I have constant fixations and thoughts I have no exact explanation to. Every morning I don't want to raise up, and think I would rather just die. And I do not know what is causing this. Other moments I want to kill whole world.
Some people think I am happy. Sometimes I am. I have successful periods in my life, when I actually think of myself as positive example. Other times I put out fake image of myself in order to seem normal.
I am surrounded by people, but truly, I feel completely alone, no one knows what I am or what I think. I have a gf, who has been on a trip for two months, in a very warm and sunny climate, jungle, relaxing. Her mindset seems very similar to me, her goals in life, her interests, I like her. But her success just puts me down. I have to work for every single penny, and she can afford very expensive trips just like that. Makes me want to hate myself and I constantly worry about things, worry about being in this rut forever not getting my dreams fulfilled. Or if I get some good experience, a dream fulfilled, it is still alone, like always. Travelling alone, laughing alone. Even though I have people around me.
Seems to me I am better off alone after all. But I don't want to.
From day one, I have had problems with interacting this world. Doing honeysuckle I am not supposed to, and honeysuckle that other people at my age don't do. I seem to have different understanding of things.
When I went to first grade, I had fights out of the blue. I remember one time I was putting my books in my bag, kneeing on the floor, my deskmate ran across the room to something and he stumbled on my foot, blaming me for it and coming ravaging mad on me, trying to hit me. But he failed, and I was not scared, I had control over that situation. Ever since I have had control over violent situations like that. But I still bursted to tears because I couldn't believe how can one get angry over someones foot.
There was a strange case when I left the classroom on break, class door was closed, it opened to outside, so I opened it, quite fast actually. Some kid ran just right into door-knob, face first, flesh open. Was it my fault? His friends later came to me telling what happened to the guy etc etc, I said "uhuh" and left, thinking "wtf" while knowing they expected some form of apology.
I was bullied a little, since I was the shortest guy in my class, and little. One time I pushed the guy away, as he was trying to hold me, stopping me from minding my own business, he got hurt really bad, came back ravaging at me, I pretended I am hurt too, just to calm things off. Sometimes this behavior is still apparent in social situations.
Pretend like you are on the same level as the opposite person in order to avoid conflicts. But this is getting to my nerves.
Even in this forum, I have created a great deal of insult, misunderstunding and general confusion. Everywhere I go, arguments happen, because more and more I speak my negative mind. My mind just doesn't agree with the world. How the fresia can I exist in this world then???
In my opinion, there are three most honest straightforward jobs one could have: A doctor, builder and an agriculturer/fisherman. Other jobs are just plain bullshit, lies and not primal needs. I look at people and ask from myself: what they really want to achieve? There are too many of us so we must make ourselves look somehow important, although we are not. Do honeysuckle we don't need, do honeysuckle our community doesn't need. To buy honeysuckle we don't need.
I don't want to kill myself because I would cause loss for several people, its like I live for someone else. Sucks.
Its either lie and live in this cruel world, or get eaten by stupid fucks. I would rather just kill everyone and there would be peace. Primal instinct of a true warrior: take control and use the enviornment to your advantage, sculpt the enviornment where you are comfortable in.
Now tell me, how can I be positive?
Some people think I am happy. Sometimes I am. I have successful periods in my life, when I actually think of myself as positive example. Other times I put out fake image of myself in order to seem normal.
I am surrounded by people, but truly, I feel completely alone, no one knows what I am or what I think. I have a gf, who has been on a trip for two months, in a very warm and sunny climate, jungle, relaxing. Her mindset seems very similar to me, her goals in life, her interests, I like her. But her success just puts me down. I have to work for every single penny, and she can afford very expensive trips just like that. Makes me want to hate myself and I constantly worry about things, worry about being in this rut forever not getting my dreams fulfilled. Or if I get some good experience, a dream fulfilled, it is still alone, like always. Travelling alone, laughing alone. Even though I have people around me.
Seems to me I am better off alone after all. But I don't want to.
From day one, I have had problems with interacting this world. Doing honeysuckle I am not supposed to, and honeysuckle that other people at my age don't do. I seem to have different understanding of things.
When I went to first grade, I had fights out of the blue. I remember one time I was putting my books in my bag, kneeing on the floor, my deskmate ran across the room to something and he stumbled on my foot, blaming me for it and coming ravaging mad on me, trying to hit me. But he failed, and I was not scared, I had control over that situation. Ever since I have had control over violent situations like that. But I still bursted to tears because I couldn't believe how can one get angry over someones foot.
There was a strange case when I left the classroom on break, class door was closed, it opened to outside, so I opened it, quite fast actually. Some kid ran just right into door-knob, face first, flesh open. Was it my fault? His friends later came to me telling what happened to the guy etc etc, I said "uhuh" and left, thinking "wtf" while knowing they expected some form of apology.
I was bullied a little, since I was the shortest guy in my class, and little. One time I pushed the guy away, as he was trying to hold me, stopping me from minding my own business, he got hurt really bad, came back ravaging at me, I pretended I am hurt too, just to calm things off. Sometimes this behavior is still apparent in social situations.
Pretend like you are on the same level as the opposite person in order to avoid conflicts. But this is getting to my nerves.
Even in this forum, I have created a great deal of insult, misunderstunding and general confusion. Everywhere I go, arguments happen, because more and more I speak my negative mind. My mind just doesn't agree with the world. How the fresia can I exist in this world then???
In my opinion, there are three most honest straightforward jobs one could have: A doctor, builder and an agriculturer/fisherman. Other jobs are just plain bullshit, lies and not primal needs. I look at people and ask from myself: what they really want to achieve? There are too many of us so we must make ourselves look somehow important, although we are not. Do honeysuckle we don't need, do honeysuckle our community doesn't need. To buy honeysuckle we don't need.
I don't want to kill myself because I would cause loss for several people, its like I live for someone else. Sucks.
Its either lie and live in this cruel world, or get eaten by stupid fucks. I would rather just kill everyone and there would be peace. Primal instinct of a true warrior: take control and use the enviornment to your advantage, sculpt the enviornment where you are comfortable in.
Now tell me, how can I be positive?
