I can't believe this is my life.

[yesm]

I'm guess I'm making this thread because I want to get things out.

I'm 24, still live with my parents, and don't have a job.

I wake up everyday in complete disbelief this is my life, stricken with a deep darkening fear that I am now awake and it is real, and it's not going away.

I don't know that I will ever be in a position to be self-sufficient, to have my own place, and a decent job to pay bills with.

I'm constantly depressed and try real hard to not think about dying because I really don't think I can go through with it again without probably failing again.

I looked through every available course at a local community college and NOTHING interested me. I'm not handy with my hands, I've never built anything in my life aside from a computer, and i hate computer related work.

The best thing I can figure out for a plan is trying to get my job back at a place i've walked out on TWICE now due to personal problems and my lack of mental stability... get a degree in phlebotomy... and then probably won't be able to find a job in that field even if i get the degree...

I'm trapped, I'm so alone.

The only person I talk to on a regular basis is just as depressed as me and in a possibly even worse situation. I sit and listen to this persons problems and it makes me feel even shittier.

I have no friends to have any kind of contact with...aside from old friends i connect with over the phone once a month or so...

I even run out of things to say... every day I do the same **** thing... nothing changes... I feel so down...

On the up side... i have lived a very full life... I'd say the only thing i haven't experienced yet is living on my own... other then that i've pretty much done it all...

the only thing i've really missed out on is being free from the always looming threat of pure hell... in fact i can tell you there are places worse then hell... i've been there...

I really hope I have the strength to right myself... to keep my head above water and stop entertaining thoughts of death...

I was raised more by TV and video games then actual people...
I was raised hard core catholic and the best answer i could find is that NOTHING makes sense...

I wish a beautiful comforting spirit would visit me in my sleep and embrace me tightly and let my life spill out through my eyes and prevent me from waking up and having to live another day...

The only thing that possibly helps to make sense of the PURE INSANITY of the depth of TORTURE i've endured up to this point in my life is that fact that my death will be the end of it all...

the end of the memory... the lack of existence... the fact that my not existing will prevent me from ever having to remember how horrible this life was and the few and far between fleeting moments of peace in between the indescribable hells that have dominated my struggle for peace...

However seeing as I don't think I have what it takes to bring an end to my existence... I'm left wondering which I'm more afraid of... living or dying?

How I've survived to this point is beyond me...

If there is a singular presiding consciousness somewhere out there or inside with more power then the one who is empowered to move my fingers to form these words. May it give me the strength to break out of my paralyzing fear of the next step in my life and give me strength to get there.

I feel so alone...

At least I can be sad... at least I can be worried... I'm alive...
And I do cherish the blessings and fortunes i've had... the good experiences...

Anyway... this was just to get things out... I suppose that's what we are all here for...

I'm sorry if your reading this and you feel the same way...

Take care everyone...

Perhaps we are most saddened by our eternal nature... the eternal confusion as to how we exist and can not ever experience the opposite because we would lack the experience of existence to experience non existence with...

It seems then when the eternal nature of our self is faced with the prospect of infinity the only decision is to explore the infinite possibility of expression of that which is in direct opposition to the 1 thing that can not be experienced... non-existence...

again... take care everyone... We are all alone together at least...

 

[Rigel]

If you're that badly depressed, maybe you should seek some professional counseling. Depression may be the root of your apathy and uninterest in everything. Tell you parents about it or look for a psychiatrist yourself.

You should definitely apply for collage and get some formal qualifications. at the very least you'll get out of the house and meet new people, so it would be an important first step. I've moved into my own rented apartment during highschool, where I lived by myself. By my 18th birthday I was cleaning, cooking and paying the bills all by myself. It is a HUGE confidence builder; I say go for it. step by easy step, you can do it. delaying it longer and not doing anything will just worsen things.

 

[Brian]

I'm guess I'm making this thread because I want to get things out.

I'm 24, still live with my parents, and don't have a job.

I wake up everyday in complete disbelief this is my life, stricken with a deep darkening fear that I am now awake and it is real, and it's not going away.

Yes it's real, and you are correct. It's not going away.

I sat down a few months ago in my old room at my parents house, just a year younger than yourself, and came to the conclusion that I was no different now than I was when I lived in that room. The only difference was my job title and a few college credits. My attitude was still the same. I was still making half-ass attempts at my career while talking about 'tomorrow' and what I was 'planning' to do.

I wasn't actually *doing*.

Dude, we have to -do-. We can't sit in our room and mope all day or despair about the future because when we do that we aren't MAKING a future.

I looked through every available course at a local community college and NOTHING interested me. I'm not handy with my hands, I've never built anything in my life aside from a computer, and i hate computer related work.

The best thing I can figure out for a plan is trying to get my job back at a place i've walked out on TWICE now due to personal problems and my lack of mental stability... get a degree in phlebotomy... and then probably won't be able to find a job in that field even if i get the degree...

No offense yesm, but what I'm seeing up there is "I'm not this, I'm not that, I can't do this..."

We aren't born as anything, most of us.

I wasn't born knowing how to stick IVs, defibrillate, or pump water from a fire engine. You weren't born knowing how to build a computer, even. But we can do these things because we LEARNED them. I stumbled through my first EMT class. I sucked the first three months at driving an ambulance, and the first IVs I tried resulted in popped veins and hematomas on my classmates.

But so did the ones they tried.

You have to start some time, and you're still young enough for it to be viable.



I think your first step is to build some stability. If you can't get any student loans, you're going to need a job. It will be a shitty job, but it will be a paycheck. If you haven't heard my 'We all need to have shitty jobs' treatise, let me know and I'll regurgitate it...but I'm thinking you've probably heard it already.

See if the college or some other organization can hook you up with a job shadow somewhere. You mention phlebotomy. There are many positions open for phlebotomists and other medical lab tech jobs in lots of places; some of them are even -interesting-. Have you ever imagined being part of a cardiac surgery team? Vascular Technologists work directly with cardiac doctors to perform diagnostics and even help place stints and perform emergency clot-removal procedures. And you know what? It's one of the highest growth fields in the nation, and it's only a 2 year program.


Heck, look at OTHER community colleges. I have to drive 50 miles to get to one with Fire Science or a Paramedic program. The things are everywhere and they all have different opportunities.


Right now you have stability in depression, which is what I had when I lived alone in my apartment and woke up every morning to go pile brush and come home miserable and downtrodden with no end in sight. When we're in these situations, the only option besides offing ourselves is to make that situation change and find POSITIVE stability. Stability in a job, and eventually pleasure in waking up each morning because we have -built- ourselves that framework.

It's a fight to do it, but the good news is we can win with vested time and effort.

Have you thought of trying something adventurous? Sometimes it takes an adventure, a massive change -scary at first- to give us that healthy kick in the pants. Have you considered one of the several Commercial Diving occupations? Commercial fishing? Work on a cruise liner or freight ship?

Or get your CDL and learn to drive a truck. See the country. Work toward getting on with a state Highway Department. Spend your summers hauling equipment, spend your winters plowing snow; if you don't think that last bit sounds fun, you've never done it

Instead of seeing yourself as a worthless failure, try to make yourself a blank slate. When I sat down in my old room, I spent the next month looking deep inside myself to find my fire. it took another two weeks to re-build positive habits to kindle it. I want you to realize that you can accomplish the same, and that once you start up the mountain, things DO get better, slowly but surely.

Please believe me. They do.

 

[WishingWell]

I agree that you may want to seek professional help. If you have no insurance, many places have sliding scale psychiatrists and/or psychotherapists that you can see. Once I had no income, and I wasn't charged at all. It helped me more than I probably could convince you now.

Even if the emotions you feel are mostly negative, at least you can FEEL, so know that there will be positive things you will be able to FEEL too.

Keep posting and reaching out to people--they are lonely too. That is why they are here.

Please don't give up! You DO have a lot of years ahead of you, and when you are older, hopefully what you feel now won't count and you can forget. Difficult times make people stronger!

 

[the-alchemist]

I was once like that too. All apathetic, doing nothing but playing videogames and reading comic books. But I just decided to get off my ass and do something about it. In boxing/MMA terms, I was either going to knock out or get knocked out. But if I was gonna keep sitting on my ass and not pursue my dreams, I might as well stop living.

It's better to try and fail than to not try at all. To any of you who has dreams, pursue it. Don't give up.

 

[jimmymckooel]

Yeah, I've been there myself. Sounds like you need to build your confidence, just take any job, work your way up for awhile or get yourself to college. It sounds like you're in a rut, it's hard to get out of a vicious circle but what really helped me is exercise and working on my confidence, so I took up a martial art and that's given me a lot of confidence. Get fit or feel honeysuckle as they say. Buy some self improvement books too, because if there is one thing that has helped me, it's been ways in how I've improved my confidence. Lots of people in their 20's still stay at their parents so don't feel too bad just yet.

 

[oh_boy]

Hi, I just wanna say, don't underestimate hell by saying that you've been in places worse than hell. Traditional understanding of hell is so hellish you'd better not to think about it.
Another thing - this society never stops to amaze me - what a retarded stereotype it is - that if you live with your parents then you're kinda retarded. Perhaps the only bad thing about living with parents is that they for some reason often don't understand you and start to annoy you by treating you still like a child. Kinda preposterous, but I believe it can be solved sometimes by counseling. Parents often feel very lonely after all their offspring has left.

 

[cubycue]

Don't be sad, there are people out there who are living in worse situations you can't even imagine.
Live everyday as it comes, look for a job no matter how little/menial it is, it will keep you busy and you meet people...
My life is similar to yours except i'm much older things are more difficult but I'm still 'living the life' and trying to appreciate everything around me because it could have been worse...
try writing anything and everything on a blog like me.

Take care

 

[BunnyNumber8]

I'm 24 and I live with my parents too ...in fact so do my brothers and my cousins with their parents ect....the only good side is that everyone is going somewhere in their lives and not me

I'm just like you....I just don't know what I want to do with my life....I wake up late cause I don't see the point of getting out of bed, I sleep late cause I just keep thinking about the future....the more I think about it, the worse I feel and the less likely I am to making a change....

I tried going in education and failed and right now I managed to get in translation in college as a part time student and I already hate it ....I thought I'd like it but, the more I learn about the profession, the more I realise that it's not something I can do ......and right now I'm stuck, cause if I quit idk what else to do and I'll be back to square one but if I stay I'll be unmotivated and stuck in a program that I don't really care much...makes me wonder why I chose it in the 1st place o.o;....

I guess life is about finding your passion and building a career around it, but what happens when you have no passion and you're just struggling and trying out here and there things and nothing seems to be to your liking....sure we are still young and it takes time, yay well I don't feel like working at the age 30 :/ or worse yet still be looking at that age X__X

I guess what I'd recommend for you and probably myself lol, is to keep trying, maybe reach out to a counselor and possibly even a therapist -_-; ....and yay i just dont know, I'm depressed too right now.

 

[rdp234]

Try to feel good about yourself. The only thing that needs to change is the way you think. You are worth it. You are a good person. Stop thinking so negatively. You'll be okay. You have the strength inside. Hang in there.