Y
yesm
Guest
I'm guess I'm making this thread because I want to get things out.
I'm 24, still live with my parents, and don't have a job.
I wake up everyday in complete disbelief this is my life, stricken with a deep darkening fear that I am now awake and it is real, and it's not going away.
I don't know that I will ever be in a position to be self-sufficient, to have my own place, and a decent job to pay bills with.
I'm constantly depressed and try real hard to not think about dying because I really don't think I can go through with it again without probably failing again.
I looked through every available course at a local community college and NOTHING interested me. I'm not handy with my hands, I've never built anything in my life aside from a computer, and i hate computer related work.
The best thing I can figure out for a plan is trying to get my job back at a place i've walked out on TWICE now due to personal problems and my lack of mental stability... get a degree in phlebotomy... and then probably won't be able to find a job in that field even if i get the degree...
I'm trapped, I'm so alone.
The only person I talk to on a regular basis is just as depressed as me and in a possibly even worse situation. I sit and listen to this persons problems and it makes me feel even shittier.
I have no friends to have any kind of contact with...aside from old friends i connect with over the phone once a month or so...
I even run out of things to say... every day I do the same **** thing... nothing changes... I feel so down...
On the up side... i have lived a very full life... I'd say the only thing i haven't experienced yet is living on my own... other then that i've pretty much done it all...
the only thing i've really missed out on is being free from the always looming threat of pure hell... in fact i can tell you there are places worse then hell... i've been there...
I really hope I have the strength to right myself... to keep my head above water and stop entertaining thoughts of death...
I was raised more by TV and video games then actual people...
I was raised hard core catholic and the best answer i could find is that NOTHING makes sense...
I wish a beautiful comforting spirit would visit me in my sleep and embrace me tightly and let my life spill out through my eyes and prevent me from waking up and having to live another day...
The only thing that possibly helps to make sense of the PURE INSANITY of the depth of TORTURE i've endured up to this point in my life is that fact that my death will be the end of it all...
the end of the memory... the lack of existence... the fact that my not existing will prevent me from ever having to remember how horrible this life was and the few and far between fleeting moments of peace in between the indescribable hells that have dominated my struggle for peace...
However seeing as I don't think I have what it takes to bring an end to my existence... I'm left wondering which I'm more afraid of... living or dying?
How I've survived to this point is beyond me...
If there is a singular presiding consciousness somewhere out there or inside with more power then the one who is empowered to move my fingers to form these words. May it give me the strength to break out of my paralyzing fear of the next step in my life and give me strength to get there.
I feel so alone...
At least I can be sad... at least I can be worried... I'm alive...
And I do cherish the blessings and fortunes i've had... the good experiences...
Anyway... this was just to get things out... I suppose that's what we are all here for...
I'm sorry if your reading this and you feel the same way...
Take care everyone...
Perhaps we are most saddened by our eternal nature... the eternal confusion as to how we exist and can not ever experience the opposite because we would lack the experience of existence to experience non existence with...
It seems then when the eternal nature of our self is faced with the prospect of infinity the only decision is to explore the infinite possibility of expression of that which is in direct opposition to the 1 thing that can not be experienced... non-existence...
again... take care everyone... We are all alone together at least...
I'm 24, still live with my parents, and don't have a job.
I wake up everyday in complete disbelief this is my life, stricken with a deep darkening fear that I am now awake and it is real, and it's not going away.
I don't know that I will ever be in a position to be self-sufficient, to have my own place, and a decent job to pay bills with.
I'm constantly depressed and try real hard to not think about dying because I really don't think I can go through with it again without probably failing again.
I looked through every available course at a local community college and NOTHING interested me. I'm not handy with my hands, I've never built anything in my life aside from a computer, and i hate computer related work.
The best thing I can figure out for a plan is trying to get my job back at a place i've walked out on TWICE now due to personal problems and my lack of mental stability... get a degree in phlebotomy... and then probably won't be able to find a job in that field even if i get the degree...
I'm trapped, I'm so alone.
The only person I talk to on a regular basis is just as depressed as me and in a possibly even worse situation. I sit and listen to this persons problems and it makes me feel even shittier.
I have no friends to have any kind of contact with...aside from old friends i connect with over the phone once a month or so...
I even run out of things to say... every day I do the same **** thing... nothing changes... I feel so down...
On the up side... i have lived a very full life... I'd say the only thing i haven't experienced yet is living on my own... other then that i've pretty much done it all...
the only thing i've really missed out on is being free from the always looming threat of pure hell... in fact i can tell you there are places worse then hell... i've been there...
I really hope I have the strength to right myself... to keep my head above water and stop entertaining thoughts of death...
I was raised more by TV and video games then actual people...
I was raised hard core catholic and the best answer i could find is that NOTHING makes sense...
I wish a beautiful comforting spirit would visit me in my sleep and embrace me tightly and let my life spill out through my eyes and prevent me from waking up and having to live another day...
The only thing that possibly helps to make sense of the PURE INSANITY of the depth of TORTURE i've endured up to this point in my life is that fact that my death will be the end of it all...
the end of the memory... the lack of existence... the fact that my not existing will prevent me from ever having to remember how horrible this life was and the few and far between fleeting moments of peace in between the indescribable hells that have dominated my struggle for peace...
However seeing as I don't think I have what it takes to bring an end to my existence... I'm left wondering which I'm more afraid of... living or dying?
How I've survived to this point is beyond me...
If there is a singular presiding consciousness somewhere out there or inside with more power then the one who is empowered to move my fingers to form these words. May it give me the strength to break out of my paralyzing fear of the next step in my life and give me strength to get there.
I feel so alone...
At least I can be sad... at least I can be worried... I'm alive...
And I do cherish the blessings and fortunes i've had... the good experiences...
Anyway... this was just to get things out... I suppose that's what we are all here for...
I'm sorry if your reading this and you feel the same way...
Take care everyone...
Perhaps we are most saddened by our eternal nature... the eternal confusion as to how we exist and can not ever experience the opposite because we would lack the experience of existence to experience non existence with...
It seems then when the eternal nature of our self is faced with the prospect of infinity the only decision is to explore the infinite possibility of expression of that which is in direct opposition to the 1 thing that can not be experienced... non-existence...
again... take care everyone... We are all alone together at least...