since by the time I get there I will be 50 anyway. So yeah I am screwed up, I just hope that my cat dies soon so that I can kill myself and stop having to be around the world.

 

[TropicalStarfish]

I acknowledge your pain... May you find some relief.

 

[albie]

Sounds like my life. Maybe you'll have to get into the mental health system before you can see yourself better.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Sounds like my life. Maybe you'll have to get into the mental health system before you can see yourself better.

I guess, but at the same time I do not want to risk getting scammed by someone.

 

[Grackle]

I think you're an amazing person for not abandoning your kitty. Compassion is the new sexy .... in my world.

 

[Tiina63]

You are describing my life as well.
When it comes to the mental health system, I would be wary. Try to see a counsellor rather than a psychiatrist as there is less chance that the former will make the assumption that you are mentally ill just because you are in his/her consulting room. You sound very lonely rather than mentally ill to me, though I have no medical training or anything.

 

[AFrozenSoul]

I think you're an amazing person for not abandoning your kitty. Compassion is the new sexy .... in my world.

:/.. thanks.. but I am not that compassionate if I am going to abandon the family and stuff... or something like that. But thanks, my kitty needs a warm lap to sleep on in her later years.

You are describing my life as well.
When it comes to the mental health system, I would be wary. Try to see a counsellor rather than a psychiatrist as there is less chance that the former will make the assumption that you are mentally ill just because you are in his/her consulting room. You sound very lonely rather than mentally ill to me, though I have no medical training or anything.

Hmm... well as they say a doctor can always find something wrong with me... though I have other thoughts that I have kept out of here that would probably label me as mentally ill.

 

[SofiasMami]

I think you're an amazing person for not abandoning your kitty. Compassion is the new sexy .... in my world.

:/.. thanks.. but I am not that compassionate if I am going to abandon the family and stuff... or something like that. But thanks, my kitty needs a warm lap to sleep on in her later years.

You are describing my life as well.
When it comes to the mental health system, I would be wary. Try to see a counsellor rather than a psychiatrist as there is less chance that the former will make the assumption that you are mentally ill just because you are in his/her consulting room. You sound very lonely rather than mentally ill to me, though I have no medical training or anything.

Hmm... well as they say a doctor can always find something wrong with me... though I have other thoughts that I have kept out of here that would probably label me as mentally ill.

Your post worries me. I don't have any words of wisdom except that I hope you get the help you desperately need. You can be sure that others have had the same thoughts as you and have successfully sought help and climbed out of the depths.

-Teresa

 

[AFrozenSoul]

Your post worries me. I don't have any words of wisdom except that I hope you get the help you desperately need. You can be sure that others have had the same thoughts as you and have successfully sought help and climbed out of the depths.

-Teresa

Not really worth it to be happy at the end of life in my opinion.

 

[Batman55]

If I were to play the role of Captain Obvious here, I would say it's not very healthy to be a normally desirous person and have none of those desires fulfilled. I think that fact underlines at least some of the problems the OP is describing. So I'm in a similar boat and can empathize with him. But at the same time I'm thankful it doesn't seem to bother me as much.

 

[ardour]

Porn is objectification not intimacy. That does seem screwed up when you equate the two.

You have had a girlfriend, how'd that happen if you're not even near the first stair? I don't think you're as socially inept or ugly as you make out, just bitter about the past, in a hole you're mostly digging for yourself now. I'm bitter too, I know what that feels like every day...

 

[AFrozenSoul]

If I were to play the role of Captain Obvious here, I would say it's not very healthy to be a normally desirous person and have none of those desires fulfilled. I think that fact underlines at least some of the problems the OP is describing. So I'm in a similar boat and can empathize with him. But at the same time I'm thankful it doesn't seem to bother me as much.

I guess that explains my suicidal thoughts and desires.

Porn is objectification not intimacy. That does seem screwed up when you equate the two.

You have had a girlfriend, how'd that happen if you're not even near the first stair? I don't think you're as socially inept or ugly as you make out, just bitter about the past, in a hole you're mostly digging for yourself now. I'm bitter too, I know what that feels like every day...

If I knew how I managed to get the one besides, just being lucky enough to meet an incredibly desperate female on a site for suicidal people and be the first person she ran into. Then dumb enough to believe that she wanted anything more than someone to say she wasn't single.

I am slowly digging a grave, just waiting for my cat to die so I can bury myself.

 

[TheSkaFish]

...No, the reason why I say I am screwed up is because I can watch porn and not feel a thing. That is why I feel I am extremely screwed up. I mean I can watch porn rub one one out and then not feel anything. ...

I read a little bit of this thread today and this threw up a red flag for me. I really think it would help raise your spirits if you cut out the porn. If you do nothing else at all, at least consider cutting it out. That stuff is really bad for you, even if you are otherwise mentally healthy. It messes with your mind. I can only imagine it is that much worse when you are down and out, or in an otherwise unstable condition.

As much as I hate to admit it, I was addicted to it for a while. I didn't even like it really, it gave me the creeps. I could not like it in good conscience. I would not consider myself religious, but it gave off such a dark and sinister vibe, I could feel like, this is unnatural, this shouldn't exist, there is something very wrong with this. But I was so starved for a sexual connection with a woman that it temporarily overrode my sense of right and wrong. And of course, all the while I watched it, my life was in the gutter. I was a pretty moody person, always crabby and complaining or sullen and defeatist. I was also prone to temper tantrums. And I was extremely lazy. I was always tired, and had very low energy. This was in addition to the fact that I was also drinking a lot and smoking marijuana at the time. I have since scaled back the drinking down to moderation, and quit the marijuana entirely (I quit it in Sept '12).

When I think about my experience with it and read about other people's experience with porn, it was uncanny how much the stories seemed to have in common with people using hard drugs. It distracts you from your problems for a while because it leaves you with the illusion of sexual satisfaction. But because of this illusion, you don't actually solve your problems. And before you know it, you come back down again and need another fix. And once again, nothing is solved.

I had an on-and-off problem with it for years until I finally figured out how to quit. I used to fight the habit, and sometimes it worked for a while but then the itch came back even stronger. The trick seemed to be that the next time you feel like watching it, just do it. Don't fight yourself because fighting a habit just feeds it. Don't resist it, tell yourself you are entering a judgment-free zone. Watch it and get it out of your system. And then after it's over, observe the habit objectively. Porn is just a thing, like any other thing in the world. Release all thoughts about the habit, all cravings, judgment, resistance and so on, like letting go of a piece of paper on windy day. Let it get swept away. Then perhaps you may find, as I have, that it doesn't appeal to you anymore and you don't really want to go to any of those sites again. You may find that it doesn't really solve your problems or add value to your life.

 

[7sorrow]

Wow I feel the same as you do except I don't watch porn. Seeing couples upsets me a bit and if I didn't have to work to support myself, I would never leave my apartment.

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I don't think anyone will ever me