I don't seem to understand, yet I've had this for as long as I remember.

[Jeckyl]

Hello all, you can call me Jeckyl.] I want to share something with you guys. I want to share you my story. My life.

I know that everyone has different circumstances that causes loneliness and I wouldn't consider myself worse off than anyone. Ever since I could remember, I've always had this... disconnected feeling from the rest of the world. I've always felt like... a ghost to the world around me. To the people. It doesn't matter what happens, I've felt a complete isolation and immense loneliness.

Now, I wouldn't consider myself socially awkward, perhaps as a child, but since my teens I've been fully comfortable with talking and socialising with others. People seem attracted to me and comfortable around me, and though I am not the centre of attraction (which I don't enjoy being anyhow) I'm surrounded by people that talk to me (and some even more at times.) I don't do anything special to bring this, mind. I'm just me.

I grew up isolated and completely alone and because of that I always grew comfortable with my own company before finding comfort in others. Even now to this day, I prefer isolation instead of a big group. Because of this, I found out what type of person I am and never needed the use of a mask in order to try and fit in with people (like many people do.)

And yet, I never felt like I belonged, Even right now, in my own house, I don't consider it my home. I don't belong here. I feel like a ghost, observing from the outskirts.

I'm not a person that displays my problems to people. I'm the guy that everyone comes to for help with their problems. I usually fight my own battles.

In the last few months, it's gotten so much worse. It's gotten stifling and I feel like I'm drowning in this feeling. There is no other way for me to describe it really. I look at people and despite the fact I can see through masks with ease and I used to let it be, I feel angry, isolated, wanting the rip the masks off. The other day for example, I went to a bar I frequent quite a bit. I went in, had a beer, then walked out for a smoke. I looked through the window at everyone inside at all my acquaintances and my best friend and I just felt this cloud of lonesomeness fall on me. I couldn't handle it and had to leave there and then without saying anything. I couldn't even bear to enter through the doors.

I've told one or two people about this problem, and I've had two replies. Neither one understood what I was going through, one said that it may be a phase the other one said that if I felt like this I was being selfish. I'm surrounded and liked by so many people and I should stop trying to be an attention whore and keep wanting more. I was told that there are people out there that have nothing and feel fulfilled, so what right was I to feel lonely.

This just pushed me away from it all even more.

Am I in the wrong to feel like this? Am I selfish?

Anyone have any input cause I could really use it. I'm feeling lost. I don't know what it is. I don't know if I'm being selfish or if what I've felt all my life is something that's real.

 

[TheRealCallie]

Welcome to the forum, Jeckyl.

I don't believe you are wrong in how you feel. You are entitled to your feeling and I don't believe any feelings are "wrong." I also don't believe you are selfish.
I understand the disconnected feeling quite well, so I know how hard it is to deal with. It could be that you don't feel connected because you are in the wrong circle of friends. Chances are, if you don't share a lot of interests with people, you will feel left out and disconnected. Perhaps this isn't the case and you do share interests with the people that are around you. If that is the case, I think maybe you aren't quite as accepting of your feeling as you think you are, perhaps you are more socially awkward than you think.

There's always a reason for the disconnected feeling, you just have to figure out what it is. Have you tried venturing into other interests and trying to make new friends to see if maybe you just need something new?

 

[Jeckyl]

That's the odd thing. I have only a few friends, but I have a lot of acquaintances in different groups. I meet a lot of new people and know people that like so many other things. Most of the time I actually share something in common with them, if not multiple things. So I don't think it's that, I don't really know.

Thank you, by the way, for the welcome

 

[TheRealCallie]

Could it be that you are subconsciously holding yourself back for some reason? Perhaps because you are afraid of what might happen if you let yourself connect to others....

(This was partially the case for me)

 

[Nightwing]

Welcome to the forums Jeckyl. I can relate to your feeling lonely even when you have people to spend time with. Much like you, I've developed my own personality and enjoy my solitude. I'm well aware that my personality will put some people off, but I think that's just the price you pay for staying true to yourself. You can't please everybody. I have a few friends, they're scattered all over the country now, and my circumstances prevent me from hanging out with them unless I travel 5 or so hours first. Even then I can end up feeling lonely. I think this is potentially down to wanting more in our lives. Something a bit deeper than all the superficial things which seem to preoccupy the world of today. That "more" is an emotional drive. And unfortunately... part of the human condition is that we get emotions we don't understand and sometimes don't feel fit.

I can appreciate the point of view that it's selfish. After all, this is a bit of a "first world problem" if you get my drift. With people starving and dying, or other lonely people unable to make even one friend.... who are we to complain when we're so much better off? Though I think that bypasses basic compassion in a bit of utilitarian way. The way I think about it is, it's not selfish. I appreciate it's not as bad as it could be, but I'm still not feeling good about it and I want to strive to change this. That is categorically not a selfish point of view.

I think my problem is that I find it difficult to find people that I can connect with. Do you think that's maybe something you've found too?

 

[Jeckyl]

I know it seems so First World Problem, I completely admit to that. But if that's the case then we should not have the right to ever feel sad or unhappy due to having food and a roof over our heads. Problems exist with everyone really. That's one way I think of it, atleast. But I do 100% understand the point.

As for connecting, I don't have problems really connecting. But I think what it is, is that I cater to connect to their masks. Does that make sense? I don't connect to them, to their core. But to the masks that I find fake. PErhaps that's just me though?

 

[Nightwing]

As for connecting, I don't have problems really connecting. But I think what it is, is that I cater to connect to their masks. Does that make sense? I don't connect to them, to their core. But to the masks that I find fake. PErhaps that's just me though?

It makes sense if you assume they're not really being themselves. Perhaps you simply yearn to meet more people who are just themselves? We are a rare breed, I can tell you that now.

 

[Forever Misanthrope]

You're not selfish. They're just insipid (as is anyone who agrees with them). Now, I often help others with their problem whilst being the lone wolf fighting my own internal (and external) battles. Even if someone offered to help, I'd staunchly refuse because of my pride and seeing myself as above others. Everyone has masks. Very few don't (myself being in that number). I say, keep searching and exploring the minds of those who are different. These days, it's obvious to spot 'em.

 

[Jeckyl]

I think that is what it is really, perhaps it will be a sensation that abides again later on as usual. It just got too much and I needed people to talk to and ask things about. Thank you, by the way everyone. Really appreciate what you guys have done here.

Really do.

 

[FreedomFromLiberty]

I think that is what it is really, perhaps it will be a sensation that abides again later on as usual. It just got too much and I needed people to talk to and ask things about. Thank you, by the way everyone. Really appreciate what you guys have done here.

Really do.

It sounds like you've surrounded yourself with people who don't really *get* you on a deep level, as evidenced by the cold responses you got from your IRL friends. I'd suggest you look up your MBTI personality type; I'm guessing you're one of the more rare types.

I've spent my whole life going from one social situation to the next never feeling like the people I was talking to *got* me. Sure I could talk to them about mundane things, but to talk about things closer to my heart and my experiences in life is like asking for trouble. Nothing quite as hurtful as being called "too sensitive" when something is bothering you.